patrician Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I have posted once before, but short version: together for more than a year, ex goes on study abroad in a third world country, gets very sick, ends up in sub-par hospital for more than a month, is depressed upon return, tells me she needs space and wants to break up. Since the breakup, it has been almost two months, I have had strict no contact with her. When she broke up with me, she said she wanted me to move on but she wanted to remain friends. I have had one other breakup in my life, she hasn't had one, and I told her I was not sure if I could ever be her friend, certainly not now. I said if she really wanted me not to wait for her, then she had to not talk to me, and leave me alone. I am still at college, so I see the ex around a few times a week, and we said 'hi' and thats it. I figured that she didn't want to talk to me at all, that this was it, it was over and I started to move on. I started dating, hanging out with other girls, but a piece of me still missed my ex a lot. Not being in a relationship, but her in my life. One new person in particular, Allison, I have been hanging out with a lot. She is great on paper, has the same interests as me, very attractive, fun to be around, very smart, and we seem to get along. I know that she wants to start dating. But I told her I am not over my ex. My ex is not seeing and (I believe, though do not know) has not hooked up with anyone since our breakup. I have made out with two girls (Allison a few times, and one other), but have not had sex because I have not really felt like it (and Allison is a virgin, at 22, because she has been "saving it for the right guy" and I don't want a stage 5 clinger when I'm not in love with her). Anyway, last Sunday I was hanging out with Allison when I got hungry, and we went to grab some food from a small cafeteria. My ex showed up, and was in line behind us, though I did not notice until after getting my food and turning around. She said 'hi,' I did too and left with Allison. This is what I had grown accustomed to when I saw her, though I don't think my ex had ever seen me with Allison before. Now, it has been more than a month and a half of no contact, no texts, no emails, no facebook, no anything with her or her friends and I (and my friends with her). But twenty minutes after that encounter, she sends me a facebook message saying: ----------- i know you probably weren't expecting to hear from me... and maybe you don't even want to hear from me... but please please keep reading. last time we actually spoke you asked me to give you space, and i've been trying really hard to respect your wishes. but in all honesty, i'm not so much a fan of gesturing "hello" to you when I see you and I don't like saying 'hi' and walking away. i don't want to ask you for anything that you don't feel ready for. i'm not asking you to be my friend right away. you don't even have to respond to this message. i just wanted you to know that when you feel comfortable and you feel like its ok, i would really like to try to be at the very least superficial acquaintances, if not friends.. all you have to do is tell me when ------------- I sent one back saying, I'm not sure what she's asking for, so I don't know how to respond to her. I don't want to stop saying hi to her, but I don't want to pretend like nothing ever happened between us. Here is my question... I know that I am not willing to drop everything and run back to her, that was part of the problem when she got back from study abroad: she needs space. But, does the fact that she sent this message, which I take to mean either she feels guilty about leaving me, and just wants it not to be awkward, or actually wants me as a part of her life (I think that this is more accurate, but I may be wrong), mean that if I call and ask her to go to coffee, or something small, and slowly see if spending extremely small doses of time together with lots of space in between, I might still have a chance? Does the fact that she has not moved on with anyone else mean anything? I heard from a mutual friend, who brought it up to me without my prompting, that she has been in a funk since she got back from study abroad and seemed slightly depressed. Does it have any bearing on the fact that when she broke up with me, she said it was about the trip, and re-entry issues, and not about me? I confronted her pretty hard and was pretty angry because she stopped holding my hand and making out, let alone having sex with me beyond the first few days I saw her since she got back. And I told her I couldn't have a relationship like that. I know that if I have a chance with her, I want to see if it might still work out. Or I want to see if I even still have a chance with her. And I'm not sure how to do that. Am I crazy? What do I do? THANKS FOR THE HELP! Link to comment
DN Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Am I crazy? What do I do? Develop the relationship with Allison. Link to comment
SayWhen Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Take the fact that she only contacted you after seeing you with another woman as a hint. She's jealous and may be trying to "reclaim her territory." Ignore her. She initiated the break-up, and she wanted the space...don't let her manipulate you now. I agree with DN---develop the relationship with Allison. Link to comment
patrician Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 i understand what you guys are saying... and i wish that i could. but i really loved my ex, and our personalities just clicked in a way i havent with anyone. and i feel like i dont get that from allison. am i reading too much into the note thinking that my ex has been wanting to talk to me for awhile, but seeing me with someone else finally broke her down? Link to comment
nem69 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Know how you feel but you have to expect to work on your new relationship it wont be like your previous. I also know it's hard to forget that person you really love. But you have to at least try (says me who has yet to even find someone else) Link to comment
patrician Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 i guess i feel like no one has been able to answer my main question.. because maybe there is no answer. but... lets suppose i dont want allison. i want my ex. which is how i feel. do i have a chance to get her back? Link to comment
patrician Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 new information... tonight at a bar, her drunk friend decided to tell me that: a) she is staying in this weekend because of a paper due in three weeks, after spring break (so really she just isnt feeling like going out) b) she heard about my 'dissapointing' response to my ex what does that mean? Link to comment
DN Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Why didn't you ask her friend what she meant by disappointing? If your ex ever wants you back it's her job to say so. Unless and until he does - assume she doesn't and move on. You say "our personalities clicked' but by definition, they didn't because she broke up with you. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 i understand what you guys are saying... and i wish that i could. but i really loved my ex, and our personalities just clicked in a way i havent with anyone. and i feel like i dont get that from allison. am i reading too much into the note thinking that my ex has been wanting to talk to me for awhile, but seeing me with someone else finally broke her down? Yes, I think you are reading too much into this. I agree she got a little jealous and wanted to see if you would run back to her. Your response was measured and told her that you are in control. Don't lose that control - keep your distance. Link to comment
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