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is it about race?


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so this is something that's bothering me.


I've never understood what's it's like to be oppressed, as i'm a white straight male. i don't have to hide my sexuality or my skin color, i don't get looked at weird or asked crazy questions, and i don't have to be afraid of kissing my partner in certain areas. i've always thought that i have a responsibility to recognize that and not become ignorant of other people, and realize that social constructions of race are hard for people of color and LGTBQ identity...


but something has gotten to me, and now all i can think about is race.


My ex was mixed race, and all through the relationship she talked about her identity confusion of looking white and being Hispanic. she had a love for other cultures, which i thought was amazing.


but she'd always ask me, do you have a thing for races, and i'd say no, but i like your ethnicity. Well, i never figured out why she'd ask that. she'd constantly talk about how she had a 'thing" for korean guys or a thing for black guys, and i was like, alright.


Well, near the end of the realtionship she started hanging out with some people that had a tight nit group of cultural backgrounds, and all she talked about was how she had a connection there. she said things like, racial groups just understand one another. one time she said that out of her group, one of her friends had the sexiest black boyfriend, and then she said she had the sexiest white boyfriend.


she use to feel upset when people in her class would get together just because of race, and now its the same deal.


now she dumped me and is going out with a dude from south korea, and i can't help it, but all i can think about now is race. i know that's not the reason why we broke up, but it still makes me think. What's wrong with me?


i feel like i have no clue why she'd all of a sudden attach to people just because the color of their skin and their cultural background. is she trying to find acceptance?


am i just an ignorant white guy???

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Well....I am an African American woman and i can tell you that I naturally gravitate towards people who share my cultural identity. Of course, I cannot say for certain what is going on with your ex. But I can say that underrepresented groups (minority groups) tend to feel a sense of comfort with one another. That is not to say that I do not have friends who are not African American or that I am not attracted to men of other races, because I am. it is just a feeling of being around people who you feel can relate to you culturally in a different way.


As you admitted in your post, you do not know what it is like to be a person of color in America. That is not a bad thing just like being a person of color in America is not a bad thing. It is just the way it is.


Do not let it get to you. If you treated her well and you were in a healthy and loving relationship, then it is her loss. It is very refreshing that you are so aware and considerate of groups of people that differ from yourself.


Keep your open mind and do not worry about it. We need more people like you in the world!

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At the risk of being 'bashed'


I'm an Asian male and currently exclusively dated Caucasian women. I'm not saying that I would only ever date a specific race, but over the 3 decades of my life, I've only been attracted to those I've dated, which is currently Caucasian. I have found some Asian women to be very attractive, but they were all model/stars of some sort so mostly made of makeup/brush-ups.


I just think it's something that attracts you to someone in the first place. It's the same as you catching something in her 'eyes', smile, breasts, legs, butt, etc...I can't explain it, it's just an attraction factor...doubt this helped you at all...


There's nothing wrong with you! Sometimes attraction overpowers reason...

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Hi hippie,


I don't think you did anything wrong. You sound like a very nice, thinking young man, and it's your ex girlfriend's fault for not seeing that.


It seems to me like your ex is becoming a little bit fixated on race. As a gay person, I understand where she is coming from in terms of having to figure out her identity in relation to the majority. But to dump a boyfriend over it (as seems to have happened) is strange and doesn't make a lot of sense. One should be able to be friends with any racial group.


It irritates me when people say "you can't understand what I'm going through" to somebody who is trying to understand. It's a true statement, but only to an extent. When people say things like that it helps to erect barriers between different racial groups and cultures, especially between sensitive people that truly WANT to understand what other types of people's experiences are. No one can truly understand what another person's experiences are, but we can get a pretty good idea from talking to them and by thinking about them. When somebody says, "you can't understand" what they are essentially saying is that your efforts to try and understand are not appreciated. To me it is a very teenagerish thing to say and not a sign of maturity.


What I'm seeing from you is a level of understanding that is unusual among white straight males, and even more unusually, a desire to want to understand what the minority experience is like. To me that indicates a lot of maturity and a sympathetic person, which is very attractive to most people. It's a pity for your ex that she wasn't able to see that.


P.S. Of course, it's possible that she is just isn't attracted to white people, which is okay, although I would find it weird that she went out with you for awhile if that's the case.

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