dreamwarrior Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Hello everyone, My ex called me the otherday while I was at the nail shop (left my phone at home), so I returned his call only because I still have a few things at his mother's house and we still have a shared vehicle. I on the other hand never broke NC ! Well, he told me he had put an interior in my truck (we were customizing my monster truck just before the breakup) I was going to do the Baja and Rubicon powder puff race. Anyway, he told me that he wanted to come by and have me take a look at it and he wanted me to go with him to the Rubicon race on July 4th, even if we went as friends.... I didn't say anything, just wanted to listen to what he had to say. He told me that his mother was the reason he took back all the stuff... later on that day my roommate told me the same thing. His mother is a manipulative rotten person. So, then he tells me he wants me to come up to the cabin with him.... Still I didn't say anything. He tells me he got his guard card and going to get a new truck...I told him "that's great" (I really meant it too)...I don't wish ill will on him, because if I wish him bad luck that is going to make me feel bad inside. He told me this whole time he has been gathering me so many gifts...I asked my roommate about it later on and he told me that is true. I never knew any of this because I never asked about my ex because I didn't want to hear about him, but this whole time he has been thinking about me. I asked him why he hasn't gotten a new gf and he told me because he waiting for me....](*,)](*,) He told me he knows we are soul mates and belong together and he knows that I was mad at him because I didn't want him wearing himself out working on the old house where he grew up. His mother is rich and she cannot hire someone to fix up the place she has to have him do it???? He said she was angry because she knows he is going to give me the truck, but he told her that he bought it for me and it's mine....god that woman is so freaking greedy!!! argh Anyway, later on that night I was getting ready for bed and thought to myself perhaps he should move on...I know he don't need my permission nor I his, but I want him to know(haven't had the chance to tell him yet) that we will always be friends, but I don't see us being together again and honestly I want to move on with someone new when the time comes and I hope that he does the same...he is still hoping that we can go back someday together from the way he spoke to me last night. I cannot go back in time. I don't want to make him feel like the bad guy...and, I do want to be there for him in the end of his life, because eventually his HIV is going to turn to AIDS ( I spoke with a friend from work who worked for a clinic and knows alot about Microbiology) and she told me that as he gets older and especially if he doesn't take care of himself his immune system is going to weaken and that is when the AIDS virus is going to take over.......also he has Hep C. Folks, I cannot put myself through this...I cannot take the chance to catch it even though I am negative and always used protection. And, I still feel the same as I did when I told him I could do better on my own. Of course I am never going to forget the memories...the early mornings as the light of the moon glowed on my face he would stroke my face and say how I was the most beautiful girl in the universe...or how he would wake me up at 4 am every morning to start telling jokes or how when we were so happy to have a new bed and we were jumping on it after we set it up and he jumped on top of me saying how he would never let anyone ever come between us and the candlelit dinners in our romantic dining room as the ocean breeze blew in the window jingling the wind chimes, the smell of a my good dinner, candles, incense blowing in the breeze with the soft music playing in the background, and after dinner we would get up and slow dance in the livingroom....oh so long ago...those days are over! I can never go back. People are always saying my ex cheated on me, found someone else...but friends we don't hold the universe in our hands, we have no control over others, and for sure we cannot own another human being...your spouse, ex, or bf are not ours to own. I want to tell my ex that it's okay for him to move on...I want him to find someone to make him happy, because if he is happy then I am happy. I am content because I know my place in his heart, but there has been to much sorrow and pain to ever think we can fix it, because eventually the problems would resurface and once again the roller coaster would begin. lol...I said to him how do you know I don't have a new bf yet? His reply was, that he would know, because he would feel it....lol...I know nothing would ever change and I would always be on eggshells wondering what might set him off and he start using drugs or missing for days only to come home sick, hungry, and dirty. I will always care and love him...I know in my heart he truly is a good person, but he is very ill and needs more help than I can offer him. I am sure in his mind he was crazy in love with me, but I see things differently...because to love someone else, you must first love yourself. I am not selfish, even my ex deserves to be happy as so do I . In closing, I want to say to everyone...if your ex moves on then let them...sure it may hurt for awhile, but if you truly love them and they believe they are happy with someone else even though it's not you...wouldn't you want them to be happy? Cheers and best wishes to all !!! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I think it is for the best that you don't go back to him. I agree..if your ex moves on then you have no choice but to accept it. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 He hasn't moved on, because he is still thinking like we are together...making grandosa plans...I on the other hand am interested in moving on...perhaps he is stuck in the past...he is still thinking we are going to get back together somewhere in the future...I just want to let him know it's okay for him to move on. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 He hasn't moved on, because he is still thinking like we are together...making grandosa plans...I on the other hand am interested in moving on...perhaps he is stuck in the past...he is still thinking we are going to get back together somewhere in the future...I just want to let him know it's okay for him to move on. I don't think he needs your permission or encouragement to move on. He will move on when he is ready to move on. Telling him it is okay to move on just sounds a bit patronizing. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Guess you over looked part of my thread where I wrote he didn't need my permission. He is still thinking we are getting back together...you missed the whole point of my thread!! Not to mention is disruptful to my life! I am trying to move on and he is still wanting me in his life!...oh I forgot he told me when I move not to worry he will find me...he didn't mean it in a stalker way. Before we ever become lovers we were the best of friends...and I think there is a big part of him that cannot let me go...I just don't want him getting his hopes up that we will go back together...you know what I mean? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Dream From reading your post, it does sound like you know that you have to let him go, but something tells me, that you're not quite there yet? I may be wrong, and this is only my opinion. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Dream From reading your post, it does sound like you know that you have to let him go, but something tells me, that you're not quite there yet? I may be wrong, and this is only my opinion. When he breaks NC it sets me back a step or two...because I am quite the stubborn woman and believe me I have moved heaven and earth in my world to move forward...he was the only man I ever loved in my life..of course it's not easy for me...people don't forget first loves and especially, at my age. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Dream From reading your post, it does sound like you know that you have to let him go, but something tells me, that you're not quite there yet? I may be wrong, and this is only my opinion. I agree with this. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 When he breaks NC it sets me back a step or two...because I am quite the stubborn woman and believe me I have moved heaven and earth in my world to move forward...he was the only man I ever loved in my life..of course it's not easy for me...people don't forget first loves and especially, at my age. I totally understand that, and I hope that you continue to move forward. All the best... Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 I didn't break NC he did...living with a drug addict was very devastating for me and it tore my world apart...that is why I found a therapist near my college and will be speaking with her next week...even going to change gyms near my college so I don't have to be constantly reminded of the past....I figure if he finds someone else then he won't have time to bother me, because him popping in and out of my life is very disruptive to my progress. Link to comment
loulee Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Dont tell him you want him to find someone else that is cruel someone who is crazy about you will not respond well at all to the woman of his dreams being "happy" for him if he should find someone else. just let him know very gently that it is definitely over. Probably resuming no contact at least for a few months might be in order for you to keep moving ahead. He will naturaly be very co dependant on you for his happiness. his addictions and his life long illness ensures that he is likely not to give up on you easily. If its over with him be very clear about it!.. without the input or references to hoping you meet someone else. that is the last thing he will want to hear and is very hurtful.. keep on your healing path you have made a wise decision and a very difficult one.. there is a happier life for you than the uncertainty of a future with this man.. good luck and keep strong..do not let sympathy for him sway you..a better life awaits you. go get it... Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Perhaps sometime down the line we can be friends, but I cannot ever again be his gf ! I can be friends with an ex...no biggie, perhaps not at this point in time until things die down and we have moved on. Anyway nobody else is walking in my moccasins so they have no idea what I am dealing with. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Thank you for your advice...I am glad to finally make the decision to seek a therapist...I am going to speak with her on this issue. I need some serious help here. I am on the brink of major positive changes and the last thing I need is him setting me back...he always had bad timing...argh! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.