Do you think it is acceptable to.......

[UltimateX]

date a person that you have had an affair with after you have completed your divorce? Does it make a difference if the ex knows of the affair or not or if you have children?

 

Just food for thought.

 

X

[skarlet]

Food for thought...

 

Acceptable by who's standards? If most people consider it okay, does that make something right?

 

Would it be better to ask if something is hurtful?

[jenny_mcs]

I think anyone who is married and has an affair is gross, so who cares what they do afterwards?

 

It's like asking "After you steal money from your grandma, is it wrong to use that money to play online poker?" The first thing is so lame, who cares about the second thing.

[odile]

I think anyone who is married and has an affair is gross, so who cares what they do afterwards?

 

It's like asking "After you steal money from your grandma, is it wrong to use that money to play online poker?" The first thing is so lame, who cares about the second thing.

 

 

 

Thing is, sometimes people are stupid and weak (and yeah, gross), and in no way is cheating ever justifiable.

 

BUT if after a divorce, a person wants to date someone that they've had the affair with, then I can't see how that is any worse than them dating anyone else, either.

 

For example:

Prince Charles should have never married Princess Diana in the first place.

She was a lovely girl who could easily have found a man who loved her.

Due to Charles' ability to make emotionally healthy, honest choices, he and Diana ended up spending many years in a marriage that wasn't a very happy one.

 

Now, he is with Camilla, the lady whom he cheated on Diana with for the duration or their marriage.

Is it wrong for them to be together now?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think once people are divorced, they are free to do what they choose.

 

However, the affair was what was not acceptable and of course broke up a family and broke many people's hearts.

 

So if you did have an affair during marriage, and then bring that affair partner out into the open after the marriage (when the partner and kids know that other person was the reason the marriage broke up), it is bound to create all kinds of additional pain and bitterness to expect the children to be with the person who replaced their mother/father and helped destroy the marriage.

 

So 'OK' is a relative term... If there were no kids involved, and the wife/husband doesn't have to see the affair partner or ex anymore because they are not in contact, then there is relatively little impact at that point and it is 'OK' from that standpoint.

[Wolf_22]

Thing is, sometimes people are stupid and weak (and yeah, gross), and in no way is cheating ever justifiable.

 

Tell that to Sophie Marceau from Braveheart.

 

If the women knew what she was doing prior to anything, then who's to say she won't do that again to you?

[purpleduckie]

If you continue to date the person you had an affair with, it means you have absolutely NO regret about screwing around with them in the first place. It means you feel that cheating on your previous was just FINE.

 

i would hate them. even more.

[odile]

Tell that to Sophie Marceau from Braveheart.

 

If the women knew what she was doing prior to anything, then who's to say she won't do that again to you?

 

Rats, I only saw braveheart once, years ago, so am missing the reference.

BUT i'm guessing that you're saying that the affair-partner is just as untrustworthy as the person who was cheating on a spouse.

 

This may or may not always be the case.

Cheaters can be VERY manipulative.

If they lied to the spouse, it's just as likely that they're lying to the new partner-- sometimes to the point of even lying about the existence of their spouse, or spinning lies like-- "we're going through a divorce, but the paperwork is taking a while, and what with the children and all..."

 

Dishonesty is a really ugly business.

 

If you continue to date the person you had an affair with, it means you have absolutely NO regret about screwing around with them in the first place. It means you feel that cheating on your previous was just FINE.

 

i would hate them. even more.

 

There's a difference between feeling regret for having left the spouse, and/or feeling regret for the way that you handled things.

 

Not that that makes being cheated on any easier.

I've been cheated on before, and it hurts, and I've hated them... and then slowly, as time passes, I've been able to forgive, and let go, thankful to be free of them.

 

Life's too short to spend your time with (or on) people who are low and dishonest, and who don't appreciate or respect you.

[Rabican]

Once you have gone through a divorce you owe no allegiance, standards, obligations etc. etc. to your ex.

 

However, why would you want to be with someone who has a low enough moral compass that they would be the 'other man/woman'. Probably best to find a better partner in the future. And stop cheating!!!

[smarternow]

The relationship would be a disaster. There would be no trust, and no acceptance of the relationship by friends and family. Plus, someone WILL cheat on the other, because neither person hold monogamy as important, evident by the affair. It would sure he!! and cause more pain and drama. Better to find someone with enough self-esteem, confidence and morals not to be a mistress a.k.a. * * * * * . Better to work on your self so that your are not damaged goods by being a weak man and a serial cheater. Only weak little boys pretending to be men fall into the affair trap. Real men know what their vows mean and stick to them. Only low self esteem little girls wearing grown up women clothes fall for allowing herself to be the back up * * * * in a affair. Neither one are fit for a relationship with anyone, much less each other.

[catfeeder]

Maybe some better questions to ask would be, 1) how long before lover's indifference to another's marriage vows starts to wear me into the kind of insecurity that will drive the new lover away? and, 2) how long will the lover remain indifferent to my proven capacity for disloyalty before making my life miserable?

[odile]

Maybe some better questions to ask would be,

1) how long before lover's indifference to another's marriage vows starts to wear me into the kind of insecurity that will drive the new lover away? and,

2) how long will the lover remain indifferent to my proven capacity for disloyalty before making my life miserable?

 

Catfeeder, It sounds like what you're asking is:

 

1) If I were married, and someone outside the marriage was open to pursuing a relationship with me; then

"how long before lover's indifference to another's marriage vows starts to wear me into the kind of insecurity that will drive the new lover away?"

 

2) If I were the 'extra' in an extra-marital affair, then "how long will the lover remain indifferent to my proven capacity for disloyalty before making my life miserable?"

 

 

Is that correct?

 

Well, in the first instance (from the perspective of the cheating partner), this may not be an issue, particularly if they have been the pursuer, sweet-talking/lying to the affair partner.

 

As mentioned before, many cheaters swear up and down to the OM/OW

that they love them and only them, and either deny having a spouse in the first place, or deny the level of involvement with the spouse (e.g., "we're already divorced, but our agreement is that I'm staying in the house until we've re-negotiated the mortgage at the end of the month; besides, it's easier for the kids that way.")

 

In a case like this, then the OW/OM might be perfectly trustworthy, if a bit naive to buy into the lines being fed to them.

 

And all cheaters are probably capable of smooth talking-- declarations of love, such as they'd "never felt before", etc., Some of which they might sincerely mean, and all of which can be pretty appealing to a person.

 

In any case, any person who gets involved with someone under such precarious conditions will soon be asking a lot of questions... so even if there were some pure intentions, any potential good that might have become of the partnership will be seriously challenged to survive.

 

That's why it's better to just steer completely clear of anybody that has unresolved entanglements of any kind, no matter how plausible and appealing the the story, and no matter how genuine they seem.

 

I guess that pretty much answers the second question, too.

[thistime]

If you continue to date the person you had an affair with, it means you have absolutely NO regret about screwing around with them in the first place. It means you feel that cheating on your previous was just FINE.

 

i would hate them. even more.

 

from personal expirience, I disagree with this statement. even tho I cheated on my husband, with the man who is now my bf...does NOT mean I think what I did was OK, and have no remorse or regrets! I know what I did was wrong, and i have asked forgiveness from my ex husband....I have gone thru therapy to find answers to why I cheated. my ex and I even tried therapy while we were seperated, after I told him I cheated....but by that time, the love was gone (on my end) and of course, the trust. BUT I TO THIS VERY DAY have guilt and remorse for cheating. i am in love with my bf tho...and he really wasnt to blame for my cheating...I was. AND my ex forgave me and was able to love, and remarry someone else....and it' my ability to admit IT WAS WRONG...that prevents me from ever cheating again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

 

Thing is, sometimes people are stupid and weak (and yeah, gross), and in no way is cheating ever justifiable.

 

BUT if after a divorce, a person wants to date someone that they've had the affair with, then I can't see how that is any worse than them dating anyone else, either.

 

For example:

Prince Charles should have never married Princess Diana in the first place.

She was a lovely girl who could easily have found a man who loved her.

Due to Charles' ability to make emotionally healthy, honest choices, he and Diana ended up spending many years in a marriage that wasn't a very happy one.

 

Now, he is with Camilla, the lady whom he cheated on Diana with for the duration or their marriage.

Is it wrong for them to be together now?

 

 

I agree. Once the betrayal has happened setting in motion the dissolution of the marriage, what is the point of suddenly saying "oh well, I can't date the person that I cheated with". If the marriage is over, the people are divorced then the two may as well date because the damage has already been done and there is no going back. To suddenly say "oh no, we can't date because that would be wrong...is kind of like closing the barn door after the cow has already escaped. While it may cause some additional pain to the children and the ex wife, no matter who the betrayer sees it would still cut deep anyway. As for Prince Charles and Camilla...they should have married each other long ago rather than dragging Princess Diana and Camilla's husband through the mud. Clearly their love for each other was true so I don't see why they should not have married despite what they had put their spouses through.

[Circe]

If the wife knew about the affair - its rubbing salt in the wound. If the wide didnt know about the affair - its continuing to pull the wool over her eyes.

 

Is it acceptable? I can't speak for society, but I wouldnt "accept" it (i.e. give it my support) if I were the wife. I wouldnt "accept" it if I were a friend of any party (I wouldnt support it but I might hold my peace on the topic depending on the friendship). I wouldnt "accept" it if I were a passer by told of it.

 

But - I'm defining "accept" as support. Because people don't really have a choice in whether they "accept" someone elses relationship do they? I wouldnt go around pretending it didnt exist, if that's what you mean.