"When the love stops...and the hate begins"!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME

[7out102]

Hello Friends,

 

As I post her today i have feelings of mixed emotions. Its been about three years since i have been on this site. I love to see that their is a huge group of people that take the time to help others. On the other hand I dislike the fact that I have to be back here posting.

 

I will try to keep this as brief as possible and hopefully someone can shed some light and give me some advice. Im hanging by a thread its almost going to snap.

A little over a month ago the love of my life kicked me out of our house. e had been together for almost two years and living together for almost a year. I had so many plans and my future included her. I recently put a deposit on a ring and was planning in months to finsh paying it off, getting her parents blessing, and asking for her hand in marrige. Thats all her family and my family and us talked about. Weeks prior to our split we were talking about wedding places and we thought somewhere like Hawaii would be nice. I gave her everything she ever wanted. The house was a fixer upper and I made it a beautufull place putting alot of money into. I bought the furniture, landscaped the yard, you name it, all to make her happy and she was. We had a great time together.

My ex is in a very high stress job that requires 15 hour workdays and traveling alot. She hates it and would cry to me everynight about how depressed she is and that she hates her life because of work. I would stand by her and try my best to support her. I have a successfull job and I tried to take her away from hers to make her happy but she ws afraid with the economy to walk away. I can understand that. Within the last couple months I guess I started to grow resentment to all of this. I never saw her or could ever do anything nice for her. Like clockwork, I would work on the house all day, fix the yard, shovel snow, clean the house, make sure everything was clean before she got home. Everynight I would have dinner ready for her when she got home, she would eat, fall asleep on the couch. I would carry her to bed then go do the dishes. This was everyday of my life.

Throughout this I got so hurt because she was never able to give back to me. Her worked sucked the life out of her. I started to get angry and we would fight. At times I thought maybe there was someone else or that she didnt love me anymore. When i tried to talk to her it just grew into a fight. Finally after months of fighting it was over. I have had a terrible year with the death of my grandmother, the father getting diagnosed with cancer, and two other family deaths. She was very supportive over this time however i was angry at the world.

Anyways she ended up asking me for space and I got made and just said F it like the idiot i can be and told her i was moving out completely. I walked away from the house leaving her everything. Everything i bought, all my hard work, everything. I didnt want to put her in a bad spot. In the meantime i have been living in hotels because I really dont have a place to stay.

Then the devil comes out. My ex hates me so much and I dont know why. She has told me i am a looser that she hopes I end up dead. the worst stuff imaginable she has said to me. I just cry and cry because she is so hurtfull. I have lost everything and walked away from everything. I asked her if she met someone and she denied it and was so hurtfull that I ever thought that. I just cant seem to understand why someone can be so mean. It almost seems like she had a mental breakdown and just snapped with her job and all. I dont even know who this person is. The last time we spoke she cried and cried to me about how she lost everything beause of her stupid F^&%## job an she hated her life. The crappy part is when I asked her what she lost, she never mentioned me.

Thanks my friends for listening. I just miss her and i love her so much but I dont know why she is so mean to me. I never cheated on her or hit her. I loved her with all my heart.

[NJRon]

When people are that angry it really shows how much they cared. If they didn't, they wouldn't be so angry. Obviously, I don't know the whole story. However, I would venture to say that you leaving really hurt her.

[Ac143]

When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind....is she is in a very very bad place in her life right now & really HATES her job & needed you by her side so when you left...she got very angry. I think it hurt her more then you know. You were probably the only thing she was happy with & now that you left...she is feeling completely crazy.

 

That's just the first vibe I got from reading this, but of course there might be a lot more to this story?

[ToodlePip]

I guess the difficulty is that she asked you for space, and you gave it to her. As bad as her job was, it doesn't sound like she was putting much effort into the relationship. I think her anger at this stage is because deep down she probably realises what she caused but can't accept it yet so is focussing on blaming you.

 

All you can do is hope that she deals internally with what happened and grows from it to the point where she realises that if you want to be with someone, sacrifices must be made. In this case, her job was affecting her ability to be in the relationship. She chose the job over you. Potentially maybe it was a mistake to be so "nice" to her during that phase. I've learnt at my cost that communicating unhappiness is always better than bottling it up.

 

If you'd said earlier on that you were unhappy with the situation and would have to walk away unless it changed, she may have snapped up and refocussed on what she wanted. Tough call, dude, feel for you. It's never easy when in the thick of things.

[7out102]

Hey Guys-

 

Thank you for your quick reply. Its funny what you both said is almost exactly what my mom said, word for word. I never wanted to leave but ist what she wanted. I got so jealous because her job took all of my baby. She would be getting phone calls all day on her days off when we tried to be togther. Its funny because when we had a break during xmas we never fought, it was amazing. Thats when we were talking about marrige and wedding destinations. Then BAM as soon as she is thrown back into the wolves with her work, she becomes a very different person. I feel so bad for ever asking me about someone else or for her love for me because she takes that as I didnt trust her, which is not the case. I would stand in front of the man upstairs nd tell hime I trusted me ex. Its just I grew so sad and lonely. i was tired of seeing her hurting and depressed becasue of her job. The other day she said she wanted to kill herself because she was so miserbale and that she lost everything. I would honestly tell you guys that 95% of our fights were about her job.

I just got so tired of doing everything around the house and working so hard. I mean i would cut trees down in the backyard and shovel snow until six at night then be so tired but i would always have dinner ready for her. I never got that kinda stuff back.

I have gone into NC because I believe that is what i need. She has said such hurtfull things. I would rather find out she is with somone else than be mean to me. Telling me that she hopes i never find happiness again, etc... I mean come one. I know she is very unhappy and in a bad place but only she can change that, i tried my best. Thank u all for you help

[ToodlePip]

I know she is very unhappy and in a bad place but only she can change that, i tried my best. Thank u all for you help

 

That's exactely right. I was her at one point and lost my then love. I have also been on the receiving end of it. Neither is pleasant for all involved. Life is full of great times and tough breaks. NC is best, let her anger dissipate and if you're "lucky" she might figure her stuff out and ask to talk. Just make sure you don't say or do anything nasty to her again, like the F you bit. Detached, calm, and if she's flipping out, walk away temporarily telling her that you will not engage in an argument, and that some time not talking will allow you both to calm down and look at things clearly.

 

Having been in her shoes, I can promise you that this sort of event is absolutely life-chaning, and results in major psychological pain for her. So please try and keep her behaviour in perspective, as unpleasant as it is to be on the receiving end!

[7out102]

ToodlePip-

 

Thank u brother for your advice. Its great how a complete stranger lends great advice. I appreciate it greatly. Its just hard because of hurtfull she is. I have had ex's break up with me in the past and its never been so hurtfull. I guess this is how it goes sometimes. Despite what my family tells me i just walked away and gave her everything. For Xmas i bought her a little puppy that she wanted( i forget the kind..a lap dog) I spent almost 1400 bucks on it because she thought that it would cheer her up. I mean i have not asked her for any furniture, pots and pans, money, nothing. I mean i literally walked away with nothing. I feel that if she has any heart that has to kill her inside. Everytime she goes home she seess all the work I have done and all the stuff I bought. I just wish she would tell me she was sorry for all the mean things she has said, thats all I ask.

Maybe she will wake up and see what has happened but i think that it will take her leaving that job or a career change before. Its been day three of NC since that night she told me how miserable she was and its killing me. ToodlePip we had a alot of love for a very longtime and it sucks to see a job tear it apart. Thanks again for your support. Im so alone right now and sad, I need it. thank you!!!!

[thejigsup]

My bf is a successful attorney and he never gets a day off. He works 12-14 hour days, gets phone calls 24/7, and in general is very busy with his career. I never would think of complaining to him about it because his career is his life, as mine is my life. I, too, work long hours and have little free time. I'm a big girl and don't complain about any of this. We have a large house with a swimming pool and spa that is paid for, jobs we love, nice cars, and an understanding that we got all of this through hard work. So many people in this country are losing their jobs and homes that I am thankful for what we have. Go back to her this instant and be thankful you met a woman who works hard for what she has and doesn't expect a man to support her. You rejected her career which means in her eyes you rejected her. Make her see that is not so. She sounds like a classy woman and those are hard to find!

[Ac143]

I agree with a lot of this & I think she needs you. Even if she said she wanted you gone, I dont believe that to be true...she seems very stressed out & of course its not a reason to say bad things or put your relationship on the back burner but this is something that seems you guy can work out. I really hope you do, seems like you two had something good going but the daily stresses of work & you feeling neglected made this relationship crumble...with alittle communciation, love & care I believe it can be fixed. Maybe a mini vacation to bring the spark back?

[7out102]

thejigsu-

Thank you for your reply. You see nothing made me more than my ex's work ethic and how well she did her job and so on. However wait started to kill me was her depression from her job. Usually she would be off Sundays and we spend the day together and then have dinner at either her parenst or mine. Then as soon as she would get home she would get all sad because of the week ahead and start to cry. It just killed me. I tried my best to make her happy but I couldnt do enough. I wish that i could go back but she hates me. Since this break up she has been so so mean and says the most hurtfull things. I feel that she truly hates me. I have been there and been so nice to her even after all the stuff she says. She will feel bad, says she sorry then she snaps on me again. She asked me the other day "why do I care what happens to her or how she is doing" i said because I care about you. She then says "do u think I go throughout the day and think about you even for a second" Honestly, if she needed me, she would not say this stuff.

Do you think I need to remain NC to hopefuly have her calm down. maybe she is just so angry at the situation she cant see what is actually happening. Maybe she does need me, but I tell you Thejigsup, she sure makes me feel like I never meant anything to her.Thank you so much for your help

[7out102]

AC143-

Thank you also for your reply. The help means so much. I wish that I could be back in her life. I just found out within that last hour that she is quitting her job. She talked with my mom via email and told her. Now im really hurt. I mean thats all I wanted her to do when we were together and now that she broke up with me she realizes that she needs to quit. I was going to help her while she was looking for a job. I make enough money to do that. Oh well I guess when it rains it pours.

We did have a great relationship. Her family adored me and i was very close to them. Now im sure they hate me and think im a terrible person. Im happy that she finally realized that her job was ruining everything around it but i just wish that she would have done that when we were together. I guess she had to loose me in order to see it. She asked me to leave so as much as i tired to get back I cant unless she wants that. It would take sometime if thats eve a possibility which I doubt, governed by the harsh things she says to me. I told her the other day that "she can never make me hate her, no matter what".

It just seems that you never hear great stories of love coming back. I mean i hear about it once in awhile I guess. I just worry that her family hates me. I know my parents despite her hurting me and saying such terrible things still would welcome her in their house anyday. Like you all, they think that she had a mental breakdown and who she is right now is not the girl that always thought of a as duaghter-in-law.

[7out102]

ac143-

 

I wish I can just have time to sit down and talk with her, but she has so much anger towards me, its not even possible at this time. Either she still loves me deeply and her hurt she has is causing her to act this way or she truly hates me like she has said to me countless times since the break up. I wish I could have siad fine lets just take some space but I blew it and got mad. I guess I was acting out of hurt feelings. Things may have been different, maybe?

Since she got her promotiopn at work almost a year ago I have not been able to take her anywhere. All my friends would be going on vactions with their wifes or gf's and i never could do any of that. Its been such a tough year for me with all my family tradgedy, loosing her now just kills me. There are days I get these anxiety attacks and i can barely breath. I miss her so much and I just want to touch her again and hold her. I said in my earlier post that i put two grand down on a wedding ring that I cant get back. It was the ring she wanted and it just kills me. oh well, what can you do? I can honestly say that if she was in a different profession or would have quit like she did earlier, I wouldnt not be where im at today. Thanks again for your help

[Ac143]

Are you sure she really quit her job? Or is she just saying that to get a reaction out of you? I think she knows that her job put a strain on your relationship SO she wanted to throw that in there somewhere when talking to your mom.

 

I dont think she really hates you, at least not from what you wrote. Doesn't sound like you treated her badly in the relationship so why would she HATE you? Hate is a very very strong emotion... I think she is just very hurt & reacting this way. Do I think you should talk to her now? I dont know really....

 

I mean if someone doesn't want to talk then what else can you do, right? But I do believe if you give her some time/space & IF she really quit her job, I bet it will clear her mind & she might see this whole thing differently.

 

Another thing, you sound like a really good guy. You are even concerned that her family might not like you right now. If they know the "real" you they dont hate you, you have done alot for this woman. Just like your family knows the way she is acting isn't the girl they knew, know what I mean?

 

Give her a week or two...then maybe reach out to her. Every relationship goes thru a rough patch, its just the way we deal/fix it ...is what makes the difference.

[7out102]

ac143-

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know that i am a good person and although towards the last weeks of our relationship I might have got angry but I can honestly say that I gave her everything possible to make her happy. I tried my very best. You see ac143, my whole life I have always made sure to put everybody in front of myself. Whether it was my family or my relationships and i worried alot. I worried about everybody. So u see when my ex was struggling with her job and wasnt happy all i wanted to do was fix it, try to make her happy. However it was a uphill battle and i always lost.

Yes she talked to her boss already. I didnt think that she would ever quit but she did and if she finds happiness from it then im so happy for her. If im included in her happiness I would be so greatful. This NC is so hard. I think about so much crap. I wonder if maybe she fell inlove with someone else thats why she hant called and thats why she is so mean. I wonder if she went back to old flame. i wonder if really she does hate me. I sometimes agree that she doesnt hate me like you said but then I begin to cry because I keep hearing her say that over and over in my head.

I agree i should wait but its been a month, I guess thats not a really longtime to be apart, or is it. Do you know of any sucessfull relationships that had break ups? If you have time maybe you can share one. Thank you so much again. I hope you are right about her family. they truly loved me and i did so much for them and they have to know how much I loved their daughter.

[Ac143]

Another thing why is she still emailing/talking to your mom?

 

I have known a lot of relationships that took breaks or had breaks up & got back together, some lasted others didnt. The thing with this site is most people come here when they are going thru a break up. Once they heal or get back with their ex they dont come back (most dont) to share their story. NC is extremely hard & you can drive yourself absoutely CRAZY thinking this or that, what ifs etc...If you love this girl, I think you should talk to her, maybe in a week or so. Let it out on the table, tell her how you want to marry her etc...If she rejects you, it will have to be time to move on & get some of your stuff back!! I can't believe you left everything there....

[7out102]

ac143-

I know. Sometimes I wonder why I left everything there but in the end, im happy i did. This is why. I would rather have nothing with no real place to live, no furniture, nothing than see her sruggle trying to get the stuff that I took. I mean I put thousands into the house which was under her name. I bought all new furniture and appliances. All my hard work and countless hours I spent making that house as amazing as it is. I just dont wanna take anything from her. I mean if i went in there and took what is mine then I can see her having a reason to hate me so much, but i didnt. I took my clothes and that was it. NC is brutal but I know its necessary. My mom told me that she emiled her actually four days ago but my mom just checked it today.

Let me ask you, should i wait to see if she actually calls me and is friendly or just beg her to sit down and talk with me. You see I worry because if she is so angry right now, I dont know if it will do any good to talk to her about this stuff right now, you know?

I agree with you aobout people not coming back her to post success stories because it would be nice to read about. I know that I would post a success story for sure.. Thanks ac143, thank you

[Ac143]

No dont beg because you dont want to talk to someone when they are angry - of course nothing good will come out of that. I would wait to see if she calls.

 

let me ask you - when was the last time you two talked & how did the converstation go?

[7out102]

Ac143-

 

The last time we spoke she was an emotional wreck. That was three days ago, i think. She was telling me how much she hated her life, that she has nothing to life for and that she has lost everything. I told her I dont care about "us" or what happened but I was trying to help her and listen to her. She never once mentioned that she lost me too which hurt but how she lost everything else because of her job. Her best friend was coming over to talk with her so I let her go. She texted me later saying she felt better and she was getting ready for bed.

That was the last we spoke. I had to text her something about the house today and said texted me back with a somwhat bitter text. I wish I never texted her. Again im sure she is angry because she is at work under alot of stress. I just dont understand it anymore!!! Honestly I wish she would go talk to a therapist because she is so unhappy. Do u think that part of her unhappiness has to be about the loss of me too or is she real this unhappy because of her job. She says she lost everything but really the only thing she lost was me. If somebody had to compare who lost the most, its me by a longshot. I meam I have been living between three places, mostly a crappy motel. I have put all my money into the house so getting my own place right now is out of the question.

[ToodlePip]

I agree with the others. I think what's probably key here is communicating clearly how you feel about her, and also that you are not willing to talk while she's being abusive, but she is welcome to sit down with you and disuss things like adults. If you make yourself available during her rage moments you may create a situation where she feels it's acceptable to communicate with you like that. But just make sure you communicate this as lovingly as possible so she doesn't think you are pushing her away.

 

PS: I'm sure she's unhappy about the loss of you but maybe too proud to say it. Just respond to anything abusive or bitter with, something like I love you and want to discuss things, but please get in touch when you feel more open to talking neutrall. Not sure how best to word it, maybe someone more experienced can suggest something? You need to break this cycle!

[7out102]

Hey friends does anyone else have any advice for me.. Thanks everybody

[7out102]

toddlepip-

 

I know that your are right. The problem is right now she is working so many hours at work that I cant even seem to talk with her. It results in text messages that always seem to come out the wrong way. You know how text messages go, im sure. You say one thing and they take it totally different. I had a few text messages and it ended totally bad tonight. I wish i never wold have contacted her because there was no need to. I just hate feeling like someone hates you. I guess thats how some people go about things. I think I just need to let it go for the time being my brother. I try to text her and it just gets taken the wrong way. At some point she needs to face all this stuff one way or another. I love this women with all my heart but it might not be enough.

When u said you were in my ex's shoes, what was your situation? Was it a job or something else? Your advice is great my friend..Thank you

[7out102]

Ac143-

Its so hard to deal with this right. With my sick father all the intention is focused on him as it should be. I used to have my gf to talk to and help me through this and now I dont. I watch my father drink so much at night and take pain pills. He has been a alcoholic for years... I just wish I could turn back the hand in time and have my girl back. I texted her tonight about my dad and she didnt return my text, as I expected. I dont know ac143, im think im going off the deep end this time.

It says that you are you are going to be MRS soon. Is that true. Good for you. Anyways thanks for your advice and help. I appreciate it

[ToodlePip]

Totally know what you mean with text messages. So much so that when I was in a similarish situation with you (ie. major communication breakdown) I would reply to any text about our relationship with "I'm sorry, but I don't think it's appropriate to talk about us by text as things can be misinterpreted. If you would like us to talk, feel free to call me or meet up face to face."

 

To be perfectly honest, I can't say much about when I was in her shoes - it was a few years ago and I've been relationship hopping since to escape the fact I had a problem which I've only just realised recently. I've started therapy a few weeks ago to investigate so am only scratching the surface. Bottom line is that I think at this stage it was something to do with not being able to communicate what I thought, maybe out of fear, and building resentment. What MAY have been happening is that deep down she knew that she might lose you by working such long hours. So she starts feeling guilty and resentful towards herself. And there you are being nice to her. Which makes her feel even worse, but she can rationalise that it's YOUR actions making her feel bad. So now you're getting the resulting whiplash. What I'm beggining to realise is that my lashing out had nothing to do with the other person, but due to unresolved issues I had with MYSELF. Problem is that I ruined two relationships since then due to continuing this behaviour. Thankfully I've recognised I have an issue and am addressing it, but it took 7 years... I will say that all along I knew it was me and not them, but some of us can be dense and very good at deluding ourselves

[Ac143]

Ac143-

Its so hard to deal with this right. With my sick father all the intention is focused on him as it should be. I used to have my gf to talk to and help me through this and now I dont. I watch my father drink so much at night and take pain pills. He has been a alcoholic for years... I just wish I could turn back the hand in time and have my girl back. I texted her tonight about my dad and she didnt return my text, as I expected. I dont know ac143, im think im going off the deep end this time.

It says that you are you are going to be MRS soon. Is that true. Good for you. Anyways thanks for your advice and help. I appreciate it

 

Hey 7 - its so sad to hear about your father but believe me I know what that's like. My dad is an alcholic, has been for yrs. My SO's father was too & he took pain pills as well. Its very difficult to deal with. If you want/need someone to talk to you about your dad, you can send me a private message. I have been there for many yrs, dealing with my dad.

 

Yes me and my SO are getting married in June, we got engaged this January so the wedding will be small/private but been together for 3yrs.

 

As for your ex, I know this is soooo easy for ME to say but please dont call/text her PLEASE. Let her contact you. Focus on YOU & not her for now. I know its hard but you will be ok, I promise you.

[7out102]

Hey Ac143-

My ex just called. How do I pm you? Do i do it under private messgaes