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Is it wrong that this bothers me?


pumpkinmoon

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I was reading one of his private messages on facebook, (wasn't snooping, he knew) and it was a message to a girl who he bumped into on New Years Eve while I was out with him. He initiated the message and in it he basically said it was good to see her on New Years, that she was looking well and that all his friends were saying that she looked almost edible.

 

Now I wasn't very happy with this for a few reasons...

 

1. This was a girl who he went out on a date with after he dumped me the first time.

 

2. I was stood with him on New Years eve while he was talking to her and at the time I had no idea who she was which I think made me look like an idiot to her and his friends when everyone knew he had gone on a date with her apart from me.

 

3. In the message to her he said something about being back with me and told her that it's been off and on which isn't a good sign. Now he said this even when things were going really well. And off and on? Only due to the fact that he keeps finishing things when he sees fit.

 

4. I don't think it is acceptable to say things to other girls about them being attractive when you are in a relationship, especially when you have gone on a date with them in the past (not just in the past but inbetween our time apart) and it also makes me look like an idiot. Also I think it's disrespectful.

 

5. At the end of the night on New Years, she was stood by the bar and he went over to her and held her arms and started saying something to her, I followed him and was stood behind him and he kept looking behind as if to see if I was still there like he didn't want me to hear what he was going to say. In the end I was so angry about it that I snatched his arms away from hers. He doesn't remember this because he was so drunk.

 

I'm just uncomfortable with it all. When I asked him why he said that in the message, he said that she used to be really fat and has made a lot of effort to lose it and has come a long way and she said it to make her feel better. Well I think that it isn't his place to make her feel better about herself as she has a BF herself anyway who can do that for her.

 

Anybody got any thoughts on this? I don't want to be unreasonable and would like to see if others think I am justified in feeling like this.

 

Thanks.

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No, this would bother me too because 1. he contacted her & its not like they are good friends, right? and 2. he went on a "date" with her after breaking up with you

 

 

I think you have every right to be upset & I wouldnt let him "down play" it, but that's just me.

 

BTW - the whole thing about her losing weight is a bunch of CRAP, what a good excuse!

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Thanks.

 

I know, who cares if she has lost a lot of weight or not? People do that every day. To be honest I am bothered by the fact that he contacts her at all. I mean I wouldn't contact people who I had been on a date with.

 

And no, it's not like they are good friends or anything, I mean it's not even as if he knows her that well. It also bothers me that he sent her a private message instead of posting on her wall.

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I tend to agree with your feelings on this. Just recently I was contacted out of the blue by a guy I dated briefly in college. He'd seen my Facebook pictures and kept telling me how good I looked, and going by the tone of his emails, he felt an urgent need to see me. I thought all of this extremely odd due to the fact he just got engaged. I finally told him I was uncomfortable with his emails, and wondered if he should be saying such things to another woman since he's obviously in a serious relationship. I mean, he just got engaged - he should be happy and not even thinking about me at all. I haven't seen him in 14 years.

 

I just feel that certain boundaries should be in place. I am not comfortable rekindling a friendship with this guy because he sort of is an ex. I no longer feel any attraction for him, but his emails suggest he does for me, and out of respect for my bf and his fiance, I don't think I really want to see him socially.

 

He dumped you before just so he could go out with her? That's crappy. Then he threw you the "oh, she feels bad about herself I was just boosting her self-esteem" excuse. Nice.

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No I don't think he dumped me to go out with her. He went out on a date with her about a month or 2 after he finished with me I think. Which also bothers me because one of his reasons for finishing with me was that he wanted to be single. Said that he wanted to do things alone and wanted to stay single for a long time, wasn't interested in anyone else and doesn't have time for a GF.

 

I completely agree with you also. I don't think it is acceptable at all to be telling people they are attractive when you are in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't do it. Some might say it is harmless and doesn't constitute as cheating which it doesn't but it is extremely disrespectful. Especially when it is done behind the persons back.

 

A similar thing happened to me. When I first started seeing him there was also a lot of interest from another man I had been in contact with for some time. When I chose to be with the current one, I stopped contact with this other man and told him honestly that I had met someone else and would no longer be in contact. He still contacted me for a while and I told him the same thing, that I was no longer interested and I would also tell my BF when he was contacting me and what he was saying.

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I'm going to offer a male perspective here. I think this could be as big of an issue as it's made out to be. One thing that everyone pretty much universally likes in another person is a bounty of confidence and a minimum of co dependence and paranoia.

 

There is nothing wrong with him just saying hello or offering a compliment. However, if you relate to him that he's somehow offended you, then the message he hears in his brain is that his monogamy, his non-cheating isn't enough for you. He has to always 100% of the time direct ALL attention to you or else you'll be unhappy. And that's just a ticking time bomb of resentment and repression.

 

However, there's nothing wrong with keeping eyes and ears open for something more... nefarious. But simply saying hello and offering an offhanded compliment and relating that as a bad thing is not a message you want to send. I mean, he knew you were looking in his facebook. If he was doing something underhanded, I'm sure he wouldn't have been so keen on letting you in there.

 

My 2 cents.

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Thanks for that. The thing is I know that if I were to send a message to some bloke about how he looks it would bother him. I'm not saying he has to be rude to her but did he really need to say that? Could have quite easily have been left out without making her feel any worse about herself.

 

And maybe I didn't make myself that clear. I do not expet 100% of his attention all the time but I don't expect this kind of attention to be focused on other girls. Especially one that he has been out with.

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Thanks for that. The thing is I know that if I were to send a message to some bloke about how he looks it would bother him. I'm not saying he has to be rude to her but did he really need to say that? Could have quite easily have been left out without making her feel any worse about herself.

 

And maybe I didn't make myself that clear. I do not expet 100% of his attention all the time but I don't expect this kind of attention to be focused on other girls. Especially one that he has been out with.

 

See, but that's the thing. You just said it. You don't want him offering any compliments, however innocuous to other girls. His monogamy isn't enough. That is what he will hear. He'll feel boxed in and that he cannot be himself, and he'll likely come to resent you for it.

 

Now, I'm not saying how you feel isn't valid, but there's nothing wrong with relating to him that if he wants you to be okay talking to people in that offhanded and innocent way, there's nothing wrong with you being able to do the same. No one should have to deal with double standards.

 

You need to show him that you aren't threatened by this other woman, or any other woman. Seriously, nothing will earn his attention or unconscious respect than that.

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I don't feel threatened by her. I do see what you are saying, but being ok with him making these comments to others doesn't really equate to letting him be himself, it isn't as if it limits his personality if he were to not say these things. And The difference here is that I have no desire to tell other men they are nice looking. Why would I need to? What does it achieve? In my opinion it is only giving them an ego boost and why should they get that from me?

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I don't feel threatened by her. I do see what you are saying, but being ok with him making these comments to others doesn't really equate to letting him be himself, it isn't as if it limits his personality if he were to not say these things. And The difference here is that I have no desire to tell other men they are nice looking. Why would I need to? What does it achieve? In my opinion it is only giving them an ego boost and why should they get that from me?

 

And here you see one difference between how men think and how women think. What's wrong with him getting or even giving an ego boost from/to someone other than you if he still comes home to you every night and treats you with respect? Those are they key things both men and women alike cherish above all else in relationships, right?

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I could see if this was a close friend or a friend. But its not.. This is some girl he went on a date with the "first" time he broke up with you, how many times has he broke up with you? Giving compliments is fine but to go out of his way to do it, is a bigger issue if you are in a relationship, IMO.

 

Your feelings are valid, if he needs to compliment other random women on the internet & you aren't ok with it then you have 2 options.

 

1. Tell him you aren't comfortable with it & give him your reasons.

2. Find someone that is on the same page as you.

 

Oh & from reading some of your other posts about this guy, I would go with option number 2.

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And here you see one difference between how men think and how women think. What's wrong with him getting or even giving an ego boost from/to someone other than you if he still comes home to you every night and treats you with respect? Those are they key things both men and women alike cherish above all else in relationships, right?

 

This is half of it. He doesn't treat me with respect. On certain occasions he has been very disrespectful towards me, He could have posted it on her wall instead of doing it via PM.

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I could see if this was a close friend or a friend. But its not.. This is some girl he went on a date with the "first" time he broke up with you, how many times has he broke up with you? Giving compliments is fine but to go out of his way to do it, is a bigger issue if you are in a relationship, IMO.

 

Your feelings are valid, if he needs to compliment other random women on the internet & you aren't ok with it then you have 2 options.

 

1. Tell him you aren't comfortable with it & give him your reasons.

2. Find someone that is on the same page as you.

 

Why are women so threatened by each other? This is amazing to me. Now, I'm a gay dude, so it's a bit different for me, but I just don't understand why this would bother you so much.

 

I'm not trying to diminish or disrespect your feelings, far from... but honestly, I have no common frame of reference from which to work.

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I could see if this was a close friend or a friend. But its not.. This is some girl he went on a date with the "first" time he broke up with you, how many times has he broke up with you? Giving compliments is fine but to go out of his way to do it, is a bigger issue if you are in a relationship, IMO.

 

Your feelings are valid, if he needs to compliment other random women on the internet & you aren't ok with it then you have 2 options.

 

1. Tell him you aren't comfortable with it & give him your reasons.

2. Find someone that is on the same page as you.

 

I agree. he has broke up with me twice now. And she isn't a close friend or anything like that. She wasn't even on his friends list on facebook until after New Years. He also had a pic on his phone of her during the time we were back together last time. Then he deleted it when we got back together this time because he said, "he didn't need it anymore".

 

Also his reasons for going on this date with her is apparently because she is his mates ex and she has suffered depression and used to cut herself, so his mate asked him to take her out. I mean that's weird in itself. He said that he wantd to show her that not all men are bad.

 

It's definitely a question of respect. I wouldn't go around telling other men I think they are attractive out of respect for him.

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This is half of it. He doesn't treat me with respect. On certain occasions he has been very disrespectful towards me, He could have posted it on her wall instead of doing it via PM.

 

Now, that is a totally separate issue and one that absolutely is very serious. If he isn't respecting you normally, outside of something like this situation... that's a much larger problem and should definitely be mentioned and worked out mutually.

 

But this facebook thing... if there are bigger issues going on... this is noise; a distraction from what you should really be talking to him about.

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Why are women so threatened by each other? This is amazing to me. Now, I'm a gay dude, so it's a bit different for me, but I just don't understand why this would bother you so much.

 

I'm not trying to diminish or disrespect your feelings, far from... but honestly, I have no common frame of reference from which to work.

 

I don't think it is a question of feeling threatened. It's not like I think anything is going to happen between them. And if he wanted to run off with her, I certainly wouldn't stand in his way. It's just a question of respect and boundaries. I mean, if I were to get a message from a man who I knew had a GF I would wonder why he was doing it. And if I saw the GF I would know that she had no clue what her BF was saying to other people and I think it would make her look like an idiot.

 

In my opinion, some things are better left unsaid and I really don't see why he needed to say that to her.

 

No disrespect but I have come to understand that the rules for want of a better word regarding gay relationships are different to straight ones. I have always been given to understand that things are always more open. I could be wrong so feel free to correct me if I am.

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Now, that is a totally separate issue and one that absolutely is very serious. If he isn't respecting you normally, outside of something like this situation... that's a much larger problem and should definitely be mentioned and worked out mutually.

 

But this facebook thing... if there are bigger issues going on... this is noise; a distraction from what you should really be talking to him about.

 

Yes the respect is a big issue and also trust too. But I don't agree that this issue is just noise, it is just another way he has shown disrespect towards me which can be added to the others.

 

Also, in the past he was never like this. I think I am correct when I say that he would never have dreamed of saying things like this to other women. He has changed a lot.

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Another thing I'm wondering about is, if he said it to make her feel better, would he have made something up if his friends hadn't said that. Did they actually say those things? And if they did, does the fact that he said it to make her feel better mean that if she hadn't lost all the weight he wouldn't have said it?

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Hex - its not about being threatened, its about having respect for me & how I feel. My SO would not be happy either if I reached out to some guy on the internet to compliment him especially if we once dated. I compliment men at work if they have a nice shirt or whatever & Im sure he compliments other women too thru out his day but this issue in my eyes is different. Just smells fishy to me...

 

TSF - why are you still with this guy if you two have so many problems? Him not respecting you is a huge problem! Dont know if that will change..

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This is half of it. He doesn't treat me with respect. On certain occasions he has been very disrespectful towards me, He could have posted it on her wall instead of doing it via PM.

 

Ok, the fact that he wrote to her via a private message is in itself indicating that HE KNEW it was WRONG to basically tell a girl you're not with that she's hott (which is what he did, I'm sorry).

 

You never compliment someone of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship like that - there's no point in it. Unless..... you are looking for some type of romantic interest to spark between you two - otherwise, if someone wants to be faithful, they will not go around complimenting other women/men on their "edibleness"~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I think you should move on from this guy shoefairy you've said it yourself that he doesn't respect you and treats you bad - why would you stay with him then?? what is in this for you - seriously?

 

why should you be plagued with the thought of him cheating on you constantly or possibly dumping you again with invalid reasons (him not wanting a girlfriend or having the time -and then dating someone else afterwards doesn't make sense).

 

but again, the fact that he DIDN'T just post it on her wall really says something here. He knew it was wrong and didn't want others judging - however why he doesn't care what you think is another story competely

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It was going well and even if it wasn't anything to do with our relatipnship is none of her business.

 

that's so very true... if you have problems in your relationship, your SO should NEVER NEVER NEVER be dragging them out in the open to the opposite sex.... that is exactly how affairs start.

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Hex - its not about being threatened, its about having respect for me & how I feel. My SO would not be happy either if I reached out to some guy on the internet to compliment him especially if we once dated. I compliment men at work if they have a nice shirt or whatever & Im sure he compliments other women too thru out his day but this issue in my eyes is different. Just smells fishy to me...

 

TSF - why are you still with this guy if you two have so many problems? Him not respecting you is a huge problem! Dont know if that will change..

 

To answer your earlier question, gay relationships run the spectrum of traditional and not just like heterosexual ones do. Some people just don't feel right unless they have the other person's complete and utter attention at all times and see it as disrespect if it's not provided.

 

Personally, I don't care if my bf compliments someone else or even flirts with someone else because it doesn't have anything to do with who I am or what I'm about as a person. We have our issues, clearly as I've just posted a huge entry, but that isn't one of them. Possessiveness and jealousy are supposed to be bad things, right?

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I am just trying to work things out right now. I believe that issues can be overcome. And with the respect thing, I'm not sure he is aware of how his actions affect me sometimes.

 

You cant work them out yourself, it takes two to make a relationship work & it seems like this guy isn't putting in any effort to work anything out. Im sorry.

 

You aren't married or have children together, as much as Im a believer in sticking it out & making it work - there's only so much you can do but you certainly cannot do it alone.

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