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My exs bestfriend =S


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But his best mate is constantly talking to me now and flirting with me, I don't know what to do. I don't dislike talking to him at all but we're joking around about 'what if' we had gotten together instead. Don't know what to dooo

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Personally he would not be my best mate anymore..In fact I would give him a nice face slap and then tell him what he did wrong.. My close friends and I have a no ex's rule if it is broken then all respect goes with it..Including treating them like a human being..But that is just me and yes it is harsh but that is the way I am..We do not trade partners back and forth..


Why are you talking to his best mate anyway?

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We're local to each other and have classes together


Its a really bad idea I know and hes a loyal friend but he shouldn't have started flirting with me >.


Like I said, I enjoy talking to him and even his company


True he shouldn't have..just tell him your not comfortable with his flirting..Does your ex know? I am sure he doesn't.. I don't care what alot of people say on here ex's are ex's you owe them nothing..BS! You were with them before and respected them, so respect them still..

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If they really were good buds; he should at least let his friend know that he might be interested in you and see what his think thinks about that...none of this involves in you knowing though...it should be more of inherent guy code; either avoid the Ex or let your bud know how you feel before making the push...

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You have broken the former ties with your ex. You are an adult and do not have to answer to anyone but yourself when it comes to taking responsibility for your happiness. Whatever you do, you owe it to yourself to do it completely unimpeded by your former relationship. Whatever you think is right to do for you is right. The ball is completely in your court. There is no wrong choice.

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I have a former best mate who went out with ex-GF and as a result lost me as a friend, eventually lost her as a lover (in a pretty hellacious and entirely predictable fashion) and also lost the respect of all our mutual friends (her friends didn't particular care). So, I wouldn't advise it.


That said, I don't believe in the 'rule' that a good buddy's ex should necessarily be off limits.

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I was recently in your shoes. My ex's good friend, G, had just ended a 3-year relationship (he was dumped although he very quickly came to agree it was the right choice for them to end things). My ex and I had been broken up for a few months at that point (he broke up with me), and my ex had been a bit of an ass in the aftermath, starting a rebound relationship right away and sowing seeds for melodrama, leading me to cut ties with him -- no harsh words, I just told him it was better to acknowledge that friendship wasn't in the cards for us.


But G had kept in touch with me, and we have common interests, so we still hung out periodically in a completely platonic way. None of the ex's business and to be honest I'm sure the ex didn't mind. After G's gf broke up with him, he and I started hanging out more frequently, and he started to drop some hints that he might be interested in dating me. I'd always thought he was attractive, and I'd also always thought that he and his (ex) girlfriend were ill-suited to each other (she's nice, they're just different), but I'd just assumed that, as the ex of G's good friend, I was automatically off-limits, so I'd never considered dating G.


G finally came out and asked me if there was a chance that I was interested in him, and I thought, why not? We're already friends, I know he's a good guy, he's attractive and smart ... all good! So we started seeing each other. I left it for G to inform my ex of this development -- at that point ex and I were no longer in touch.


Alas, my relationship with G was short-lived, as once we started dating and spending much more time together, I began to see that despite our common interests, our personalities are not actually all that compatible. I also began to suspect that he'd been harboring a crush on me for quite some time, as he had constructed a weirdly inaccurate understanding of my personality that (in his view) made me ideally suited to be with him (and ... not coincidentally I suspect ... unsuited to be with my ex). As I was slowly becoming aware of our incompatibilities, he became very clingy and insecure, in ways I never would have predicted and had never before experienced. After only 3 weeks I had to end the relationship, before he had a complete meltdown, and/or before I lost all patience with him. We broke up amicably, agreeing that things were getting too intense, but I see now that he was agreeing so as not to look more pathetic than his behavior had already made him look. (Seriously, behaving like a static-ridden dryer sheet in restaurants, freaking out if I didn't greet him with a kiss ... really weird behavior in a 30-year-old man!) We agreed that we wanted to remain friends. I didn't try to make him feel like he was to blame for the break-up, although to be honest his bizarre clinginess and insecurities were very much the reason I felt we had to call it quits. Seven weeks after we broke up, he still can't bear to communicate with me. So much for remaining friends! I'm a bit baffled by the whole thing.


I'm sharing my experience in response to your query because a few things occur to me: it's possible that your ex's friend really does view you as "safe" to flirt with, because he views his buddy's ex as off-limits. I'd always thought that's how guys operate. If that's the case, and if you enjoy flirting with him, flirt away knowing that the flirtation is happening because you both know nothing will come of it. In a way that's kind of freeing, so long as no wires get crossed.


But if, like G, your ex's friend isn't viewing you as "off-limits" then you might want to ask yourself why he's interested in you ... and how long he's been interested. Not saying there's any hidden agenda there, but consider the possibility that there might be. I doubt I'll ever get the full story of what G's motives were, in part because, I suspect, he was deluding himself about what he felt for me for quite some time. I think his infatuation with me has taken a toll on his friendship with my ex, and that's too bad. They're both nice guys, each just silly and immature in his own way.


So, if your ex's friend is interested in you, it could be a good thing. But it warrants caution, I think. I suspect that G's interest in me was a messy, knotted set of different motives, that involved at least a small bit of resentment towards my ex (in G's estimation, my ex had no business dating someone like me -- taller and perhaps a bit more attractive than my ex, of the same ethnicity as G but not my ex). My ex has a lot more self-confidence than G does, and is on a much more ambitious and prestigious career track than G is. I think there was a bit of jealousy on G's part. That G really did (does) like me a lot I don't doubt, but there were other motivations embedded there (I think!). Anyway, I advise finding out your ex's friend's attitude about dating friends' former girlfriends, and then see where you are.

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