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Coming off desperate while making friends


COtuner

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Strange situation recently. Given that my BF and I are fading fast, I've decided to go out and socialize a bit more with some workplace friends when the opportunity arises. No big deal, right? Just to get out and laugh and joke and have a little fun.

 

Problem is, if I ask the same person out again because we had a good time, I start getting the feeling as if I'm coming off as desperate. I'm not - just a little lonely and limited in people I know who can get out for an hour after work without a spouse ripping into them for being late. But I totally blew it with one guy - after three (I know I know weeks of follow up attempts, I joked that I'll try him again in 2010 and wrote that off as a big screw up. He likes me, had a good time, but he has kids and extended family and is just really busy.

 

Not really looking for advice, but hoping there are other people who have done dumb things when going through a period of looking for new people to hang with or feeling a little lonely.

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COtuner, look at it this way, at least you are going out there and meeting new people. You may not succeed at once, may fall a few times, etc., but you're out there trying.

 

I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes, actually rather recently. In the fall of 2008, I decided to try and make new friends by joining a social group dedicated to historical reenactments. It's been a tough and weird road, but I've made some friends, found a group of people to hang out with, found a hobby (fencing), and stumbled a lot along the way.

 

My biggest downfall is that I worry about how people feel about me, whether they like me or not, etc. It bugs me to no end and worries me to the point I do stupid things like get drunk at a camping event and make a fool out of myself.

 

I'm finally starting to put that behind me and so are my friends, I hope.

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Just a note regarding something that came to mind that might make the process a bit more smooth.

 

Careful in choosing who to ask. Not sure if the man you speak of is married but if so, that might be why he is declining. Even if your request if harmless. Many people and/or their spouses do not take to the idea of going out with single people one on one, of the opposite sex.

 

If he is not married it still might be a matter of him not being sure of your motives. I might stay with asking other females at first.

 

Or as another alternative you could look elsewhere than work. There are off line meet-up groups for just about any topic under the sun. You sign up online & meet in a group setting & do outings together. From hobby groups, to fitness groups, to movie groups, to discussion groups... just so, so many. I once met a whole slew of new people that way (I'd just moved to a new city). I had lasting friendships with a couple & fun outings from time to time with several.

 

Good luck.

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Thanks for chiming in, Renaissancewoman. You seem like a great person on ENA, can't imagine you would have any trouble making friends! If it helps, regarding the camping thing, I had a guy in college once say he had to go get drunk if he was going to spend the evening hanging out with me. I took it to mean I was a hideous and boring person. In reality I found out the next day from his buddy that he thought I was really hot and was terrified.

 

Thank you, Maya - yes you're right about the married bit. Most of the people I know are married, it's reality at my age. The men and women at work socialize one on one quite frequently with no real issues about it - it's kind of a unique culture. His wife has been yelling at him a lot for working until midnight (everyone is on tight deadlines right now) so when we went out, it was taking time away from being home. I hadn't really thought about that, being single myself, and I think I managed to get him in trouble. I was trying for lunch outings so as to avoid that risk, but he really is just too busy. So I look like a fool, but life goes on!

 

I'd like to look elsewhere, but the gym and work are pretty much my whole life right now. Getting out is not much of an option for me at this time. I've moved 3 dozen times, so I'm usually good at meeting people, but I've never lived anywhere long enough (until now) to reach "Phase 2" which is moving on past the initial friends into larger networks of people and closer friendships. Never really done that in my entire life - too busy moving since I was a baby.

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well first of all, your situation doesn't sound strange at all. it sounds like one that a lot of us can relate to, myself included. i just posted a similar thread about meeting new people and making new friends in our 20's and 30's (though i don't know exactly how old you are), because that does seem to be a hard time for a lot of us there.

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