Fellow divorced people...when will I stop thinking every problem is the beginning of the end?

[forgingon]

My marriage ended unexpectedly two years ago...and I found out one month later that he had been having an affair (and is still with her). I am in a new relationship for seventeen months now, that I feel is generally very good... we seem to be well matched, have lots of chemistry, similar backgrounds, and in general get along well and easily. My problem is that when any tension does arise between I seem to get panicky, like it is the beginning of the end. Like something is going to happen to pull the rug out from under me just when I am really getting happy again.

 

My boyfriend went to the D.R. for a week of golf last week, and I was cool with it...I understand his need for boytime (I need time with my friends too...) I genuinely wanted him to have fun, I trusted that he cares enough about me NOT to do anything that would hurt me just because it was fun at the time (which given the betrayal of my ten year husband is difficult...but I did! I trusted him) I really wanted him to have a good time!

 

But since he got back five days ago we have not have five minutes alone without my or his children with us. He has seemed preoccupied (work is crazy - I'm trying to understand his pressures) and we have had no real good connection time. He had his daughter all weekend, which was fine, he needed time with her too, she missed him just like I did, and frankly I like spending time with her and us. Last night we had friends over, for dinner. He stood up and pronounced to our friends that he was leaving to go to a bar and watch the Syracuse game. He left his sleeping daughter at home with me (without asking me if I minded that) and basically pushed our friends out the door...leaving me home to babysit on a Saturday night after he had a whole week of 'boytime' in the Dominican.

 

I was hurt and embarrassed that he treated me (and our friends) like that. And then he made a crack this morning about his girlfriend giving him a hard time about the game...(I said very little when he left...didn't want to make a scene in front of our friends).

 

I know I have wicked PMS this week. So I thought about it for several hours then phoned him to tell him that his behavior hurt me, and that I felt unimportant and a bit embarrassed that he did that in front of friends. And That I felt taken for granted...I would never have left my kids with him on a Saturday night when he didn't have his own...especially not without talking about it first.

 

We didn't have a yelling match or anything...it was a discussion...but clearly he wants to just drop it...and he seems distant. I know I have pms...and that is coloring my feelings...but his behavior sucked and I had to address it. But now he's mad and I'm hurt and terrified that this stupid little argument will tear things apart. I was even afraid to bring it up because I didn't want the repercussion (he withdraws, refuses to try to resolve things...seems to be a 'let it pass' type...I like to deal with it, understand and be understood and move on...) Now I feel sick.

 

I really love him. I want this to work. I just started to feel safe and positive again...but each time we've had a conflict (three times in seventeen months...not a crazy amount...) i feel like it means the beginning of the end - like he is just going to 'stop' loving me. How do I get past that feeling.

[sandrawg]

I know where you're coming from. I was married 10 years. My exh divorced me due to an illness, almost 4 years ago. I found out a couple months ago that he'd been having an affair (obviously, I was clueless about who he really was.)

 

I have had so many guys lie to me and cheat on me. I am starting to wonder if it's me...!

 

Anyway, the only thing i can tell you that helped me, is therapy. Specifically, cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps you control your thoughts better. People like us tend to have abandonment issues. I had some serious insecurities and jealousy issues with my last boyfriend. He was unfortunately paying for the sins of my ex-husband and others. This wasn't something I had much luck getting under control, though. It's not until our relationship ended, and I sought therapy again, that I've been able to work on my insecurities.

 

Your bf's treatment of you was pretty inconsiderate. I don't think it warrants a big blow-up, but he may not know how to handle it because he didn't mean to hurt you and probably feels bad. It might be helpful if you give him direction for how he could handle things better in the future (i.e., "I would appreciate if, in the future, you ASK me before leaving your child here for me to babysite.") and leave it at that.

[forgingon]

[Your bf's treatment of you was pretty inconsiderate. I don't think it warrants a big blow-up, but he may not know how to handle it because he didn't mean to hurt you and probably feels bad. It might be helpful if you give him direction for how he could handle things better in the future (i.e., "I would appreciate if, in the future, you ASK me before leaving your child here for me to babysite.") and leave it at that.

 

I know I wasn't overreacting to the situation...but I did have to address it. I also know that now he's in a bit of a retreat...and I am hurt more that he didn't just say "I'm sorry. That was crappy behavior." My mom and sister both think I'm not used to how 'men' behave bacause my ex and I used to talk things through a lot, communicate feeltings etc, and he was ultra sensitive to constructive wording and fair fighting... (all the good it did us!) while my new boyfriend hate to have to communicate his feelings.

 

I will try to give him direction next time. I just wish I could trust that there isn't more than a little argument going on here...and I am afraid that I will create a problem by looking for one.

[Sparkie]

Hi

 

I think there are 2 issues.

 

1. You need to maybe speak to someone to help with the feelings you have of things not working out. It is natural that you do, but it will be harmful to you and the relationship if you don't get on top of it.

 

2. His behaviour was out of order and inconsiderate. But it doesn't necessarily imply that there is more going on behind the scenes.

 

Sorting out your feelings will better help you to pick which 'fights' to have. It's ok to be upset about saturday night, as long as your other 'fears' don't seep into your handling of it and make it bigger than it was.

[forgingon]

Hi

 

I think there are 2 issues.

 

1. You need to maybe speak to someone to help with the feelings you have of things not working out. It is natural that you do, but it will be harmful to you and the relationship if you don't get on top of it.

 

2. His behaviour was out of order and inconsiderate. But it doesn't necessarily imply that there is more going on behind the scenes.

 

Sorting out your feelings will better help you to pick which 'fights' to have. It's ok to be upset about saturday night, as long as your other 'fears' don't seep into your handling of it and make it bigger than it was.

 

Thank you for your comments. I am trying to get a handle on my 'abandonment fears' and I do go to councilling...and it has been getting better...

 

I appreciate the time you took replying...sometimes this board helps me put perspective on things that I desperately need...and I don't feel so alone.