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It's not you, it's me


Tsila

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I don't know where to start...I'm sure you all heard this before "it's not you, it's me".

I heard this more then enough in my life (I'm over 40). For me a relationship or dating always ends this way - the guy tells me "it's not you, it's me". The hell it's me and not him. When a guy tells you this it means it is definitely me. I just can't figure out what it is that I am not good enough for?

I'm kind, patient, loving and caring. And all I want is a man in my life who loves me and wants to be my friend, my lover and my boyfriend and husband.

 

What it is that men want? Can someone tell me? Please! I really don't get this.

I'm willing to work on a relationship and I know that things are not like they are in the movies.

 

Do you guys want to feel lust for your woman? Or do you want to feel love and to be with her? Is chemistry a thing that happens or is it something that develops after you get to know the person better?

 

I want to hear your opinions.

 

I'm broken hearted because I let myself love a guy who didn't return my feelings the same way but kept telling me he loves me and wants us to work. So I tried and tried and gave all I could - deep inside I was hoping that it will work. I didn't want to fail again and pick up the pieces. Now I got what I was afraid of...failed and now trying to pick up the pieces but I'm not sure if I will be able to.

He lives close to me and wants to be friends because he cares for me and loves me (but not in love with me). He did try to be with me but as he said it doesn't work. He doesn't feel passionate about me. Sex was me initiating and he getting what he wanted and occasionally when he felt 'inspired' I got satisfied as well. I guess that is where I made my mistake. Of course I am simplifying things here but basically what I wanted - to feel that a man wants me physically - is only happened at the beginning in our relationship and then just died off I think.

I know he cares about me as a friend and he was honest with me about his feelings. He also told me that he really wants to learn how to deal with issues in a relationship. For that I need to give him credit I think.

 

Please tell me...what does it mean it's not you, it's me.

 

I'm looking forward to your replies. And thanks for reading.

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what does it mean it's not you, it's me. Sometimes it you have really look at persons background etc. The last girl I dated, had only been in relationships with very apathetic,abusive people, in turn she became apathetic in relationship. She realized this and hates it.

 

It something she wants break free from, but is also something she must do on her own.

 

Sometimes it is not cop out sometimes people need learn to love themselves again

before they love another person.

 

As for what men in relationship... While mass media would have you believe men have small brains and only care about sex and physical attraction. This it utterly false men want the exact same things as women. Security, love, affection, a best friend, commitment and reassurance.

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Thanks Buzz89 for your reply.

I think it is a very mature thing to break away and not get tangled more into something that you are not sure of. I guess my ex would need to learn from you on that.

He loves me and want to help and be there for me as a friend. Well...that is very hard for me and I wonder maybe there is something for me to learn again?

 

What is that lack of something that you are talking about? Why is it that we can't name it...most people say 'it is just that something is missing'

Did you find out what it is that is missing?

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deaxtime2

 

Thank you for that line "sometimes people need to learn to love themselves before the love another person"

 

I wonder though can you love yourself again after your heart was broken - probably because you were too trusting and believed that someone can love you just the way you are?"

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While I'm in my 30's, I'm really dating for the first time since high school (worked way too hard in my 20's and now making up for lost time). Thus I'm still learning what I'm looking for in a partner. You're right ... it was just that something was missing. I just don't know what it was. Perhaps that's common ... it's something that can't be named specifically ... you just know. But I'm pretty certain it wasn't something that she could control and was no fault of her own.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

I guess loving someone the right way is not easy. And also...if you are still learning what are you looking for in a partner then it is hard to name what is missing. Right?

I have never been in a relationship where I was the one who broke it off. Well...when I was 20 - yes ... but then I knew that I just wasn't interested enough for something more committed. Later on I wanted to be in a committed relationship but it was them not me...so I guess I'm lucky because in most of my significant 'relationship' I felt it could be more but they didn't.

So maybe it is just luck to find the person that you click with on every level.

I don't think that is truly possible because we all have faults and bad days and good days.

If you can love someone on his worst moment - and he can love you when you feel insecure - well...then it maybe can work...

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I wonder though can you love yourself again after your heart was broken - probably because you were too trusting and believed that someone can love you just the way you are?"

 

That's a hard question to answer. Sometimes break ups are very messy and people say things about your character that is true, and sometimes very false used to justify themselves and their actions.

 

No one is perfect. Everyone wishes they were better in someway. That's what loving yourself is about, realizing you are a good person, and you are not perfect. This doesn't mean you close the door on self improvement though.

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That's a hard question to answer. Sometimes break ups are very messy and people say things about your character that is true, and sometimes very false used to justify themselves and their actions.

 

No one is perfect. Everyone wishes they were better in someway. That's what loving yourself is about, realizing you are a good person, and you are not perfect. This doesn't mean you close the door on self improvement though.

 

I guess everything happens one day at a time.

 

Thank you for your reply.

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