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Breaking up over finances


imjustagirl

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Has anyone here ever broken up with their bf or gf strictly because of financial reasons? Maybe because even though everything else was great, they just couldn't get it together financially? I'm almost 30 and my bf is 31 and just lost his job and has not really tried to get a new job. He has had 5 jobs in 2 years, can't seem to keep a job, and also has very bad credit and has credit people calling him all the time. Besides these 2 flaws our relationship is great. I don't know what to do. Anyone? This is important to me, it really is and I don't want to make the wrong decision and leave him and regret it. I'm so stuck, please help!

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I've never left someone because of finances, however, I have found myself under a lot of stress when I'm the only one contributing financially. But if my partner helps out in other areas [ ie. around the house etc. ] then to me, it balances it out and I harbour no resentment or stress. Only when my partner slacks around the house and isn't treating me well in general do I have a problem with being the breadwinner.

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We have been together for 2 years. Our talks about finances don't really go well. He completely clams up about it, says that he is always good with finding another job, and then he won't discuss it any more with me. I'm really done talking about it with him. And I know that even when he does get another job, it's not really going to be a high paying job as he really doesn't have much in the way of a career or career goals.

I don't think this would be as big an issue as it is if it weren't for me having many opportunities to be dating others who have it together. I work with men all day every day, develop friendships with many of them, and a few pursue me on a regular basis. I know this isn't an excuse, but it makes things even harder. Not to mention my parents telling me that I could do better, that I should find someone who is more on my level finance wise. GRRR

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I feel so horrible and guilty even posting about my problem. I just love him alot and my heart aches to even think of having to end things with him. But this is just so important to me. I don't want to always be wondering when he will be unemployed again, especially if we have a family and he gets fired and then we have to struggle to make ends meet. I don't want that uncertainness in my future, and it seems like such a high possibility if I stay with him. I know anyone can lose their job at any time, but it seems like he's never going to be that steady higher income earner that I want him to be. God I feel so bad.

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He has a bit of an attitude problem at work. Also he went to school and took a course that didn't work out too well for him. He tried, he really did, but it turns out that it's just not his cup of tea. So he has abandoned that field of work and has been doing something else but there wasn't enough work at the company he was at so they let him go.

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The best relationship advise I have ever gotten is that a man should make every effort to make his woman feel secure, secure in the relationship, secure in her home, secure in her future, etc,etc. So much of this is tied to what he does with finances. If he cant hold a job pay his bills save for emergencies, save for retirement, afford life insurance. Then he is a liability rather than an asset. I think You should let him know that this is bothering you, tell him exactly what your expectations are and if he makes no effort to change, then dumping him will be doing you both a favor.

I was about hs age when I got my act together.

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I'm betting it is rarely just about the finances. Big old problems handling finances and supporting oneself tend to be a reflection of other probs; probs in one area tend to leak to others IMO.

 

I didn't leave because of finances, but since leaving a certain someone almost 2 years ago, my financial outlook has gone over the moon to what was possible while with him.

 

The key thing is having a responsible partner. A real partner going in the same direction as me.

 

Clearly, someone who feels the need to hide from me and creditors is someone who is going to have more than a tough time working with me and being able to build a life with me. It gets to be even a bigger deal once you start thinking of family and houses and children.

 

I'm not talking about normal ups and downs: I'm talking about someone who you can't really trust with your money...well it gets to where you feel you can't trust them with other things.

 

I'm a lot more cautious about that now, and don't feel bad about it. You can't force someone to change and even if they do - it sure isn't going to be overnight. You might get a superficial change and then back to the same mode per usual.

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It's not like I don't trust him with money. He borrows money sometimes and always pays me back. But another irresponsible thing he does is he drives an older classic car and keeps dumping money into it. It breaks down all the time and then he will just throw more money into it. Money he doesn't have. Like why not get rid of it and buy something you can afford to keep running? I suggest these things to him but he pays no attention.

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I wouldn't blame him too much for having a hard time finding a job right now. Look at the economy and the unemployment rates. Tons of people have lost their jobs and are having a hard time finding another through no fault of their own. It took me 4 months to find a job, and I have a Bachelor's degree & graduated with honors. I applied for jobs during the day when my bf was at work and I was home alone. It put me in a bad mood to talk about it because I was already frustrated just thinking about it all the time. When people asked me "how's the job hunt?" I felt like they were interrogating me & was making sure I wasn't being lazy about doing the work to find a job. And the job I found isn't exactly fantastic in the payroll department, but you do what you have to do.

 

It depends on how important it is for you to have more money than you will have if you stay with him. To me, the most important thing as far as finances go is that he is able to live within his means. My bf is not very good about saving money, but he IS able to pay all of his bills and has good credit. If you marry someone with poor credit, it will reflect on your own credit and will be detrimental to you. At this very moment, he may have a difficult time paying his bills considering he does not have an income. Was he laid off? Or did he quit or do something to get fired? Has he been trying to cut back on his spending since he lost his job? These are things I would consider in making this decision.

 

My sister also encouraged me to break up with my bf. She's only seen him a few times, and one of those times he didn't leave a fantastic impression on her. But she only saw a snapshot of our relationship, albeit a not-very-good one. Your parents may or may not be right, but it is your life and your opinion that matters.

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This goes deeper than just financial problems...the financial problems are not simply about live throwing him a curve ball...the financial problems are tied in with his attitude...this is about his work ethic, laziness, lack of drive and ambition and inability to manage his finances. At some point in time many people can run into financial difficulties because of outside influences and couples can muddle through. In your situation his financial difficulties are self-inflicted and therefore it is indeed wise to walk away from him because over time that will be draining on you and you will start to lose respect for him.

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I had this same problem with my ex-husband... it took me many cycles of unemployment with him to figure out that he just really preferred not to work, and since i had a decent salary that could cover our bills, he really preferred to stay home watching sports on TV and fiddling around rather than working. He never looked for work until i got so upset i cut off all the financing of his 'fun' activities because we were running out of money.

 

He pretended he wanted to work, but his choices and lack of ambition when looking for work and 'stick-to-itivenss' and effort when he did have a job kept showing he really didn't want to work.

 

The real issue is he didn't want to be a responsible adult and deal with the drudgery of a full time job, and that forced the marriage into a parent-child dynamic where i was the parent and he was the child who wanted to be taken care of it. I eventually lost respect for him and gave him the heave-ho. He didn't want to be an equal partner, and didn't care if his own lack of responsbility threw more stress on my shoulders.

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I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and experiences on this. As to the question of if it's affecting our relationship, it is because I feel like he doesn't really care about our future. I get home every day and he's on his computer or watching tv. I'm working my butt off every day, the daily grind, and he's doing a whole lot of nothing. Bestongbehappy, I know what you mean about feeling like you are the parent. I know exactly how it feels. I am starting to feel like his mother, asking him if he looked for ajob today, did he find anything and blah blah. I have had many many discussions on where I want to see us going, and he agrees, but he continues to do nothing about it. I feel like I can't wait much longer. I'm 29 and I'm getting old as it is. I really don't want to lose him because I love him soooo much. I'm worried I won't be able to find someone as loving and sensitive and emotionally satisfying to me as he is.

I also feel like I'm hoping things will turn around. But when I look back on the past 2 years, he's never been able to hold any steady job and I've always made more than him. How much longer do I wait?

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It seems absolutely shallow to me.

 

He isn't making enough money and might be going through a really tough time right now and this is your reaction to it?

It is obviously a source of pain for him.

 

 

Yes, the number 1 reason why marriages end is over financial reasons but that doesn't have to be that way. Either one person is blowing it on something unattainable or the other person believes that they deserve something better (more financially rewarding). This leads to a lack of respect men sometimes feel torwards women.

 

If you re read, it's not that he isn't making money. It's that he is being irresponsible with the money he had.

 

And, 'attitude problem" making him lose his jobs is pretty alarming.

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itsnotalone

 

If you are dumping him because he is not making enough money esp when he is going through a hard time then it is shallow. If you are dumping him because he refuses to work at all and what little he makes he spends on a car rather than helping out that is not so selfish.

 

Are you sure there isn't something psychological here? Have you given him a more serious ultimatum?

 

It seems like part of it is simply because you want a guy who makes a lot of money which is pretty superficial and mercenary. However the other half of it is a sincere and good reason to resent his behavior if you are being hurt by it.

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If you re read, it's not that he isn't making money. It's that he is being irresponsible with the money he had.

 

And, 'attitude problem" making him lose his jobs is pretty alarming.

 

I already deleted that post before you responded. I read her first -third post which sounded pretty bad but then she expounded with separate issues.

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itsnotalone

 

If you are dumping him because he is not making enough money esp when he is going through a hard time then it is shallow. If you are dumping him because he refuses to work at all and what little he makes he spends on a car rather than helping out that is not so selfish.

 

Are you sure there isn't something psychological here? Have you given him a more serious ultimatum?

 

It seems like part of it is simply because you want a guy who makes a lot of money which is pretty superficial and mercenary.

 

Where did you read that?

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Where did you read that?

 

And I know that even when he does get another job, it's not really going to be a high paying job as he really doesn't have much in the way of a career or career goals.

I don't think this would be as big an issue as it is if it weren't for me having many opportunities to be dating others who have it together.

 

 

 

This is somebody who said everything else is great.

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And I know that even when he does get another job, it's not really going to be a high paying job as he really doesn't have much in the way of a career or career goals.

I don't think this would be as big an issue as it is if it weren't for me having many opportunities to be dating others who have it together.

 

 

 

This is somebody who said everything else is great.

 

I would also have a huge problem with a guy who couldn'd hold down a good job and do his pull of the work or had few career goals.

 

I fail to see where that is superficial.

 

She's been with the man for years and he's older than her. In a time when most people are financially stable in their lives and have things paved out, he's not putting much effort into job hunting nor keeping a job. However, he is putting effort into an older car.

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If you have made it clear what your expectations are, and he is still making no effort then you have waited long enough. However if you haven’t made it clear what you expect him to be doing, then I think you should spell it out for him so that he will have no excuse, and you will know you have a clear conscience when you break it off.

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