Not doing so well anymore.. almost 3 month mark

[sasha1982]

I left my ex-fiance almost 3 months ago... At first I was devastated, but because of all my anger I was able to start moving on very quickly.. He would call/text me everyday and I was able to keep no contact for a month straight.

 

We lived together just over 2 years, were engaged, however we fought ALL the time.. Originally I tried to leave him over a year ago because of his anger, trust issues and control.. But I came back and tried to make it work. About a year later his emotional abuse took a toll on me and again I tried leaving.. Since our little 1-2 days breakups, I believe he was hanging out with ex girlfriends and this causes alot of trust issues once we got back together. I still don't know if anything happened, but it causes alot of issues in our relationship. We went through a period when things were pretty normal, but I also didn't go anywhere, cut off most of my friends, etc. so he and I could be together all the time. It almost seemed that our relationship was only ever good/content if we were attached at the hip. If I had any life outside of him, that's when our issues started.. He has major trust issues and is very emotionally insecure.

 

He was very controlling throughout our whole relationship and eventually my resentment just built and built.. I always fantasized about meeting another man that would sweep me off my feet so I could leave him... But I knew if I wasn't happy I needed to be strong enough to leave him and be alone. I loved him with all my heart, even tried counselling with him, tried to teach him what a healthy relationship was and nothing ever worked. My ex is a 33 year old man, and he's not capable of having a healthy relationship. Finally, one of our last arguments resulted in him shoving me accross the room very hard and I got up and left and the next day picked up all my things and never saw him again.

He had verbally abused before, lots of emotionally abuse but never physical. I had told him that was a deal breaker and I would walk... A few times before that he had restrained me in a room and pinned me to the bed, which I didn't realize was considered physical abuse as well. So needless to say, I know the odds are against me when it comes to abuse, it WILL escalate.. It already had...

My head tells me to run... This man is not capable of a healthy relationship... I was doing great the first 2 months, now I am starting to spiral downwards... I'm dating and nothing is clicking, most of the time my heart is just not in it... I hate my town, I want to get out of here.. I feel like there is nothing else for me here.

My ex was messaging me for the first month... Then when he knew I wasn't coming back, he stopped messaging me completely. He tried a few times, just for petty reasons to contact me but I always shut him out and said leave me alone.

He never once has apologized for what he did, he doesn't seem to even think he did anything wrong even when I tell him he was abusive and hurt me alot over the past 2 years. I know I hurt him many times as well, but it was only because I was trying to LEAVE him and was never strong enough to actually follow through with it. I had his heart on a string and would just basically up & leave, come back and repeat it all over again.

 

Now it's been at least a few weeks and he doesn't text at all... I have even started driving by his house and there is a car there all the time, so I'm assuming he has a new girlfriend. Even though I am still heart broken over everything and I know I deserve better, I just wish he realized what he has done and could at least show some remorse over it.

I feel like I can't move on until he acknowledges that he loved me and screwed up and lost me.

I don't want him back, I know things will never change... But all I want is for him to at least tell me he loved me and he knows he has a problem and that he's sorry for everything he ever did to me (including the last physical assault) when I left...

 

How can I help myself move on? I just want to move on with my life and be happy and open my heart to someone else that will treat it better than my ex did.

 

[annie24]

(((HUGS)))) i think your instinct to run was right on. he should never have pushed you, this relationship was too rocky and was going to turn violent. i think it's good you left, and you need to move on. i highly encourage you to seek out a counselor and start going and talk about yourself, the relationship, and the life you want. i think it will help you out. please don't go back to this man!!!

[DN]

I think your feelings are understandable but I believe the hope to be unrealistic because he seems to have a different view of the relationship and doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong. And even if he did he isn't likely to admit it even to himself. But in any event he seems to have moved on and i think there is little chance of him having some sort of epiphany and suddenly contacting you to apologise.

 

For your own sake you need to let go of the anger and resentment and move on - because at the moment you are stuck. Waiting for him to apologise is going to keep you stuck even longer.

[sasha1982]

So what do you suggest I do to help myself get over this hurt I have? I don't even care that he's dating again, I wouldn't trade spots with that girl if he was the last man on earth. But the part that bothers me the most is how can this be the man that wanted us to be married and have children? And treated me like that and when I leave to have a better life he still can't even see what he did to me? Is he really that heartless? I know I broke an ex'es heart in my past and even to this day, 3-4 years later I still tell him all the time I regret what I did and that he was a wonderful person and I was just young and silly.. I acknowledge my mistakes and know I hurt someone who didn't deserve it... Why can't my ex-fiance understand his mistakes?

[DN]

Because he either doesn't think he made any or he just can't or won't admit to it. There is no point agonising over this - you have no way to make him understand anything. You can only control your emotions, your actions and your reactions.

 

Let him tend to his own problems if he will or will not - and you get busy working to free yourself from the vestiges of this relationship.

[annie24]

you can't control someone else's feeling or emotions. you can only control your own. you can't MAKE him feel a certain way or change his mind, etc..... what is in your control is to try to move on, talk to a therapist, reassure yourself that THIS MAN was not the one for you.

[amipushy]

Waiting for him to apologise is going to keep you stuck even longer.

 

I agree. In an abusive controlling relationship an abuser usually blames the other person for making them so angry they had to follow through and push/hit etc and usually only apologises in an attempt to manipulate the other person back into the relationship - a vicious circle of abuse then follows.

 

You did the right thing. Try not to look back or drive by, you're looking for something within a man that doesnt exist- empathy.

[sasha1982]

Another part that hurts alot is that my ex-fiance had 1 other long-term of 5 years in his early 20's and this girlfriend of his cheating on him repeatedly, and he took her back.. After they broke up a while later he found out she was in the hospital for her Chrones and he bought her medication/vitamins and dropped them off for her.. They live very far apart and don't talk alot, but they are on speaking terms. He seemed to care about her as a person, yet with me he has been nothing but a jerk to me. After I left him he was being all nice saying he wanted counselling and to make it work, but I said no. Later he contacted me seeing if I was happy, and said he was dating someone and she wasn't me and he wasn't happy.... But I shut him out again.. Then he started getting mean, if he contacts me he says very hurtful things, like he was glad we broke up and that he started dating right after we broke up, etc.

I treated him better than his ex did and yet I get this kind of backlash from him?

It really adds insult to injury.. and he has demolished my self confidence

[annie24]

well, again, you can't control what others feel about you. you can't convince him, 'hey - i was a better gf than her, therefore, you should miss me more!!!' nope, doesn't work that way. you have to find it within yourself that confidence and knowing that you deserve better.

 

is there a therapist you can go to?

[sasha1982]

Well I do know that he KNOWS this.. I think that's why it bothers me that he won't say it.

When he used to yell/scream at me I would get upset and tell him there are a million other guys that would treat me better than you do! And he would say "Well go find it then!!"

He never could accept responsibility for anything.. I think he is attracted to people who treat him badly. I could have treated him like crap, cheated and he never would have left me. I find that extremely odd..

 

I know I deserve better, so does he.. He doesn't comment when I tell him that. I have been treated way better before him and I am sure I will after him... It just bothers me that he isn't capable of doing that, as I know all he wanted was us to be married and happy together.

 

I can see a counsellor again, I did so as soon as I exited the relationship.. I suppose I could go back and speak with someone again.. I just thought I was doing well and didn't need someone anymore.

[annie24]

well, again, HIS feelings/actions/emotions are not something you have control over. all you can control is you. i recommend you go back to the therapist and try to work things out. you can't get yourself in a tizzy over things beyond your control. ok, so he didn't accept you for the great girl you are. but clearly, some people have bad taste, and you can't force them to 'see the light.' you just have to move on.

[sasha1982]

It just bothers me alot lately and I'm not sure why....... I felt better when he was begging for me to come back, maybe in some weird way it gave me the power I felt I was missing in our relationship. I probably shouldn't dwell on waiting around for him to realize he made a mistake, I KNOW he knows he did... So really I shouldn't think about it too much. If he found out how much I was hurting or that I missed him, I know he'd be trying to get me back. But I have shown nothing but strength and moving on in my life... So I'm sure he is probably feeling worse too, but it's a battle for power... She's strong, so I have to be strong....... If I called him right now crying he would drop everything and say let's go talk over coffee...

I guess I am just having a bad day... I had a rough week, alot of emotions and I was doing so strong before I guess I'm just sad I feel I'm going backwards.

[homeagain]

i agree with the others. you are better off without him. i think the first thing you need to do is stop driving by his house - if he sees you, he could accuse you of stalking him and it could get ugly again. after that, move on. he sounds like he has serious problems, so he probably won't ever admit what he lost or what he really did wrong. you can and will find someone who appreciates you and treats you better. if you know that in your heart like you say, then stop giving him control over your happiness... walk away and stop thinking about him. he won't admit he is wrong.

[sasha1982]

Ugh I know I gotta stop doing the drive-by.. I was fine up until this past week or so.. My best friend lives 2 streets away from him, so everytime I drop her off, it's hard not to just take the other way and drive by. I gotta stop doing that for sure..

I have remained really strong, we only live a 5 min drive apart.. I moved home with my parents. We had a dog together and he has said if I wanted to visit the dog, or babysit let him know... But I knew I couldn't keep seeing our dog if I wanted to get over him.

I knew I had to go cold-turkey if I want him out of my heart... He wanted us to try staying together while we live apart, but I said no way.

Everytime he contacted me, I told him LEAVE me alone. So this is what I asked for... So I shouldn't complain really.. He's probably trying to get over me as he sees I am not coming back.

 

I just have to keep moving forward and planning my life.. I'm sure it will get easier I guess I should feel proud though, I left him and EVERYTHING and had to go back to my parent's house and I've done great so far staying strong.. haven't cracked once.