Doubts... help!!

[ctc15]

I've been with my boyfriend (first relationship) for about two years. Mind you, its been a secret, basically because my family is very religious and would kill me if they knew (he comes from a completely different background than me). I am close to my family and it is definitely hard for me. To add to the situation, he is much older than me, about 20 years, so again they would not be understanding of that either.

 

The good part: He is the best friend I have ever had. We talk all the time, share everything, he is an amazing person and I feel that he just gets me. I feel myself with him. While I love him and am attracted to him, I am not and have never been head-over-heels in love with him. I guess one problem is that I've always noticed other guys... it could be because he's so much older... and yet he's so in love with me. For me its been a relationship that's gotten stronger over time.

 

But I keep having doubts in the back of my mind... when I go out of town by myself, I don't miss him (he misses me like crazy). I've broken up with him twice in the past. Once about a year ago and also about a month ago- both times its lasted a day or less and then I go right back to him. It makes it so hard because I can't see myself ever telling my family, as ridiculous as that sounds. I am so confused and torn, I've been plagued by these doubts for so long!! I need some advice and help.... I have no one to talk to about this

[ctc15]

anyone...??

[NJRon]

Something to think about.. are you in love with him, or are you in love with the fact that he offers an escape from your controlled family life? If you had your freedom, is he someone you would want to be with exclusively?

[ctc15]

I'm not with him as an escape from my family... I love him for who he is and how I feel when I'm with him (i.e. completely comfortable, happy,...)

Its strange though, because our relationship is hidden so every time we meet its an effort that occasionally I want freedom from him.... he's my closest friend though and it's hard to imagine my life without him.