Arguing problem with a depressed woman.

[LostSpartan]

Odd title but I don't know any other way to say it. Let me try to explain this as easy as possible.

 

My current girlfriend has me stressed and confused. Why?

 

1. She constantly says we argue everyday. We usually argue once maybe every 5 to 10 days. Might be little or a big conversation.

 

2. It’s always my fault. Even if she caused it. It's my fault for mentioning it or the way I presented it. She takes no ownership in ANY thing she say's or doe's wrong.

 

3. She has some sort of dread or ongoing depression. She say's she feels like she's going to "die" daily. Says she has daily panic attacks and is very stressed at work. (To those that have noticed, I have other posts about those things). She stresses she doesn’t like to argue and thinks a good relationship would NEVER argue. I told her that’s not realistic. Not to mention, I don't think we argue a lot.

 

4. We are both in our thirties and college educated. She has a really bad attitude. Constant smart ass remarks and respects... no one.

 

That's it in a nutshell. So what do I do?

 

I was thinking I would try to not argue anymore with her by just not bringing up my concerns. Perhaps a "Disney" approach of mentioning issues. I don't want to do this because I can't mention what’s on my mind...

 

I was thinking I would try some new arguing methods. Ha I can't come up with any. Short of just not saying anything...

 

Finally, I was just thinking of saying to hell with it. It's just too much and I have no idea what to do...

[mca1975]

I feel for you! This does sound like too much. The fact you say she has no respect for anyone and makes smart-ass comments is not good, also not taking any blame at all for anything is always a bad sign.

 

Otherwise, I would have said stick with it and work on this, but it seems she is very negative and is insistent on blaming you for everything, which isn't fair.

 

Of course couples argue! I think I would shrivel up and die without an argument every now and then, it is GOOD for relationships, especially if it serves a purpose to get emotions and points accross and you get a solution out of it at the end. I would say my partner and I argue around the same, sometimes loads in one week! but it doesn't worry me. Its a way of getting to know each other on a deeper level I feel and makes us feel alive.

 

Maybe you should get out of this, or let her know that you are thinking of getting out unless things change.

 

I have been guilty before of some of these things, especially being negative and attributing blame, but I have made the effort/decision to look within myself and see that I have to change, for the better. Hope she can do the same.

[LBP]

Have you suggested that she get help for her depression? If she refuses, there's not much you can do except for walk away. Depressed people are almost impossible to deal with, for all the reasons you've stated. There is, literally, no way to win if they will not help themselves. To be related to one is something... To date one is another entirely. I'd never do it... Have had enough of that in my life.

[mca1975]

True, she has to want to. It takes a lot of insight and honesty in yourself to see your own behaviour and its damaging affects on yourself and others. Not everyone can do it. Maybe your decision to leave might shake her up.

[Ac143]

I agree with both of the other posters, on top of all that being in a relationship like this will drain the life right out of you. You shouldnt have to walk on eggshells constantly & her treating other people poorly, makes smart remarks - says a lot.

 

She has a lot of issues that SHE needs to get help for, professional help if need be. There is nothing you need to change I.E you changing the way you approach things.

 

Good Luck to you!

[LostSpartan]

Well I did just request we seek some help for her or something. She had a second period this month. She says stressed caused it. She's not saying its all me. Just a combination of her job, us, and other things. I just want to make the right decision.

[mca1975]

Just tell her that you are seriously unhappy and don't know how much more you can take. Tell her that you feel that you are good to her, but you are sick of her never taking any responsibility for her actions/behaviour. Tell her you understand she is depressed, you are there to help her if she wants, but she has to stop using you as her "punchbag" so to speak.

 

If she starts arguing, tell her you're not interested anymore as to who is to blame and arguing the toss, tell her that this is crunch time and what is she prepared to do about it. With depressed people, sometimes you have to be a bit, shall we say, "firm".

 

I have been depressed before and I can tell you that this sort of talk HAS made me snap out of it. Cruel to be kind.

 

It's very easy for depressed people to stay depressed if there is no protest against it...