Jess2006 Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Hi everyone. Well I was a little frustrated and I wanted to share to maybe see if I’m out of “touch” with how things work in modern dating (I’m in my mid 20’s btw). I have been friends with a guy for about four months now. There is mutual attraction and we’ve kissed a little, but haven’t gone out dating or anything. We are neighbors though so we come accross each other very, very frequently, and have been talking almost every day. He has always told me how beautiful he thinks I am and that he wished we had met at a different time. Because right now he is all over. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship when we met, so it has now been more than 4 months since he’s been out of it. Well lately, about a month or so, he has become a little aggressive in wanting us to “mess around” and “fool around” with no strings attached. He has sent me texts in the middle of the night saying that he wants me to go to his place (at like 3:00 am in the morning) so that was can “lay in bed together.” This has happened very frequently. And now he has been telling me that we should get “crazy” and mess around when we see each other next time (accidentally though, we have only gone out ONCE where it was actually planned to meet) in a public place (he is thinking public bathroom, or his car in the middle of the night, or somewhere hidden). Other times he has told me that he wants me to give him “head” if I’m okay with it. And that we can go as far as I want. (!) Oh, but the “great” part is how he is telling me all of this, expects me to agree with it, but then says he is not ready to “hang out” or to go out anywhere. And when I say that we are not dating or even going out anywhere so I am not cool with it, he gets upset and tells me to “forget it” and “bye.” Only to come back after a day or two with the same proposals. Seriously, its like even the THOUGHT of us going out anywhere is out of the question right now. In his words, “he is only looking for FUN.” He is not even comfortable with the idea of us meeting in a public place to grab a cup of coffee or a drink, but wants me to go to his apartment in the middle of the night to go “lay with him.”??? Am I missing something here?? He says that we should try out first (sexually he is referring to, and then see how it goes). And the last time we spoke he said that I needed to be more sexy, I guess he thinks I am not being aggressive enough. Am I crazy to expect that if a guy even has the idea of wanting to sleep with me he should at least now be TERRIFIED to go out with me in public and get to know each other! I do have to mention that some of these conversations have taken place while he has been under the influence of alcohol. But still, he has made no effort to see me at all, only like at 1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning to go fool around in his car or at his place. He has said that “maybe because I have gotten out of a relationship I don’t want to try. Sorry. I’m only looking for fun.” Which I responded by saying that I hope he had tons and tons of fun, and that we would remain platonic friends. This was three days ago and since then we haven’t spoken. We live so close to each other, that I have been doing everything to avoid bumping into him somewhere. It would feel really, really awkward at the moment to see him. So even though I am very attracted to him physically, I have some self respect and I’m not going to become a booty call or sexual rebound! Should I just break off all contact with him? I have felt that we can keep up the friendship for now and maybe later, after he has healed from the break up, we could try. Because right now I am not getting nowhere near him sexually, we would first have to start dating and have some substance. Am I being old fashioned here? Because he has made me feel like I am. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 You are following your own values, nothing wrong with that. He is following his values, nothing wrong with that either. The issue here is that your values and his values are incompatible. Link to comment
ellandroader Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 What's wrong with old fashioned? Good for you for sticking to what you believe. I have been in your situation too, albeit as the guy putting up with the advances, and wish I could meet someone with these very values. You're doing the right thing, and maybe take it easy for a while until he sorts his head out. Link to comment
alli Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Well, you have to give him credit for not beating around the bush. He has made it very clear that he is only looking for physical pleasure, not any sort of relationship at all. Not even a friendship. I met a guy like this a couple years ago. We hardly knew each other & all he ever talked about was us having sex (which never happened, by the way!) I found it bordering on insulting for him to assume that I would be ok with that. It sounds like you do not want what he wants; that you want to get to know someone, date & have a relationship before getting "crazy". Just tell him that what he wants... sex with no strings attached... is never going to happen. Call me when you want a cup of coffee. Link to comment
tulipsfav Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I would break all contact with him, you deserve to be treated with respect and decency. You will find someone who will want to show you off to the world. Be very careful. Good luck Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 You're not at all being old-fashioned, you're respecting yourself, and refusing to be used as a toy for someone to have their "fun" with. If he's interested in you as a person, he'll have no problem taking you out to public places, and spending time to get to know you as a person. I give you a ton of credit for standing up for what you believe in, and please don't settle for any less. All the best... Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I dont think it is old fashioned if you are uninterested in no strings attached sex, there are some people who just dont enjoy it or have no desire to have it. If you want more than just some fun, that is fine and you have made it clear to him, so I would just tell him that you are uninterested and his "tactics" will get him nowhere. Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Sounds like your last conversation made it pretty clear where both of your intentions lie and they are not at all compatible. Stick to your ground. He is not looking for anything more than booty call, period. Link to comment
girl68 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 You don't need to rid of him altogether. Just tell him blunty I'm not into the FWB thing. Period. He cannot twist those words around. It is the truth, straight to the point and it is what you believe. Why not say just that? Don't beat around the bush- tell him like it is and if he can't be just friends knowing this- buhbye! Link to comment
chigal28 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Something similar happened to me with a guy I was "dating" (or whatever it was). Turns out, when he said he was single and had just gotten out of a long relationship, it meant he was still IN the long relationship but was looking for some validation on the side. That's why we couldn't go anywhere, had to meet at weird times and places, I could never just "drop by" (because obviously that wouldn't have worked if she happened to be there) and he wouldn't introduce me to any of his friends or family. Link to comment
Jess2006 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks for the replies, they made me feel better. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I have been way too nice to him, and therefore he feels he has the liberty to keep insisting on this. He’s even told me that he cant believe how patient I am with him. I do feel like deep down he is a good person, its just that we happened to have met at bad timing. We have several things in common and that’s one of the reasons I would like to continue a friendship with him. The thing that makes it harder is that I DO feel very romantically attracted to him, so the fact that he is only looking for “pure fun” right now is a hard pill to swallow. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment as I am busy with other aspects of my life, including the tedious job search. But if I were to get sexually involved with someone it would not be even close to the situation he and I are. I would not feel comfortable without compromising my personal standards and would feel cheap and as a mere warm body for someone else to have his fun with until he gets bored. I’ve felt tempted to contact him and just ask how the day’s going, since we haven’t talked since that last heated discussion. But then my rational side tells me that I shouldn’t feel the need to try to contact him to “make things better” when I haven’t done anything wrong! ](*,)](*,) Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I just recently went through this exact same scenario with a co-worker. She was extremely attractive. She expressed interest when we met and I was in a relationship. She knew this when she hit on me. Strike one. After the break up with my girlfriend I tried warming up to her and she showed all of the characteristics of being a heavy drinker. Not for me. Strike two. She worked at the desk right next to mine. Not a deal breaker per se, but way too close for comfort for my personal taste and I've never been real comfortable with the idea of dating my co-workers in general. She got laid off from the company and I asked her out for a drink. She said yes, call me. I called. She didn't call back after hitting on me for almost a year. Too flakey. Strike three. She also, like you described, "seemed like a really good person deep down" but there were too many signs telling me she wasn't right for me, so I just let it go. You've got to do whatever's best for you. There's too many fish in the sea to accept one that your gut tells you won't make you happy. If they're not right, throw 'em back! Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 He is very disrespectful to you. Id say cut him off totally. 3am at night he is probably just horny and is a rude person really. You obviously value your moral higher than just a booty call. Old fashioned values have been the core of society for thousands of years so it is a good choice to make. Good woman...good choice Link to comment
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