A Confused Dumpee...

[id4edg]

I got out of a 6 year relationship with my ex about 3 months ago. She left me and it has hurt so so much. It was a codependent relationship where she was the codependent and I was the "addict". We are both in college and I, at times, would drink heavily and thus, neglected to fulfill some of my responsibilities as a boyfriend. That said, I have a few questions:

 

1) She hasn't been single for over two months in 8 years (I was a rebound, but it worked out somehow). 2 months down the road after our break up she is with someone else. She said she detached herself from me a while before our break up although she still exhibited codependent behavior up until the end of our relationship. As a child, her father died when she was 5 years old and her best friend died when she was in high school, which I believe led to her codependent personality. She never sought counseling and while she was with me she never really talked about it. She has been friends with her new boyfriend since before our break up for several months. Has she really worked out her codependent issues so quickly and moved on?

 

2) I have been sober since the break up. So alcohol has not affected my 'moving on'. But I find myself in and out of the denial stage of losing my ex. Is this normal? I cry when I realize that she isn't coming back. But then I intentionally scour the internet to find hope in order to relieve my anxiety?

 

3) Why do I only feel good when I feel like I am moving on better than she is, and crappy when I feel like I am not? Is it my anger towards her for leaving?

 

4) Finally, what can I do to let go of hope for reconciliation?

[Cuppedia]

I got out of a 6 year relationship with my ex about 3 months ago. She left me and it has hurt so so much. It was a codependent relationship where she was the codependent and I was the "addict". We are both in college and I, at times, would drink heavily and thus, neglected to fulfill some of my responsibilities as a boyfriend. That said, I have a few questions:

 

Let me see...

 

1) She hasn't been single for over two months in 8 years (I was a rebound, but it worked out somehow). 2 months down the road after our break up she is with someone else. She said she detached herself from me a while before our break up although she still exhibited codependent behavior up until the end of our relationship. As a child, her father died when she was 5 years old and her best friend died when she was in high school, which I believe led to her codependent personality. She never sought counseling and while she was with me she never really talked about it. She has been friends with her new boyfriend since before our break up for several months. Has she really worked out her codependent issues so quickly and moved on?

 

You know the answer to this one.

 

2) I have been sober since the break up. So alcohol has not affected my 'moving on'. But I find myself in and out of the denial stage of losing my ex. Is this normal? I cry when I realize that she isn't coming back. But then I intentionally scour the internet to find hope in order to relieve my anxiety?

 

It's perfectly normal to still have moments of denial after 3 months. It's more common to be in full denial during the first 6 months, so I would say you are doing amazingly well.

 

3) Why do I only feel good when I feel like I am moving on better than she is, and crappy when I feel like I am not? Is it my anger towards her for leaving?

 

I think it could be because you feel you have some control back. It might also be the anger even if a part of us would like them to be happy, but after a while the "comparisons-stage" begins to disappear and either we end up sincerely wishing them well (if you are happy you want the same for others) or not caring in the slightest.

 

 

4) Finally, what can I do to let go of hope for reconciliation?

Remind yourself that she could be more damaging to you, work on becoming an even better person, remain healthy physically and emotionally, repeat every day "I'm okay without her" as well as some other similar thoughts, keep paying attention to the issues that made you drink and/or remain in a codependent relationship, give it time.

 

 

There are set-backs but if you don't pay attention to them it really does get easier every day.

[id4edg]

Thanks Cupp. Everything you say really means a lot to me. I appreciate your insight and will consider everything you said.

[ladybug726]

1) Probably not, but maybe. I have no idea.

 

2) No matter how badly you want to scour the internet, don't do it. It makes you feel so, so much worse. If you have to, get off the computer. Leave the house. Don't look for her online!

 

3) Normal.

 

4) Time lets go of that hope for reconciliation. I held onto my hope for months. Even after I was getting over it, I had small hope. It started to shrink. I think a small piece of hope still exists for me (it's been 6 months), but I mostly don't care anymore. It will go away. In the mean time make up lists about what you hate about her, what you love about you, your goals with your new life without her. Read them often. That helped me calm down when I was going crazy with anxiety.

[id4edg]

Thank you ladybug. Keep em coming. These replies are fantastic.