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Why do we miss people who are bad for us?


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I have been thinking about all of the friends I've lost and this question came to mind.

 

I have had some serious fallouts with some really close friends after seeing sides of them that I didn't like. Some turned out to be completely untrustworthy, others were too aggressive and hurtful when it came to arguments. Some turned out to be judgmental and stuck-up.

 

The decisions I made to filter these people from my life has ultimately made things easier for me, and my life has been a lot happier because of it. So why do I still miss them and sometimes still feel the urge to call them or make contact? I KNOW that opening the doors again would only lead to more trouble, and I know what kind of people they turned out to be, so why?

 

The most recent is someone I was friends with for years...he completely took me by surprise with a Jekyl and Hyde kind of thing when we were faced with a challenge in our friendship...and I just couldn't handle the constant ups/downs and emotional abuse that was being thrown at me. It was horrible, and I was miserable being friends with him. But even though I've maintained NC, I still find myself thinking about it all the time.

 

I'd really like to hear some of your experiences that are similar. Why is it so hard to just cut ties and forget about someone you know is bad for you to have in your life?

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I tend to believe all people have positive and negative furies in them. The person's will controls which fury is seen most on the surface, in any given aspect of their life.

 

It's normal to miss the positive things you once saw a person let through. But we have no control over another's will and if that person chose to move towards the negative, then you'll naturally have nostalgia about the past parts of them that no longer shine.

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I miss the bad boy of my life because of all the crazy experiences we shared! These people are addicting, they make you step out of your comfort zone and you do things you havent before....like Jeremiah said, its a rush...and I miss that.

 

But with distance, you can see both, the good and the bad. And sometimes, the good seems like great and the bad doesnt seem that bad at all....

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Yeah, in my case it wasn't so much that he was doing things that were a rush for me. Not like a "bad boy" thing. It was a situation that actually felt BAD for me, emotionally. I see what you're saying though, thanks for your input.

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Was the situation more in terms of his best interests than yours?

 

Maybe you felt you were more "loyal" to the friendship than they were...but didnt get that same commitment in return?

 

Its a strong decision you made...I commend you for that.

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Was the situation more in terms of his best interests than yours?

 

We hit a bump in the road, and instead of dealing with it maturely and rationally, it turned into a nightmare. He became angry, hostile, emotionally hurtful...just completely different than ever before. I tried to make things work, because I'm not one to completely dismiss friendships easily, but it became too much and it was starting to affect how my life functioned and I had to let go. I don't know if we'll ever talk again, but it's been about 9 months since we talked last.

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People aren't all good, or all bad--so although you've realized that the bad outweighed the good, that doesn't mean there aren't things that you miss. For example, I have had friends who are silly and fun, and I loved spending time with them--but for other reasons I decided it wasn't good for me or my self-esteem to remain as close to them as I had. That doesn't mean I don't miss the good times, or the person, it just means I've found healthier relationships in which to have those good times.

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Those good for us will never give us the yoyo aspect of a relationshp that comes with the ones that serve us no good. Highs and Lows can be addictive and as someone previously mentioned these folks are often psychologically accepted by us as drugs which although we know do us progressive, long-term harm, we just cant deny the feeling of a short immediate high that comes with them.

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Times with these people were good times. Times with these people we're bad times. But in the end they were true friends and probably friends that you could count on regardless.

 

 

I have some friends like this. Somehow we just drifted apart and look where were at today, not in each others lifes. For me I think its the cross road of Growing up and moving on that I haven't been able to cross. I guess you could say I don't want to move and with new things and new friends and such, and that I just want to have the new times with my old friends probably doing some of the thnings we used to.

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Another reason which is common, but which may or may not apply in your situations, is if there are issues with a parent or sibling that aren't dealt with that get projected onto the ex-friends. For example, if someone has an abusive parent or was brought up in a family with a lot of competition or mistrust or sibling rivalry, friendships can be full of conflict. The problem is that if healthy means of resolving conflict aren't learned in the family, it becomes very difficult to resolve conflicts in friendships and relationships. Hence, falling outs and very intense, painful breakups.

 

If the conflicts were never really resolved, it is common to miss the friendships. It is a normal psychological need to replay things in our mind and focus on the good times and how things could have been better.

 

If you think this applies to you, you can learn communication skills that will help you resolve conflict in a positive way so you don't get hurt and you don't hurt the other person. It just takes practice. Then you can either salvage the friendship or move on without feeling guilty or missing the friend so much.

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