Little hope of getting back together, Can we still be friends?

[WhatSetsUs]

Hi ENA,

 

I'm back again in search of some advice.

 

I've posted on this thread over the past month and it really chronicles all the sruggles I've had:

 

Hopefully you'll look at that too. Last time I posted, my ex and I (after three weeks of mainly no contact) had hung out at a bar, had a great night and eneded up sleeping at her place. We didn't hook up in any way, we just cuddled the whole night and slept. That night and afternoon with her was great. We really hit it off and had a lot of fun. I had missed so much what it was like to be with her and hang out with her. I missed her company and being with her really reignited all my feelings. She admitted that she too had missed me and missed hanging out with me. She genuinely enjoyed speding the night with me and just being together. But she told me that her feelings and my feelings were very different and that the reason she stopped talking to me was because she didn't want to lead me on.

 

Anyway, this past monday, I hung out with her again. We went for a walk and talked about a lot of things. She told me that she was planning to transfer back to our home state to finish off school. I was devastated and completely sad. It felt like she was walking about of my life for good. She had been feeling pretty depressed here, feeling like she had no friends and feeling like her time here was simply coming to an end. She said that this was in her best interest. And I guess I have to be happy for her if this is what she needs...

 

The subject of our relationship came up. She said that she missed hanging out with me and that she truly did love our relationship, and that we did have so many good times. I told her that when we are together we always have a good time and she agreed with me. This weekend reaffirmed all that.

 

We talked about an email I sent her the week before. I had admitted I wasnt over her, still in love with her, and would do anything to get her back and make it work. She appreciated what i said and she forgave me for the things I did to her, but she could not forget the pain I caused her. She still thought I wasn't the right one for her because of how I treated her. I tried to explain to her that she never made it apparent that I was hurting her and that I never meant it to be so harmful. It was simply my way of joking around with her, but she couldn't understand that.

 

She kept saying that I would one day move on, maybe once I got a new girlfriend. I hated hearing that.. I told her that I could only look at her as a girlfriend and nothing less. She even told me that she would stop talking to me permenantly if it would make me move on. But I know neither her nor I want that.

 

She still wanted to be friends with me. And as we walked back to our dorms, I thought about it and I told her that I would want to have a friendship with her. I did feel a little closure with the whole situation because she made it apparent that there was no chance we would be getting back together any time soon (if at all). No matter how bad it hurts, I couldn't picture my life witout her in it in some fashion. I mean we were friends for many years before we were together and we know each other better than anyone else we know. And I feel like no talking to her does me know good, it just keeps me wondering about what she's doing, and when we do hang out we always have a great time together.

 

The rest of the week we talked through AIM and text messages, nothing serious just friendly conversations. Yesterday we rode home with a friend for spring break. The trip was great and it made me realize how much chemistry me and my ex still have. Just the way we look at each other, and joke with each other, you can tell there is still a lot between us. Even this morning I woke up to a text from her saying she had a dream about me. We talked through texts for about an hour, just joking with each other about things.

 

So here's where I need advice.

 

I've given up a lot of hope of ever getting her back. I know that she has a lot going on in her own life and she feels like right now she needs to be really independent and do her own things. I can't be mad at her and I always will wish her the best. And maybe the current circumstances are the best for me, I mean with her leaving next semester I wont see her ever and I will truly be able to move on. But for now we will still see each other and be in contact. But how can I be her friend? Is this the right course of action to take? I still have very strong feelings for her and would give up a lot to get her back. I know she knows this and I just don't want anything to happen where I would end up hurt. I like being able to talk to her even if its just a little bit each day. And when we hang out we always really "click" because of the chemistry and attraction we still have for each other.

 

So to be friends or not? I love her a lot and part of me feels like if anything were to happen again between me and my ex it would only happen if we start back at friends.

 

Do you think being her friend will benefit me in anyway?

 

I'm just curious if anyone has become friends with an ex and had it lead to anything more in the future.

 

Thanks everyone.

[volpe]

You can't be her friend with hopes of getting back together- only if you give up hope entirely, which you haven't. She has been really clear that she is not going to be in a relationship with you. I would suggest you take time for yourself and work on improving yourself and maintain NC, until you are able to just be her friend again. Who knows, maybe down the line, years from now you might get back together... but it is not gonna happen anytime soon, she has been clear about that... so best for you is to move on and forward, and take whatever you can to learn from the situation. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

[WhatSetsUs]

You can't be her friend with hopes of getting back together- only if you give up hope entirely, which you haven't. She has been really clear that she is not going to be in a relationship with you. I would suggest you take time for yourself and work on improving yourself and maintain NC, until you are able to just be her friend again. Who knows, maybe down the line, years from now you might get back together... but it is not gonna happen anytime soon, she has been clear about that... so best for you is to move on and forward, and take whatever you can to learn from the situation. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

 

I don't have many hopes of getting her back at all. I used to really be hopeful but after all that stuff happened and after she was very honest about how she was feeling, I know that I can't hope for anything. But I figure I've known her for like 5 years, and we have been really close for the past two years. She's going to be going to completely different school now and I wont ever see her. Until then I don't see why I should just totally ignore her. Plus at this point I'm way past going full NC...

 

This weekend she went away to party at her best friend's school and guess who texted me wishing I was with her... We were sending each other really flirty text messages and she came out and said that she wished I was with her. I know regardless of how much she is trying to move on with her own life she still has a lot of feelings for me. Doesn't mean she wants me back, this I know, but it still feels good to know that even when I'm not around she's always thinking about me.

 

So I think I want to stay "friends" with her and keep in contact. IF ANYTHING were to come along between us, as in more than friends, it would definitely have to start with a friendship. And if nothing happens by the time next semester comes around, then we will naturally drift apart. I wont be that hard, I mean she'll be hundreds of miles away.

[wishingonastar]

A lot of people say they things they don't mean.....she could have said that but she obviously still has feelings for you or she wouldn't talk to you. I think it's a good idea to remain friends and show her you are sincere. You can't just jump right into a relationship after a break-up. You have to take it slow and rebuild some of the connection so that it feels good again.

[stickman]

Being a friend is just that....being ONLY a friend. Sounds like it won't be enough for you. Trust me, you will only torture yourself and NOT heal.

Keeping in touch with an ex may end up in reconciliation ONLY when both parties still harbor deep feelings for each other. Even in that case, there should be an initial period of NC (weeks to months depending on the length of the relationship and the gravity of the problems) after the break up to allow the dust to settle and true feelings to come out.

[WhatSetsUs]

Being a friend is just that....being ONLY a friend. Sounds like it won't be enough for you. Trust me, you will only torture yourself and NOT heal.

Keeping in touch with an ex may end up in reconciliation ONLY when both parties still harbor deep feelings for each other. Even in that case, there should be an initial period of NC (weeks to months depending on the length of the relationship and the gravity of the problems) after the break up to allow the dust to settle and true feelings to come out.

 

I would definitely prefer to be with her than to simply be a friend, but I know that it wont happen anytime soon, if ever. I'm still hurting but I'm definitely getting better with time, even while still in contact with her. I will admit that for everytime I talk to her, I start missing her really bad and all that stuff, which isnt exactly the greatest feeling in the world.

 

We've been broken up about 3 and a half months and we did have some periods of NC, but they only lasted a couple weeks. Not enough time I think to really move past anything... But from the way she acts, I know that she still has a lot of feelings for me. And when we come in contact, a lot of those feelings seem to come out, especially from her. I think that maybe if I just engage her when she initiates things that I'll be ok. If she wants to talk to me, I'll engage her. I feel like I can't really go wrong if she's the one who puts in all the work. Thats pretty much what I've been doing since the breakup happened.

 

Is this the best way to handle things?

[Fionnuala]

It's up to you whether you think you can handle being her "friend." Just be careful of being a security blanket for her. It's said all the time, and I think it's true, she's never going to really miss you or truly appreciate what it means to not have you in her life if she can have you when she wants you then not talk to you when she doesn't feel like it? I think you can be her friend at some point, but it seems to me it would be better to go NC for a while so that you can heal a lot more before trying to go this direction with her.

[WhatSetsUs]

It's up to you whether you think you can handle being her "friend." Just be careful of being a security blanket for her. It's said all the time, and I think it's true, she's never going to really miss you or truly appreciate what it means to not have you in her life if she can have you when she wants you then not talk to you when she doesn't feel like it? I think you can be her friend at some point, but it seems to me it would be better to go NC for a while so that you can heal a lot more before trying to go this direction with her.

 

The fear of being her "security blanket" is there. I know that the time apart (in NC) from her had a pretty significant impact on her cause when we finally did hang out that night she kept saying how much she missed me and how much she enjoyed spending time with me again. I am running the risk of letting her have her cake and eat it too, but the reason why she broke off previous reconciliations was because she felt bad for leading me on. So maybe if anything were to happen at this point, it would be because she wants it? I dont really know.

 

I'm really just afraid that if I completely let go of her now that I will have missed an opportunity to form a decent relationship with her before she goes away to school back home. By relationship I dont just mean being a couple but also a friendship. If I cut her off now then she would go away and it would truly be said and done. At least while I can still have the opportunity to see her and that we still have a connection, I feel like I should make the best of it and see where things go. I feel like I am at a stage where I know that we arent going to get back together, and though it hurts I know I have to deal with it. I also know that by next fall semester, we will be in two completely different places and it means that we will drift even further and further apart. The worst case scenario would be that nothing ever happens between us and we just naturally drift apart. At least by then I should be completely healed.

 

Plus I like the feeling of knowing that she still is really into me and by staying in contact with her it is pretty apparent that this is true. By being in contact with her I could possibly explore this route. I feel like its almost inevitable that we will end up playing around with one another and possibly hooking up. Unhealthy? Very much so. I'm probably putting myself in a position to get all wrapped up in her again just to get shut down. Or maybe it could mean that she rushed her decision to end things between us and is regretting it, trying to let me know that she still has feelings for me. Who knows?

 

I probably wont do any of that stuff, I'm kind of just ranting on about it. But she sure does give me some questionable signs that would really lead me to believe that she still wants and misses me. I'm just gonna let time do its thing and not force anything. I've already done enough forcing and trying, and now its time to just sit back knowing things will work out the way theyre supposed to. I could use some help in understanding why she is still so flirty and makes it apparent that she is still into me?