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Living with your parents stigma?


deaxtime2

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People will assume you lack independence and cannot support yourself; living out of the nest gives them the impression that you're able to fend for yourself financially and would be seen as an attractive quality....especially in the event where things would become serious, they'd feel that they have a sense of security being with someone who has a stable income.

 

Seems to be more acceptable for females to still be living with their parents for some reason. Just something I've observed.

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Women seeing financial security and stability in an independent man is simply a guise. The REAL reason is that they want THEIR own PRIVACY and CONTROL when they are with the man. The same is for a guy with a roommate.

 

For example: She gets her privacy and not have to greet his parents when she goes over his place, and she doesn't have to worry about her image when she controls her man a bit.

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I still live at home and when i mention it, i do get a certain kind of look. Your made to feel bad about it.

 

I dont see it as a big deal. Im 23, live at home but am building my own home - alone.

 

I still pay 'board' or 'rent' to my parents and would rather they have the money than some strange. Unless you have people to share a rented house with, its awkard unless your okay with living with strangers.

 

I know a few males who are 26 and still live at home. One is waiting to move out with that 'special someone' type thing and another is stuyding full time. All depends on the situation i think.

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Yes that is exactly it the feel bad look and comments.

 

I am 31 I live at home. After I tell them my mother is bi-polar and my father has diabetes and is on at home dialysis. They have this utter shock look in their face that maybe they shouldn't have been so judgemental.

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I've seen this topic pop up so many times in so many forums, and the responses are always the same. This is what I think:

 

Adults living with parents is just not the trend in (modern) North American culture, which has become more and more individualistic in the last hundred years or more.

 

Unlike in some other cultures of the world, once a person here reaches 18 or 19, they are not only legal adults but are expected to entirely fend for themselves. They are no longer a natural part of the family unit that consists of themselves and their parents, relatives, etc. They are expected to be their own separate, completely self-reliant family unit. As such, if they stick around with their parents, they are perceived as sad losers who mooch or leech off of their parents (even if they pay rent & other costs, help out their parents, etc.) or as being immature and lacking in independence.

 

In North American culture, being independent is much more highly valued than being able to get along with your parents & relatives. If you appear to be lacking in independence, you are viewed with disdain by others. You are labelled as immature. But if you tell people you can't stand your parents, you'll probably receive much more sympathy. Even if your difficult relationship with your parents hasn't evolved since you were 14 years-old, you're still considered mature as long as you have your own place to live. (In another culture where family is more highly valued, you might get the opposite reaction from people.)

 

People will tell you it is necessary to live on your own as soon as you're old enough to be able to because only by doing so can you become truly mature, etc. But the way I see it, that is only one of the possible things you can do in order to be a mature person. To be mature you have to develop in many other ways (e.g. learning to get along with family members despite their faults). The truth is, I see so many immature people who live on their own. I don't see what living or not living with your parents has to do with it. But North Americans tend to pick on a person for hanging around family for too long because it is not cool to do that. There is a strange complex in this culture against being too close to your relatives. It starts during the teen years when it's cool to rebel against parents, and from there it never really stops. To me that's the height of immaturity, an eternal teenagehood.

 

That's my personal theory anyway, based on my observations.

 

Another reason, I think (which also relates to this individualism thing), is the dating conventions of western culture, which requires couples to become intimate pretty quickly (compared to dating in other cultures and past eras). Having a place of your own makes it much easier for this to happen. If your gf/bf comes over to your place and you end up all over each other, it's awkward & uncomfortable to think that your parents or relatives are just upstairs or in the next room. That, I think, is often what it boils down to, despite all the talk about maturity and blah blah. It's really about sex.

 

Let the hurling of rotten tomatoes now begin.

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I don't think it has to do with taking care of oneself.

 

I now of several of my friends who have moved back in their late twenties for one reason or another. I briefly dated a guy a few years ago, who was 30, but had got back from traveling/living in in south america for 3 years and did a bicycle trip through asia.

 

He was staying with his parents while deciding what he was going to do and where he was going to live. I think he had been with them 6 months to a year.

 

To me, I would much rather date a guy like that... and he certainly knew how to take care of himself, despite living with his parents.

 

I would think a guy like that is much more independent than some 21 year old who just goes out and buys a condo or apartment as young as possible... and then lives on his own.

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I think it depends on a case by case basis.

 

For example, my 42 year old cousin who has NEVER moved out of his parents house and who still lives like he is a 20 year old boy..yeah there is a social stigma. People call him a mama's boy, immature, etc. To be honest, yea it looks bad for him. He has never been able to live away from them and be independent more than seven months when he moved in with a guy friend. It didn't last and he went right back home. He has no known social disorders or anything, he's just lazy. He cna't keep a job and his mother takes good care of him so he won't leave. I also suspect he is a drug abuser and that likely keeps him tied to the home since he can't keep a job for more than six months at a time and mommy gives him money all the time that he likely buys drugs with.

 

But then there are situations where maybe a person has lost a job and they are trying to save some money and they move back home for a bit. Or the person is in college. Etc. In this economy I would assume that over the next five years the way people live might change a bit from prior years. People are losing jobs by the hundreds and thousands, lifestyles are dramatically changing and there will likely be more people moving back home for this reason while they try to re-etablish their lives and lost credit they might have lost during their jobless stints. More people than ever will probably start living with roommates as well trying to double up expenses.

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I think it depends how old you are. A lot of the time it doesn't say anything about maturity but instead about the financial situation of the world. These days people are getting married later, buying houses later, and having kids later. So what's wrong with living with your parents before this happens? It's better than wasting your money on rent.

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Yea it depends on the mentality of the person in general. Me and my aforementioned cousin are the same age. Based on my lifestyle, maturity level, job commitment, etc if i were to find myself having to live with one of my parents, I would be willing to bet people would judge me far less than they do him, since he is a well known immature 'teenager' type who is in his 40s and who has never held down any type of job more than six to eight months.

 

The circumstances surrounding it, and the mentality and reputation of the person in question, have a lot of bearing on how much, if any, stigma is attached to said person living at home with their parents.

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I'm currently living out of country and once my contract is over I will probably be 'staying' with my parents for a month or two before I move to another city.

 

So maybe it's because I will soon be in the same boat.

 

Note that I call it 'staying' with... rather than 'living with'... sounds so much better dontchathink?

 

but in all honesly in my situation, where it's just somewhere to be temporarily... I don't see the point in getting an apartment ( nor could I) for 2 months.

 

I agree with the economy and so many other situations... i know people (as couples) who have moved back in with one of the person's parents while saving up for a down payment... or in situations where they know they are going to be moving soon.

 

I have also seen those mid thirty-somethings who don't have situations like that... they've never left, never done any traveling, are not saving up for anything or are not going back to school

 

Still though, there are sometimes cultural reasons and even reasons one does not know about.

 

My friend recently moved back with her mum because of financial situations for her MOTHER, not her. She told me that if she didn't move back in with her mum and help her out, her mum would lose the house. She said it's difficult with dating, because it's not exactly the first thing you bring up on a date... and she has told me that guys have told her that's just an excuse. Good riddance to them I say.

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Me and my first husband lived with my father for about six months while our house was being built. So yea, there are always extinuating circumstances. We lived in an area where there was really no temp housing or even apartments, so we just saved some money while waiting for the house to be built and since my dad lived within walking distance of our new place, it made good sense all the way around.

 

COULDN'T wait to move out tho! LOL Living with dad wasn't exactly a picnic!

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Me and my first husband lived with my father for about six months while our house was being built. So yea, there are always extinuating circumstances. We lived in an area where there was really no temp housing or even apartments, so we just saved some money while waiting for the house to be built and since my dad lived within walking distance of our new place, it made good sense all the way around.

 

COULDN'T wait to move out tho! LOL Living with dad wasn't exactly a picnic!

 

 

haha.. at least you have the balls (can't think of another word... sorry!) to say "living with" your dad. I'm sticking with the impending "Staying with"

 

My mum has already told me that I can only borrow her new car if I keep my room tidy!

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I hate the stigma. I kind of live with my parents - except my father converted the building at the back of their house into a little house for me. So I live alone in this little house - it has everything in it, bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, lounge - but it's right behind/by my parents house and I pay some rent, so I guess it would still be seen as living with my parents, since I've never moved away. I would rather live here and not have to pay as much as if I lived in my own house/apartment elsewhere. I do a lot of travelling, I love visiting foreign countries, so a lot of my money goes on that. I have been used to a good standard of living and think that if I moved elsewhere and had to pay higher rent and lots of bills I would get no spare money to travel or do half of the things that I do. Maybe it IS me acting like a child, irresponsibly, but especially today with the recession I don't see why it should be such a stigma and think more people should do it, especially to avoid going into debt. I would much rather live with my parents and have cash to spend than living alone and going into debt. I have quite a bit in the bank at the moment that I have saved up. If I lived on my own elsewhere it would almost be like I was a bird in a cage with clipped-off wings, unable to do anything because I didn't have a surplus of money. At the moment, I can book a flight and go off when I want to where I want - and I love that! I do feel embarassed to tell any guys I meet about my living situation though, because of this 'stigma'.

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On a case-by-case basis, it can say a lot of things about a person. I'm talking about North American culture and I'm talking about cases where you've past the age that it's generally socially acceptable to live with your parents - I won't give a number, but let's just say mid-twenties.

 

1) You need to live with your parents because of the financial benefits there's nothing wrong with this, but some people will be turned off because they're looking for someone a bit further ahead in life, financially. With the economy the way it is and will be for some time, people better get more used to young adults living with their parents to save $$$! Also, some people will use this argument when it's really an excuse for them not getting out there and earning for themselves - this comes off as lazy.

 

2) You live with your parents because that's the protocol in your culture some people will respect that - it's much more acceptable for females, while others will find it odd. It is definitely difficult to get as much privacy when one person lives with their parents.

 

3) You live with your parents because they are in need of your care-taking this is perfectly legitimate and absolutely laudable, but again, not an ideal situation for someone looking for a prospective partner. There's the issue of privacy and also, you're immediately dealing with someone who already has a lot of their attention committed to others. For some people, this may be seen as a positive trait though - it is a very responsible and caring thing to do.

 

I can't think of any other (legitimate) reasons to live with your parents past your mid-twenties, but fill me in if I missed anything.

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Another reason, I think (which also relates to this individualism thing), is the dating conventions of western culture, which requires couples to become intimate pretty quickly (compared to dating in other cultures and past eras). Having a place of your own makes it much easier for this to happen. If your gf/bf comes over to your place and you end up all over each other, it's awkward & uncomfortable to think that your parents or relatives are just upstairs or in the next room. That, I think, is often what it boils down to, despite all the talk about maturity and blah blah. It's really about sex.

 

This! I would not like to get all sexy with my man then the parents come in. NOOOO, I don't even like to have guys home when my roomate is here!

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Let's get realistic. Gone are the days of affordability by the majority of the population to leave home after high school. With high tuition costs, high cost of living, lower wages, the new generation is royally screwed. I'm tired of older people saying how they did it. You know what? It was more affordable back then. Trying being 18 now, getting those massive student loans, working a part-time job for living expenses, GOOD LUCK!

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