so tired

[astaro]

i am sick of feeling this way, i am tired of struggling, i want to break down and cry and i don't even know why. its been 11 months since i broke off our relationship. she is a spoiled selfish girl. she's had two jobs in her life (25 now) longest lasting 6 months, she lives off her father which hasn't been doing very well recently. when i first started seeing her all my friends said she's a stupid little girl and wanted nothing to do with her. i fought for her, i made them see that she wasn't stupid, i showed them that she was a nice person to be around... i regret it.

 

she stayed in touch with most of my friends after the breakup and now i just cant seem to get away from her, she is at every social event i want to go to. she likes similar activities as me so at a party she is usually next to me. i am not the most extroverted of people and always had my small crowd of friends.

 

the thought had occurred to me to ask my friends not to invite her (they have all been my friends for 10+ years) but i think its unfair to ask such a thing of them. so a while ago i approached her and asked her to not come to a single party and give me some space. she agreed and thus i agreed to work on setting up the party (have very good hands and am a part time bartender). she changed her mind at the last minute and i ended up working for 10 hours setting it up, then spending about an hour and a half at the party before leaving because i just couldn't get away from her. i was an emotional wreck for two days afterwords.

 

i spent the next couple of months avoiding most large social events, i just cant seem to be free and myself when she's around, i get approached by enough woman at party's but when she is around i just feel bad about it and do nothing. two weeks ago i was at a friends house when she popped over, i was nice and cordial and was truly happy to hear that her final project went very well (she took a design class), in the coming two weeks i spent four evenings with her, apparently after the first night she told my friends that i was now ok with seeing her.

 

i don't mind seeing her once in a while, being nice, chatting a bit... it starts to get to me when she is everywhere i go, every time i turn my head there she is. i just want to go to a party with my friends and relax. i don't have the luxury of pubs and paid for party's as i am a full time engineering student living on my own with very little assistance. which leaves me with the free house party's people organize.

 

i don't want her back, i guess she is a symbol of my loneliness, seeing her just brings so much pain up to the surface, i wish i was strong enough to see her on a regular basis and be totally OK with it, but i am just not there yet.i know time will eventually do its job but in the meantime i carry around so much pain all the time.

 

i don't want to be strong anymore, sometimes i wonder where i draw my strength from, but i know that whatever life has to throw at me i can take, i was forced into being dad when i was 10 years old, i have been strong my entire life. it was either be strong or give up. i want to just lay down in someones arms and cry, i want someone else to be strong for me for once.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I went through the same thing for a long time after a breakup, and the added bummer was that my ex was always pursuing 'the talk' to try to get back together. That was the last thing I wanted. I resented him so much, and I felt blackmailed into avoiding flirtatious contact with other guys because there would always be such a hassle attached.

 

But then I figured out that there would always be a hassle whether I pursued other guys or not, so why not just ignore the ex and do whatever the hell I wanted? Sure, this would likely land interested guys in an unfair position of needing to suffer some drama from the ex as payment for the crime of dealing with me, so I just made sure I gave out fair warnings early enough to justify any outcomes as their decision.

 

I also pursued other friendships outside my normal circle, and this really took some of that pressure out of my cooker. My social time became divided between old and new friends. This started teaching the ex to form new expectations when he went to parties--I wasn't always going to be around to focus on. Eventually he hooked up with someone else, and I couldn't have been more relieved. In fact, once they came to a party together and she started telling people she was afraid of me. So I pursued some friendly talk with her, and I let her know I was happy that she and ex had found one another.

 

Point is, these are the cards you're dealt. You can always opt to fold and just lie low for a while, but if you resent the 'need' to do that, then it's not really a need at all. If you stay in the game, it's voluntary. Play it out the best you can, and understand, everything is temporary--it WILL pass.

 

Oh! One more thing--about your bartending skills. Why not sign up for a traveling team and use those skills for hire at parties for strangers? Maybe keep a business card handy and make new friends that way?

 

In your corner.

[astaro]

i am currently pusuing work in hi-tech, need a steady job that will get me through my studys, i enjoy bartending mostly when its my/a friends party and i can go around making sure the party is well toasted

 

you are right, i need to find the strength to not be bothered by seeing her, need to find a way to put this pain aside...

 

thank you.

[astaro]

the truly important point i came to from this is i need to start thinking about what i do want rather then what i dont want...

 

not many people manage to get my wheels spinning, thanks again