Intermittant Reinforcement Instead of No-Contact?

[WomanWriter]

Do you remember the old school psychologist who found that the best way to get a response from someone is to be unpredictable?

 

For example, instead of feeding a cat a treat every time it raises its paw, feed it a treat only randomly when it raises its paw. If you feed it EVERY time it raises its paw, it will only raise its paw when you have a treat. If you NEVER feed it a treat, it will stop raising its paw.

 

What I'm getting at is that maybe we need to keep our exes guessing in order to have the best chance of reconciliation (just a hypothesis).

 

With this theory, you would give your ex NC for long periods of time (several months), then maybe randomly ask how they're doing, casually let them know a little, let them know you're doing good. You'd say something positive or encouraging then, "Maybe we'll chat again sometime." Then continue with periods of NC. If they contact you, don't be quick to respond but when they do, be positive. Because basically, this is what a normal person who was healed would do right? You might NOT be healed but they don't need to know that right now anyway. If you are constantly ignoring their messages or never contacting them, how you expect to get back together?

 

You gotta give them a little carrot but then pull it away ever so slightly at times so they don't get hooked on for good.

 

I have no idea if this works because I've just started trying it. I did get some positive responses from my ex but have no idea about the long-term implications. Also, I know no one who has applied this to human relationships, but heck, if it it works when training animals, I just wonder?

 

Anybody try it or have any comments?

[BusyNAbroad]

Seems pretty reasonable to me, although I am not talking from experience but strategic thought. If you see some other posts on this sub-forum, what you say is compatible with most strategical uses of NC.

 

My personal stance however is that "healing" doesn't necessarily mean "getting over with the person". Healing means getting over with your own negative feelings, being hurt, etc. I think these need to be solved before trying to rebuild any relationship, both by working on yourself and by trying to understand thoroughly what made things "not click anymore" between you and your ex. Without healing, I think it is difficult to reconcile.

 

I believe that if you focus on "healing" first, these communication tactics may happen more naturally and you won't need to design them in advance. But it probably depends on the situation. It may depend a lot on what led to your separation: If it was lack of communication, for example, I am not sure whether healing alone will be enough. You may need to acquire more insight onto what happened and open up gradually.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with BusynAbroad. I will also say that this dangling carrrots and pulling it away is not the basis for a healthy relationship. If you have to resort to that to keep someone's interest then that is a game that will have to be played forever if the only way to hang on to someone is to be unpredictable and mysterious. Unpredictability...showing interest and then withdrawing....is ultimately what destroys relationships.

[longdist]

"healing" doesn't necessarily mean "getting over with the person". Healing means getting over with your own negative feelings, being hurt, etc. I think these need to be solved before trying to rebuild any relationship, both by working on yourself and by trying to understand thoroughly what made things "not click anymore" between you and your ex. Without healing, I think it is difficult to reconcile.

 

BusyNAbroad had some good points, but I like what they say above. You'll lnever fully get over someone, just like your ex will probably never fully get over you. However, I think there is a point you reach where you accept things, and start becoming yourself again. Maybe it's numbness... who knows. Anyhow, I think you have to become yourself before you have any hope. Your ex will see through anything you are trying to fake. Trust me. I'm at a point where I get good periods where I feel complacent with things and those may be good times to attempt your strategy. However, I'll also return to a pit later, so consistent contact certainly wouldn't work.

[nauum]

OK I've actually been doing this for 5 months and there's the thing...even though I feel like I'm pretty much healed and moving on...you do start to wonder if it's ever going to work and how long you keep up this stuff. My ex will keep playing this game FOREVER it seems.

 

lynne

[stickman]

Keeping in touch with an ex may end up in reconciliation ONLY when both parties still harbor feelings for each other. Even in that case, there should be an initial period of NC (weeks to months depending on the length of the relationship and the gravity of the problems) after the break up to allow the dust to settle.

If they have someone else in their life or DON'T have the feelings and attraction anymore, you are just wasting your time.

[Siberia]

I agree. An initial period of NC is an absolute must for dumper to rediscover their love and RESPECT for you. When I was a dumper, I so wanted my ex to disappear from my life so I could love him again. But he persistently waited on the side and I steadily lost interest in him and gained interest in a new guy.

[nauum]

Stickman,

 

I agree with your post...but not sure if he has anyone. I've asked and tried to figure that out..think he might have...but can't find out short of hiring a PI. Also, not sure if he still has feelings...so maybe I am wasting time.

 

Siberia-love yoru point of view...when you wanted him to disappear...did you tell him that so he knew?

 

Lynne

[Siberia]

Yes Lynne. When you break up they should get the message, hold their head high and disappear (if they are worth reconciling with) There may be an initial period of bargaining and begging. But once that is over. They should grow a spine and disappear. The thing is--you can't go back to them if they don't leave in the first place.

[stickman]

Stickman,

 

I agree with your post...but not sure if he has anyone. I've asked and tried to figure that out..think he might have...but can't find out short of hiring a PI. Also, not sure if he still has feelings...so maybe I am wasting time.

 

Siberia-love yoru point of view...when you wanted him to disappear...did you tell him that so he knew?

 

Lynne

 

Lynne,

You may not know if there is anyone else. However, if he did not say or show that he has feelings or attraction for you anymore, chances are more often then not that he does NOT. BUT, every person, relationship and breakup is different. At this point, it does not matter anymore. until he says otherwise, he does NOT.

 

Love him enough to let go as a former lover and know that he is doing what is best for him. You love him enough that you want him to be happy? Right? If he comes back in time great. If not, you love him enough to know that he is happy without you and you then have the closure you need. You deserve to be just as happy as him.....with another that will love you the way you are!

 

The guessing and mind games you play with yourself is what hurts. You resist! When you surrender and let go of him the pain will go.

 

Hang in there my friend! Big hug!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Getting back together is a far more complex scenario than teaching a cat to raise a paw.

 

Intermittent 'reward' might get him to contact you more frequently, but it won't make him get back together with you. He may be happy with the contact but still only want to be friends, or only contacting you as a backup plan in case he finds no one he likes better, or because he wants some FWB sex til he finds someone better or any number of other reasons.

 

NC is about healing for yourself. If you want to leave the door open to him, you can tell him you need time and space to get over him, and he can contact you IF he is interested in talking about dating again. Otherwise it is best to let it go. You don't need to be mean or rejecting of him, just establish boundaries so you don't get hurt and do find someone who really wants to be with you.

[stickman]

BeStrongBeHappy

 

RIGHT SPOT ON advice