Help!: Want to break up but caught between a rock and a hard place.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Hi ENA,

 

It's been a while since I've posted, probably because I've been busy. I wish I could post on a happier note, but it's always the squeeky wheel right?

 

I've been with this same girl for over 2 years now, but I think our relationship has run it's course. We constantly fight, "break up" and get back together. Things are okay for a bit, but then they go back to this vicious circle.

 

Given this pattern, the obvious answer is to break up and be done with it.

 

The problem is we bought a house together. The market, as you know, has tanked, and due to decline in property values, we owe more on the house than the house is worth. To make matters worse, we have been slowly remodeling the house. Thus, in it's unfinished state, if we were to sell it, we would take a big loss, if we were to sell it at all.

 

The only reason I can see to work things out is because of the hassle associated with selling the house.

 

I'm not sure what to do. All I think about is spending the next 40+ years in this misery.

[pumpkinmoon]

What sort of things do you argue about?

[freefromu]

your pattern sounds like mine. do you still love her in your heart?

[LostInMyThoughts]

What sort of things do you argue about?

 

We argue about whom I can be friends with on Facebook.

 

Also about what people I follow on Twitter.

 

We also argue about how I play video games.

 

We fight about lots of things really.

[LostInMyThoughts]

your pattern sounds like mine. do you still love her in your heart?

 

I don't believe I can answer that question. I guess that means no.

[pumpkinmoon]

I don't believe I can answer that question. I guess that means no.

 

Was about to ask more about the reasons for arguing when I saw this.

 

Do you know this for sure? It could be that the constant arguments are clouding your true feelings for her, but if what you said is true then there isn't any hope is there?

 

Can you see a way back for the two of you if she changed and worked on the issues?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Was about to ask more about the reasons for arguing when I saw this.

 

Do you know this for sure? It could be that the constant arguments are clouding your true feelings for her, but if what you said is true then there isn't any hope is there?

 

Can you see a way back for the two of you if she changed and worked on the issues?

 

I don't think it's fair to put our relationship on her, if she changed.

 

I agree with you, my feelings are cloudy right now. I've tapped into my more "logical/centered" part of me which isn't good at processing questions like that.

 

What I truly want is to be happy. I want to be with a person that I enjoy being with. There are times when I feel this way with my girlfriend, and there are days, like today, which I feel miserable. It seems like the miserable days out number the days of happiness. That's how I've reached the conclusion that we're not meant to be.

[ratfreak]

If you have broken and up got back together more than twice, I think you should walk away.

 

I was with a guy for a few years and we did the "let's try again" about 6 times. It should have ended after the 1st breakup. If you don't agree on some things and can't seem to work it out, you are not meant to be.

 

If she doesn't like you for who you are and if you can't compromise on some things, it will not happen...

[LostInMyThoughts]

If you have broken and up got back together more than twice, I think you should walk away.

 

I was with a guy for a few years and we did the "let's try again" about 6 times. It should have ended after the 1st breakup. If you don't agree on some things and can't seem to work it out, you are not meant to be.

 

If she doesn't like you for who you are and if you can't compromise on some things, it will not happen...

 

Side question: Does a "break up" that lasts like 4 hours, count as a break up?

[pumpkinmoon]

Side question: Does a "break up" that lasts like 4 hours, count as a break up?

 

No I wouldn't say so.

 

If you can feel happy with her some days, what is it that makes you miserable on the other days? Is it something she does one those days or is it just from you thinking that it might not work out because of the issues?

[pumpkinmoon]

Also, what are the reasons that cause her to have problems with people on facebook and twitter? And how long do you spend playing video games and how often?

[LostInMyThoughts]

No I wouldn't say so.

 

If you can feel happy with her some days, what is it that makes you miserable on the other days? Is it something she does one those days or is it just from you thinking that it might not work out because of the issues?

 

Thanks so much for talking with me, btw.

 

I usually feel miserable when she starts to complain to me about whatever it is that day that I did wrong.

 

She'll complain about the lack/quality of sex between us, or she'll complain that I ignore her to play video games, or how I friended some girl on Facebook.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, each of these things are problems that should be addressed.

 

However, I feel like all she ever does is complains, and expects me to fix the problem.

 

For instance, I stopped playing video games until she goes to bed. She'll say she is "tired" then goes to bed. So I take that as my queue that its okay to play video games. She'll then come down and fight with me because I'm playing video games. I say "well you're sleeping" and she'll say "I only went to bed because she felt like I wanted to play games."

 

This isn't fair. I didn't ask her to go to bed. Why is she lying about being sleepy?

 

What does she care if I play video games when she is sleeping?

 

It's this no-win situation I'm in that really bothers me.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Also, what are the reasons that cause her to have problems with people on facebook and twitter? And how long do you spend playing video games and how often?

 

When she is home, and awake, perhaps 1-2 hours a week.

 

When she isn't home, or is asleep, 15+ hours a week.

 

She believes that Twitter is the new way people will "hook up" and thus she assumes that is what I am doing with it. "Why do you have the need to talk to random women on Twitter?" is how she put it.

 

Facebook she believes that I am purposefully seeking out girls because our relationship is on the rocks. I did friend a girl I was friends with (we did sleep together too), so I understand why she would be upset. However, I am also friending people I have lost contact with. I hadn't been active on facebook, until my bestfriend joined up. I started to use it more heavily; however it coinciding with our rocky relationship was purely coincidence.

[Daligal83]

It sounds like she wants more attention from you. Do you play video games every night after she goes to bed? I bet some nights she'd like to go to bed at the same time as you and cuddle.

 

Do you know how she feels about the relationship and where she wants it to go?

[LostInMyThoughts]

It sounds like she wants more attention from you. Do you play video games every night after she goes to bed? I bet some nights she'd like to go to bed at the same time as you and cuddle.

 

Do you know how she feels about the relationship and where she wants it to go?

 

Not every night. Lately infact I stopped playing altogether, because she gets so upset. I think she does want more attention from me, but I don't how to reconcile this.

 

When I get home, I spend all my time with her, until she goes to bed. We eat dinner together, and then go watch tv. Sometimes she'll go to her room to do work. The only time during the day I have to myself (excluding being at work, and driving) is when she goes to bed. I'm selfish in that I don't wish to give up my "alone" time.

[pumpkinmoon]

No need to thank me for talking silly, that's what this place is for

 

The fact that you are happy when she isn't causing problems says to me that maybe there is some hope here that the relationship can be saved.

 

Have you had serious talks about these issues with her?

 

I don't see a problem with you playing video games as long as it doesn't interfere with the relationship and you're not playing them all the time. There is nothing wrong with playing them when she has gone to bed.

 

The fact that she went to bed and then came back downstairs is a bit odd, almost as if she set a trap to see if you were going to play them when she was gone. She probably knew that's what you would be doing and that she would be able to pick on it which makes me think that she is very controlling. It's as if it isn't about it interfering in the relationship, she just wants the power/contol to be able stop you doing something you enjoy just because she can, even if it doesn't affect her if that makes any sense. I really don't think it is about the video games, it would probably be the same if you were sat there reading a book.

 

Do you feel you pay her enough attention? Are there things you think you could also improve upon to make the relationship better?

 

I assume that the facebook issue has to do with jealousy? Do you think you give her any reason to be jealous?

[Daligal83]

I understand that. I need a lot of alone time too. What are you guys doing when you do spend time together? Maybe it's an issue of quantity vs quality? Eat dinner is nice, but just watching tv together isn't exactly quality time.

[pumpkinmoon]

Not every night. Lately infact I stopped playing altogether, because she gets so upset. I think she does want more attention from me, but I don't how to reconcile this.

 

When I get home, I spend all my time with her, until she goes to bed. We eat dinner together, and then go watch tv. Sometimes she'll go to her room to do work. The only time during the day I have to myself (excluding being at work, and driving) is when she goes to bed. I'm selfish in that I don't wish to give up my "alone" time.

 

It seems like she is very demanding and thinks all of your attention should be focused on her. Does she have anything she is interested in herself? Surely she could keep herself busy for a few hours while you play your game. You could even suggest playing it together.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I don't know if I pay enough attention to her. I can rattle off several things we have done together, but that feels like I'm being defensive. I certainly feel that during the week, I pay attention to her.

 

I also havent given her a reason to be jealous of facebook, but jealousy, trust, and insecurity have been a big issues she's had, in our relationship.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I understand that. I need a lot of alone time too. What are you guys doing when you do spend time together? Maybe it's an issue of quantity vs quality? Eat dinner is nice, but just watching tv together isn't exactly quality time.

 

I agree, watching tv isn't quality time. She likes to watch tv, and work at the same time. If she's doing this, and I want to do soemthing else, like play on the computer, she gets upset with me. Our schedules really make it hard to do anything. I work later hours, then go to the gym. By them I get home 7:30 or so, we eat. She'll watch tv, then go to bed around 9:30-10. Not including dinner, which I do my fair share cooking, we have about an hour to spend together. We dont really do much, so I can see her problem. I cna't help that I work later, and go to the gym at night, and she can't help that she goes to bed early. There isn't much we can do to fix that part.

 

Because things are so bad between us, I don't feel like spending much time with her, anyway. It's like a vicious circle. We're not doing well together, so I want to be by myself, which causes her to be unhappy, which causes me to not wnat to be with her.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It seems like she is very demanding and thinks all of your attention should be focused on her. Does she have anything she is interested in herself? Surely she could keep herself busy for a few hours while you play your game. You could even suggest playing it together.

 

She is interested in things, but she isn't motivated to do anything on her own. She likes exercise and being outdoors, but she doesn't have any real hobbies, and doesn't have a life outside our relationship.

[Daligal83]

What about on the weekends? Do you guys do anything special then?

[odile]

I stopped playing video games until she goes to bed. She'll say she is "tired" then goes to bed. So I take that as my queue that its okay to play video games. She'll then come down and fight with me because I'm playing video games. I say "well you're sleeping" and she'll say "I only went to bed because she felt like I wanted to play games."

 

This isn't fair. I didn't ask her to go to bed. Why is she lying about being sleepy?

 

What does she care if I play video games when she is sleeping?

 

It's this no-win situation I'm in that really bothers me.

 

HOLY CRAZY-MAKING! She's being pretty unreasonable, but it sounds like she's genuinely frustrated, and as someone else has said-- wants attention.

 

You guys are fighting a lot, and over stupid things. And you keep having massive blow-outs (i.e., 'breaking up', but only for 4 hours at a time).

 

And yet, you admit you're not sure what you feel for her, because you're clouded by frustration.

 

Well, something certainly needs to change.

I think before you call it quits, you should try a few new tactics.

It's gonna take some effort, but no more effort than selling a house, and going through a break-up only to realise you wish you were still with her.

If it fails then you can break up.

 

In fact, I think discussing with her precisely how frustrated you are-- nearly at your rope's end-- will help to get your point accross.

Set some time aside to have this conversation, and start it off by letting her know that you care, and that you want to see if you can both come up with a way to stop fighting.

 

Recognise (as you have here) the lack of quality time you two have. See if you can't come up with some compromises.

Be willing to sacrifice some video-game time, if she's willing to sacrifice some t.v. time. Come up with a calendar, and a plan to some degree... alternating nights (like one night is a t.v. show that you both like; make popcorn and watch it with her. The next night can be video game competition; let her choose the game).

Make sure to include quiet time (an 'unplugged' night-- free of t.v.'s or video games or computer), and most importantly, a date a week (a chunk of time set aside to go out and do something-- anything together).

Oh, and you should each be entitled to some free-time/alone time to do what you wish.

 

Try this for a while, and see if it doesn't help things...I have a feeling it might.

[SarahRose]

I think you are downplaying how much time you spend on the video games and the facebook issues.

 

I think she expects you to grow up and act like a grown man in a committed relationship, not a teen.

 

I would have a problem with my bf adding single girls to his facebook,twitter, myspace or whatever.

 

Why not just delete the accounts? You're too old for that stuff at 29. Delete the accounts. 1 problem solved.

 

Next is the video games. There was a time I went over to my bfs house looking forward to a fun weekend with him and what did he do? He sat there and played some f-ing video game the entire time! Oh I didn't stay. I got up and left and told him I had better things to do with my weekend than sit around and watch him play a game.

 

Can you play the game when she isn't home?

 

Would you rather spend time doing something fun with your gf or play a video game?

 

The same with her. Would she rather spend time doing something fun with you or watch tv?

 

I think you can agree to some mutual alone time. So many hours a week to spend alone doing whatever you want; games, tv, whatever.