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A wholesome person


easyguy

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I consider myself to be genuine. I don't like the idea of playing games, wasting someone's time, etc. Lately, I have been putting in an effort to meet more people, especially young women. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but I guess we're all shy in some respect when it comes to approaching people in public.

 

I started to think some about this whole "nice guy" label. I think it has more to do with a guy's behavior before attraction and the behavior in the process. For instance, if you are a very busy person and don't have lots of time to hang out and socialize... that's who you are. But say you meet a girl/young lady, have a couple conversations, and become so attached to her that you suddenly devalue your own time in place of her. Are you just trying to be nice or are you actually being yourself?

 

I wouldn't find that attractive in someone, because it would show that you'd be that willing to completely re-prioritize everything in your life just for the sake of attraction. If you have a passion for something, it would be understood that you have a high value for it in your life. You are wholesome.

 

I speak with absolutely no experience with intimate relationships, but it is something I've noticed just from the baby steps I've taken. What do you think?

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Well, that's true that it isn't that attractive. On the flip side, being intimate with someone at the start of dating is sometimes one of the more fun things in life. I'm not sure what you mean by "devalue," though. I don't usually devalue the things that I do outside of seeing the person... but when I'm the throes of something new with someone, it tends to make me realize how usually every-day life can be, and it's a welcome change.

 

I think the "nice guy" label is... bull, really. People are either attracted to one another for positive reasons, or for distructive reasons.

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I also agree that the "nice guy" label is baloney. It's a catchphrase for one of two things -- a guy who is wholesome and has decent values and doesn't play games, or someone who is a total pushover. I'd rather just talk about these behaviors separately, because the word "nice" to me has good connotations. I want to meet a nice guy. He's got to be more than just nice, but that's a start.

 

It strikes me that you're the kind of guy, easyguy, who greatly values his solitary time. This is a really good thing. But I'm wondering if you have some fear of the entrance into an intimate relationship, in that you worry about losing some sense of autonomy and control over things, emotionally. Are you afraid of being so sucked up by passion and desire, that you'll abandon yourself somehow? I sense you trying to keep a strong sense of order in your life.

 

Sometimes, it's okay to be at the mercy of intense feelings for someone. If you're a balanced and aware person, the pendulum will swing back.

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I am a nice guy, but certainly no pushover. You do get some people who allow themselves to be puppets on a string, but that's not niceness, that's another issue entirely...

 

You seem like a sound lad if you ask me. You could be (you were shy?) a little apprehensive in places but that's natural. I am also the same. Your genuine desire to please may come off the wrong way but trust me, it is better than being an a***ole to someone. Anyone who says "Nice Guys Finish Last" tend to be ones that get treated badly and don't want to blame themselves for letting it happen - trying to justify their choice, made partly because they don't think they deserve better.

 

Stick with what you are doing, change it up slightly and improve your confidence. A wholesome person is a good person indeed.

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But say you meet a girl/young lady, have a couple conversations, and become so attached to her that you suddenly devalue your own time in place of her. Are you just trying to be nice or are you actually being yourself?

 

If you get THAT attached after only a couple of conversations, this doesn't sound healthy to me! An attachment formed on this basis cannot be anything other than shallow (because you haven't had long enough to get to know the other person) and is likely to be based on fantasy - because that's all you've got to go on. This kind of scenario is highly likely to lead to great disillusion and disappointment.

 

If, however, you get to know someone more gradually, devaluing your own time isn't really an issue because it's a more gentle adjustment. If you share interests, that's great because you are making space for another person without losing yourself in the process. Or if you are both the kind of people who can enjoy solitary activities (such as reading, drawing etc) whilst sharing the same physical space, you can protect your sense of yourself AND be with another person. It takes time to find out this sort of thing about somebody else.

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It strikes me that you're the kind of guy, easyguy, who greatly values his solitary time. This is a really good thing. But I'm wondering if you have some fear of the entrance into an intimate relationship, in that you worry about losing some sense of autonomy and control over things, emotionally. Are you afraid of being so sucked up by passion and desire, that you'll abandon yourself somehow? I sense you trying to keep a strong sense of order in your life.

 

Sometimes, it's okay to be at the mercy of intense feelings for someone. If you're a balanced and aware person, the pendulum will swing back.

 

From experiences in the past when I've felt a strong attraction/desire towards someone (not reciprocated, though), I do sort of lose sight of who I am. I think that the lack of intimate relationship experience naturally makes me cling to others in that respect. It's especially easy now with the social networking sites to practically bookmark someone's page. Not saying that sites like MySpace and Facebook are bad. It's just that the doors to clinglyness can swing wide open if you have a habit of spending time no those sites.

 

Balance is something I've had problems with for many years. I've probably mentioned it a few times here on this forum, but I've put so much of an emotional/psychological and time investment in improving myself as a musician, that I often feel out of touch with just being a normal folk, you know? I'm beginning to put myself out there and meet people, but the emotional consequences of such an imbalance shows. I am happy with myself and love what I do, yet there are times when I wish I could have someone at my side who can relate to me and understand me as someone other than a musician.

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I think you're going in the right direction. You have the core, the basics: you have a high regard for yourself and what you do.

 

At the same time, though, I think you've diagnosed this properly as an issue of balance -- that the way to gain confidence in meeting people and having a relationship develop is to actually prioritize doing that. This sounds insanely self-evident, but lack of experience is only balanced by exposing yourself to the experience. And what may come with that experience is a challenge to your sense of balance, as you start to feel attached to someone. Which then is a reason to embrace this, because if you shy away from it in fear that it'll consume you, you don't learn how to experience strong feelings while still keeping your "center." So use it as another part of your practice.

 

My experience of clinginess is that it stems from a fear of being abandoned, underneath. It's easier to stay sequestered in solitude than risk that abandonment or lack of reciprocation, isn't it?

 

It doesn't have to be either/or. Either you immerse yourself in your music and feel good about that, or you end up chasing someone at the cost of your inner and creative life. But if these are the poles that you tend to swing between, then the remedy for this is to put yourself in a situation of a bit of risk with women while all the while keeping a very strong awareness of when it's not feeling good and when it is, with someone. Don't feel discouraged when it's not feeling good, just make a mental note of what you're feeling and act accordingly with that person, but keep the door open at all times to others.

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