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need help with anger/forgiveness......any books, links, ideas?

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man it's been tough for me...that last letter my ex wrote to me has just lit a fusebox of anger and hurt inside (in it she said she never really loved me or was attracted to me)...the link is here http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=273999


my moods go up lately and I'm feeling OK and 'on my way to healing' and then down...some days I get emotionally/mentally lazy and I'll forget about all the things I'm doing right such as: CBT, reading self help books, doing mindfulness meditation, yoga, working out, not having had a drink in 5 months now (we drank too much wine together), trying to meet new people seeing my therapist again even, and then the worst thing happens when your guard is down: RUMINATION begins anew and I'm off and running along THAT terrible track to hell.


yeah I'm doing lots to counter my healing: all helping in a synergistic sense but there is still ALOT of anger and sadness inside, too....


I mean I so have been (dreadfully) close to writing her a most hurtful letter that would just make one blush in its damage ie, among other things, ''now I know why her ex hubby of 15 yrs had an affair on her and split'' and that ''I also of course wish to never hear from her again''....but I know that if I were to send such that I'd be also really hurting myself equally as much because I don't wish to cause her pain, and when I search my heart of hearts that I DO wish for her to be happy as I DO care for her...but of course in the meantime I am filled with the mixed cocktail of envy, sadness, longing and anger/rage.


My therapist thinks her letter had some loving undertones actually in that it was more or less truthful and offered me some closure (yeah I know that many people on here and elsewhere have condemned her for it) as he thinks that true love is also confronting someone with the truth...I don't believe fully in that she never truly loved or was not attracted to me (even when lonely that will not last for 2 yrs...or will it? plus she was forever jumping my bones and told me i was her best lover) but it hurts, too.....so I am thinking of getting some anger management books and taking a course or such...I know alot of inner themes are inside and past related that she has triggered, too, of course (betrayal, abandonment).


So if any of you have been in this boat before what saved both your soul (so you didn't go overboard) and also your sanity...


Funny but one exercise from forgiveness meditation that does help (when I remember it) talks about putting yourself in HER shoes and remembering she is a human with needs/limitations, too: and the loneliness/hurt she must have felt, too...ie towards the end I wasn't into her sexuallyat all; so she must have felt rejected in that manner..i mean i felt we could have talked/worked things through but c'est le vie, man....it's always a two way street when people break and no one (if they're decent) leaves unscathed.


Rage/anger are such potentially harmful and irreparably hurtful emotions that can really break things for good....


I'm exhausted right now.

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A fantastic book on abandonment is "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It's about surviving through and recovering from the five stages that accompany the loss of love.



This book has helped me greatly. My ex left me for another woman the day our daughter was born (no lie) so trust me when I say this book has really helped me.

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I don't really have any advice as such other than to say your feelings are probably valid and natural. As long as you are not still here in 6 months writing the same thing, maybe just accept the feeling and let it pass through you.


Also, people say lots of things. Just as if you were to write to her right now, your letter would be full of anger and hurt. But it wouldn't necessarily be what you actually think deep down. Her letter may or may not be what she actually thinks. Given there is a small chance that it isn't, why beat yourself up over it and get angry? Just accept that at the time, thats what she wrote. But that it needn't be a true reflection of what she thinks of you, and definitely needn't be a true reflection of what you think of yourself. People hurt, and say all sorts.

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thanks sparkie...intuitively I feel she didn't mean what she said but is covering up some hurt to move on/push me away...man she was so sexually turned on to me, said I was her best lover (but I wasn't as turned on to her, so that must have hurt her...I wanted to work through it via communication but working through things via talking about emotions/problems is not her strong point....so sad...(sigh!)


heck i even have a good book 'dare to forgive' i was lauding on here a while back..maybe I should 'walk the walk' and read the damned thing and DO the exercises...but maybe this is a stumble back that is just temporary...but * * * * does anger just grow like a strong bushfire...it spreads all over before you know it...a most potent emotion...

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Yeah, I get a bit angry at times - just self pity stuff rather than wanting to smash someone's face in


I guess anger is just another emotion that stems from hurt. She hurt you with what she said. So you can accept what she said is true and feel 5h!t about it, or accept what she said and stand up for yourself and get angry about it. Either way, both come from the fact she hurt you.


Maybe just feel the hurt, understand her possible reasons for saying/doing it, and turn the hurt into something else other than anger. Like forgiveness or something. Forgive yourself for hurting her, and forgive her for saying what she did whilst she was hurting herself. Just accept that break ups hurt, and that hurt comes out in all sorts of ways. Today its anger!

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Try working out (if you don't do so already) and hanging out with the boys for massive alcohol consumption. Those are what I find helps me the most. Theres nothing I hate more than sitting home alone with my thoughts cranking away since my breakup. If your looking for something to read try "Your best life now" by Joel Osteen. The book is based on religion, the author is a pastor, but even if your not very religious (which I'm not) it is still helpful. It covers exactly what your looking for: managing anger (and many other emotions/feelings), forgiving those who have wronged you. It also frequently covers dealing wth personal tragedies, and breakup and divorce is the one that it covers the most. Its an easy read, and is religious without being too preachy. I don't agree with everything he says, but the message that stuck out the most to me when I read it was when he says to stop dwelling on why a relationship failed and move on, basically saying be progressive and not regressive. Hope this helps. Also don't send her any nasty letters, chances are she and her friends will laugh at you as they are reading it. Stick with no contact! Its the only way to go.

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