I feel so ashamed, and guilty.

[CoCo2009]

My boyfriend broke up with me. I think it was because I am suffering from depression, anxiety, and I have abandonment issues. I had moodswings and I just couldn't stay happy for long enough for him to be able to stay with him. I love him and I feel like I missed the only guy that will only really love me. I feel like he is already with someone else and its my fault because I was such a horrible girlfriend. I wish I had a different personality. I'm trying to be a better more positive person but its not working as fast as I wish it would. Sometimes I forget that I need to control my emotions better. I feel so guilty and I feel like I will always be alone. I will never have a man like him again. I feel like I ruined him.

[The_Wanderer]

My long-term girlfriend also broke up with my largely because I had been suffering from depression and anxiety issues and she could no longer deal with them. You will love again! The most important part is trying to make yourself whole, first. After that, you will be more ready to share your life with another person. Just take it a day at a time. I have improved my mental situation a lot, but I still have more I need to do.

[CoCo2009]

I feel like after 7 years in this relationship I will never be able to heal again. I feel lost and lonely and in the morning its so hard.

[waltwhit]

I will never have a man like him again. I feel like I ruined him.

 

First off, if you really believe this last line, I promise you, you won't ever have a man like him again. But the truth is, there are plenty of guys out there just like him, and I assure you that there are even better guys out there. I am not sure how old you are, but if you are young then I understand how this can feel like the end of the world. There are two ways of looking at anything that happens to you, be it good or bad. In the end, happiness is simply a choice. It's making a choice to look at the good in every situation and don't amplify the bad. You know, it would be like driving in your car and listening to a great song on the radio while at the same time there is really loud construction going on outside the car. You can turn up the volume of the great song on the radio to the point that you don't even hear the construction outside and rock on in blissful ignorance to the horrible noises that are going on outside. OR, you could choose to roll down your window and turn the volume on your stereo down, and then be frustrated that the construction noise is ruining your favorite song on the radio! I know you're thinking, "why would anyone ever do that?" It sounds absurd, but that is exactly what happens when we choose to focus on the negative. If you are looking for negatives to focus on, and that is what we are doing when we are depressed or anything but happy and at peace, you will find them at every turn. I promise! But, the same is true if you are looking for the positives in every thing that occurs. And, in fact, no matter which you choose to do, they will keep magnifying themselves and it will become easier and easier to keep focusing in that manner. So, did you view this last sentence as a good thing or a bad thing? *I* think it's a GREAT thing because it means once you start focusing on the positives in every situation, it just becomes easier and easier.

 

And, food for thought, once you have gotten really good at focusing on the good in every situation and being at peace, negative people and situations become a lot more obvious, and very easy to avoid. Negative people stick out like sore thumbs, and you will find yourself avoiding them instead of attracting them. You see, whatever you WANT to believe subconsciously, you will succeed in finding evidence in your everyday life that reinforces that belief. It is your mind's defense mechanism in which keeps you from thinking you are crazy! So, if you believe you are depressed, or that life is difficult, or that work sucks or whatever, you will constantly and consistently find people and situations that confirm that. If you are in a crowd, say at jury duty or the doctor's office or something, you will gravitate subconsciously toward the people in that room that either agree with your negative views or they will be people that need a confirmation of their beliefs about people (IE people are all miserable, or always negative, or always complaining etc.). Conversely, the same is true if you are constantly thinking in a positive way. When in a group of people you will be attracted to and attract those people that share your positive views.

 

So can you see how thinking in a positive way can multiply itself?

 

Sorry this is so long, I guess I got carried away, but one more point...

 

in EVERY situation, no matter WHAT happens to you, you have a choice to be made. You can choose negatively or positively, it is entirely up to you. If you have been choosing negatively for a long time, it will feel VERY uncomfortable to choose the positive in any given situation. THAT is how you can know that it is the right decision. The next time you have to do it it only gets easier. AND the best part is, that people that consistently choose to be positive literally ATTRACT awesome people and situations into their lives, while negative people ATTRACT more negativity and negative people, and therefore end up in a downward spiral.

 

There is no hocus pocus here, it is a simple fact though that if you are a positive person and you are at peace and are happy, you avoid negativity in every form, including in the form of people. You can recognize someone that is negative from a mile away, and you simply stay away from them.

 

Ok, I'm done rambling. Bottom line is, you can do it! and if you need help I am here to help you and so is everyone else out here I am sure! Best of luck!

[CoCo2009]

thank you for your post and I agree with you, I have been trying to be more positive but I slipped up and got drunk and he walked out on me and I found out he called a girl that night. I don't know if they had sex or whatever but I keep thinking they did and that he we will never be the same again even though we are broke up? I feel crazy I keep dreaming and agonizing over it and I'm so scared. Its so odd the way I feel. I want to feel better I want to move on but its like I'm held down or something.

[giggidy]

same thing here. most of the issue surrounded the progression of arguments. and believe it or not, many of your symptoms could be due to the relationship itself, and your response to stress. please don't think that you ruined it, you guys just didn't function together, and no matter how much you think he put up with things, the important thing to realize is that many of your problems could be associated with how little or inappropriately he responded.

 

if you have a condition, take care of yourself, and make the next person aware of it in case symptoms surface.

 

but, do one thing for me. if you take a long time to get yourself healed from this, i'd bet that when you finally get over the breakup, you'll realize that the person you are without him will be healthier, less anxious, and more controlled.

 

relationships are influential on intense social levels, and it is external influence that is the most influential on human beings behavior. if you want to see how responcive people are to duress and other social influences, read Zimbardo's The Lucifer Effect.

 

i guess what i'm trying to say is, many of the events you experienced might have been due to the way you functioned with the person you were with. ever been with someone who just brings out certain qualities? it's all how we respond to different stimuli, and i'd bet that this guy activates the same emotions you may have felt in the past with a father or mother.

 

if that is the case, root into those emotions and figure out where they come from, why you respond that way, and how to choose a partner that will be flexible and able to condition your behavior differently.

 

good luck, and remember that you may be healthy after all.

[CoCo2009]

sometimes I did feel like he made me anxious or I was not depressed like this before I got into this relationship. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have been in a relationship with him, that I kinda forced myself into it so that I wouldn't be alone after a break up. I then started to love him and now here I am seven years later broken hearted and feeling so rejected and just not good enough

[giggidy]

those are the vary reasons why conflict arose. you were seeking approval, and because you initially didn't want to progress in a relationship, there has always been a form of resentment that would arise if he would appear to reject you. its not cause you have a fear of abandonment, it's because deep down, you wanted out but found a restrictive responcibility to stay. those feelings harbored resentment at his actions that appeared more free and self protective than your own.

 

don't get in a relationship unless you want to. don't work hard to please another person in the hopes that love will result. that's not love, that's an unhealthy attachment. what you need to work on is realizing that you aren't bad or inadequate, you are a healthy person that just needs time to realize her own self worth.

 

improve your self esteem, empower yourself, and choose to be single. make your own needs first, and when your are ready, make the next relationship your choice.

 

and remember, you never have to stay with someone or be with someone for any reason. it's tough being alone, but if you cant stand being with yourself, why would you expect anyone else to?

[CoCo2009]

I've never felt so confused, I felt like I couldn't break it off because I loved him too much and that I would regret it. He is the first guy that would basically do anything to please me and I loved that and all the attention he gave me. I really did love him but something was missing. I wasn't as attracted to him as I wanted to be. I didn't like kissing him and I only miss him sooo much when he is gone but when he comes back I don't like him anymore. I am such a mess I feel like such a bad person. Why do I want him so bad? I appreciate your advice and feedback

[giggidy]

i'm going out on a limb here, but expressing protective behavior over another person, shielding them form the pain of losing you and staying to fulfill their needs seems representative of tendencies towards codependency.

 

there are many causes, and sometimes this can just be a behavior that develops during attachment but here are some things to look for:

 

1. Previous interaction or attachment with an addictive personality. this could be a parent, sibling, best friend, or partner. addictive relationships build codependent behaviors.

 

2. a history of abuse or neglect, either physical or verbal.

 

3. previous history of dependency on substances.

 

4. any close emotional attachment that built behaviors of rationalization. I.E. it's o.k. because he can't help himself.

 

in this scenario, you may have harbored resentment at the fact that his display of healthy reactions to your negative behavior was different from your own. for example, you may have put up with him yelling you, but him leaving for the same reason seems like he doesn't love you the same.

[CoCo2009]

He wasn't abusive it seems I was, I was the one picking fights and yelling and I wasn't afraid of leaving him because of how he would feel, I was afraid because I would miss him so much like I do now. you see how confusing this sounds, my head is in circles going round and round. he told me that I when he got into a relationship with me he could see I was angry and hurt but he thought that if he treated me well and showed me he wasn't like the other guys that I would change. I didn't change and so he left me.

[giggidy]

i know, but in you past has any of those four things applied?

[giggidy]

it's not that you consciously don't want to hurt him, its that subconsciously you transpose your own fears of abandonment on to the potential for the occurrence, whether it be by his hands or yours. either way, you're shielding and testing, and your building a codependent relationship, "it's o.k. cause she'll change," "she just has issues from the past relationship."

 

your creating an environment of codependency based on the same rationalization that develops during a previous codependent relationship.

 

 

either you had a history of dealing with people with problems, or he does... i'd bet on you.

[CoCo2009]

i know, but in you past has any of those four things applied?

 

sadly yes

[giggidy]

the behaviors your displaying are not "fears of abandonment" due to the past abuse, they are the codependent though patterns that develop over years of dealing with an abusive or addictive personality.

 

all the times that you rationalized and thought things like:

 

"my dad's just a hillbilly, he's just tough as nails and i get my ass kicked for a good reason"

 

or "he/she just drinks a lot, they're big on getting drunk, but they're still good people"

 

you are building codependent behaviors. you are building a thought pattern of rationalization and self blaming that will continue to express itself in future relationships.

 

they way they commonly display themselves is in the way that:

 

1. you tend to sacrifice your needs a lot.

2. your behavior is expressed in a violent way, and there is an expectation of acceptance and rationalization at the part of the second party recipient.

3. there are rationalizations that take place "she's just getting over her past realtionship" "she's just got trust issues"

 

 

it's important to understand that trying to work through these complex emotions is almost impossible to do alone. they are not context dependent, they are environment dependent.

 

you need to seek counseling for the previous negative environments:

 

1. it's important to realize that the past rationalizations are wrong. even though it's hard to say, you were mistreated in your past, and you need to go to someone and admit the things that happened.

 

2. please join al-anon if there is a history of dealing with someone with substance abuse. Al-anon is for people and families dealing with someone with a history of drug/achohol dependency. it is filled with people going through the same thing.

 

3. seek help for your own dependency issues if there are any.

 

4. realize that the pattern will continue if professional counseling is not saught after.

 

5. realize that it is possible to overcome these behaviors and tendencies, but you need to be aware of their presence. ask your therapist about codependency, and look it up online.

 

I have similar issues and i know it's hard. I love my dad very much, but i've been severely mistreated as a child. it's not my fault, and it's not my anger issues i'm dealing with, it's his, but it has affected me, and it will take a long time to overcome.

 

it's hard but it can be fixed. you need to not feel guilty or shameful of this. this shame and guilt is not about you, it's about the behaviors that you've experienced and are now acting out apon.

[CoCo2009]

I know I need counseling I am currently seeking some type of free couseling. I wish he would have stood by my side. Now he is probably with another girl and I'm alone thinking about them together. I just need to get over the fact that he is gone and try to not think about it. I just need to keep trying. thank you.

[giggidy]

what he's doing is healthy for him, he's making decisions based on what he wants, and you need to do the same.

 

you're starting to feel expectations you've developed in yourself.

___________________________

for example:

In your past

you may have rationalized rather than knowing that you getting hit is NOT o.k. (for example) it's not your fault and you didn't deserve it. instead you've made it your problem.

___________________________________________

this is not his problem, and it's not yours. it's the problem of the person who mistreated you playing itself out in your life choices and behaviors. if he stayed in this environment when it hurt him, he would be displaying codependent behaviors.

 

some things to do on your own:

 

1. list out three times you've been hurt by someone.

 

2. for each of those three times, list out the feelings that came from the hurt.

 

3. for each of those feelings list out the ways you might have made excuses for it.

 

4. for each of those excuses, write out the reverse and the reality of the situation as though you were an outsider looking in.

 

Example:

 

1. My dad hit me with a broom.

 

2. i felt sad and angry, upset and hurt.

 

3. i thought i deserved it, i made him mad enough to do it. i kept pushing his buttons, and i was really rude to him. i made him that way.

 

4. I didn't deserve it, and i didn't make him do it. he's in control over his emotions, not me. even though i was rude to him, i didn't make him that way.

 

 

also, look up online about codependency. I hope the free counseling helps. also, if you enroll in community college or any other educational institution, counseling is included.

[CoCo2009]

he hasn't hit me, am I misunderstanding your post?

[giggidy]

have i misinterpreted? you did go through abuse in the past right?

 

or did you go through dealing with someone with addictive issues?

 

i'm talking about prior to this relationship

[giggidy]

i made some revisions.

[CoCo2009]

Oh I understand, well I have been in very un healthy relationships in the past with cheating, and alcoholism. My dad did leave at an early early age and he was on drugs so that may be what is inside of me hurting me. I have always felt like it didn't bother me but maybe it is in the back of my mind?

[giggidy]

well it's not the ignoring the bothering thing that's the problem, it's the ways in which you may have dealt with things that hurt you.

 

for example:

 

rationalization: making excuses for another persons behavior.

 

internalization: making yourself responsible for someone else's actions.

 

These are thought patterns that develop during a codependent realtionship. i'd expect that maybe your relationship with your mom wasn't a healthy one either.

 

anyway, it's those thoughts that you have to work on reversing through cognitive therapy techniques.

 

eventually, you won't be in a situation where your behavior or another's behavior will be rationalized or internalized.

 

the most important step is to realize that staying with an abusive or addictive person is not o.k.

 

you can't make or help a person change, they have to do it and want to do it themselves.

[giggidy]

i may have misdirected you a bit.

 

here's what i think is up:

 

you may have a fear of abandonment, which may have lead you to stay with partners that have mistreated and/or abused you. in the process, you have developed rationalization and internalization techniques to deal with staying. those techniques are unhealthy. It's important for you to deconstruct those learned behaviors through cognitive therapy and work on feeling comfortable being alone.

 

your father leaving you, and the possibility that your mother has had some codependency issues herself is what you need to bring up in counseling.

 

you can't avoid these emotions your feeling, you have to hit them face on. you can do it though!!! if i can, you can. it's painful and hard, but it's the most rewarding kind of pain.

[giggidy]

just a little disclaimer:

 

i'm not a professional, and no where near qualified to provide professional advise.

my opinions are meant for guidance

[purpleJ]

I came here reading to check up on coco and see how shes doing but im finding your posts so useful they make things so much clearer! are you a therapist?