Mixed Signals

[GreenEyedJes]

I've been getting a lot mixed signals from my ex-boyfriend the past few days. I broke up with him almost a month ago when he made no effort to compromise.

 

He called me almost two weeks ago and we had a pretty bad fight. He sent a lot of mixed signals--said how much he missed me, that he wanted to work things out, etc. But then we started to talk about the issue leading to our break up, I told him that I broke up with him because he refused to compromise with me and he refused to talk to me about the issue for four days leading up to the break up. He got really angry and said he couldn't talk, then texted me and said he couldn't be with someone who couldn't understand him. The next day, he calls to talk as though nothing wrong had happened the night before. I was kind of short with him and really only have one word answers. He asked if I was ok, and I said I didn't know, that I was getting really mixed signals from him--first he wants to work it out, then he * * * * * es at me over phone, text, and e-mail, then he wants to work it out again, then he texts saying he can't be with me. I told him that I was really confused on what he wanted. (I want to work things out, but I think that we may need time for him to mature a bit).

 

Anyway, he texts me this past Saturday asking if I'm in town. I text him back saying 'No. I'm still out of town, I'll be back tomorrow.' He asks what time. I say midnight and he says oh. I ask him if he wants me to text him when I get back. He says yes so I do. I don't get another response after that or to the text I send when I get back into town last night. He texts me today asking how my vacation was. I text him back saying I had fun, how was your weekend. No response. I text him asking if he wants to talk tonight (I kind of thought that was what he wanted since he texted me after almost a week and a half of NC). He says maybe. I was in class when I got the response so I said, well if you do give me a call when I get out of class tonight.

 

I don't know... I guess I'm just really confused. I love him and I miss him, and some days are really hard without him. My whole time out of town was kind of bittersweet. I had a lot of fun with a bunch of girl friends, but I couldn't help but wanting to have shared some of that fun with him. At the same time, I'm not ready to get back together with him until he can met me half way and be an adult. And all this texting but not wanting to talk, and saying he misses me then telling me that i f'd up for breaking up with him and insulting... its getting old. And I just want him to make up his mind. Either try to fix it or just move on.

 

And just to clarify--with the exception of me asking him if he wanted to talk tonight... he's been the one to initiate any contact. Especially lately, because I'm so tired of the mixed signals and the flipping and flopping. I just don't feel like I have much more effort to give without receiving anything but grief back.

[GreenEyedJes]

He asked to talk tonight and I agreed to. I don't know whether or not I regret it. I feel really hurt that he refuses to see any merit to how I feel or what I wanted.

 

I feel belittled when he says that my reason for breaking up with him was dumb. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But I felt I had a legitimate reason--he wouldn't compromise or try, and he wouldn't talk to me about the issue leading to our break up for three days despite me trying to. His reason for not compromising is that if he doesn't feel comfortable with something then he shouldn't have to compromise. Well, if we apply that logic is applied, then if I don't feel comfortable in a relationship that has no compromise, then I shouldn't compromise how I feel by staying it it right? I didn't ask him this, but a part of me wishes I had. I feel so frustrated that all the blame is on me. Yes I broke up, but I didn't just wake up and decide to do it. He played a role and I played a role. I just wish that he could accept that he had some part in why we broke up.

 

A part of me really wants to try to work things out with him, but another part wonders if its really worth it? If he can't see any merit to how I felt, then is it worth it? Is it work all the tears and regression?

 

After almost two weeks of NC I was feeling pretty good. I missed him a lot, but I felt like I was starting to get past it and that I was ready to start moving on and throw in the last towel. Then we talk, and I miss him and I still love him and there's that small part of me that is hoping and praying that there's still a future.

[stickman]

Words are not going to do it without actions and time.

 

The only way reconciliation can be successful is if:

1.) Both parties are willing. (You cannot "convince” someone to come back to you the way you want. It must come from FREE WILL.)

2.) There's been enough time since the breakup. (A meaningful amount of time...not a few days or weeks. Maybe not even months.)

3.) There has been personal growth on both of your parts. Going back to the same ol' same ol' will end with the same result, which is another failed attempt at a relationship.

 

We all have values and things we can and CAN NOT live with. If you compromise those values you will not be happy.

[Pixiedoc]

I think it depends on the issue that you disagree on - if it's something huge like starting a family or getting married it can be a complete deal breaker. That's also the case if both of you feel very strongly (in different directions) about something. Compromise can only work if one of you concedes that the issue is not as important as your love for each other and so GENUINELY puts their opinion to one side - was it something really important you disagreed about?

[thebird]

Hello...I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I am going through something very similar...although we just broke up last week...he made the decision to break up b/c he will not compromise on something I need from him..which makes me think he didn't really love me the way I thought he did to begin with..but then he texts me "how is it going"...like checking in or something and it's just messing with my head..this is very hard and I share your feelings exactly..one minute I feel I can move forward..then later I feel like I want him back and want to work it out...it's tough...and you are not alone...you are further down the process than I...stay in touch

[stickman]

Welcome to ENA Thebird.

 

Food for thought today:

 

"Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion."

 

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” - Khalil Gibran