How to stop obsessing?!

[TBE_1989]

Ok, I admit it. Nearly eight months on and I'm obsessed with the ex.

 

I check his myspace daily to ensure he's still single - even though I don't want him back. Bizaare, eh?

 

I read into every little thing he does or says. Everything he says MUST mean he either loves me or hates me, in my mind. Every friendly text means he's not over me, every time he doesn't reply means he has moved on.

 

I'm afraid to get on his train in case I run into him accidentally, even though I regularly see him at parties now and we get on fine and chat.

 

I feel the need to know everything about him. I have to know where he is and who with. I found out last night that he stayed the night in my area but I don't know who with or why. Party? Was he with friends? Did he have a one night stand? Has my worst nightmare come true - is he seeing someone?! I feel like I HAVE to know, and it's scaring me.

 

I'm really beginning to scare myself. Please help...

[philove]

You have to stop checking up on him. In order to heal and move on you need to cut him out of your life completely.

[SayWhen]

You have a right to be concerned...this behavior is unhealthy. Regardless of who/what initiated the break-up, you need to start moving on. You say you do not want him back, which is good...and if true, you need to try to be understanding in his decision to date others if/when it happens. Stop visiting his MySpace so often (should be easy to do...just don't visit the page!) and if you run into him, don't worry about it. Say hi if you are still friends, but other than that, just relax. You both need to move on from this...otherwise it will really hurt when he enters into another relationship.

[philove]

Cyberstalking him will bring you nothing but pain, you will find things out about him you wish you never knew and you will misinterpret even the most innocent of posts. I did it myself when I was still with my ex and it only made things worse.

 

Start NC and don't look back.

[pushforward]

You need to cut him out completely. You aren't allowing yourself to move on and not doing yourself any justice. You say you don't want him back? But, the cyberstalking and the "checking" up on his status isn't healthy.

 

It's a bad habit, you're aware of it. Only way to break it, is sheer determination and the less you know the less you hurt. Do you want to continue this behavior after a year? Is it okay to do these things and keep obsessing over it? Ask yourself, do you truly deserve this? The answer should be no, with enough self love and respect, you'll move on and cut it out. The less you know, the less you hurt.

 

I did the cyberstalking thing, I quit for a month, found out she cheated during our relationship by snooping. Got what I deserved, haven't checked or had the desire to check. Won't do me any good, won't fix what I feel, and it's just not worth the tears anymore. Take the focus off your ex, put it on you and regain what you've lost... YOU.

[opalinef]

I have been struggling with checking up on my ex via facebook/myspace for 7 months now. With facebook it is easy to simply block them. But myspace is different in that you can't do that.

 

I've learned to start asking myself BEFORE I go to his pages "What am I hoping to find out?" Whatever he is doing is totally irrelevant because the fact is, he's not with me anymore. And I'm not going to find the reason on his status updates or his stupid comments on his page. The answer to moving on is not going to be in HIS relationship status. And keep in mind that whatever is on your myspace/facebook page is not a true representation of your life. You have absolutely no idea about anything by checking someone's page. It is whatever the person wants to put out into the world which is usually nothing of significance.

 

Also, ask yourself how you feel for the rest of the day when you look at his page and his photo? It can't be good. Speaking for myself, before I stopped to think about checking his page and I'd go automatically, I'd feel anxious and nervous. When he started dating someone new I felt so low and it was back to square one. WHY do that to yourself?

 

I've bookmarked a bunch of pages that I go to INSTEAD of checking his page. That works. ENA is one of them! You've just got to go cold turkey. Start with the rest of today. If you can make it through the rest of today without checking, set another goal for tomorrow.

[Shattered21]

I AM SO WITH YOU HERE

 

I have become addicted, yes addicted to checking his stuff out. It is sick. I am full aware of that. The thing I realized is this,

IT is the way I stay attached to him.

I read into everything, want to know everything, want to figure the details of his life out, b/c I want to still be apart of it. I also know this causes me pain and I still end unsatisfied. B/c no information I find out is enough, b/c it isn't him calling me, informing me, wanting me in his life. I am sad and in paid before I check and I think oh well checking won't make anything worse. BUT IT DOES. it is the pain that keeps me attached to him. Being in pain, allows me to associate some feeling with him. Really crazy I know. I also know I just feel alone, and if at least I know about his life I won't be alone. That acknowleging me being alone will hurt me. But can it really hurt me more then checking up on my Ex. NO

It is a catch 22 - there is that hope that I can read something or see something that can give me pleasure and happiness but there also is the reality that most likly 99% chance I will end up hurt afterwards.

I guess you have to realize why you are doing it. Is this your way of still staying attached? Your way of still feeling something towards your ex? Avoid being alone? Want revenege and competativeness to know you are doing better then them? Comparing yourself to their world? Wanting what they have and you don't? - Eveyrthing having to still do with them. When they aren't in your life anymore

I guess you need to realize that and focus on it. I haven't checked in a week, (big step for me) The urge comes. But I guess if I am gonna be in pain it might as well be me accepting reality and dealing with it. Then me being in pain b/c of making and over analyzing comments, pictures, status, new relationships all of which I don't know the true answers to.

[osterfanish]

I am going through the same thing, but it is not just checking the online presence as I cut off the facebook source a few weeks ago. What did I find out? Nothing but bad news: That she started to see someone immediately after breaking up with me and had him waiting in the wings until ending things with me. Who the new guy is and all of the details about him because of his huge online presence, which has led to my constant comparing myself to him as a 'bigger, better version of me'. That they have so much in common in terms of compatibility, which in turn has led to jealousy, envy, and my cyberstalking HIM. I feel terrible and guilt-ridden about all of this. Meanwhile, throughout the course of the past few months after our break up, she denied seeing him, talking about him in second-hand ways...things they are doing together, but not mentioning him directly, pretending that it wasn't becoming serious between the two of them, and my trying to not let it be known that I actually knew about, that it bothered me, until I eventually had to initiate no contact as of nearly four weeks ago now. What a mess this is and what I have become. We don't even live in the same city. It was long distance from the start and is even longer distance now, physically. I have never been impacted like this by someone and have lost all sense of self - my identity, happiness, my soul.

 

I have dug myself into a hole of misery and suffering, and I know it. The problem is, I can't seem to stop the snooping, despite knowing it is over, that she has moved on with someone else and is most likely in love or falling in love with him. Our last conversation was my stating how she has hurt me, which she definitely did (I am the dumpee), but now I think I am only hurting myself. It is an addiction, an obsession, and only preventing me from moving on. I know this, yet still can't stop for any extended period of time. She has contacted me on a few occasions during the period of NC, as recently as this past weekend, making things worse, because to her it appears that I have cut all lines of communication. She wants to keep me in her life, but everyone I know (and myself) are telling me she is really just trying to keep me in her pocket. I am trying to ignore her contact, but it only further drives my obsession and need to still be with her in some way, which leads to my checking up on her even more.

 

At least on ENA and this particular thread, I can share my story and hear other stories similar to mine... thoughts or advice on my situation would be greatly appreciated. I am in a rut and can't seem to get out.

[owlsrcute]

love it, now if i can just figure out how to use it.

[maverick554]

I agree with the others who have posted on this thread, until you cut him out of your life COMPLETELY you are never going to stop obsessing. Try this checklist below:

 

1. Start No Contact and keep it up. This means no texts, calls, e-mails, myspace or facebooking (which includes checking his myspace or facebook), any type of communication needs to stop entirely.

2. Go through your house, computer, cellphone, car, etc. and get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Gifts, letters, messages, if a chair in your house reminds you of him it has to go, and especially pictures (they will haunt you if you do not get rid of them!). If you don't feel comfortable simply throwing these things away try giving them to a friend for safe keeping, tell this friend not to give them back to you for at least 6 months no matter how much you beg. But you need to get these things out of your sight.

3. Try taking up some new activities, working out is a great one, and go out with your friends as much as you can.

4. Don't try to get your stuff back from him or give his stuff back. Its not worth the pain of being in his presence to get a sweater or a dvd back.

5. Avoid doing things that remind you of him, and stay away from places you know he frequents. i.e. if there is a restaurant you two used to go alot, don't go there!

6. Try to meet somebody else.

7. Stay positive, a defeatest attitude will only delay the healing process.

8. Try making a list of all of the things about him that annoy you, and everything you will not miss from the relatoinship. Refer to this list whenever you are considering picking up the phone or looking at his myspace.

9. Keep up no contact!

Good luck with it all. This list isn't perfect, but its helped me alot.

[TBE_1989]

guys, thanks so much for the replies. it'll be hard cos i'm in so deep, but i'm going to try keep your wonderful advice in mind.