Is NC really the best option for "Getting Back Together?"

[Grant218]

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but seeing how this subcategory is called "Getting Back Together" and not "Healing After Breakup" I am just wondering if NC really is the best strategy for reconnecting with a lost loved one. I'm not trying to suggest that NC isn't the best option for healing and moving on but what if there is still a chance of rekindling the flame. What kind of message does NC send to your ex? Does it simply give them time to think about how they feel? Or perhaps suggest that we don't care enough about them to communicate.

 

The reason I'm asking is because I left my girlfriend of 6 years to enter a monastery. Sounds bizarre, I know. Even though I loved my ex, I felt at the time that this was my calling and couldn't live with the regret of ignoring this potential calling. I take full responsibility for putting her through all the pain and heartbreak she went through from me leaving, but in my defense I did tell her months in advance what was going on and never pushed her away even up until my last day at home. I tried my best to assure her that it wasn't because I loved her any less and that was the truth. It was extremely difficult for me as well.

 

Fast forward...

 

After 2 months away I realized that she is my whole life and could picture nothing more than marrying her and spending the rest of our lives together. We kept in contact the entire time I was away and I tried my best to comfort her. Last week I decided enough is enough, I had to follow my heart. So I left the monastery and called her up to talk and hopefully reconcile. Only when we met to talk I noticed she was unusually cold towards me. Then my worst fears were confirmed -- she told me that she has a new boyfriend. Which of course helped her to get over me leaving and it's something new and fresh, but what shocked me was how fast she moved on. After 6 years together to move on in a few weeks. Nonetheless, I'm not trying play the victim here. I know I left her, but even before learning of her new boyfriend I realized how much I took her for granted and never stopped caring about her.

 

Even though she is with new boyfriend now, we still keep in contact daily and she's very friendly toward me. Even still adding "Love you" to the end of her emails. I took her to lunch the other day and it was like old times. Only she's doesn't want to leave her new boyfriend to give me another chance. Again, not that I deserve it but after 6 years I would think she'd realize we have something special together.

 

Is she trying to make me win her back, wanting me to experience the same pain that she went through, or has truly moved on?

[Sparkie]

I don't think she has moved on. I think she just didn't like being alone, and it was easier to feel wanted again.

 

I don't like NC if you are trying to reconcile, but it is useful for a few weeks to let the dust settle. But then you have to start communicating at some point if you want back in. You are already past that point, but NC could be useful now.

 

In your situation, you had the power when you left; now she has it. She has the best of both worlds. I think NC would help you now.

 

I'd speak to her and say that you realised you were wrong and that you hurt her. That you want to reconcile, and will work with her to do whatever needs to be done to build back her trust in you both. But that you understand she has a new partner now, and you will respect that relationship by leaving her be. And add in that no, you can't be friends with her at the moment because your feelings are too strong.

 

That will allow her to miss you and see her new relationship for what it is, without you filling in the gaps that are his deficits. It will allow you to concentrate on you. And if she stays with him, then at least you are not dragging yourself through the pain of the break up any longer than you need to. Just be prepared to stick to your guns once you go NC.

[Grant218]

Thanks very much Sparkie!

 

I've told her exactly how I feel and that I was wrong. I've laid it out to her the best I possibly can. She knows very well that I'm sorry and that I would give anything to have her back.

 

"She has the best of both worlds." Funny, I've used those exact words when describing her situation to my friends and family. I agree NC will help put the pressure on her but I'm just afraid of pushing her away for good or by enforcing NC she might think my attempts to reconcile weren't sincere.

[Sparkie]

I agree NC will help put the pressure on her but I'm just afraid of pushing her away for good or by enforcing NC she might think my attempts to reconcile weren't sincere.

 

I don't think you should just fall off the face of the earth. Talk to her about it. I'm sure you can sell it in a way that she'll understand - respect for the new relationship / realise you hurt her and will let her get on with life / hurt so much that you need to stay away / would love to be friends, but for now it just hurts too much / if she is ever single she can contact you day or night / too much self respect to be in a three way relationship etc etc.

 

If it pushes her away, then she didn't want it enough. Just know she'll guilt you with the friends line, and test you out by calling. You HAVE to be strong and resist.

[Grant218]

I don't think you should just fall off the face of the earth. Talk to her about it. I'm sure you can sell it in a way that she'll understand - respect for the new relationship / realise you hurt her and will let her get on with life / hurt so much that you need to stay away / would love to be friends, but for now it just hurts too much / if she is ever single she can contact you day or night / too much self respect to be in a three way relationship etc etc.

 

If it pushes her away, then she didn't want it enough. Just know she'll guilt you with the friends line, and test you out by calling. You HAVE to be strong and resist.

 

I've been very respectful of her new relationship. I've told her I just want her to be happy even if it's not with me. I suppose now I have to step up and live by my own words... 8-[

[90_hour_sleep]

i like your perspective sparkie. you offer a different option. i think you're right. if you really believe that a reconciliation is what you want...i don't see cutting contact completely (for months and months on end) being entirely productive. nc has it's place...definitely in the beginning...but once emotions have settled down a little bit...you should be able to have some form of communication. obviously depends on the conditions of the break up.

[Grant218]

Good news!

 

After a few days of playing it cool and not chasing after her, she called me this morning and said that she didn't do well on a test and wanted to skip her next class but didn't have a ride because she would have to wait for her sister to finish class before returning home. So I offered to pick her up and we went to a coffee shop. It was great! I kept reminding myself that I didn't need her and acted cool, funny, and confident. I could see her body language change almost immediately. After coffee i told her that I had to run some errands and dropped her off back home to show her that my life doesn't revolve around her. At the end of it all i walked away as the guy who saved the day and the "knight in shining armor" for helping her out and cheering her up. She sent me an email thanking me for everything and said she had a great time.

 

I've been using RobD70's advice:

 

Acting happy and not arguing with her even if she's wrong. I think the most important thing when you're trying to reconcile with an ex that you've hurt or not treated right in the past is to rebuild your image. If there is real potential for getting back together and you can prove that you're not the same person you were when things fell through and always take the "high road," he/she will begin to see more of your positive traits and not look so much at the reasons for the split.

 

As far as my strategy goes, I'm walking a very thin line between No Contact and being too available. Basically keeping contact to a bare minimum and stepping up only the moment is right (ie. the example today). I just hope that I can stay strong and hopefully she'll see her rebound relationship for what it is. Any thoughts?