GlamourBabe Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Hi Everyone, I just wanted to know what people think of my situation. I have currently been with my partner a year on sunday and as much as I love him I find it really frustrating at his lack of funds.. It is not his fault, as he does work full time and he lives in london so rent is massive. He also has debts that he is obligated to pay but has been unable to do so recently becase his rent has been put up. I wouldnt mind if this was just the case, as it is clear that he is struggling financially but sometimes he will buy weed or 4 cans of guiness and I find myself thinking well it would have been nice if that could have been a box of chocolates for me.. But then I feel selfish because its not like he has any money to go and splash out on himself. I am a student at the moment, and sometimes it just feels like I am a bank. I pay for nearly everything. If I meet him for work, I will end up having to pay for his bus fare as he wont have it! At the moment he is walking back and forth from work as he doesnt get paid till the 20th. Since the 6th of this month he has not had a penny, and when I mean not a penny. He has NO money at all. Not even for food. He will ask me for like, 20pence and I find myself getting weary with it all. He is not planning on getting a part time job any time soon as he used to have one, and he said he would do 60 hours a week and it burned him out. So I understand, but he is now thinking of going to university in september which means he will have even less money and I feel so neglected as a gf. I never get taken out for a meal, i have got flowers twice and a perfume and he did get me christmas gifts. However, the outings or meals that we have had in the year just doesnt seem justified for the amount I have had to shell out myself. I am starting to feel like I have paid for them anyway, as I give him £10 here, £5 here, £2 pound here So, I am sitting here wondering if he has really got me anything once I start adding up everything. I worry about going round his for dinner as I know I will have to pay for dinner as there will be no food in the house and I cant always afford to pay for 2. I will just mention here that I am 21 years old and he is 34. The other day he comes home with a ring he found on the floor at work and gave it to me, I mean its laughable because not only was it something he found, it didnt even fit! I wanted to cry. As much as I love him, and he is intelligent and affectionate e.t.c I wonder how can I go on like this. He never has any money for anything which means as a gf I never get anything I dont expect him to shower with me with gifts but it would be nice if once in a while I could have a surprise, and its starting to get me down a lot. He wants to find a place with me, but he doesnt have any money so its all on me to get a deposit. I know its only renting but sometimes I find myself snapping because I cant take it anymore. What shall I do? Do you think I am wrong to feel this way or am I just winging about nothing. I have always been an independent girl and had my own money but I am finding this so difficult. Link to comment
bmwm3 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 sounds like he is not ready to have a gf at the moment... gf and rel take money and time... maybe he needs to move out to a lower montly house... or get another job. or a higher paying job... but unless your ok with the current situation. he really shouldnt be dating at the moment... theere were times in my life when i was struggling to get my biz going.. and those times i didnt pursue or have a rel.. just because it would be hard... either he needs to step up and rearange his life so he has more spending money. or you gotta accept it.. or you need to move on and not date him anymore.. clearly need to sit down with him and explain, your problems. either he will act or wont.. then you can make the decesion on what to do.. good luck.. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 hmmm, I know a few men like this. But I am surprised he is like this at 34 tbh. I have to say that some men just get away with being like this, because nothing is said to them. You should say something. You don't have to say it in a horrid way at all. It's just not fair on you. Why should you care for him? he is older than you, and also I wouldnt have much respect for a man who relied on his woman like that. You are not his mother. He sounds nice and everything, so maybe if you conveyed how you feel he may take note and try and at least make an effort to make you feel special. It doesnt even have to involve money, there are loads of things he could do, but I know men don't always think of these things do they! I know that my boyfriend is very touched when I just bring him a packet of sweets round for him when I go and see him! Don't feel guilty for feeling this way. The resentment will just build and build if you dont say anything now and get it sorted. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 If I were you, I would just say to him that you want to talk, and say you understand that he just hasn't got any money etc., but you are feeling a bit resentful at having to pay out for him, as it seems like it's happening a lot and has become a way of life even. Say that you are not blaming him whole-heartedly for it being that way, as you have let it come to this also by not saying anything. Just add that you really don't mind most of the time, but you don't feel that it's appreciated and its gotten to the point where its kind of expected. Explain that he doesn't seem to make you feel appreciated or special, not that you are looking for lavish gifts, just a small token of appreciation wouldn't go a miss. Then just finish it off with a little reassurance that you love him and want to be with him. Not sure what his reaction will be, but whatever someone's reaction whether it be defensive or taken, they will always go away and think about it and probably come to the conclusion that you're right. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 If you're a student and he keeps borrowing money from you, how pitiful is that? He is obviously bad with money if he can't afford to support himself and hits up a student for money. And if he's using what little he has at 34 to buy himself drugs and drink, then i think you might have an irresponsibe adolescent on your hands, where he has no motivation to advance himself. I think at his age he should be more responsible if nothing else and living within his means such that he doesn't have to borrow from others to get what he wants. And people characters don't suddenly change... his value system is different than yours, and i think once you pool your money it will be worse and you'll really resent what he does with money. Link to comment
meepmeep20 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 the whole him giving a lost ring to you is just sad. I would cry too. I don't know what to say. I mean, they say love is love but it's not. love is full of conditions and money. it's never true love. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Has he been to uni before? Because a) he's left applying really late and b) if he has, he can't get his fee's paid (I know because I was checking). If he also has no money I'd wonder how he intends to support himself as a student when he can't manage it on a full time wage. Basically, he's an adult who is scrounging off his student girlfriend. That is pathetic. And with all the money you've been putting into him I can understand why you're getting resentful. What actions has he been taking to sort out his money sitch? Does he have a room mate currently? I wouldn't go in on a place with him until he has his money sorted and debts paid off. If it went in your name you'd be liable. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Yeah, that's my problem with this too... not that he doesn't have a lot of money, but that he's in his mid thirties and still bumming money off his student girlfriend! I certainly wouldn't want/take money off a student or a boyfriend if I had a job and was an adult. He's using her to supplement his income. And a 'found' ring? Cmon, he should have given that to the lost and found to return to someone who lost it rather than giving it to her... that's like giving her stolen goods and really lame... Link to comment
GlamourBabe Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Has he been to uni before? Because a) he's left applying really late and b) if he has, he can't get his fee's paid (I know because I was checking). If he also has no money I'd wonder how he intends to support himself as a student when he can't manage it on a full time wage. Basically, he's an adult who is scrounging off his student girlfriend. That is pathetic. And with all the money you've been putting into him I can understand why you're getting resentful. What actions has he been taking to sort out his money sitch? Does he have a room mate currently? I wouldn't go in on a place with him until he has his money sorted and debts paid off. If it went in your name you'd be liable. Hi, he has never been to uni before and yeah he is leaaving it quite late..im glad you all understand as I have been feeling bad for feeling bad...so would he have to pay for all the fees himself? Would a student loan not cover that then? For my course, the govt pay fees im training to be a midwife...he lives with a roommate yes and hee has an IVA, which he pays off monthly.. Link to comment
GlamourBabe Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Yeah, that's my problem with this too... not that he doesn't have a lot of money, but that he's in his mid thirties and still bumming money off his student girlfriend! I certainly wouldn't want/take money off a student or a boyfriend if I had a job and was an adult. He's using her to supplement his income. And a 'found' ring? Cmon, he should have given that to the lost and found to return to someone who lost it rather than giving it to her... that's like giving her stolen goods and really lame... The lost ring just made me want to cry and cry! I feel like that sometimes, a bank and its taking its toll! Link to comment
GlamourBabe Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Also, starting to feel really bad because he has called 3 times today and I have ignored every single one... I have just felt really down, and I have got problems myself at the moment. I may have to leave my course due to financial reasons and do it open university instead and i have been devastated over it. Yet, the whole time I am still funding his meals e.t.c and I feel sad. This whole business with me leaving uni has been stressful for me, but ever since I have had to leave, he now wants to go to uni! Which makes me feel even worse..and I am STILL funding his meals, bus fare even though I dont really have it for myself. I have told him before I feel like a bank, and he said he didnt want me to feel that way but he still takes the money e.t.c And I just feel like a mug to be honest.. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Look, just quit funding him. He's 34 and has a job and that is his problem, especially if he is using money to buy drugs and drink. Just tell him the gravy train is over. Buy him a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread, give it to him, and tell him after that's gone he's on his own and needs to feed himself and live on what he makes, but you're done. The most important thing for you right now is to finish your schoolwork so you can get a decent job. You're young and there will be many nice (better) boyfriends more suitable for you. You should be dating around, enjoying life, not supporting a man who is 13 years older than you. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Hi, he has never been to uni before and yeah he is leaaving it quite late..im glad you all understand as I have been feeling bad for feeling bad...so would he have to pay for all the fees himself? Would a student loan not cover that then? For my course, the govt pay fees im training to be a midwife...he lives with a roommate yes and hee has an IVA, which he pays off monthly.. If he hasn't been to uni before he can apply for a student loan. How much of his fee's that would cover is down to his financial circumstances. But it wouldn't be enough to cover his tuition and rent and life, and if he can't afford to cover basic costs with a full time job, I highly doubt he'd be able to do it with a part time one. My sister is trainging to be a radiographer, and I'm just continually blown away by how much is covered by the NHS. I did a humanities subject and got not quite 3 grand a year - enough to cover rent and living expenses (and not a high life) but my parents were paying the tuition. If you might be having your education messed up by finances you need to just quit giving him money. He's an adult and way past the point where mooching off his girlfriend is pathetic. Don't ruin your life for him. Link to comment
purpleJ Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 If you're a student and he keeps borrowing money from you, how pitiful is that? He is obviously bad with money if he can't afford to support himself and hits up a student for money. And if he's using what little he has at 34 to buy himself drugs and drink, then i think you might have an irresponsibe adolescent on your hands, where he has no motivation to advance himself. I think at his age he should be more responsible if nothing else and living within his means such that he doesn't have to borrow from others to get what he wants. And people characters don't suddenly change... his value system is different than yours, and i think once you pool your money it will be worse and you'll really resent what he does with money. Thats exactly what i was gonna say its not that he doesnt have enough money but he obviously don't know how to manage money If he can't afford to pay for a bus ticket because of his rent why doesnt he move somewhere cheaper?why does he spend money on drugs and drinks??? I wouldnt break up with a guy for his lack of money but his inability to manage money and finances at 34 is a deal breaker for me Link to comment
mca1975 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Yes, just text him and say that you need some time as you have lots of things going on at the moment. Tell him that you funding him is a real problem now and it has to stop. If he moans, then dump him. If he is understanding, then help him figure out a way to manage his money better, but just don't fund him anymore - and don't feel bad about it either, you will be doing him a favour in the long run. At his age, he needs to start learning fast how to take hold of his finances, if its not too late. Link to comment
mentee Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I wouldnt break up with a guy for his lack of money but his inability to manage money and finances at 34 is a deal breaker for me i second that .. my bf refuses to let me pay for anything .. heck even my best guy friend won't let me either (they both have jobs) because i'm a poor med student .. no matter how much i insist on paying, they won't let me .. they said once i'm done (in 1.5 months, hell yes!) i can start paying for things .. those guys are real gentlemen . i think a real man should know how to take care of himself .. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I think the bigger question here is not about now, but rather the future of this relationship. If at 34, a bag of weed or a pack of Guinness takes priority over food, and he thinks giving you garbage he found on the ground is a gift, it says a lot about what's important to him. Some people want a life with a lovely home, nice car, family vacations and latest trends. Some people want a steady paycheck to pay the rent with enough left over for a pint after work. A lot of us fall somewhere in between. There is nothing wrong with any of these viewpoints. The long-term problem I see here is a discrepancy between you two regarding financial priorities and lifestyle expectations. If he is content at 34 to sponge off his student gf, and will buy beer before food..his priorities are likely not going to change. They don't have to, it's his life to live as he chooses... The question is, do you expect more out of your life? Because if you do, you need to examine what he would contribute to a relationship to build the life you see yourself having in 5-10-15 years.. You are focused on an education which suggests want more than a hand-to-mouth existence. He is not interested in making the changes necessary to move beyond this way of life. If you are going to build a future with someone, you need more than sexual chemistry and the ability to have a laugh together. You need to have similar views on a lot of issues- finances and lifestyle are two of those issues. Only you can decide if continuing with him is worth it, but I think you need to honestly imagine the life you want in 5-10-15 years, and ask yourself if he is going to be interested/able to share in that journey with you. If not, being with him is simply preventing you from finding someone else that will face those goals with you. Good luck. Link to comment
shoff1 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I wanted to ask you glamour babe what happened to your relationship? I am in exactly the same boat at the moment, i'm 23, he's 35. I do earn alrite money, and i really couldn't care less about money compared to most people. But i do feel a building resentment having to constantly fork out for him, he's always skint (same story as your bf), but I think it's just down to poor money management. I would cut him more slack if he were my age, i just want to tell him to sort it out for his own sake aswel as mine, if he wants the relationship to go on. I know that's the best thing to do and what anyone would tell me to do, but it's just doing it I suppose! I just wanted to ask what happened with your relationship and did he ever sort it out!? (partly out of seeking advice for myself, and partly due to noseyness and wanted to see what happened down the line!!) Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Just letting you know that the OP hasn't been back to ENA since posting this three years ago. Link to comment
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