Why It's Important For A Guy To Pay On The First Date And Why I Don't Want A Relationship Anymore

[meepmeep20]

I was talking to this guy on link removed for two weeks or so. We both talked about our past experiences with dating and relationships. He told me all of his special dates, and how he'd take girls to nice, fancy restaurants and that his idea of a meet up for coffee is not romantic and that he'd never do it to me. I thought, great, because personally, I think that coffee is not romantic at all and is not a good setting to start off romantic relationships. But moving on.

Today, online, he told me that he would like to meet up for coffee first instead of the restaurant because he doesn't want to 'shell out' his money on something that might not work out in the long run.

At that point, tears welled up in my eyes.

SHELL OUT. Like I'm some poor, poor girl with my hand outstretched begging for him to pay for me. Like I'm second class, number 2 compared to all those other girls he took to expensive restaurants.

THIS IS WHY IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THE GUY TO PAY ON THE FIRST DATE.

Because if a guy takes a girl out for coffee, he's delivering to her the message that she's not special enough for him to spend the extra $80 on a restaurant. She's second class to him.

I once dated for a short while a medical student. He was 25, didn't work, and his parents paid for everything. On the first date, he took me to a nice Italian restaurant. He paid. I knew that it wasn't with his money, but the fact that he paid, that he took me to that place, told me that I'm special for him, and that it's important for him to make me feel good. I didn't care whether the rest of our dates ended up at his apartment or at some inexpensive diner because I knew that he didn't have the money for something more. The fact that he told me I was the most beautiful girl he ever dated, the fact that he called me every night and literally begged to see me, and all those nice things he told me made me feel so SPECIAL.

I hate when guys want to save themselves money by going out for coffee with a girl. COFFEE? Is that how much I'm worth to you?

EVERY WOMAN wants to feel special. She feels special when she sees the guy go out of his way, even if it means spending a little more money here and there, or calling her the most beautiful woman he's ever dated, or surprising her with flowers.

But not COFFEE and not on a first date.

 

I'm only 21 but honestly, I don't want a relationship, not anymore. I really liked one guy before, we dated for two months, but from the beginning, he would put me down. I wasn't working then, simply going to school, and he just attacked me ALL the time. Mind you, he was 26, a DJ, and a college drop out. And as for the rest of these guys, it felt like I was under pressure to meet up to their standards of what a girlfriend should be- independent, with her own apartment, or at least living away from her parents, with a nice, 20k car, and working crazy hours.

 

As much as I do want a relationship deep, very deep, down inside, I also don't want one. I don't want to be put down for not driving an expensive car, or simply going to school, or not wanting to pay 50/50 for dates.

You see, I'm not good enough for a relationship.

 

And at this point, I am crawling into a tiny little dark hole where no guy can touch me. And even if one or two come along to poke me or tickle me from my dark hole, I won't come out. Maybe, just maybe, I'll come out a little bit....but only to REJECT them and make myself feel better before being rejected for the things I don't have in my life right now.

[Batya33]

But you're not going on a date with him - you're meeting him to see if you should go on a date with him so I don't see why he should pay or why he should plan to spend several hours with you over a meal since you could meet and realize after an hour or less that it was not a match, no mattr how long you spoke/typed beforehand.

[JadedStar]

As much as i have made my stance known here on why i think the guy should pay for the first date, I still must say that I agree with him in this instance. That first meet up is NOT really a date. it is a neutral meeting ground in public to get to know one another. Why would you be offended when he has never met you? How can he know if you are this great chick he melds well with if he has never met you? I think in this case your upset was a bit of an over reaction. I totally see his point. I think he worded it pretty poorly, he could have broached it differently, but i do agree in his concept.

 

Even if i had been chatting iwth a guy for a week or two on a dating site and felt we really connected, I would not be offended at ALL that he suggest first we meet for coffee. As a matter of fact, that was the type of first meet i wanted beacuse it is a great neutral place to meet and doesn't have to cost much at all.

 

I think your problem here is in viewing that first meet from a dating site as an actual 'date'. They are meet ups to see if the in person chemistry matches what you found on line. If you change your mindset to not view this as a date you wont' be so hurt and offended if this happens again in the future. In fact, i ENCOURAGE you to also suggest coffee houses as first meet up spots.

 

I would never want to go to a lavish dinner with a guy from an online dating site i have never met. We don't even know each other yet, it is better to make that first meet quick that way if you DON'T mesh well in person (and hey, it happens even when the online chemistry was awesome, it shouldn't be taken too personal) you are not expected to go thru hours at dinner.

 

If you decide to thwart dating from now on from this kind of experience, i have to say, you are only going to be hurting yourself. Your expectations were not very realistic.

[melrich]

The fact that he told me I was the most beautiful girl he ever dated, the fact that he called me every night and literally begged to see me, and all those nice things he told me made me feel so SPECIAL.

I hate when guys want to save themselves money by going out for coffee with a girl. COFFEE? Is that how much I'm worth to you?

 

I suspect this is the attitude that invokes such a bad response from men on threads about "paying".

[DN]

COFFEE? Is that how much I'm worth to you?

How much do you think you are worth?

[meepmeep20]

You are very wrong, or at least partially wrong. I have met up with guys for coffee to see if our chemistry clicked and it didn't. I didn't see anything romantic in them in that coffee setting. Coffee is not romantic. Think about it. When you are in a romantic setting, at a nice quiet restaurant, when both of you are dressed up, there will be romance. If you are already attracted to this person on the phone, or online, the date will be even better. ALL the guys that did take me out on the first date I have dated for more than a month. One time, I met a guy online whom I was very attracted to both when talking on the phone and pictures. but he wanted to meet up for coffee and all of a sudden, I wasn't that attracted to him anymore because he didn't want to spend the extra money to make me feel special. Anyhow, my point is that over coffee you won't talk about how beautiful the girl's dress is or how she has this beautiful smile, because honestly, I don't think of SEXINESS and STARBUCKS in one sentence. But at a French restaurant, there is room for that, for those nice compliments and then afterwards, you can go to his apartment or vice versa, and have that special intimate moment together. COFFEE DOES NOT DO THAT.

[purpleduckie]

while i agree with jaded star about the meeting first thing... the fact that he SAID that would put me off. that's just bad manners. also, why would money = special? maybe you'd want to rethink that.

 

 

why should he spend the money to make YOU feel speccial? why dont YOU spend money on HIM to make HIM feel special? i like it when guys pay on the first few dates too because there is a sense of romance to it ... and i would be turned off if he let me pay... it's hyprocritical though. it's not fair at alll..... and money really really doesnt equate love.

 

 

i prefer quiet first dates that are inexpensive. they usually require more thoughts. dinner dates are blah.

[JadedStar]

I suspect this is the attitude that invokes such a bad response from men on threads about "paying".

 

When the attitudes that are generating the response about a guy paying are on that same order, i can actually agree with you. Even tho i am in the camp that a gentleman offers to pay on a first date, I am also NOT in that camp if a woman is expecting chateau brignon and the best wine in the house. To me, it isn't about how much the date costs. I can see how a man might think he is dating an opportunist if this is how it is communicated.

[StreetlightM]

I see you're upset. . .but he sounds like a nice guy!

 

Think about it. He's smart enough to not fall and dish out 60 bucks on a girl he has NEVER MET. This shows you he is REASONABLE and smart and RESPONSIBLE! The coffee as a first meet is perfect. You two need to meet eachother in person, see how your chemistry is before you expect to go on an expensive date! You're expecting a little too much, I believe. And I think coffee is romantic. Depending on the spot and such. How about for a walk in the park? Or something else that is nuetral and isn't too much. Seriously, he's very realistic and reasonable it sounds like and you should give the coffee a chance if you don't want to seem like a gold digger

[JadedStar]

I totally disagree with you, and it is these overdramatic expectations that usually lead to bitter feelings about dating online, as you have demonstrated. You are expecting WAY too much from a first meet and that is why you are bitter. I honestly would advise you to tone that down a few notches. If you never met the guy, why would he want to take you to a very expensive restaraunt? You don't even know if YOU will click with him yet.

 

If you can't click with a guy in a cheap ole coffee house and it has to be someplace expensive, then you sound pretty high maintenance, and it is this type of attitude that I can see would make men a bit leary of paying for first dates. Your attitude on this is a bit spoiled, and it doesn't fare real well for women overall. If i am going to mesh well with a guy, i will be able to do it in a FREE setting as much as i would one that cost money. I'd likely feel MOST comfortable if it were free or cheap as I really don't want to put him out for a lot of dollars.

 

It is unbelievable to me that you do not think you could "feel' any chemistry unless it is in a romantic french restaraunt.

[melrich]

I hate when guys want to save themselves money by going out for coffee with a girl. COFFEE? Is that how much I'm worth to you?

 

You are linking the money spent on you to your worth or otherwise to the guy. That is what men hate.

 

But at a French restaurant, there is room for that, for those nice compliments

 

I had no idea that French restaurants had a morgtage on romance and nice compliments. In my day you could achieve these lofty goals on a beach with a bottle of cheap champers.

[purpleduckie]

When the attitudes that are generating the response about a guy paying are on that same order, i can actually agree with you. Even tho i am in the camp that a gentleman offers to pay on a first date, I am also NOT in that camp if a woman is expecting chateau brignon and the best wine in the house. To me, it isn't about how much the date costs. I can see how a man might think he is dating an opportunist if this is how it is communicated.

 

ya, north american guys are paranoid about being used.

 

 

and i wanna add... most guys who DO take you out to expensive restaraunts on the first date even though they barely even know you... they often feel that you OWE them something. and you do... why would you want to receive ~100$ from a stranger??

[Samedy]

Personally, I like going out for coffee as an initial meet because it's casual. Less Pressure. You're in an environment where you are more likely to see who this person really is...

 

That's just me.

[meepmeep20]

that's fine but then, why did he take out all those other girls to restaurants on the first date and not me. what's worse is that he has to tell me.

and so you know, this is the type of girl that I am. I am not high maintainance but I do want to be treated very special on that first date. i have never ever ditched out on a guy that took me out on a first date. if i didn't like the guy, i didn't talk to him at all...I knew right off from talking to him online that we wouldn't click.

[JadedStar]

meepmeep, his problem is with his communication skills, not that he is cheap. To paint all men with this same brush because one guy can't communicate well isnt fair to everyone else, and in the long run you will only be holding yourself back from some potentially meaningful experiences. But only if you are open to those experiences in places that don't cost a mint.

[meepmeep20]

wow, guess you have dated some pretty sleazy guys because the guys that took me to expensive restaurants did not expect even a kiss from me. and I have dated three like that. they were gentlemen, at least during that period of time. and that's why i fell for them.

[Samedy]

that's fine but then, why did he take out all those other girls to restaurants on the first date and not me. what's worse is that he has to tell me.

and so you know, this is the type of girl that I am. I am not high maintainance but I do want to be treated very special on that first date. i have never ever ditched out on a guy that took me out on a first date. if i didn't like the guy, i didn't talk to him at all...I knew right off from talking to him online that we wouldn't click.

 

Isn't the definition of insanity, someone who keeps trying the same thing expecting different results (I know, it's an expression)... Maybe he's switching it up..

[StreetlightM]

Yeah seriously, if you're looking to date a guy long term you gotta remember you're going to have to love him when he's NOT putting on this huge thing to impress you. Most relationships fail because you meet someone who impresses you but isnt really like that. Most realistic people do not live the french restaurant life. If you meet one, great. But I doubt you're going to. So expecting someone to live that life who really can't isn't going to get you anywhere.

[JadedStar]

wow, guess you have dated some pretty sleazy guys because the guys that took me to expensive restaurants did not expect even a kiss from me. and I have dated three like that. they were gentlemen, at least during that period of time. and that's why i fell for them.

 

meep with all due respect, it sounds like you fell for them because they shelled out a lot of cash on a very expensive place. And purpleducky was speaking in general terms, she didn't state that this happened to her with any type of frequency, or at all, she just stated that many men DO have some expectations if they are footing that kind of bill.

 

You are 21, so I assume the guys you date are around that age. Most guys that age (and some much older) just don't have the means to wine and dine a woman at these expensive places. And toss in the horrible economy we have right now, it gets even tougher. You might want to tone down your expectations a few notches. Or perhaps being single is the best route for you at this time, as you suggested.

[meepmeep20]

the point is, I don't like cheap guys or guys that take me to cheap places on that first initial date. I want to feel special and a coffee house is not special for me. One time, I went out with a guy I thought i was not going to like much but he was so unbelievably romantic on that first date, french restaurants, roses, wine, I couldn't stop talking about him to my friend for a whole month. and that whole date. I was so head over heels. all of a sudden, he was unbelievablly attractive to me.

[JadedStar]

the point is, I don't like cheap guys or guys that take me to cheap places on that first initial date. I want to feel special and a coffee house is not special for me. One time, I went out with a guy I thought i was not going to like much but he was so unbelievably romantic on that first date, french restaurants, roses, wine, I couldn't stop talking about him to my friend for a whole month. and that whole date. I was so head over heels. all of a sudden, he was unbelievablly attractive to me.

 

It might be best then that you take that sabbatical from dating as you mentioned in your first post. I don't think many guys are going to really fall madly in love with this type of mindset. You are setting yourself up to fail. You sound like you fall in love with notions, not people.

[meepmeep20]

yes, I know, and I don't expect that. I just want that first initial meeting to be so special.

[Samedy]

Well then you're going to have to meet a guy who thinks he can buy love or adjust your perception of what love is...

 

Maybe you should try wearing the shoe on the other foot. Take this guy out to an expensive restaurant. Show him that he is important to you with expensive restaurants.

[StreetlightM]

the point is, I don't like cheap guys or guys that take me to cheap places on that first initial date. I want to feel special and a coffee house is not special for me. One time, I went out with a guy I thought i was not going to like much but he was so unbelievably romantic on that first date, french restaurants, roses, wine, I couldn't stop talking about him to my friend for a whole month. and that whole date. I was so head over heels. all of a sudden, he was unbelievablly attractive to me.

 

So what is wrong with him? Why aren't you dating him now?

 

Obviously he wasn't the kind of guy you thought he was.

 

And another thing, "I want to feel special." It isn't about what you want in life. You want a relationship. You want a guy to treat you right. You want someone who respects you and cares for you and wants to make you feel special, and you want to make them feel special, too. You're being way too selfish, "I want to feel special." Wow. . .

[meepmeep20]

I think a lot of you girls on here haven't had much opportunities to enjoy the whole French restaurant/wine/red roses seduction. that's fine. but don't try and tell me that i'm being unrealistic. I'm realistic. this is what I want from a guy. and there are guys out there who are willing to do this as I have met some.