discussing feelings of resentment?

[mswales]

Hi,

 

If anyone could give me any advice or ideas about my situation that would be great, if not i guess just writing it down will probably help. It's a bit of a long story but i'll try to be succinct.

 

I have been going out with my boyfriend for about 10 years, it has always been a long term relationship but a good one. We are both 27 now. I was a student for a long time at first but in the past year and a half i have been working as a teacher. Now i am settled and earning it seems like time to buy a house and settle down, this was always the plan.

 

My boyfriend is self employed and has been ever since he left school at 18, however he basically doesn't make enough money to survive on his own so lives with his parents. He is quite an interesting character and I know he would find it hard to have a job and have someone else tell him what to do.

 

In the past couple of months we have looked seriously at getting together a deposit for a mortgage. But basically I am the only one with the money so it will all be from me, and as i am the only one with a steady income we can only rely on me for the mortgage repayments. To help raise money i have been tutoring for about 4 hours a week on top of my full time job.

 

Recently i have acknowledged to myself that i am getting a bit annoyed that he hasn't held his hands up and said "look, i don't make enough working for myself i'll get a part time job". Even if it was for a couple of months or something at least then i would feel he was making an effort. I know he wouldn't like it and in a way i don't want him to be miserable. I don't know whether he hasn't got a job because of pride, principle or maybe he is ashamed/fearful that he won't get one?

 

Last week my parents said they would take out a loan to give us money to help with a deposit, without this money i don't think realistically we would be able to buy a house. I was stunned and happy but when i told him he just kinda seemed pi$$ed off. He doesn't like taking money off people but i can't understand why if it bothers him so much he doesn't get a job.

 

I am really non-confrontational and hate arguments. He doesn't mind arguments at all but isn't very good at talking about (or acknowledging) his feelings. With the economic situation as it is he is struggling for money more than ever and can't visit me so we can only talk by phone. How can I sort this out?!

 

Thanks for reading.

[Di_ya2009]

Hi, it seems like you are a well grounded person and maybe it is better to push off the house buying idea until he is able to contribute also since he was upset about taking the loan from your parents. That way you won't feel annoyed especially once the bills and everything comes in along with a house and you feel that you are the one who is responsible for all the payments. It may create stress for you as well. You seem very considerate that you don't want him to be miserable, but I think it's unfair that you are willing to tutor outside the full time job, while he is not putting any effort (unless he is tryign hard in his business). It's best to have a talk before making the committment. You seem very understanding and know him best, so approach is his way to make himunderstand. I hope this helps, it's just my opinion. You know your boyfriend and your situation the best so make choices accordingly.

[odile]

If after 10 years he's not jumping at the chance to move out of his parents' place, I'd question whether this was really about money, or if instead it has more to do with one person wanting to move to the next level, and one person not being quite ready to.