NJRon Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 any suggestions on how i can keep myself calm and not get so caught up in the hurt, anger and fear? do i need anger management or something? I think that one purpose of your therapy is to help you in this regard, no? Anger management is helpful, as it is learning to manage an emotion... which, ultimately, that seems to be what you are trying to do.. manage emotions in general... not just anger. Learning to take emotions that you are turning inward and, instead of turning them outward toward other targets, stopping the cycle and recognizing it for what it is will help in all of your interactions. Simple exercises in the meantime as the breathing exercise that DN pointed out are beneficial while you are working on dealing with core issues. You are a very intelligent person and I know that you realize what is going on after you've had an opportunity to reflect. So, practice on those things that give you the chance to reflect. Practice until it comes naturally. Allow yourself to be loved for who you are. Admitting that you are human, letting go of those things that you feel shame over, forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to be loved will go a long way towards healing your hurts. Best wishes. Link to comment
EQD Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 i'm glad to know that i'm not alone. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 you definitely aren't alone- and you are lucky to be realizing what you do at such a young age. i have a long road ahead of me and i hate that this is who i am... i really do. Link to comment
DN Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 i have a long road ahead of me and i hate that this is who i am... i really do. It isn't who you are at all. It is a behaviour that is the result of abuse in the past. A learned, self-defensive preemptive response to expected behaviour from a partner. And because you know it isn't fair or right - it is not who you are but what you have learned. So the answer is simple. Learn a different response to the stimuli that brings on that response. Note I said simple not easy. But don't let this define you because that would be wrong. Link to comment
Vanishing Girl Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Boy, this all sounds so familiar... from the rasing the red flag for everything down to the getting wrapped up in the emotions so much that I couldn't step away. I have been practicing changing my behavior during an argument to help me from getting wrapped up, but it was something my therapist couldn't help me with. Mostly because his suggestions sounded good, but when i tried them it just didn't work for me. Even now the same thing may not work twice, but i think the fact that I keep trying to see the light helps me each time. Some suggestions for when you're in a fight and you need to cool off....1) write down your feelings...all of them, so you can get it all out in a safe way that won't hurt him or you. 2) Don't even attempt to talk about the subject again until you are both so cooled off that you can talk in an objective and open way. 3)Tell yourself over and over that he loves you and thats why he's walking away. 4) change of scenary- get out and take a walk I feel for you hon and I think with time and practice you will be just fine. As the above poster said don't use this part of you to define who you are. You are not that...and the more you think that defines you the more you are likely to feel shameful and hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself as you are a beautiful person...each of us are...we just have to remove the layers of hurt that hide that beauty from the outside world. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think i'm having the hardest time right now- realizing that i'm the abusive one and thats what is the hardest thing because i KNOW what that does to somebody. I just never thought about how my own behavior would affect someone. i know that sounds stupid.. but i just never realized what all my yelling and temper tantrums have caused. Link to comment
EQD Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 i've been in recovery for some time now. i remember when i threw a standing fan at my ex during an argument.. well.. it was more like i hit it in his direction. But i remember thinking back on it and i knew that i behaved that way because my previous abusive relationship had taught me that that is how i was supposed to act, that its the way i was shown. By my Dad who had an awful temper, and by my ex who was outright emotionally abusive, and darn near physically. More or less we are imprinted with these behaviors and shown that these are 'right' or 'just' That this is the way you are supposed to act or treat one another. The good thing is once you are aware of why and how this happened, its most of the battle. Link to comment
DN Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think i'm having the hardest time right now- realizing that i'm the abusive one and thats what is the hardest thing because i KNOW what that does to somebody. I just never thought about how my own behavior would affect someone. i know that sounds stupid.. but i just never realized what all my yelling and temper tantrums have caused.It's not too late to fix all that. And don't substitute an over-abundance of guilt for the anger about being abused yourself. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 i'm just scared that i'm not going to be able to control my anger and i will continue to do these things. thats scary... Link to comment
DN Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 i'm just scared that i'm not going to be able to control my anger and i will continue to do these things. thats scary...Well, try the breathing exercise I gave you - it is hard to feel anger when you are concentrating on breathing properly. Another technique is to envision an immediate consequence of your anger. As that emotion starts up - conjure a mind-movie of how you would feel to watch him pack up his things and walk of your life never to come back. Another technique is the rubber-band on the wrist idea. Snap it fairly hard when you feel anger. The momentary slight pain acts as a physical reminder to get things under control Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 hi everyone..i wanted to thank you for all of your responses and for helping me with all of your suggestions. when i came home from work tonight my fiance and i were talking about this thread. i let him read it so he can have a better understanding of my own personal struggle. As a result we started talking about ways that he can help me when he needs some space-."i need space" was too open ended for me. i have the hardest time with that because i didn't know how long he was going to need space. So we both agreed that we would set a timer for the amount of time that he felt he needed to calm himself down and vice versa - and that i was to do the exercises that were suggested during that time and that i was NOT to bother him. He also said that he would do the same exercises that were suggested here.. the breathing etc. i feel that the timer is going to be an EXCELLENT solution because i won't have that fear that he will NEVER speak to me again and i will know how long i have until we can talk. heck i can come here and post if i need to... i feel good about our plan for any future arguments and i feel the timer is going to be really helpful for both of us. as a side note- he said that he probably wouldn't even last as long as he sets the timer for..lol Link to comment
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