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I made a mistake...blew my cool...now what do I do?


thebird
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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Hello and thank you for your help!

 

I have dated my guy for 9 months..we have had a solid relationship. completely compatible...except for one underlying problem.

 

He is divorced with 2 children that I love ..and he has also had a vasectomy.

 

The more I grew to love him I wanted the security of knowing he was in the relationship with me for the long term, although he is not ready to get married again at this time...

 

I am struggling with my biological clock going off at 40, and went to the fertility specialist last week to look at my options. I told my BFthat I was doing this and going down a path to see if I can get inseminated or adopt. He was ok with it, but never asks anything about it...and if just seems as if he wish my "problem" would go away.

 

After I went to the doctor and of course he didn't even remember I was there, I blew up at him and took out all my emotions and fear on him...I also was pressing him to know if he plans to marry me one day...at this point in my lilfe I just don't want to waste any time. I was wrong to blow my cool and get angry at him in this way.

 

He was very hurt and said he didn't sleep the night it happened..didn't go to work the next day. I realized my mistake and apologized...but after a few days passed he had got to thinking about things and broke up with me..saying he cannot give me what I really want. I sent him a long email that I really just need his support..to help me with the choices and that I still wanted him as my partner..but he was far gone at this point saying he doesn't want to see me and it's too fresh and only time can heal this...

 

Before my emotional episode, we had a very strong relationship...at least I thought it was...we are so compatible. I have sent him a long email with a genuine apology and reassuring him of how I feel about him...and 3 days had passed since it happened and he is in "shutdown" mode when it comes to me...doesn't want to see me..

 

What should I do? I feel this man does love me but I have pushed him...but every relationship has issues and people have fights...If he genuinely loves me is there a chance he will come back?

 

Please help!

Thank you

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>>saying he cannot give me what I really want.

 

I think you made it very clear that you want to have children of your own and are not satisified with just being a stepmother to his children. That is probably what made him make this decision.

 

A man who gets a vasectomy is very clearly saying he is done with having more children and happy with what he's got. Men do sometimes try to reverse vasectomies if they change their mind later with a new partner, or lose a child and decide to have another, but this is not the norm. Most men who get vasectomies are basically saying, i'm done with procreating and don't want more kids.

 

So I think unless you are wililng to call him up and say (genuinely) that you will be happy not having kids of your own and happy being a stepparent to his kids, then it most likely is over.

 

He doesn't want more kids, and doesn't want you resenting him for not supporting your decision to have them, not for not wanting to take an active part is raising another baby. And by deciding to get inseminated with someone else's sperm, you are saying to him that his kids aren't enough for you, that you need one of your 'own' regardless of having 2 other kids to raise with him.

 

So if you are determined to have a baby, i don't think this guy is a good father for your child. You need to find someone who wants to raise a child with you, or decide that you want him and his kids more than you want to give birth to a child.

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It sounds to me like you do not have the same future goals and that is the problem...not that you blew up at him. It is WHY you blew up at him that is the issue. You want children and he clearly does not want anymore children. That is why he was not interested in your doctor's appointment. He is not on board and sees this as YOUR decision for YOUR future. Someone who is thrilled to pieces would have gone with you to the appointment. Also, you have only been together 9 months...not very long. You seem to be driven more by your biological clock than your actual love and sense of partnership with him. This is another issues. You say he was okay with what you were doing but had no interest...that is a clear indication that he didn't see long-term potential with you anyway...otherwise he might have discussed this further with you. It was like his attitude was "you do what you need to do and it doesn't phase me". It doesn't seem to me like he really had any thoughts about a long-term future with you..and the fight you had with him just got him off his butt and make him really think about it....up until now he was just coasting along. I think you need to accept that you both don't have the same goals for the future in mind and maybe it is time for you to look for someone who wants to start a family with you, whether or not he already has children.

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