Now that my 3 yr relationship is over, I realize that I've lost sight of who I am...

[BlackButterfly]

I'm fairly new to this site and have posted a thread regarding the situation with my ex. However, this thread is a little different because it's focusing on my evaluation of my relationship with myself.

 

My ex and I were together for about 3 years. Before I met him, I used to feel so sure of who I was, granted I was only 19 at the time. Although I had my share of insecurities, I was confident, outgoing, focused on my school work, artistic, talented,...the list goes on. I knew who I was, and I loved myself.

 

When my ex and I got together, I felt even more complete because I thought I had finally found someone who loved me for me. We complemented each other perfectly, and he made me so happy. Life couldn't have been better.

 

Things were great for about a year and a half, but then he started to change. He started showing interest in other girls, didn't make me feel loved anymore (we were each others' first loves), and I even discovered that he had cheated on me. The worse our relationship got, the more I found myself fighting to keep up together. Literally all of my time was focused on how we could fix things so that what I had invested so much of my heart and soul into would not fall apart.

 

I just became really sad and unhappy. I didn't sing, dance, or write poetry anymore. I didn't hang out with my girlfriends as much as I used to. I neglected my school work, and I just didn't do things that made me happy, like I did before I entered the relationship. The worse he treated me, the more emotionally drained I became. (He was never abusive or anything. Just very selfish and unfaithful).

 

Now that the relationship is over, I've been doing some deep soul searching and reflecting. I am realizing that I really did love this man more than I loved myself. If I had loved myself more, I never would have allowed his to treat me the way I did. When I think back on it, I am embarrassed by how sad and pathetic (for lack of a better word) I have allowed myself to become. Now I am struggling to pick up the pieces and get my life back to the way it used to be, if not better. I am only 22 years old. Has anyone ever felt this lost after getting out of a long term relationship? I'd like to get some insight from others on what the growing/learning experience was for you.

[ellandroader]

In all honesty, I haven't had a relationship of that length but I can relate to your feelings. However you must forgive yourself first, honestly. It isn't even a mistake really on your part, he took advantage of your good nature and the great thing about it is that at only 22, at least you have time to 'put it right'. learn from it and surely someone better will be there for you in the future.

 

Let me ask, who left who?

 

Some people are just sharks, like this guy. Don't condemn yourself for being good, forgiving to him. Indirectly it was a mistake but not one caused from ignorance, it just happens. I think to be as good to him as you were says a lot for you, don't devalue that. Believe me, one day he will get his, you will get yours.

 

I have met girls who would have sucked the life out of me too. When it happened, I felt like you. My work suffered, my hobbies sucked, I wasn't in the mood as much for those close to me. When you have to fight to keep something alive as the other person neglects it, you can't be expected to do it forever. Eventually it has to end. So please don't degrade your own character...you seem a good person. It isn't your fault that he is the way he is.

[Jvc21]

When you have to fight to keep something alive as the other person neglects it, you can't be expected to do it forever. Eventually it has to end. So please don't degrade your own character...you seem a good person. It isn't your fault that he is the way he is.

 

 

Ditto on that! I've done a bunch of soul-searching myself and it's a very long process and hard work. I know it will pay off whether it happens sooner or later.

 

Just keep your chin up, and you'll be okay!

[BlackButterfly]

Thanks for the responses guys. To ellandroader, he left me. In the three years together, we have broken up twice and had one "break". The first time we broke up, I found out that he cheated on me. I ended it, but then I wanted to give him another chance. He said he loved me, but he was confused about what he wanted. So, we split for about 3-4 weeks. Then he came back saying that he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that losing me made him realize that I was the one. So we got back together, but it was pretty rocky because I was so hurt by what he had done to me. There were a few more incidents where I found him involved in inappropriate relations with other females, and we began arguing alot. I didn't understand how he could say that he loved me, and then do the things that he did. Finally, I guess the arguing started to get to him, so he asked for a break. I cut off all contact for about 4-5 days. Then, he contacted me and asked if we could meet up because he needed to talk to me. He said that the few days that we spent apart made him realize that even though we have our problems, he loves me to death, and is willing to work through our issues together. So, once again, like an idiot, I took him back. The final break up came about a month later. We got into a huge argument about how neglected and unloved I felt in the relationship. I couldn't stand how flirtatious and out of order he was when it came to other girls, and on top of that, I no longer felt like a priority. I cried my heart out for hours expressing how much pain his actions were causing me. Finally, he said that he thinks that we shouldn't be together because he doesn't know what he wants and is "confused". He asked if we could remain friends, and when I said no, he started crying. (probably crocodile tears). We've been in casual communication with one another since the split, but I recently found out that he's involved in a relationship with one of the girls that I suspected him of cheating on me with. Pretty convenient, huh? I remember when I questioned his relationship with this girl, he said she was just a friend and made me seem like I was insecure. (He doesn't know that I know he's with her right now, by the way.) I've come to the realization that this cannot possible be the man that God wants me to be with, because I know that I deserve so much better. I was nothing less than an amazing girlfriend to him from day one. He's even said so himself. Still, I'd be lying if I said that the thought of him with someone else didn't hurt a little

[Jvc21]

You do deserve better, from the way it sounds. Don't settle for this.

 

Thoughts about him will come by, but it becomes easier through time (ugh! time! I'm sorry). I get random thoughts from my ex once in a while and it's been almost 4 years.

 

Hang in there! We're here for ya!