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i dont know what to do anymore


kittydoll
Are You Compatible With Your Partne...
Are You Compatible With Your Partner?

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i am in a situation where i feel somewhat torn. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and love him deeply. i am 23, and he is 26. recently he started a job in an environment where he started becoming a different person. he became a lot more superficial. he made new friends and among these friends he made female friends. i had a hard time understanding why a guy in a committed relationship seeks out a friendship of other females. i told him its fine as long as it's kept at work. lately hes been hanging out with his friends (male) after work (11pm) and hasn't been coming home until 5 or 6am. on his phone ive seen text messages from one specific girl i've expressed to him a time and time again that i don't feel comfortable with him talking to her. call it insecure..i have my reasons. he hasn't stopped talking to her and he is being unrelenting about making "girl" friends and obtaining girl's numbers. he feels that 5 girls numbers in 4 months isn't pretty excessive for a guy in a relationship. i trust him, or rather i want to trust him, but all of this nags at me. when i brought it up to him he claims im being illogical and if he wanted other women why would he still be with me.

 

i brought it up to him today for the 5th time -- it seems that lately all we've fought about is this..his talking to these girls. he claims i should trust him and if he wanted to be with these girls he'd be with them and not fight for us every time i bring up the subject and talk about possibly breaking up. today i told him i was fed up and he said "i love the * * * * out of you but you want me out of your life so you will get it". he turned off his phone and i couldn't contact him after that... i feel so horrible and torn right now. am i wrong?

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I have similar issues.

 

Fair enough say "hi" and have a brief conversation with a girl if you know them but is there any reason to go beyond that unless they are actually a proper friend that you have known for years and years? I don't think so.

 

I think taking numbers and giving your number to members of the opposite sex while in a relationship is wrong.

 

In my opinion, even if the person is trustworthy, this is the way many affairs start. It is by getting to know a person, and then sometimes feelings develop even if you want it to happen or not. Why not cut out the thing that can act as a catalyst for this sort of behaviour before anything can start?

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I have similar issues.

 

Fair enough say "hi" and have a brief conversation with a girl if you know them but is there any reason to go beyond that unless they are actually a proper friend that you have known for years and years? I don't think so.

 

I think take numbers and giving your number to members of the opposite sex while in a relationship is wrong.

 

In my opinion, even if the person is trustworthy, this is the way many affairs start. It is by getting to know a person, and then sometimes feelings develop even if you want it to happen or not. Why not cut out the thing that can act as a catalyst for this sort of behaviour before anything can start?

 

i agree. sounds like he's stringing you along until he finds something ''better''.

pretty * * * * ty feeling. not fair for you...to be the one he comes home to...while he's out having fun with new people...and not being completely honest with you. sounds like you've become disconnected in the last little while. you've tried to talk to him...and met nothing but obstinence. maybe a case of ''greener grass''. do you have plans for the future together? might be a good time to re-evaluate. why spend your time with someone who can't commit to just you in a concret way? were there other relationship problems?

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i agree. sounds like he's stringing you along until he finds something ''better''.

pretty * * * * ty feeling. not fair for you...to be the one he comes home to...while he's out having fun with new people...and not being completely honest with you. sounds like you've become disconnected in the last little while. you've tried to talk to him...and met nothing but obstinence. maybe a case of ''greener grass''. do you have plans for the future together? might be a good time to re-evaluate. why spend your time with someone who can't commit to just you in a concret way? were there other relationship problems?

 

yeah when he talks about his future plans they always include me, that is what is kind of baffling to me. he tells me that meeting these girls is his way of networking, and he feels that once he goes into a professional field that is his goal, he will have to network with a lot of beautiful women. he is going to film school to become a director. these girls he talks to now are all very attractive and aspiring models; it is a bit unnerving no matter how secure you are in yourself.

 

our relationship almost ended in january initially. he wanted to move out because he felt we stoppe dcommunicating and became strangers. in essence, he wanted to break uo. i was hurt but accepted the fact...before he was suppose to move out he changed his mind because he said he loved me too much and wanted to work things out. now i am trying so damn hard to make everything work yet we keep fighting about the same bs every two weeks. i have made him aware of this..the bottom line for him is...i'm not doing anything wrong, you're accusing me because you're insecure and don't trust me.

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Hi there,

 

It sounds like there needs to be some give on both sides, though honestly, more on his part. On the one hand, yes, trust is implicit with love. On the other, so is the idea that you are the only woman he really needs. If you two are in a committed relationship, there should be nothing either one of you needs to look elsewhere for in terms of company, a confidant, or affection. Or perhaps you aren't that serious yet, but this could be the issue that gets you guys to talk about it and see if that's what you both expect from eachother. Although I would hope that has come up before the six-year mark...

 

My two cents. But no, I don't think he should be actively cultivating new relationships with other women.

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trust can only go so far. it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable. it's perfectly natural to feel what you're feeling.

 

as your relationship evolves...you should both evolve along with it. feelings change between people. what was once very important is replaced by new things. do you think maybe he's ''missing'' a part of your relationship that's not as prevalent anymore? he might be seeking to fill that 'void' by interacting with other females.

 

if you're willing to talk about this...i think he should be too. 6 years is a long time. there are really only two options. either you work through this as equals...or you go your separate ways. has to be a mutual effort at this point.

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trust can only go so far. it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable. it's perfectly natural to feel what you're feeling.

 

as your relationship evolves...you should both evolve along with it. feelings change between people. what was once very important is replaced by new things. do you think maybe he's ''missing'' a part of your relationship that's not as prevalent anymore? he might be seeking to fill that 'void' by interacting with other females.

 

if you're willing to talk about this...i think he should be too. 6 years is a long time. there are really only two options. either you work through this as equals...or you go your separate ways. has to be a mutual effort at this point.

well right now he has pretty much left it at being unsure whether or not he wants to stay with me. he hasn't responded to any of my text messages and he is at work for another 4 hrs. this whole thing is making me sick to my stomach.

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Is him having so many female friends something that you are going to be able to put up with if you continue with the relationship?

 

No, I've told him I don't feel comfortable with it. If he wants to have work relationships with females that is fine, but I don't see a reason for him to seek out other females while in a committed relationship.

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you guys live together, right?

after 6 years have you guys discussed marriage? i'm just throwing out a wild guess, but if he's starting to think about marriage and finds himself not ready or fearful of it, he might be sabotaging the relationship until you can't take it anymore and dump him for it ... it looks like he did that .. he dumped you but made it seem like it's what you wanted so he can be blameless ... and look, now you think you're at fault .. he dumped you not too long ago as well .. it seems like there is more going on than just making new female friends ..

 

and there is no reason for him to seek out new female friendships .. directors make movies, they don't buddy up with the actresses ... they just hire them.

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I know exactly what he is doing. He's "having his cake and eating it too". You're his "base" girl and he probably does love you/have feelings for you. However, he wants to play around and try out different girls. He probably doesn't want to hurt you and have you know about this.

 

Since you're putting up with it, he'll continue until either 1. He leaves you for someone else or 2. keeps this game going until you get sick of it or 3. You break up for some other reason.

 

I would try to catch him redhanded (have all of your things/possessions ready to go in advance or gone) and then break it off. Sorry to tell you this, but know there are a lot of other guys doing this and that WON'T do this out there... Good luck and be strong

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For the record, I do not see any harm in having friends of either gender, regardless of whether one is in a relationship or not.

However, I do not think that this is the real issue at hand here.

 

If he is regularly staying out 'til the wee hours, and never offers to include you in these outings, then you have every right to be concerned. Even more reason or concern is his lack of regard for your feelings, and his defensiveness regarding this lack of regard.

 

He very recently had wanted to break up with you, and

The problem probably goes beyond having female "friends".

 

It seems to me that (as mentee and Deutsche22 have already hinted at), that he is having a hard time letting go of a 'sure thing' (you), but that he is not committed to you in the way that you would like.

 

It looks as if he is almost surely shopping around.

It seems very likely that he will cheat on you (if he isn't doing so already; and I'm afraid that there is indication that he may be doing this already), and quite possibly leave you the moment he finds someone to spark his interest.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you are almost certainly in the 'fallback' girl position.

As it's been said:

 

Since you're putting up with it, he'll continue until either

1. He leaves you for someone else or

2. keeps this game going until you get sick of it or

3. You break up for some other reason.

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