soulmeetsbody Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I woke up feeling OK. Actually no, even better, I woke up feeling NORMAL. And maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with that bad chest again...I probably will miss him, and cry again tomorrow... but I am finally wanting to take action and make the most of NC. I realized that what my friends told me all along was true. He was treating me BADLY. Read this and tell me if I was letting him walk over me: He would always make me feel guilty of feeling bad. Every time I felt bad about something, I didn't really feel like talking and being smiley. He'd say I'm being a moany b****. Wait, you want to know the reasons why I got upset? Example no 1 When he (accidentally, you have to believe me!) broke my nose (not ankle like I said earlier, but I did break my ankle a few months back...not because of him this time. but he still didn't offer much support this time TOO). He said I was trying intentionally to make him feel guilty when I was actually just crying of pain waiting for the doctors. He said 'at least give a smile'. Did he just want ME to alleviate HIS guilt? Example no 2: When I went to hospital with him, a few months after the nose thing, I found out I had serious health problems threatening my fertility. Coming out of the clinic, I was staring at the floor (I've dealt with enough health problems my whole life...Didn't want that as well). He said, 'if you're not going to say anything, go home cos I've got work to do.' Example no 3: When because of him, during a move, my suitcase was stolen (suitcase containing my whole life in pictures and personal memories PLUS a computer). I didn't accuse him, I just went silent, I felt terribly upset. He went, 'ok dont make me feel guilty about it, everyone makes mistakes, get over it'. All I wanted was the right to be UPSET and he didn't give it to me!! Example no 4 We were in a club and he asked for the 10th time if I was fine and I said 'yeh why' and he went crazy in front of everyone, grabbed my arms, said I was a stupid b***** and went mad at me for ages. I never saw him being aggressive like that and I froze and cried and had to leave. After he said it was because I was dancing with other men (which was complete BS). 4 days later, when we split up, he finally apologized and said it was out of order. FOUR DAYS LATER!!! So basically I spent months thinking, 'oh my god, I'm such a terrible, weak person' when really I legitimately needed a bit of comfort, someone to listen, and while everyone around me was offering me support and comfort, but HE, often the one creating these situations in the first place, wouldn't want to deal with it. And yes he supported me for some serious problems at the beginning of the relationship and I got over them thanks to him. But after that, he just stopped looking after me. I looked after him so much over the last few months when his family+work life was going badly. Taking him abroad, offering him presents, support and actual practical and financial help. I love him, but I need to stop beating myself up about being 'weak'. I am so insecure I find it really hard to accept that I was actually the one in the right. If we ever get back together, it would have to be between two new persons. I can't believe he kept on getting me to apologize, when really, he's the one who was ungrateful and moody and irritable and disrespectful. Gosh men are so good at putting the blame on others!! (sorry men!) Link to comment
quirky Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 How considerate! how old is he? he probably doesn't want much responsibility Link to comment
sosilver Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 He doesnt know how to take responsibility for any of his actions, he always tried to turn it around and make you feel reponsible, So yes, you were letting him take advantage of you, but you wont anymore! DONT ever apologize to him again. Link to comment
odile Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Wow, he sounds incredibly insensitive. The examples you have given point not to you being overly sensitive/weak, but to him not being willing/able to be decent to you. Would any of your friends have treated you so crummily? You have been weak in the sense that you let this guy into your heart despite him not deserving it. Don't beat yourself up over it-- just refuse to settle for so little next time-- you deserve better. Link to comment
thedude27 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Insensitve? He sound abusive to me. Link to comment
odile Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Insensitve? He sound abusive to me. I agree with theDude; "insensitive" was an understatement. Link to comment
soulmeetsbody Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thank you so much for your replies. When my family and friends told me 'you deserve better', I thought, 'of course they would say that to help me get over him'. But it finally hit home today. I got into such a habit of taking the blame for things and apologize, that I never, for a second, considered that he's the one in the wrong. Even when my friends repeated to me 'the problem is not you, it's him' I still thought that I was the abnormal one, the drama queen. When I am not a drama queen - I'm the kind who just turns silent when bad things happen. And now it is clear to me that when my friends and family (even my boyfriend) used to tell me I am being the best girlfriend, always being affectionate, attentive and sweet, they were right. I sacrificed so much for him -from my sanity to a whole summer and nights out with friends - and was only getting satisfaction from the fact that I was giving everything away to him, from the fact I loved him unconditionally. But I wasn't getting much back. And maybe that's why in the last month of the relationship, I felt intense resentment build up inside me but I couldn't explain where it was from. I guess now I've got to build myself back form this relationship and stop apologizing for who I am or how I react to things. It's going to be much harder than getting over him... Any ideas how I can build myself back up after such a self destructive relaitonship? Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 And maybe that's why in the last month of the relationship, I felt intense resentment build up inside me but I couldn't explain where it was from. This is a symptom of "Nice guy" syndrome, and i guess you are proof to an extent of "Nice girl" syndrome Your friends sound like they've got it all figured out, and I'd say follow their lead. Therapy helps for a few weeks if you can afford it, otherwise something I'm doing right now is I've put up a blackboard, and every evening I write down all the good things that have happened and that have made me happy / feel valued during that day. At the beginning I didn't know what to write, but now I struggle to fit it all in on the board - if only because by opening my eyes slowly i stopped narrowly focussing on one thing and noticed all the other great things around me Link to comment
quirky Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 may I add the guy was manipulative as well..i've seen something similar though in a tiny scale with my guy and it can make you feel crazy, like you are so dramatic and your sense of logic is challenged! gotta put them in their place straight away.I'm happy you can see it's not your fault Link to comment
quirky Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 every evening I write down all the good things that have happened and that have made me happy / feel valued during that day. At the beginning I didn't know what to write, but now I struggle to fit it all in on the board - if only because by opening my eyes slowly i stopped narrowly focussing on one thing and noticed all the other great things around me ToodlePip, that's such a good idea, very positive I might try it! Link to comment
soulmeetsbody Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 may I add the guy was manipulative as well..i've seen something similar though in a tiny scale with my guy and it can make you feel crazy, like you are so dramatic and your sense of logic is challenged! gotta put them in their place straight away.I'm happy you can see it's not your fault True.. he WAS manipulative...making me believe he was a perfect boyfriend...when everyone around us was shocked at the mean things he'd say to me ("its not like your opinion matters, you're so stupid'') then sayin to everyone thats his way of showing he loves me and to be honest, thats just who he is, he's always messing around and making jokes, like me. But he went too far... And as soon as it started hurting me and not making me laugh anymore, about two months ago and i let him know, he said I'm oversensitive and stupid. Why do I only realize it now?? Link to comment
quirky Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think you realise it now cos you got some distance from it and can think objectively. Also comments like that slowly chip away at your self esteem so you lose your strength to react. Never go back to him, he's no good. Link to comment
soulmeetsbody Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 he texted me today to ask about some blood test results. nice touch (too little too late though, since before when i had found out i had problems he blew me off) and ask me how im doing. Im on my day 5 of NC. Shall I keep on ignoring him? Link to comment
odile Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 he texted me today to ask about some blood test results. nice touch (too little too late though, since before when i had found out i had problems he blew me off) and ask me how im doing. Im on my day 5 of NC. Shall I keep on ignoring him? YES! IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! He is TOXIC, and you are still tender to him. You need to protect yourself, keep him far from you. If the blood results are in anyway connected to him (STI tests or something), then the doctor or clinic can send him a notification so that he can test himself. There is no reason for him to contact you now, and no reason for you to contact him. I would be skeptical of any attempt by him to connect with you. BE STRONG! Link to comment
quirky Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 TOTALLY agree with odile Yeah, nice touch=he misses putting you down so that he can feel superior, he's all by himself now. Trust me he's twisted, you don't wanna go there, you've just started feeling better (maybe that's why you falsely believe you can handle him again) Also you sound like a sweet girl, and he is incosiderate to say the least! Link to comment
soulmeetsbody Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 I will not contact him. It doesnt even affect me that hes trying to contact me. Its our third breakup and I know how he is now. He does it everytime he wants to get back together with me. Friendly, innocent texting...then we meet and he's begging me to get back with him. I always thought I was crazy in love with him because I felt like he was too good for me, because he was manipulating me into thinking that. When people around me always told me I'm way out of his league, mentally and physically. May I just say, it is extremely weird for me to finally actually see him for who he is... I used to constantly make excuses about who he is to my friends and family... Saying 'that's just the way he is'. He made me so insecure. And now I feel really empowered. I feel like I can do anything. Today my friend asked 'do you want to go to that gay club next week?' I said 'no i can't..' -why? -he won't let me... Then I remembered 'he''s not in the picture anymore. we just looked at each other and laughed, it feels so ridiculous that so many things were 'forbidden'. I realized there's nothing I can't do anymore since the split. My life was so full of do and don'ts , his 'rules' and I was always ending up apologizing for who I was. When what I was doing wrong was being too nice and too submissive and insecure!! Sorry Im just venting, I just can't believe it!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for the support its exactly what I needed to not start thinking I'm overreacting and confirming the fact we should not be together, not now or ever. Link to comment
quirky Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 reading your post made me smile excitedly! I'm so happy for you, any time doubt creeps in come back and read what you've writen Link to comment
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