Don't want to live anymore.

[ResonanceTheory]

Period.

 

I've seen a lot of threads about suicide here lately. December and January were awful. For almost everybody, it seems.

 

I don't really care about what I have or what I don't have. Because, in an instant, circumstances of life can take them all away.

 

At least this gives me control. At least I can say "NO, I don't want to anymore. You can't make me."

[EQD]

i always thought you had a good head on your shoulders about things.

 

"at least this gives me control"

 

what is it you are trying to control?

[karvala]

Yes, I'll second EQ's comments. I always enjoy reading what you write here, and you're obviously very smart, so what is it that brings you to this low point?

[Moz]

But life is for living. You live until you die, so why not just carry on?

[Moz]

What is wrong, can't you talk to the people here or your friends and family?

[ResonanceTheory]

Control over the way things unfold, the steady flow of crap that washes through on a daily, weekly basis. I know the nature of life, I know it is a series of ups and downs, things that you must deal with. But I have dealt. I am tired of dealing. I just want everything to stop for a while, until I say it's okay for it to begin again. But you can't just press "pause". It's stop or play. There's no in-between.

[ResonanceTheory]

Trust me, I know life is finite. I pretty much have sustained myself on the argument that death will eventually come, so why rush to it when I could just have time deliver it unto me.

 

To be honest, I just want a GODDAMN BREAK.

 

I want everyone to take their hands back and stop reaching for things from me. I want to drop all my responsibilities. I want to stop pretending and start life all over again.

[EQD]

Control over the way things unfold, the steady flow of crap that washes through on a daily, weekly basis. I know the nature of life, I know it is a series of ups and downs, things that you must deal with. But I have dealt. I am tired of dealing. I just want everything to stop for a while, until I say it's okay for it to begin again. But you can't just press "pause". It's stop or play. There's no in-between.

 

you are wrong here.

to an extent.

 

You can always remove yourself from your surroundings.

In life you are God, and while you know the ups and downs of life will come and go you cant predict exactly how, what, or when they happen.

 

Extract yourself. That is your pause button. Dont let silly stress get you into thinking cashing in your chips is a 'good' idea.

Just remember.

You dont have to be strong all the time. Its okay to step out and take a breather.

[BrunetteBarbie]

Did anything bad happen?! ...

What can be so bad that you dont want to live anymore??

 

I think every single person on this planet has times where they feel bad, and down, things go wrong, relationships fail, plans dont work out, they dont get something they rly wanted, etc, the self-esteem goes very down... Its part of life, its not nice and wonderful at all the times. I have times where I feel depressed about things but never I thought about taking my whole life away cuz I know its just a period of time, it will pass, then I will be happy again, and you know, it has never failed, always after rain there is sunshine as they say. It is all a matter of how you think, and how you look at things, over the years I have learned to be always positive, think positive, ofc it does not work in all situations, but Im alot happier person now.

 

From ur pic I think you are very young, sometimes I imagine:

If all the ppl in the world who committed suicide, would suddenly be in some supernatural place, and watch their life how it would have been continued if they didnt kill themselves : Im absolutly sure in 99% of all cases they would say, Omg I wouldnt have expect that, I missed out on so many many things, I wish I did not kill myself and stayed alive instead.

 

Pls think about it! Good Luck with everything, I wish you only the best.

[EQD]

Trust me, I know life is finite. I pretty much have sustained myself on the argument that death will eventually come, so why rush to it when I could just have time deliver it unto me.

 

To be honest, I just want a GODDAMN BREAK.

 

I want everyone to take their hands back and stop reaching for things from me. I want to drop all my responsibilities. I want to stop pretending and start life all over again.

 

if you have a job quit it, if you go to school, dont show up, if you have a car, drive to the coast, or the forrest, or to another city.

The beauty is that your options are only limited to your tenacity and what you can imagine.

 

And you have ALOT of tenacity.

[ResonanceTheory]

I know, EQ. I know I am capable of carrying on, because I have been. These past two months, I feel like I have been fighting for my life. I wanted to throw my hands up and scream and say I was done. But I didn't. I kept going, kept pushing forward. I just feel like there's no reward there. Everything that I have done in this past month--all the emotional work that I have put into myself and towards taking my life and righting it--all that effort has kept me barely above water. And as soon as another wave comes, I feel washed under...

 

I feel like there is no one out there to help me but me. I know that it's reality, and I accept it. It just makes me tired--mentally, emotionally.

[EQD]

my god have i ever been there my whole life...

times like these you have to stop thinking about 'just surviving'

you have to take control, but not in the way that you think.

spiritually i find it cleansing to take a big table full of all the crap thats been piling up over the years and just swwwwipe it all off, let that crap fall in the floor and just walk away.

Dont walk away because you have to, walk away because you can.

You will never ride these waves. As much as you modify you will never be above the ups and downs. You will never avoid them.

So watch Fight Club.

 

Best message ever, stop trying to control your life and accept it as it comes.

Carpe Diem!

 

If you want to go where you dont have leeches for friends, if you want to start over someplace new, or if you want to just leave the state for a week, by all means figure out a plan and make it happen. You have alot more power than you are choosing to realize right now.

[ResonanceTheory]

for the past two months, I have wanted very badly to kill myself. Since the beginning of march, I've been getting better. The lapses into deep depression had become fewer and farther between. Today is a lapse.

 

I tried to explain it to my mother, but, bless her heart! She doesn't get it. She had an awfully hard life, and she can't understand how someone who is about to go to grad school and who has their whole life ahead of them could be depressed--and depressed for no reason in particular.

 

But it goes beyond that. I feel trapped in a situation where I have certain obligations. And I am terrified. I am so scared of regretting things.

[Jetta]

Life may suck sometimes but death is permanent. Unless you believe in an afterlife, then you have to deal with the rammifications of suicide. Not to mention those that are left behind.

[EQD]

for the past two months, I have wanted very badly to kill myself. Since the beginning of march, I've been getting better. The lapses into deep depression had become fewer and farther between. Today is a lapse.

 

I tried to explain it to my mother, but, bless her heart! She doesn't get it. She had an awfully hard life, and she can't understand how someone who is about to go to grad school and who has their whole life ahead of them could be depressed--and depressed for no reason in particular.

 

But it goes beyond that. I feel trapped in a situation where I have certain obligations. And I am terrified. I am so scared of regretting things.

 

hm. well i understand why you feel the way you do.

you are a very smart smart woman and you have fears, and you feel suffocated by 'obligations'

i get that. i've been through it. its terrible.

scared of regretting things?

live everyday like its the first and last day of your life.

 

if you died tomorrow what would you regret right now?

[Will D Ness]

...

 

To be honest, I just want a GODDAMN BREAK.

 

...

 

Resonance,

 

I sense a certain despair in your posts. I know you must be hurting and I know you must be overwhelmed. Life can be that way many times to the extreme and generally it is the giving, compassion-giver personalities that becomes it first victims. Is that you? One that gave and gave and gave and gave until you just can't give anymore? That sounds like how you feel.

 

If you are a "giver" personality who has just given too much, "compassion fatigue" can be a real threat. It makes you despair and talk much like what I hear from you. The solution is not to "quit caring." That would be like telling a musician to quit writing songs or performing--the very thing they need to move them through the crisis. You don't need to quit caring, you need to move yourself outside of range of the many needs around you. Take a few steps away and care from a distance.

 

You've got a lot of good people sending many good thoughts your way. I hope you're taking time to read and process what they've been writing.

 

Let me ask you about the phrase above. Do you think you have a feeling about what that "break" might look like? Can you describe what you need from it?

 

What you are experiencing won't last forever. Continue to wake up each day expecting it to get better, because it will. I promise.

 

All the best.

[ResonanceTheory]

To be honest, if I died I wouldn't regret much besides dying. Nothing has been done yet that I haven't righted--that is what these past two months have been for--working towards making things right again, getting forgiveness, keeping the sticky side down. However, I feel like I have put it all out there to the best of my ability and I'm just exhausted from it. I'm waiting on the returns from my "investments", but it just seems like all people can do is hold their hand out to me again, asking for more and more until I have nothing left to give, or no more energy to give it.

 

I am not the type to give up easily, so when I get to this point, instead of just walking away and doing something for myself instead of thinking about the consequences, I bury myself in a hole of grief and worry.

 

For a break--I'd like some peace. I'd like someone to just tell me that I am going the right way. I'd like a pat on the back. I'd like someone to tell me that I've done a great job and I can just sit back and ride the ride for a while, and someone else will do the walking on eggshells, someone else will deal with the dissatisfaction and uncertainty.

 

Thanks for everybody's input, it does help. I'm sorry if I'm just sounding like a stubborn brat.

[Will D Ness]

Well, obviously I don't know you so "patting on the back" might be a little patronizing. But I'll say this, if you have been spending some time "righting" some wronged relationships, that makes you a rare individual indeed. My goodness, do you know how uncommon that is, someone who retraces their messes and tries to clean them up? It's so rare as to be suspicious. Most people just walk away.

 

And yes, you are exactly right. We live in a world where everyone has their hands out. It is "Narcissism Gone Wild." One study I read recently suggested that over 90% of a conversation between two people is spent either talking or thinking about what you'll say when you next get to talk. Ouch. No one just listens anymore. That's pitiful.

 

Have you noticed that when you try to make new friends, they rarely come away from the initial meeting with you knowing anything about you? They usually judge the potential of the friendship with you by how much about themselves they communicated to you. Few people actually know how to sincerely say, in conversation, "Now, tell me about yourself." One woman I know told me that without question the most intoxicating, sexy thing about a man is his ability to do that very thing--stare deep into her eyes, ask her about herself, and actually listen and care! Wow.

 

You said in your post, "You don't give up easily." "You don't walk away" and "you are trying to make things right." OK. I've got what I need to say this honestly...

 

You are quite rare and I think you ARE doing something very, very right. Keep it up. I have no doubt you are tired but we need many, many more like you.

 

Have a great rest of the week.

[ResonanceTheory]

Thank you all very much. I feel a lot better.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

Sorry that this post took me so long, and if you're feeling great now, then no worries. I hope you won't mind that I post it anyways...

 

Creation is a painful process. Whenever we desire to create something, we're starting with chaos in the physical and an idea in our minds. And inevitably, we're trying to put it into some sort of order that achieves a purpose, whether that purpose be function or beauty. Often it's both. And the more complex the idea is, the more painful the process.

 

Michaelangelo's Sisteen Chapel took years to complete. And he worked on his back at a height of 65 feet with paint dripping on him through the long hours of the day.

 

The new Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC took thousands of people working for years to complete and over $500 million dollars. It's the longest cable-stay suspension bridge in North America and it stretches 3 miles accross water with a surface height at 300 feet, and the summit of the support towers at over 600 ft high. It has 8 lanes for traffic and a pedestrian lane, And it's absolutely spectacular to look at at night. But when that bridge was 90% complete, as amazing as it was to behold, it couldn't take any traffic. It went, in the blink of an eye, from being a work in progress, to something that helped carry thousands of cars per day accross the water.

 

The building of our lives isn't that different. It's a process, and depending on our intended purpose, it may take only a moderate amount of time or it may take a frustratingly long amount of time. Looking at the Cooper River Bridge at 90% complete, what person would say all that work was for nothing - just because right now, it can't carry a single car accross the water? I doubt anyone would say that. Because they know with just a little more time, the completed work will be worth all the pain, sweat, set-backs, and unforeseen problems that occurred during its construction. Nothing that complex can be built perfectly smoothly. There are just too many variables.

 

The building of our lives is much more complex than the building of a bridge. And the result is much more beautiful than the Sisteen Chapel, if we'll allow the process to come to completion. But it can't be done without pain, without setbacks, without some tears... a lot of tears usually.

 

RT, all your work has not been for nothing. You're a work in progress and everything you feel is normal. When you're finally completed to your purpose, you'll see how amazing and strong you are. You'll look back at this moment and know that all the bad things had to happen because building something as amazing as you couldn't possibly be accomplished without bumps in the road.

 

You'll make it, I'm sure of it. Keep pressing.

[lost1607307474]

Trust me, I know life is finite. I pretty much have sustained myself on the argument that death will eventually come, so why rush to it when I could just have time deliver it unto me.

 

To be honest, I just want a GODDAMN BREAK.

 

I want everyone to take their hands back and stop reaching for things from me. I want to drop all my responsibilities. I want to stop pretending and start life all over again.

 

I agree. You can always push 'pause' - I do it several times in a week, sometimes several times in a day. I am going through a stressful time in my life right now, full of downs and ups, tragedy, depression, everything. And sometimes I just think, 'I don't want to deal with this at the moment, I'm tired of dealing.' I lie down somewhere quiet, close my eyes, shut off my brain, and just don't deal with anything.

 

You say that you want a break. Committing suicide isn't a break. It is forever.

 

I think you should take a break. Take time off work, school, life. Take some time to learn about the beautiful person that you are, and rediscover all the wonderful reasons why you are here. I hope you're okay, you can always PM me if you ned to talk.

[karvala]

You don't at all sound like a stubborn brat; you're just expressing some very real feelings, and I can entirely understand where you're coming from. It is admirable the way you have fought these feelings, and continue to fight them, and try to do the right thing.

 

If I could make one observation, though, based on what you say above, it would be the following. I sometimes say that the happy people are not the ones that have the answers, they're the ones that don't ask the questions. Another version of that, for you, would be that almost nobody ever feels like they have a pat on the back, but only those that look for it notice it's absence and feel sad as a result.

 

I entirely understand what you want, and I entirely understand why you want it, but at the risk of providing a counsel of despair, I don't think it's really achievable in this world. Other people rarely provide any true, selfless succour for us in my experience; in that sense, your best path to feeling better is to play the game that others play, to extract what you need from other people, who will expect you to do that, because it will rarely be given freely.

 

Well, I imagine that didn't cheer you up, so have a ludicrous smiley instead.