Sad and frazzled - I've lost her.

[Tired Tiger]

Hello all. I'm new here, but somehow this all seems so familiar. You see, about 8 years ago I was a Mod and chat Op for a forum almost exactly like this. As life moved on for the better, I had actually hoped I'd never have to seek this kind of place again... but here I am. Hopefully I'll be able to help others, as I have before, but right now... I find myself in a sad and chaotic mess. It's tough to write my situation as a short synopsis, but I'll try not to bore you all to death.

 

I'm facing the end of an over three year relationship - myself being the "dumpee", if you will. As a brief background, I have never been married (though have been engaged and in very serious relationships), and my (ex?) girlfriend (who I am still in the same house with) has been married twice - a brief marriage in her early 20's to a chronic cheater, and a 15 year loveless co-habitation. We met on-line through a specific genre site not unlike this one - for people who had experienced 'reconnects' of one sort or another with "lost loves" from the past (like 25-30 years or more). That's another story altogether. Anyway, She and I had first done an IM & by the end of that evening were chatting away on the phone. A month later, we met in person - and we knew this was "it". It was going to require moving mountains to do it, but we got there - 850 miles apart, her divorce (not complicated at all), the sale of our homes, moving... lot's of logistics. We both knew it was worth it. In less than a year we were living together, and realizing the fruits of our labor. We were planning to marry eventually.

 

Maybe a little less than a year ago, she started periodically coming to me (maybe once every 2 - 3 weeks) to have a "discussion". To this point, we'd been fantastic communicators - we're both calm, intelligent, affectionate, and reasonable people. Yet, I seemed to be frustrated with what she was trying to say. She would usually do this late at night (tired), and we wouldn't really stick to one thing at a time - more like this collection of issues that needed addressing. Money (that's a biggie), sex (she wanted more spontinaity), her kids (I have had a harder time bonding with one of them). These talks would sometimes be very frustrating for both of us, but always ended with our being back to our lovey-dovey status quo by the next morning. While I didn't ignore her concerns, there was only so much I could do within a given time frame. Still, by all accounts we had what I thought was a rock-solid foundation - and that we would never be faced with a time when we wouldn't be together.

 

Still, things were somehow changing. Though we were in the same house together, I was seeing less and less of her. She was spending ever-increasing amounts of time on the internet and on the phone, and I was feeling increasingly frustrated and lonely in my own home.

 

Last weekend (saturday, specifically), was her birthday. Instead of this being a good thing, she culminated the day with the announcement that we were 'done'.

 

What?

 

Over. That's it. Because the issues she's been raising have not been resolved (which no, they haven't completely - but also were not ignored), she says she's been slowly losing the 'in love' feeling she had. I find out now that she's been secretely crying in the shower and crying herself to sleep on the sofa when I'm not there. I never knew any of this. She says all this internet and phone time is her distraction/replacement for what was being lost with us. Now she want's to be without any relationship, get rid of the house, the dogs, and me, and just raise her boys alone in an apartment. In a week of talking since, she hasn't budged on this, other than that maybe someday will be a better time for us... or never say never... whatever that means in the reality of time.

 

So here I am, still in this house - I have no choice. She had hit a deer with my vehicle a week before this all happened, and it's still in the shop. I'm out of work, like so many others right now (she is, too), I'm 850 miles from where I used to call home, and am faced with literally starting life over from zero. I was already tired from moving the mountains for us to be together. Now I have to move even bigger ones because she wants to be apart. I feel like I'm losing my life, and know I'm losing the love of my life.

 

Thanks for reading...

[IMAbadman]

Very touching story and I feel for you bud.

 

I've gone through a very similar situation. So yeah… I know it’s tough. Don’t get too down on yourself. Listen, if you feel that you’ve put your best foot forward to make it work and honestly tried… there’s nothing else you can do. A relationship takes two. At this point she’s taken herself out of the equation.

 

I understand that your cohabitating at the moment. If I can throw a bit of advice your way that helped me to stay in the EX’s good graces.

 

1. Let go. Yes, let go. Don’t keep bringing up the subject of getting back together, working it out, blah, blah, blah. Let it go for now. You’ll only cement her resolve.

2. Be cordial and nice, don’t mope around and be a sissy.

3. Make plans for yourself and your life and keep that to yourself, unless asked, don’t volunteer your plans. Plan and execute.

4. Once you get away, sooner the better, go with No Contact. Yep, hurts like H-E double-toothpick. You need to show her you’re OK with moving on. Sooner or later she’ll come sniffing around.

 

Anyway… good luck. And hang in there bud.

[Tired Tiger]

Thanks for the reply, badman.

 

If I were outside of my own situation, I likely would wave written close to exactly what you did. It so much easier to think rationally when you're not the one in the middle of it, ya know?

 

I've made quick progress with your #'s 1 & 2. Of course, we have always been calm and best of friends even up to now. She just came up here (what was our bedroom has become what is essentially my cave). It is astonishing how women have that capability to act like such happy buddies in these kind of situations). FWIW, we actually do get along famously still now in everyday life (though I do spend a lot of time away from her now in the cave). The hard part is that we've only ever known each other as very affectionate. It takes very real (and painful) effort to not do those little physical things. It's almost unnatural.

 

I've always been a big advocate of NC in a lot of situations. When the time comes that we aren't cohabitating, that may very well be what happens. In the meantime, I guess I can only try to keep up this facade of being some sort of roomie or something. One day at a time, I guess.

[IMAbadman]

I know it's hard, and yeah it hurts like hell. As I said I was recently, within the last 12 months, in a situation very simuliar to yours. I was floored when I got the, "I can't do this anymore..." talk.

 

Glad your making progress. Do what you have to do; a facade, fake it, whatever. You can be cordial and pleasent but you don't have to be her buddy either. She must experience some loss here. You have to remove parts of the attachement, the relationship, so she understands and feels the loss. You sound like a sharp guy... you know what I'm getting at.

[Tired Tiger]

badman, I know exactly what you're getting at. And you're absolutely right.

 

Last weekend, when the bomb was being dropped, I was downright astonished - not only that she was doing this - but at how she seemed to not be 1/100th as 'hurt' about the reality of what was happening. She said that she's been mourning privately for months... at this point she's all cried out.

 

"Why didn't you listen to me? I was trying to tell you."

 

 

 

Even so, it still leaves me dumbfounded that she can act so nonchalant. Just between those of us here, It rips me up to think that she was hurting because of me, yet I never knew it (or at least never knew the extent of it). She acknowledged that she knows I would never have intentionally done anything to hurt her, yet the damage was done. I'm not exactly sure what I would do now to "make her feel the loss". Not only because she says she already has, but because I've never been dishonest with her, and I cannot stand to play games. I guess that's what makes it hard to devise some sort of way to make her feel loss. I know what you're saying, though. If she doesn't miss anything, then...

 

Right now, I'm simply trying to distract myself as much as possible (which is why I'm here, instead of chasing her around the house hounding her). I'm not in the best of shape for thinking clearly at the moment, and the last thing I want to do is mope and beg.

[IMAbadman]

 

...how she seemed to not be 1/100th as 'hurt' about the reality of what was happening.

 

I'm not exactly sure what I would do now to "make her feel the loss".

 

 

 

Oh she's hurting. It's her facade.

 

How do you make her feel the loss? I hate to say it... play her game. Be unaffected by her actions, be happy go lucky, get dressed up and go do something (but don't tell her where you’re going) heck go to the library if you want, hang out with friends, smile, hit the gym, do something active and fun – but for God sakes brother get off that computer and out of that room and act like you have a life.

 

Yes, it’s a facade. Are you necessarily lying to her, no I don’t think so. You’re hurt but you are choosing not to wallow in it. You’re moving on and making the best of your new found life. Are you playing games with her? I guess that depends on how you look at it. There are slew of psychological things going on by being aloof and unaffected in the midst of this sh_tty (pick a vowel) situation, to much to get into her. But understand when she initially met you it wasn’t because you were depressed and pining over the EX before her, eh?

 

Get your John Travolta on… hit the sidewalk… (swing those hips and sing along…)

 

 

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,

I'm a woman's man—no time to talk.

Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around

Since I was born.

And now it's all right. It's OK.

And you may look the other way.

We can try to understand

The New York Times' effect on man.

 

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', people,

Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.

 

Well now, I get low and I get high,

And if I can't get either, I really try.

Got the wings of heaven on my shoes;

I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.

You know it's all right. It's OK.

I'll live to see another day.

We can try to understand

The New York Times' effect on man.

[Tired Tiger]

"Her facade"... but, of course - it would have to be that. How could there possibly *not* be any hurt? She's already worked through all of that over the past months by herself without my noticing the gravity of it all? Then, when she's done mourning - realizes she lost her love... and then drops the bomb on me? That does seem pretty far-fetched.

Be unaffected by her actions, be happy go lucky, get dressed up and go do something (but don't tell her where you’re going) heck go to the library if you want, hang out with friends, smile, hit the gym, do something active and fun – but for God sakes brother get off that computer and out of that room and act like you have a life.

This is going to actually be a problem for the short-term here. I mentioned I'm without vehicle (no clue when I'll get it back from the shop), and that all my friends are 850 miles away! These are her stomping grounds, not mine. We've pretty much been inseparable since we met, so. Money is a problem, too. FWIW, if I had the resources to do so - I would have been out of here by now, even if only temporarily to get my new ducks in a row. I'm fully well aware of the further damaged that could be caused by being in each other's presence at this time - even though it seems friendly enough so far.

But understand when she initially met you it wasn’t because you were depressed and pining over the EX before her, eh?

That could actually use some clarification. The last actual relationship I was in before her ended four years prior. That "lost love" reconnect thing was pretty crazy (mine), but was brief and nothing more than phone calls and emails. I was the one who put a stop to that (and was glad I did - with or without anyone new on the scene).

 

All I'm trying to do at the moment is get over this first hump - where I'm having an awful time getting to sleep, then suddenly waking up at all hours with my heart racing. No appetite (I've had like 2 meals in the past 5 days). Everyone here knows what I'm talking about. I think I slept 'ok' one night. The night before last, she decided to sleep in our bed (just sleep, of course), instead of the sofa. I can't be encouraging that, though. I need to get over this hump without that kinda crutch...

[Tired Tiger]

A double shot of Nyquil does wonders for finally getting some sleep.

 

I'm finding myself getting into the resentment mode. We didn't say a word to each other this morning (that's a first). I didn't feel as if I could open my mouth without using the word 'selfish'. She just wraps herself up in her little internet/phone world and gleefully yaks away all day long (and all night, too). As if there isn't a care in the world. Meanwhile, her "decision" has plunged my life into utter chaos - not just emotionally, but in every way possible.

 

Yes, I know my life is my responsibility now - but I can't help but be angry that she, of all people, would put me in this position.

[RobD70]

I know how you feel and yes, it is selfish on their part.

 

They think they did everything to fix the problems but we didn't respond like they wanted. The problem is they way they approach us is wrong because we are males and they don't understand how to communicate with us in a way to get our attention.

 

She has already mourned the relationship so she is way ahead of you. It's going to take a good month or 2 before she has second thoughts so right now there's nothing you can do besides give her space. IMAbadman is giving awesome advice that's spot on.

 

Since you are stuck in the house, start focusing on doing things around the house you don't normally do. Do pretty much the opposite of what you normally do and work on all the issues she brought up in the past as best you can. Don't tell her anything, let her see the changes.

[Tired Tiger]

Hey Rob, thanks for the post.

They think they did everything to fix the problems but we didn't respond like they wanted. The problem is they way they approach us is wrong because we are males and they don't understand how to communicate with us in a way to get our attention.

YES. YES. YES!

 

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

This is exactly at the heart of the matter here, though I'm not going to use this as a way to transfer blame back the other direction. Does she really think I would intentionally ignore her needs? And how am I supposed to know the relationship is dieing (for her), when she acts otherwise normal, but mourns secretly? Then ends it all, and won't listen to anything I've had to say about all this because it's "just desperation" now. Sigh...

[Tired Tiger]

Ugh. I'm such a moron.

 

Things have been cordial and friendly enough around here for the last couple of days. I didn't bring up any heavy discussions or anything, but maybe a passing hint here and there. This evening she dropped off her sons with their dad and returned home with a pizza for us. She's kinda aggravated because her laptop died today (oh horror of horrors), but otherwise ok.

 

So we eat together, and just kicking back for a few. I figured since the kids were gone for the weekend, I would suggest we could watch a movie or something (as in nothing more than any 'friends' would do). Immediately I get the suspicions about my intentions. It went downhill from there, culminating with a stern reminder that we are DONE. It's "too late". She's been losing us in a "slow, downhill slide for a year". She just wants to focus on her kids. She's done with relationships. Pretty much a Cliff Notes replay of a week ago.

 

I know now that I'm going to have to beg, borrow, and steal to do whatever it takes to get out of this house.

 

One of the last things I said was that once me and all my things were gone, the reality of these things is that we'd probably never see each other again, and that this was what breaks my heart the most. No reply.

[Tired Tiger]

Sorry for bumping with this goofy stuff, but none of my regular shoulders are around tonight.

 

But...

 

So after that episode in my last post. I retreated to my cave to lick my wounds. Yeesh, why do I let myself slip into that wuss mode? I've been through this before - I know better. Ah well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, er... whatever.

 

So a couple hours go by, and I gotta head back down to let the beasts out (Mastiff and a Golden - they were hers, but will be leaving with me). She's off in a side room of the house on the kid's computer - I was just gonna let her be. She catches me walking by and says, "whatcha doin?" Umm... umm... nuthin', why? At this point I can feel myself choking up (really macho for a 6'2" guy, right?), and before I know what's going on, she asks me if she can hug me without my freaking out.

 

 

 

I know how pathetic this all sounds (and I agree), but 2 long hugs and 45 minutes of talking about families and movies and stuff... my head is reeling.

 

Ugh.

[IMAbadman]

Sounds like a nice little ego booster for her after she paddled your bottom. Kind of like mom's hugging the kids after disciplining them.

 

Dude... don't play her game.

[Tired Tiger]

Hey badman. I sort of picked up where I left this thread off in the "Getting Back Together" Forum. LOL - if you think my last post in this one was pathetic...

[Pixiedoc]

Right, female perspective coming in now - these are NOT the actions of someone who has considered your feelings in this. Increased time on the internet is NOT good and shows a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. It seems she expects you to take this on the chin and put up with whatever she throws your way. Please recognise this for what it is - selfishness. Sorry. Be as dignified as you can and develop as much NC as you can - you are so very much worth more x

[IMAbadman]

Right, female perspective coming in now - these are NOT the actions of someone who has considered your feelings in this. Increased time on the internet is NOT good and shows a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. It seems she expects you to take this on the chin and put up with whatever she throws your way. Please recognise this for what it is - selfishness. Sorry. Be as dignified as you can and develop as much NC as you can - you are so very much worth more x

 

 

Pixiedoc very nicely put.

[Tired Tiger]

Right, female perspective coming in now - these are NOT the actions of someone who has considered your feelings in this. Increased time on the internet is NOT good and shows a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. It seems she expects you to take this on the chin and put up with whatever she throws your way. Please recognise this for what it is - selfishness. Sorry. Be as dignified as you can and develop as much NC as you can - you are so very much worth more x

Thanks you for your input, Pixiedoc. I agree, and have mentioned earlier, that it seems she's being very selfish about so much of this. This really does throw me for a loop, though, as it's truly out of character. My only guess is that this is the result of her feeling guilty for hurting me, though that doesn't really excuse anything, does it? I dunno. I'm just tryin' to get through as best I can until I'll be able to leave.