boyfriend upset about me meeting my male friend of 9 years

[olz]

Hi, this is my first time on the forum. My boyfriend and I have had a rough 2 years. We dated for nearly 10 months, and in that time we both made mistakes. After 6 months of dating other people, we decided to put the past behind us. All good in theory, but as you can imagine, the issues keep coming up. If you would like me to go into more detail about this, I could, but to do that would be against what we’re trying to achieve. I have a male friend from highschool that I meet up with every 1-2 years. We did go out once, for a couple of weeks, after highschool finished at the end of 2002. We kissed, didn’t have sex. Every time we’ve met up, it’s been purely platonic, although I often felt the conversation was lacking any true sense of openness. I’ve always wanted to gain closure with this particular person. Last Wednesday me and my boyfriend broke up in a fight, and my friend happened to text me on that day and ask if I wanted to meet up, and I agreed. I would not say that I did it out of anger, more out of a need to keep my own identity, as my boyfriend is one of the only people in my life. Me and my boyfriend got back together the next day. I have cancelled so many times on this friend from high school – one of which times was when I was with this same boyfriend, over a year ago. I had always regretted doing this, just to avoid hurting his feelings. Especially after he had been trying to hook up with girls on the internet, seeing his ex behind my back several times and on the same day, and stealing my dog twice and telling the police it was his dog, and pounding on my windows to get me to listen, and lying to me, frightening me so much that I ended up in hospital twice. I said I wouldn't say it, and I truly do think that it needs to be left behind, because he hasn't done anything like that since, apart from lying a little here and there - but nothing as serious. But just in case you thought it was something else. This time around, I am aware of his feelings, I tend to always feel a lot of guilt and be very caring of others. To him, if I truly cared about his feelings, I would just cancel on this person. To me, this situation is worth the amount of stress that our relationship is going through, because if I didn’t, it would be to go against something I feel I must do. I have no bad intentions, however my boyfriend insists that other guys cannot be trusted, as in the past a lot of my male friends have eventually cracked onto me sooner or later. A couple of my male friends have not, but this doesn’t assure him much. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, but I think we’ve been through a lot and are very fragile at the moment. I am also beginning to learn that I should not sacrifice so much of myself for another person, because then I become unhealthy. Trust should be present in the relationship, and I feel that a positive outcome with this experience might mend it a little. How do I talk to him, without him breaking up with me or being very hurt, or taking out his revenge by doing something similar? What should I do? Am I missing something? I have already offered for him to come along, or drop me off and pick me up, and have asked if having a lunchtime meet-up is better than a dinner, but he says that he doesn't know if that will make a difference or not.

 

I can provide more information if anyone needs.

 

Thank you so much for reading.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your post is a bit confusing and all over the map...but this stood out:

although I often felt the conversation was lacking any true sense of openness

.

 

What exactly did you mean by this...as well as the '"closure" comment? Do you have unspoken feelings for this guy friend of 9 years? Does he have unspoken feelings for you? Do you two flirt..are there little undercurrents between the two of you. If your relationship is truly platonic with absolutely no interest then there is nothing wrong with the two of you seeing each other. However, if there are undercurrents of unspoken interest and there is "electricity" when you are together, then seeing each other is not appropriate when you have a boyfriend.

 

Especially after he had been trying to hook up with girls on the internet, seeing his ex behind my back several times and on the same day, and stealing my dog twice and telling the police it was his dog, and pounding on my windows to get me to listen, and lying to me, frightening me so much that I ended up in hospital twice. I said I wouldn't say it, and I truly do think that it needs to be left behind, because he hasn't done anything like that since, apart from lying a little here and there -

 

Your current boyfriend does not exactly sound like a prize. The fact that he even did those things would give me pause for thought.

[savignon]

If you are learning that by not sacrificing yourself for another person, you can function in a healthy way, then you should consider whether or not you're able to communicate safely with your boyfriend and have friends outside of your relationship. I agree with the above poster that it's hard to tell if you have feelings for this other guy or not (if so, it's not appropriate to hang out with him). If there's no trust and you're still working on past issues as well as having to report to him or get his permission to go out, then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and nobody can function in a healthy way in an unhealthy situation.

[olz]

Your post is a bit confusing and all over the map...but this stood out: .

 

What exactly did you mean by this...as well as the '"closure" comment? Do you have unspoken feelings for this guy friend of 9 years? Does he have unspoken feelings for you? Do you two flirt..are there little undercurrents between the two of you. If your relationship is truly platonic with absolutely no interest then there is nothing wrong with the two of you seeing each other. However, if there are undercurrents of unspoken interest and there is "electricity" when you are together, then seeing each other is not appropriate when you have a boyfriend.

 

Your current boyfriend does not exactly sound like a prize. The fact that he even did those things would give me pause for thought.

 

Thank you. There have been no feelings between me and my friend since 2002. Each time we caught up (every 1-2 years), we just talked about current things and what we were planning to study and our beliefs about this and that. We have never ever talked about the short time we went out. I guess I always wondered why he bothered to catch up with me every once in a while, but I was happy just to have an old friend to go back to, to judge my current situation from where I've come from - because there aren't many constants in my life. It's nice to know that no matter what happens, there are still people who care about you, and who aren't just going to leave and forget about you. Although I suppose everyone does eventually. I referred to closure because I always wanted to say sorry to him for the past, when I broke his heart. But I guess it never came up in conversation, or maybe it's all forgiven - but I want to make sure. I want to have honest relationships in my life. But there is absolutely no chemistry when we meet up, and we do not flirt. I can't say his reasons, he claims that it's nice to catch up with long time friends, and I like to have a long time friend as well.

 

He wasn't acting like a prize, the first time we went out. But after 6 months of dating other people, we were still in love with each other, and so I gave it another chance. Since august he hasn't done anything like that, he's been dedicated to making this work and we still have our problems and I guess I'm still trying to figure out whether he's true to his word or not - which is probably the reason it came out sounding so bad. Or maybe it's that I haven't told too many people, because I was embarrased at the time, and need to have people agree that it was messed up. I probably also felt I had to say it all, to give people the full story, in case I'm missing something.

 

Still needing help. Wanting to mend my current relationship whilst still keeping my identity and making my own decisions. Trying to understand his feelings too. I always feel more guilt than I should, wondering if I should be feeling it or not.

[olz]

If you are learning that by not sacrificing yourself for another person, you can function in a healthy way, then you should consider whether or not you're able to communicate safely with your boyfriend and have friends outside of your relationship. I agree with the above poster that it's hard to tell if you have feelings for this other guy or not (if so, it's not appropriate to hang out with him). If there's no trust and you're still working on past issues as well as having to report to him or get his permission to go out, then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and nobody can function in a healthy way in an unhealthy situation.

 

That's the thing. I guess I didn't explain in detail because I don't really know myself. Saying that sounds ludicrous, I guess. But in reality, we have both had many girlfriends and boyfriends in between and we have never talked about us as a couple. From all the times we've met up, I've been convinced that he doesn't have feelings for me, and neither do I for him. There's no flirtiness, or chemistry, and we have never lied about being with other people. Very rarely it'll pop into my mind how different my life might have been if I ended up with my friend long term, because of all the speculating I did in highschool. But matching it against reality, it's easy to see that if it was going to happen, I would've had to have been a different person from the start, with different directions and paths in life. I don't think it's so weird to consider how your life may have been, but I can see how it's not very conducive to happiness. I admit these times I've considered it was when I was very unhappy. I guess I'm so up and down all the time from happy to very low with my relationships that these moments are inevitable. I just reason with myself that it's the actions that count. Many things go through your mind but what defines a person is what they actually do. I know these things are never straight forward so I'm open to admitting I'm wrong in favour of something that will work better. I love my boyfriend, and we do have a lot of issues, but it's not so easy to let go of something when it's tied into everything else in the past (such as regretting not seeing my friend, and the fact that if my boyfriend was no longer in my life, the friends that I might've kept if I weren't with him - are people that I treated poorly as friends).

 

And I agree it's an unhealthy relationship, but making it a healthy relationship is something I'm not ready to give up on yet I guess.

[Rabican]

Id say if you have feelings for the guy then its doing a disservice to your relationship with your bf to go and visit him.

 

If things are truly plutonic between you, and neither of you has feelings for the other then go see him. If your bf is crazy nuts about it... I dunno maybe go anyways and hope you can smooth it over with your bf.

[olz]

Id say if you have feelings for the guy then its doing a disservice to your relationship with your bf to go and visit him.

 

If things are truly plutonic between you, and neither of you has feelings for the other then go see him. If your bf is crazy nuts about it... I dunno maybe go anyways and hope you can smooth it over with your bf.

 

How do I know if my friend has feelings for me? It could all just be in me and my boyfriend's heads! As far as I can tell, there has been no chemistry between us everytime we've met.

 

I love my boyfriend, but refuse to be a doormat. I fear this will always happen if in future I want to see male friends.

 

I'm going with the logic that a good experience is what we need to help build the trust. I'm scared to tell my boyfriend that I'm going. I don't want to cancel on my friend with only 1 hour to go and the amount of times I've cancelled on him in the past. I just feel so trapped and I don't want to face life but someone once told me I need to develop a backbone and I wish it was that easy. Scared and still in two minds.

[olz]

I'm gonna go to dinner. I don't think there's anything to worry about. Will let you know how it goes and whether or not my boyfriend chucks a spaz. Thank you everyone for your kindness and thoughts. xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I see nothing wrong with going since it is strictly platonic and has been for a very long time.

[olz]

So, I went, and everything was fine! It was literally two old friends catching up! It was good talking to him. We didn't talk about anything of the past just as always, but I think it's okay to leave it that way. It made me realise how controlling my relationship currently is. It seems I'm always attracted to the jealous ones. I think by standing my ground in the relationship, I can win back my self-esteem and confidence, all the while showing my boyfriend that I'm my own person. Thanks for your advice, everyone. xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Glad that things went well for you. Yes, stand your ground with your boyfriend, but also make sure you assure him that there is no interest in your friend.

[olz]

Actually everything is not fine. My boyfriend is now deciding whether or not to break up with me, because he said I knew it was a risk and did it anyway regardless of our current instability. But we are always unstable, and so maybe it will be for the better if he does break up with me. I was so scared before but now I feel more confident that there's a world out there that does accept me, and that makes me happy. I just hope it lasts, because I usually cry a lot when he breaks up with me, and I miss him so much when he's not in my life.

[olz]

Glad that things went well for you. Yes, stand your ground with your boyfriend, but also make sure you assure him that there is no interest in your friend.

 

Thank you. I guess he doesn't care whether or not I have an interest in my friend, more that I did something that made him uncomfortable. This is an ongoing issue for him. Often I feel like he's commanding me or controlling me, it's hard to tell whether it's because he cares for me or not.

[savignon]

It doesn't seem like you're very happy with this guy the way things are. Why is he the one who gets to decide if you break up or not?? If you're not happy and don't want to report to him and always be defending yourself as well as trying to forget the past....let him know it's over! You know you can go out and laugh and enjoy life without all the drama...take some more steps in that direction and if your boyfriend can't join you---adios!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It doesn't seem like you're very happy with this guy the way things are. Why is he the one who gets to decide if you break up or not?? If you're not happy and don't want to report to him and always be defending yourself as well as trying to forget the past....let him know it's over! You know you can go out and laugh and enjoy life without all the drama...take some more steps in that direction and if your boyfriend can't join you---adios!!

 

I agree with this. If you are walking on eggshells around your boyfriend then maybe it is time to lay down some boundaries with him...and if he can't deal with it then leave.

[olz]

It doesn't seem like you're very happy with this guy the way things are. Why is he the one who gets to decide if you break up or not?? If you're not happy and don't want to report to him and always be defending yourself as well as trying to forget the past....let him know it's over! You know you can go out and laugh and enjoy life without all the drama...take some more steps in that direction and if your boyfriend can't join you---adios!!

 

Yes, things are not going very well at all. But even after 6 months of not seeing him I still missed him and ended up getting back with him. I think we're addicted to each other. We've wanted to make this relationship healthy, so maybe we can help each other. I'll keep putting my foot down, and try to assure him that it's not rejection, as he perceives it to be. That is the only thing holding me back from breaking up with him first. I guess I'll have to be prepared though, if he comes over and breaks up with me.

[olz]

I agree with this. If you are walking on eggshells around your boyfriend then maybe it is time to lay down some boundaries with him...and if he can't deal with it then leave.

 

Will do. Thanks for your help.

[Rabican]

I said if YOU have feelings for the guy, then its doing a dis service to your relationship. You cannot commit, or make a relationship work better by bringing in a potential other man. Im not saying thats what you are doing, just saying that IF you had feelings for him.. maybe its best not to go hang out with him. Or IF said 'friend' has told you that he has feelings for you, then again... its best not to hang out with him. Thats kind of like keeping the fox out of the henhouse.

[olz]

I said if YOU have feelings for the guy, then its doing a dis service to your relationship. You cannot commit, or make a relationship work better by bringing in a potential other man. Im not saying thats what you are doing, just saying that IF you had feelings for him.. maybe its best not to go hang out with him. Or IF said 'friend' has told you that he has feelings for you, then again... its best not to hang out with him. Thats kind of like keeping the fox out of the henhouse.

 

Yeah...I agree that it's not a good thing for any relationship to bring in a potential...

 

It's always hard to tell whether or not a guy has feelings for you...in my opinion...

 

Even if you ask him straight out...I've been suprised many times by male friends admitting their feelings...even when they went out of their way to hide them due to either shyness or uncertainty (of their feelings) or if I was taken...

 

Is it, then, that you should keep ALL foxes out of the henhouse? My friend has a lot of female friends that he keeps in touch with, I'm one of them, and wouldn't stay with a girl that was jealous of that...

 

Maybe it's easier for guys to have female friends, than it is for females to have male friends? Because we all know...men are so sneaky sometimes...

 

I have probably had more guy friends than girl friends over the years....and maybe 1/5 have never tried anything with me or cracked onto me...

 

That's 4 long-term male friends that I don't regret...but so many of the others were just a pain in the bum...especially if I was already in a relationship...

 

To me...it's better if the boyfriend and girlfriend can make friends with each others' friends....but then each individual has to have their own friends as well....and it's hard to match up your friends' and partner's interests....

 

I wish I got along with girls more...I do like the sense of sisterhood...but it's hard to find good girl friends...for some reason it's just easier for me to be friends with guys...

 

I don't want to have to give up on the male friends that have been there for me for so many years through so many hard times and have been so good to me as a friend...just for a boyfriend who could leave my life any second...

 

Sigh...I'm sure it'll get easier with time and experience....I guess it's about weeding out the guys who seem to be getting attached to you...and limiting the amount of time you spend talking to/ seeing friends of the opposite sex...it's always hard, though, to not have inside jokes...or to appreciate the conversations you have with your male friends that you can't have with your partner...for e.g. talking about uni, life in general, getting a different point of view, having more than one person looking out for your best interests, talking to someone who knew you for a part of your life, like another home or reference point...know what I mean?

 

Maybe I'm a little too hopeful. But this time round was ok. And I guess if you become friends with another person and it turns into something else then maybe it was meant to be? If you shut everyone out you might be stuck with someone you've grown apart from and be alienated from anyone else in your life... If you shut everyone out it's like saying that the outside world could be a risk to your relationship...but if you're with the one you're meant to be with...then I don't see how anything could threaten that....

 

I know I'm just repeating what you've said but I had to dump some more of my brain on this page!! xox

[Rabican]

Men arent sneaky. Just so you know 99% of your guy friends want you. the other 1% is gay. Of those 99% its just a matter of which ones will actually move on it or not.

[Rabican]

Oh as for the henhouse comment... I think that really just pertains to friendships that are not plutonic.

 

If the friendship guy/girl is strictly friends ie the same way you would treat a brother/sister then theres nothing wrong with having friend of the opposite sex. however if that friendship crosses into the realm of one party or the other expressing feelings, sexual desires, flirting etc. thats when its the 'fox and the henhouse' scenario.

[orangesoda]

I agree with Rabican.

 

If 4/5 of your guy 'friends' are causing problems for your relationships, then maybe the BF is not the problem. Or even if he is, maybe he's not the ONLY problem.