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My Girlfriend was Raped


confusedbf

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I'm not sure where to start on this, so I guess I'll just start with the relationship. I'm been with this girl for over a year and a half now - I love her more than anything, and she feels the same way about me too. This thread isn't about this, but it's probably relevant - she was sexually abused as a child and has PTSD because of it, also she had another incident when she was a teenager before we met. Anyhow, we've been working on these issues throughout our relationship and have been making great progress. When we first met she couldn't even kiss me without turning away her face and she had nightmares every night so that she couldn't sleep. Now we can have sex, and she's has orgasms and only has nightmares once a week or so. That's not my problem though, that part was going just fine.

 

She went abroad this semester (we're both in college) and is halfway around the world. She told me last week that she was raped by someone living on her floor. He slipped a date rape drug in her drink while a group of them were at a club and then raped her back at her dorm. She's decided not to press charges because she doesn't want her family to find out and she doesn't want to be involved in a long legal battle that she probably won't win in a foreign country.

 

I'm just so * * * * ing pissed. Pissed at God for letting this happen to a sweet innocent girl so many times in her life. Pissed at the * * * * er who did it. I think because both her and i have dealt with rape in the past we are taking it better than most, but it is still devastating.

 

I'm so worried about her, I think she's physically safe as she's taken numerous precautions and knows self defense. But I'm worried about her mental state, she's been having more nightmares, and I'm not there to comfort her - she's all alone. And I'm halfway around the world. I feel so helpless. Also, I'm worried about how this is going to set back the progress in our relationship and with how she is dealing psychologically with her own rape issues.

 

This is the question I really want to ask - it's the one thing that I can actually change. I'm going out there at the end of the semester to visit her. That guy is going to be on her floor. Now I would never kill another human being, but I'm going to beat the living * * * * out of him. Am I right in doing this? Numerous thoughts have run through my head, such as carving an R in his arm so he would never forget what he did, or making him call his parents to tell them what he did. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not sure what my gf'll want me to do either. Even if she doesn't want me to, if I see him once I don't think I'll be able to contain myself.

 

So what should I do when I get there? I don't know, I'm really angry, really confused, and really hurt by all of this. All I want to do is to kick this guy's ass and to comfort my gf. I know people always say that violence isn't the answer. But this guy needs some consequence for his actions, and I'm going to give it to him.

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Well... to be frank, I have literally the same past as you girlfriend... I don't want to go into it, but its almost a replica. At any case, I had someone do that to me while my boyfriend and I were together.. and lets just say it ended up terrible. He went after the guy, yes probably with too much force, and ended up in jail. The rape was approx. a year and a half ago, and 6 months since he got arrested- and it still hangs over our heads everyday. We have to plan to go to hearings, and just hope to god for the best.

 

I have had the nightmares your girlfriend is talking about- and they are not at all pleasant. But the fear you have once you have to go to court is so much worse. I love my boyfriend, and to see him go through all this- it makes me feel that its my fault- even knowing that its not.. Its hard to explain but its just so much work to have to face conciquences that you have never had to face if you wouldn't have been raped...

 

I'm so sorry for what has happened, but only in my opinion do I beg you not to do anything.. The best you can do right now is just support her in any way she needs. As for containing yourself- you have to. All beating him up will do is make things harder on her..

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thanks, that's actually really helpful. Some solutions that I've thought of is maybe for me to just meet her in a different city when I visit the country she's in. That way I wouldn't have to deal with seeing him. Also if I go there, I thought I might just confront him and yell at him about it rather than assault him. Maybe I could ask him to fight me rather than just go out and assault him. I just afraid that if I don't do anything, I'm going to be kicking myself for the rest of my life. Also, I think he's done this type of thing before to other girls...I should do something so that he doesn't do it again. I just wish people like him didn't exist.

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I wish they didnt exist either! Haha. Do not do anything, I'm promising you that it will make things worse. She is probably having a hard enough time- even if she's playing it off goood.. The best thing you can do, is just only what she asks. Even if he is willing to fight you- dont. Just dont even go near him- its not worth it.. If you would, and things panned out like mine are/did, you too will be miserable. Ha. My boyfriend and I probably only get along once a week now a days... It just makes things so hard. And if he has done things to other girls.. one of them will eventually tell.. Its just hard to say how long... And I can also understand your girlfriend not wanting to tell anyone... I still to this day have never admitted it to anyone that can cause me havic... That might be the right way to handle it, but for me its worked?

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yeah, she handles it pretty well too. Thanks for your advice though. You're probably right, we'll probably just meet up someplace else. Maybe after she gets out of there so she won't ever see him again, I'll send him an hate email or something just to let him know what he's done. You've been really helpful though, I appreciate it. I hope that everything works out for you

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brother.. I am very family orientated..highly respectable but dont touch my family. In saying that the obvious methods of attack are far too obvious. The law punishes the family man for defending his family and equalising wrongs of this magnitude. Because of this do not give into anger but rise above and think. Your mind is your friend...self control is the best way to move forward on this... I am shocked by what has happened. I feel for you. Dont do anything stupid because time is on your side..think...

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this is a very tough situation to deal with.

 

My current gf - shes had lots of things happen to her in her past. Poor thing has been bullied, people calling her a loser etc, losing friends, men taking advantage of her vulnerability, her having an abortion (and subsequently a guy she was with told her to get out of his house after he heard about the abortion) and also her being raped when she was 16.

 

When I heard about the rape, I too wanted to go and drill my fist into the guys face. She was telling me about this while we were going for our walk, and having a chat about things that shes scared to talk about. As she was telling me, I was getting more and more angry. But then I thought about what is more important to her. and that being, she gets all the support and love that she needs from Me.

 

Its very easy to get angry and all that - especially when your partner didnt report to the police (my gf didnt report either), but all you can do is to be there for her, and tell her that if she needs to talk that you are there for her.

 

I even told my gf, that if she needs to go and let it all out to a professional (such as a counsellor or a psychiatrist), that I will accompany her to that too.

 

You just have to be there for your gf - and people are right, violence is not the way to go.

 

good luck and i hope things get better

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If that happened to me I think my boyfriend would have the same attitude as you. In fact, if I was raped and my boyfriend found out who the perpetrator was I am almost certain that he would come close to killing the guy. This really frightens me. When a girl has just gone through this kind of torment, going after the rapist yourself will just make things worse for her. You could get charged, or seriously hurt. This will make matters worse for you and her and the whole situation. I think the best that you can do is stop focusing your attention on the rapist but start focusing your attention on HER - on helping her recover. I assure you that she needs all the support she can get right now. I suggest you be there for her 100% and focus your attention on her, not on revenge.

 

That being said, rapists do need to pay for their actions. Is there any way you could convince your girlfriend to speak up to authorities about what happened? If I were her, I would NOT feel safe if I were still living on the same floor as him!! I would want him away from me ASAP. I know it's hard to speak up and say that you were raped but he could easily do it again. I really think you need to seriously talk to your girlfriend about this, perhaps go to her family and friends about the issue, or help her seek out therapy/ counseling.

 

I wish you and your girlfriend all the best of luck.

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she's currently in Australia, and is supposed to be there until june. Right after the attack she did go to the doctor and to the police. Unfortunately, the police were not very helpful and said that if she did decide to press charges, the case wouldn't even start until june or july, and that case could drag on for who-knows how long. Also she tried to get the guy evicted from the building, but she can't unless she is pressing charges.

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she's currently in Australia, and is supposed to be there until june. Right after the attack she did go to the doctor and to the police. Unfortunately, the police were not very helpful and said that if she did decide to press charges, the case wouldn't even start until june or july, and that case could drag on for who-knows how long. Also she tried to get the guy evicted from the building, but she can't unless she is pressing charges.

 

I find this hard to believe because police matters in Australia are usually very good. Where abouts in Australia is she? I live over here so maybe I could help out. I think she needs to go back to the police and reiterate the seriousness of the problem. This guy could easily rape her again - they are still living on the same floor so he obviously still knows her and knows where she lives. If I were her I would contact the police again and reiterate the seriousness, and at least find somewhere else to live. It's for her own safety.

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I find this hard to believe because police matters in Australia are usually very good. Where abouts in Australia is she? I live over here so maybe I could help out. I think she needs to go back to the police and reiterate the seriousness of the problem. This guy could easily rape her again - they are still living on the same floor so he obviously still knows her and knows where she lives. If I were her I would contact the police again and reiterate the seriousness, and at least find somewhere else to live. It's for her own safety.

 

I don't know exactly why they weren't cooperative or what exactly they said. She is Melbourne. There is a good chance they were less cooperative because both the people involved are American. I don't know though, I'm not sure how the legal system works in Australia or how it views rape, but I know that if she presses charges it would be a very long process.

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I don't know exactly why they weren't cooperative or what exactly they said. She is Melbourne. There is a good chance they were less cooperative because both the people involved are American. I don't know though, I'm not sure how the legal system works in Australia or how it views rape, but I know that if she presses charges it would be a very long process.

 

I live in Melbourne. As I said, if you need help, contact me, because I'm in Melbourne. When I was in high school my best friend was raped and the matter was treated very seriously by Victorian police. They started investigating immediately and the guy was prosecuted within months. This isn't very long at all. Doesn't it worry you that this guy could strike again? I know it's hard but going to authorities and following up what happened to you is worthwhile. But then again, I'm not sure how the situation would work out since the guy who committed the offense is American and so is she... maybe that complicates matters. Anyway I wish you and her all the best of luck in everything.

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  • 1 year later...

Even if she does not want to press charges, she needs support. Melbourne is not in a country where no one speaks her language and the culture is extremely different than the US. Its not. Surely there are support groups or womens crisis centers. By not doing a thing, she is continuing to be a victim. I do think that she should ask for a transfer to another form floor, etc as well. Perhaps there is a dorm that is not co-ed? If she is not willing to press charges, then encourage her to look into the other things or get help from the Australians here on resources for her.

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I'm not sure how the situation would work out since the guy who committed the offense is American and so is she... .

 

But even so, if the school is accustomed to hosting foreign students, there should be good resources. I would say worse comes to worse, maybe go to the American consulate to find out what the laws are and what Americans can do or if there is some sort of advocate for American students on campus.

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ok, so now it's over a year later...and i guess someone bumped this thread, so I figured I'd give an update.

 

As far as pressing charges and whatnot - you'd be really surprised at how the protocol is accross the boards for dealing with rape and sexual assault. I mean I go to a top liberal arts school in the US and just this year there was a case where the administration basically up a sexual assault case because they tried to "mediate" it between the students...and the guy, who was loaded, brought a lawyer and it got all up.

 

Anyway, so she tried to move her floor and even get out of her lease, but the owner of her building was a jack ass and basically he said he couldn't do anything without an official police report. As far as the police report goes, she did get a rape kit done and they found evidence and the drug in her system...so NO, it is not possible that she just drank too much...thanks for doubting.

 

But yeah, when she went to the police, they weren't very sensitive and she broke down crying and didn't end up filing anything. In the end, she decided to just wait it out, she slept over in her friends room a lot because she was having nightmares. She got through the semester without anything else happening though, it was just really hard because it was traumatic.

 

When she came back and we were at school together this year. It was definitely sort of hard at first, and we were both having a hard time because of it. But in the end, I ended up sharing it with some friends, and that helped me deal with it a lot...and she is also doing a lot better. It seems that our life is almost back to normal. To be honest, in a weird way, I think it helped a lot that she had been through it before - and that I had helped her through it. Anyways, I just thought I'd let you know that things are going fairly well right now. Thanks for all your help.

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"Anyway, so she tried to move her floor and even get out of her lease, but the owner of her building was a jack ass and basically he said he couldn't do anything without an official police report. As far as the police report goes, she did get a rape kit done and they found evidence and the drug in her system...so NO, it is not possible that she just drank too much...thanks for doubting."

 

well, since an overwhelming majority of the cases are strictly alcohol. If she did have a rape kit done and a police report, she should have turned that into the landlord. While studying abroad I filed not one, but TWO police reports, in a foreign language. It seems unbelievable to me that she wouldn't show the report to the landlord or why wouldn't she go to her program director , or even his. I have heard and witnessed lots of stories of girls cheating on the bf, regretting it, then blaming it on being drugged. (usually overcome with guilt they 'confess')

 

glad to hear things have worked out.

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well, since an overwhelming majority of the cases are strictly alcohol. If she did have a rape kit done and a police report, she should have turned that into the landlord. While studying abroad I filed not one, but TWO police reports, in a foreign language. It seems unbelievable to me that she wouldn't show the report to the landlord or why wouldn't she go to her program director , or even his. I have heard and witnessed lots of stories of girls cheating on the bf, regretting it, then blaming it on being drugged. (usually overcome with guilt they 'confess')

 

glad to hear things have worked out.

 

A lot of girls who have been raped or sexually abused find it very hard to go to authorities or show the rape kit/ report to other people. Being raped is something that makes you feel dirty, contaminated, worthless and embarrassed, so showing people evidence of it is something that is very hard. Perhaps this is why ultimately the evidence was not distributed. I know a couple of girls who have been raped/ sexually abused and in the end the same thing happens - it takes a while to grind authorities down and to get them to take the case seriously, so by the end of it the girls are completely traumatised and not wanting to relive the incident again and again and again. Showing results of a rape kit to a landlord, who isn't even an officer or lawyer or any sort, but a semi-random person, would be incredibly humiliating, awkward and difficult.

 

I'm glad to hear that you two are doing better, though. It makes me so disheartened to know that people like the guy who raped her are out there having no consequences to their actions. There needs to be more support for rape victims so that they can speak up and ask for help when they need it.

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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