Didn't like something my girlfriend joked about

[IamNotHere]

A few times recently, she's randomly brought things jokingly in conversation that I didn't like...references to past sexual partners she's had. Certain little details that I didn't want to hear. Nothing really bad, but details nonetheless that give me an images I never want to think about.

 

The thing is, I'm new at this. She took my virginity (she knows it, too), so I'm not used to the idea of being with another person and imagining other things she's done with other boyfriends, and I never want to.

 

I want to have a talk with her and tell her that I never want to hear details about past sexual experiences again, because it makes me unattracted to her. I love her and I've had thoughts of marriage with her, and I don't want any of that to be tainted.

 

Any advice? With everything else, she's been an amazing girlfriend. Keep in mind, the few things she's said that I didn't like were very random that came up casually in conversation...nothing super detailed. But enough to make me angry and not feel right the past few days, and hurt my attraction towards her. Is it just because I'm new at this?

[lostandhurt]

Well it is completely normal to feel the way you do after hearing the person you love talk about being with someone else. The past is often best left where it is especially if it has no bearing on either of you in the here and now.

Sit down and talk to her. Take her hand in yours and speak softly and explain that you know she has a sexual past but you simply don't want to hear about it even in the smallest way. Don't tell her that it makes you less attracted to her but just that it brings up images in your mind that you would rather not have. If she says it's no big deal and you are being silly then maybe you need to rethink a few things. If she understands and empathizes with your feelings then I think if it even splips out in the future you both will be able to work it out.

 

best wishes

 

lost

[KG]

I think you should just straight away tell her. How else is she going to know? But be polite, of course.

IMHO, a persons sexual past should never come. It's the past. You're the now.

[alli]

Well, it depends on how detailed you are talking about. There is a difference between mentioning times or people she has been with, & saying "John really liked that one time we were in his car & I gave him a bj for 20 minutes!" If it is specific enough that you can visualize what she has done with other people with pretty good accuracy (ie, not just picturing her doing it because she vaguely said "I did it with John") then tell her that is too much info & you don't really like to hear it. But if she is just casually referring to a bit of her past, you need to realize that her past does not belong to you & accept the fact that she had experiences before you. It isn't reasonable to expect the people you date to not have a past or pretend not to, and I think you know that.

 

My bf knows I have been with guys before him. I kinda told him who & when, like my ex 5 years ago, another guy I dated shortly 4 years ago, etc. But I don't show him pictures of them or say that it happened in the backseat of my car or anything. Wouldn't do any good anyway. So if you know anything more than who or when, tell her you don't want to know & keep that part of her past to herself!

[90_hour_sleep]

she may just be feeling insecure about her own sexuality...wants to impress you somehow. obviously she's read you wrong...because it's made you uncomortable. be civil...but assert yourself.

[IamNotHere]

I'll do what you guys said. Be civil, but assert myself, and tell her how I feel. It was never anything as specific as "John really liked that one time we were in his car & I gave him a bj for 20 minutes!".....but it was more specific than "I did it with John." I'd say it was about half-way between those two extremes.

 

I also really liked what LostandHurt said. I need to handle it just like that.

 

Thing is, I'm still really new at all this. I've only been with her for 7 months, and I've never been with anyone else.

[savignon]

I agree with Lost that you have to be gentle. Being angry or loud or mentioning that you're less attracted will be very hurtful. Most people have a past and a partner should not love them any less for it. Everything we do makes us who we are and if you love her, understand that her ride in life so far has included these things that you legitimately don't want to hear about.

[shikashika]

I think you should drop it.

 

It would be very unattractive of you to complain about something like this.

 

It will just show as you being weak and unable to deal with things.

[KG]

I think you should drop it.

 

It would be very unattractive of you to complain about something like this.

 

It will just show as you being weak and unable to deal with things.

 

I disagree...if they are going to have a successful relationship, he should be clear on things that make him uncomfortable. Not saying something would be weak.

[shikashika]

I disagree...if they are going to have a successful relationship, he should be clear on things that make him uncomfortable. Not saying something would be weak.

 

But i think this is the problem in so many relationships.

 

We've been taught by therapists to say things like, "You hurt my feelings!" all too often.

 

I just think this constant talking about feelings and "this is how i feel" causes more harm than good.

 

I honestly believe there is a problem with both men and women where people become over sensitive about every comment/ look that is made by their partner and are taught to express their feelings about it EVERY time something is said that makes them upset.

 

The problem I'm seeing with so many relationships is that people are so focused on 'how it makes them feel' and are taught that it's ok to express it everytime they dont' like a joke, comment or anything.

[IamNotHere]

But i think this is the problem in so many relationships.

 

We've been taught by therapists to say things like, "You hurt my feelings!" all too often.

 

I just think this constant talking about feelings and "this is how i feel" causes more harm than good.

 

I honestly believe there is a problem with both men and women where people become over sensitive about every comment/ look that is made by their partner and are taught to express their feelings about it EVERY time something is said that makes them upset.

 

The problem I'm seeing with so many relationships is that people are so focused on 'how it makes them feel' and are taught that it's ok to express it everytime they dont' like a joke, comment or anything.

 

 

But it's been several jokes and references in the past week, not just one time. And she has called me out on other things that I have done before, in a similar way...but with more anger over smaller issues. And I heard her out. I think she is mature enough to hear me out.

[shikashika]

But it's been several jokes and references in the past week, not just one time. And she has called me out on other things that I have done before, in a similar way...but with more anger over smaller issues. And I heard her out. I think she is mature enough to hear me out.

 

well you could try... she may think you are overreacting... she may not and apologise.

[AmIafool]

I really don't think he's overreacting - it's not cool to tell your SO about past sexual experience unless they ask for it, and even then you should approach the subject carefully.

 

I think his girlfriend is trying to tell him something but not doing it in a good way... perhaps in a very roundabout way she's trying to tell him what she likes in bed but is afraid to tell him directly. After all, she is his first sexual partner and maybe she is missing someone with more experience. If this is the case, she should be direct about sex between the two of them, not randomly bring up experiences with past boyfriends.

 

OP, I think you're right. If you have heard your gf out on issues she brought up with you, she should hear you out on this.