I hate and resent those who "get some"

[shyguy1]

Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth and I've always been a somewhat uncensored person and unafraid to state what's on my mind... regardless of it "offending" someone.

 

Here I am.. blame it on underlying factors.. depression, no self esteem/self worth.. shyness... no confidence to speak of.. etc etc etc.... blah.... blah.. blah..blah..blah.. a virgin at nearly 30.

 

A person who's only had one serious relationship in his life and has only gone on enough dates to count with one hand... minus a finger or two... none of which have taken place for over a decade.

 

Sure I'm shy... sure I lack self esteem and self worth and have depression.

 

Are any of these things my fault? Shouldn't someone at some point taken into account and thought to themselves "gee despite all his faults, he's an alright guy... won't treat me like crap like so many guys have and is worth a try?

 

I guess that's an overly idealistic way of looking at things. The dating world is a jungle, as is the sexual world. One could say that I don't know what I'm missing and thus shouldn't care.. and while that's true to a certain extent, at the same time one can't help but be curious... especially at my age. People nowadays on average start having sex, right around the time they start driving... here I am twice that age and still as clueless as a newborn.

 

I realize I've been posting on here for sometime and have yet to actually 'do something' in terms of therapy and/or medication.. but due to a recent pay cut and hour cut at work.. due in part to our current economic struggles, getting help isn't an option.

 

I don't want to resent and hate those in relationships and those who have regular sex, but then I see what scumbags some of those people are that are either in relationships.. or having sex and I can't help but resent them.

 

They say life's not fair and this sort of thing is a perfect example of as much. Why should abusers... cheaters.... and ego maniacs continue to know what sex is like... (one can only hear how 'wonderful' it is so long, without experiencing it themselves before wanting to puke) and in many occasions have relationships... all the while convincing misguided girls to give them second.. third.. fourth.. and fifth chances... while guys who would treat them right are left on the wayside.. and in the truly unfortunate cases (such as my own) left to use their hand even for basic sexual relief.

 

Look at this point I'm pretty much a lost cause and I understand and semi reluctantly accept as much. I'm likely to die alone and lonely and as pathetic as it may seem, will likely also die never knowing what sex is like..... whether it be intercourse.. or receiving or giving oral sex, that doesn't mean that I wish my fate upon others.

 

When I see or hear about a shy guy... a depressed guy... or a guy who lacks confidence and is consistently given the shaft by the opposite sex... I just want to sit them down.. give them a hug and let them know it's going to be ok.

 

I would never want to see someone else go through what I'm going through emotionally

[Rah]

Yes, your reply was a bit blunt, but I can see where you are coming from. I have been in a serious relationship for about three years now and I get next to none.

 

Sex doesn't make one happy. It's definitely a nice pick me up, but it's not a sure fire route to happiness. I don't know the whole story with you, but if the heaviest guy in the world can get married and get laid regularly than you can. Unfortunately rejection is a huge part of the game. You have to get out of your comfort zone and ask a ton of chicks out. Try speed dating or random hook up sites. You most likely aren't going to find true love that way, but it's worth a shot. Also, if you are just looking to get some, try the Palms in Las Vegas. If you really want to find "true love", then start checking out groups based around the things you are into. Be prepared to get turned down 90% of the time, and remember that it's not you...it's them. Seriously! There is someone out there for everyone. You only need to watch one episode of Jerry Springer to realize you are a better catch than a lot of those people out there.

[karvala]

Sure I'm shy... sure I lack self esteem and self worth and have depression.

 

Are any of these things my fault? Shouldn't someone at some point taken into account and thought to themselves "gee despite all his faults, he's an alright guy... won't treat me like crap like so many guys have and is worth a try?

 

And this is why you remain alone.

 

As you advocate blunt speaking, I'll be blunt with you too. Are any of those things your fault? Yes, they're all your fault. And your inability to accept that is what keeps you in your current state. I have a friend who used to carry a bag with the slogan "The world doesn't owe you anything; it was here first!". Why should someone else give you a chance as you are? Why isn't it your responsibility to make some useful changes in the way you approach yourself and your life? Everyone in this world has their own agenda; nobody is going to suspend theirs just to do you a favor and have a relationship with you. You need to fit in with the system, not expect the system to change, because it's not going to, regardless of how fair or otherwise you feel it is. Screaming "it's not fair" from the sidelines while everyone else gets on with it isn't going to achieve anything unfortunately.

 

I know that change is difficult, and sometimes we can manage it, and sometimes it seems that we can't. But I have another friend who is a counsellor, who likes to say "if you aim at nothing, you're sure to hit". No matter how hard it is, and no matter how much you may fail in the attempt, it is imperative that you continue to try. You should wake up each morning and ask yourself "How can I improve myself? How can I make myself more desirable to someone?".

 

No doubt you will argue, and tell yourself (and possibly me) that change is impossible, and you're doomed to remain the way you are, and it's everyone else's fault, and there's nothing you can do about it. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the arguments are wasted on me. At the end of the day, it is only yourself that you are convincing and only yourself that you are harming.

 

I'm sorry for the tough love, but right now you need that a lot more than sympathy. Take up the challenge, and live a real life.

[tom1607307597]

I know I'm almost 10 years younger but I get what you're saying. My old roommate was in a frat and would party probably at least 3 times a week. Alot of the time I would overhear stuff about him hooking up with a girl every weekend. Whether it's true or not I don't really know, but it really bugged me knowing that he could just go out there and get laid w/o a problem, and here I was still struggling to get a date. Then again he didn't seem the type to be looking for any meaningful relationship, he wasn't looking for a serious girlfriend or anything like that.

 

Personally I believe that as much as shy guys can have serious setbacks with dating, they need to try approaching girls more. I'm shy too so I really believe that to be true. Most of my bad luck with dating can be attributed to me not putting myself out there and having the confidence to go after girls I want.

[CrazyKing]

Let's talk seriously - you won't get any luckier if you manage to penetrate a woman...

It will just give you a little feeling of having accomplished something you've been waiting for quite long, but it won't cease the cause of your depression...

[shyguy1]

Don't know if I can get out of my comfort zone and I don't see myself ever asking a lot of chicks out... fear the rejection too much.. and yes I realize that's part of the game. Sometimes wish girls would ask guys out more often, instead of expecting the guy to almost always do it.. would make things a lot easier for those of us who are shy.

 

I just know realistically I can't handle getting turned down 90 percent of the time and while I appreciate the notion of someone being out there for everyone, I can't help but disagree... do I feel there's someone out there for most? Yes I do..... but there's a far cry from most and everyone. One only need look at the sheer number of hopeless singles out there.

 

 

 

No need to apologize about the "tough love" I agree to an extent about those issues being my fault and I disagree to an extent as well.

 

I certainly didn't ask to be born with those issues on one hand, on the other hand it can said that I'm not doing enough to fix them...

 

I'll preface that by saying in the past, my not doing anything about it was perhaps a legitimate complaint... anymore with my unexpected pay cut and hour cut at work, I'm having enough trouble simply eating and paying bills and rent at the same time.. so it's no longer a legitimate complaint.

 

Heck a couple weeks back I was on a "chip" diet... as in potato chips, that was literally all I ate for four out of the seven days in a week... due to being broke and already having chips here.

 

When it comes down to it, would I love to make myself more desirable to a person and to and to improve myself? Sure... but the fact remains that having battled things like depression and my lack of confidence for as long as I have, it's become apparent that it's caused by something along the lines of a chemical imbalance and no amount of simply 'wanting' to improve things is going to work.. without attacking the root of the problem via therapy and/or meds.. and until my pay goes up (thankfully this is only supposed to be a temporary pay and hour reduction.. hopefully come late Spring things will be back to normal) I can't attack said root of the problem and am left screwed.

[cyberdog]

I'm a little shy myself, but I do have a small group of friends. At times in the past I've meet girls through them and dated a couple. For people who are very shy, I don't see anything wrong with using the internet (well I don't see anything wrong with it for people who are not shy either). I've heard from some of my other friends that there are a few places, local singles site or whatnot. I'd personally be paranoid about using the internet for other reasons though, like meeting some psycho-maniacs or something but I guess you can always do background checks.

[shyguy1]

This will save me from making a whole new thread....

 

 

On a semi related note and one of the reasons I'm so bitter... I've been battling health issues for the past six years or so... issues I should have gotten checked out before my place of employment screwed me and while I was still making pretty decent money. I've long been stubborn and since they always tend to go away anyway, I never did get things checked out.

 

I won't go into major details, but simply say the issues tend to come and go every six months to a year...and when they are there they last a week or two typically (although I'm currently going through a spell that's lasted closer to a month with no end in sight)

 

Long story short while I admit to being somewhat of a hypochondriac, the symptoms are very similar to Relapsing-Remitting MS. Wrist numbness (sometimes associated with a pin and needle feeling in the wrists as well), muscle weakness, severe fatigue, back and knee pain and during this latest episode... slight cloudy vision in my right eye.

 

It's likely not MS, the symptoms seem too mild... but regardless of what it is, it's likely not good and it makes me reflect on what I've missed out upon... being loved... and loving someone else and yes sex being a few of said things... thus this thread.

 

Regardless I can't afford to get it checked out any more than I can my mental issues, so if it ends up being something severe and I croak.. then I guess that's simply the way it is.

[top bloke]

Life is a challenge. If you want to eat you hunt.if you dont hunt in life you will never eat. If you want to watch others hunt then dont resent the world or feel sorry for yourself if you are sitting there. the key is to get up and chase what you want.

[cyberdog]

Also there are some people who have a problem called social anxiety. I've heard that some people have it to the extend of becoming very uneasy, light-headed, extremely sweaty, etc, when in large groups of people or open spaces with moderate people, even when they are not the center of attention, and have to be prescribed medications to reduce it. I don't know much about it though but I can't imagine something like that. (I had a friend in college who got that way when she walked from her dorm room to class)

[Rah]

I understand being shy and fearing rejection. I too have my share of health issues. Definitely way more issues than any "normal" 22 year old should have. I also understand having a serious fear of rejection. It hurts...A LOT. That never stops. But one thing that I have learned, is that you need to love yourself before you can truly love another. I know that sounds hokey, but if you find a way to realize how special you are and what you have to offer the world, then you are in a much better position to show someone else those traits.

[delphi88]

Ok, I know how you feel and how hard it is to pick yourself up, especially when you're in a cycle of depression. But seriously, nothing will change unless you make some big changes in your life. Can you look for a new job? Can you move? Sometimes doing something big and scary can shake you up and give you a new energy for life. I only started to enjoy life more when I put myself out there. i know everyone says it, but it's true. At the very least you could go out sometimes, to a bar or something, or join a group that you're interested in. Because if you're sitting indoors, no-one will know you're there. I'm sorry if you have medical issues that stop you going out - it sounds like they need addressing. Can you ask for financial help to try and get to the bottom of them?

[Robert013]

If you can't at least try then of course you will never succeed. Everyone has faults that is a fact. The difference is I can look past those faults and think about what is positive that I can offer. Guess what so do most women. Think positive. You have not yet learned how to pick yourself up after failure. You most likely became this way because of being rejected by a women or two. If one women say's no then you brush it off and keep looking. I am doing pretty well if I get into a meaningfull conversation or better yet a date with one in ten of the women I aproach. The difference is I never give up ever!

 

Build some confidence. Here is a good way to do it okay? Hit the stores grocery, clothing, book, shoe, mall, wherever, and start talking. Buy something small just so you can chat up the cute clerk. Or ask where something might be. Whatever comes to mind pertaining to her job. Just imagine she is a women you are aproaching because you want a date. This will do two things for you 1. Build confidence 2. Teach you how to talk to women. Everything takes practice and you will need alot of practice to learn how to talk to women and get a date. But you are young and talking like your life is already over. That is BS all you have is time so use it to your advantage. go for a walk and say Hi how are ya? or just Hi to everyone you see. Most people are friendly and will at least reply to your kindness with "fine thanks". This will again build your confidence.

 

Do some research buddy. Get out there and watch what other men are doing that seem to be good with the ladies. What are they doing? How do some of them act not all. I am talking about the confident, charming guys and not the "alpha meatheads". What this will do for you is two things 1. Gets you out of your house 2. Will teach you a bit about flirting and how to carry yourself.

 

So my advice is get out build your confidence and then try and try again until you get what you want. Rome wasn't built in a day my friend.

[shyguy1]

Can you look for a new job? Can you move?

 

I've thought about both things.... in terms of work I've got a billion ideas going through my head. Everything from writing a screenplay or a novel, to starting an online business.

 

In terms of moving... I've had my heart set on Chicago for the last couple of years, as it's my favorite city.

 

I'm somewhat scared about the sheer cost involved with living there(as opposed to Joplin that has one of the lowest costs of living in The US) and being able to get an apartment... with my somewhat suspect credit history.

 

I had planned on saving enough money to find a apartment I was comfortable with and a land lord I trusted enough and then offer said landlord an entire year's rent up front. I figured most any person renting an apartment out would accept that and it would have the side benefit of making the financial burden easier. I honestly don't see myself being able to 'afford' living in a city like Chicago, without doing something that drastic.

 

It comes down to fear that I mentioned above and I think it's the one thing getting in the way of everything. Getting myself and my issues fixed... my lack of interaction with women...(or even lack of really ever getting out of my house).. my feelings of inadequacy over still being a virgin... reaching my goals and dreams and doing something better from a career standpoint and moving.

 

I'm a notorious creature of habit and change, even change that may very well benefit me.. scares the heck out of me.

 

Finally to touch base on something else you mentioned, I'm very very hesitant to ask for financial help to get my health issues checked out. My father's had some health issues of his own over the past few years and he's somewhat hurting financially himself because of it.

 

I think at this point in time, just going to hope that they go away.. and that they stay away this time, instead of coming back six months or so from now.

 

Thanks for everyone's replies.. and please know that I am reading all of them and taking them in.

 

I realize I'm one of the more frustrating people on here, as I never seem to be making any progress and have been posting messages about these same topics for at least a few years... (I'm sure crazyking's reply touched base on that before he deleted it) rest assured that I'm just as frustrated in myself.

 

The sad reality is that when I would have had the money, I was too stubborn to seek help... now that I can feel the bottom dropping off and wish I could get things checked out, I don't have anywhere near the money.

 

Really quickly just to get it out there... I don't truly 'hate and resent' those who are in relationships and/or having sex.

 

It's more insane jealousy in terms of the sex.. one can only be so curious at nearly 30.. before wanting to explode and severe loneliness in terms of the relationship thing.

 

Sometimes those things manifest themselves as hatred, but it's really just jealousy to the 10th degree.

[Nutz]

I've worked with guys like you in the past and luckily there's a way out of your rut. You need to own up to the fact that your happiness is YOUR responsibility. If you want happiness then you have to be willing to put in the ground work and make things happen. If you are, first pick up a copy of Rules of the Game by Neil Strauss. It's the simplest, not to mention cheap, way to give your social skills a healthy overhaul. Most guys get dates before ever finishing the 30 day program. For people that have way below average social skills it may take a bit longer. Either way, you will benefit from this book. Also, I suggest reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Read them, put the advice into action, and your life WILL improve significantly.

 

The second step is to find like minded guys who want to improve themselves. There are groups of men from LA to Maine that gather in private to advance their social skills through study, practice, and support. It's been a huge boon for many men accross the globe just like you. PM me your location and I'll see what I can find since I already have inroads within the community.

[Nutz]

Let's talk seriously - you won't get any luckier if you manage to penetrate a woman...

It will just give you a little feeling of having accomplished something you've been waiting for quite long, but it won't cease the cause of your depression...

 

Actually, success breeds confidence. It's positive reinforcement and is evidence success can be achieved. It's a positive feedback loop that can really bring people up. Similarly, getting constantly rejected has the opposite effect. This is why in the pickup community we train guys to use a lot of routines at first so they can get past the initial confidence and awkwardness issues they may have. Once they get some successes under their belt then the real self-development begins.

[Nutz]

I understand being shy and fearing rejection. I too have my share of health issues. Definitely way more issues than any "normal" 22 year old should have. I also understand having a serious fear of rejection. It hurts...A LOT. That never stops. But one thing that I have learned, is that you need to love yourself before you can truly love another. I know that sounds hokey, but if you find a way to realize how special you are and what you have to offer the world, then you are in a much better position to show someone else those traits.

 

Most people don't even realize it, but fear of rejection is actually pretty crazy. The women aren't rejecting you as a person. How can they, they don't even know you! What they're rejecting is your approach. Luckily there are tools and techniques for improving the way men approach women to make them more receptive and give you the chance to show them who you really are inside. That's the very core of "pickup". It's all about getting your foot in the door.

[EQD]

When I see or hear about a shy guy... a depressed guy... or a guy who lacks confidence and is consistently given the shaft by the opposite sex... I just want to sit them down.. give them a hug and let them know it's going to be ok.

 

I would never want to see someone else go through what I'm going through emotionally

 

 

thats because the person that would be in your scenario would be representing you.

imagine that you are in a room and there are two of you.

 

sometimes it helps to 'split' into the outside looking in and the inside looking back.

[penelope13]

(or even lack of really ever getting out of my house)

 

Just start by getting out of the house!

[CrazyKing]

Actually, success breeds confidence. It's positive reinforcement and is evidence success can be achieved. It's a positive feedback loop that can really bring people up. Similarly, getting constantly rejected has the opposite effect. This is why in the pickup community we train guys to use a lot of routines at first so they can get past the initial confidence and awkwardness issues they may have. Once they get some successes under their belt then the real self-development begins.

But I'm pretty sure that I would still be a virgin if I had walked on to that girl not being already proud of myself having accomplished something...

 

It never worked to get a girl prior to that because the only thing that I was waiting for was that some girl came to me and said: "Poor guy, let's have sex in order to raise your self-esteem"...

[epsilon2x]

They say life's not fair and this sort of thing is a perfect example of as much. Why should abusers... cheaters.... and ego maniacs continue to know what sex is like... (one can only hear how 'wonderful' it is so long, without experiencing it themselves before wanting to puke) and in many occasions have relationships... all the while convincing misguided girls to give them second.. third.. fourth.. and fifth chances... while guys who would treat them right are left on the wayside.. and in the truly unfortunate cases (such as my own) left to use their hand even for basic sexual relief.

 

Girls do the same thing, it's not so one sided.

 

How about instead of being so down on yourself, you take a look at yourself and think of how you can change. Think about what girls want that you have to offer them. Then learn to express those feelings, emotions, and excitement towards them. It's never going to get better if you're down on yourself all the time.

 

You need to go out, take a billion rejections until you get a girl. I promise you, those guys you see cheating on their girlfriends or any guy period that has a girl, took plenty of rejections before he got the one he has. He doesn't look upset about it because he is not. He is happy now that he has a relationship. Don't dwell on the past.

 

One more thing. Dating is a skill, it's not natural. Eventually it will feel natural. You will never get good unless you practice.

[saleen_281]

Don't know if I can get out of my comfort zone and I don't see myself ever asking a lot of chicks out... fear the rejection too much.. and yes I realize that's part of the game. Sometimes wish girls would ask guys out more often, instead of expecting the guy to almost always do it.. would make things a lot easier for those of us who are shy.

 

From what I can tell from reading your posts, even if a girl was just "handed" to you, you wouldnt know what to do with her. Here lies the problem, you expect others to make it happen for you, and its just not going to work that way my friend, im sorry, I wish it was anyother way, but those are the "rules" and in order to get what we want we have to follow them. Our society set the rules, so you can blame it all you want, or you can try to change and progress yourself. What you need to do is work towards it, and I assure you will meet someone great which you can take credit for. Why would you want something that you didnt work for anyway?( that would kill my moral at least)

 

From my experience shyness affects a lot of parts of your life, not just relationships/getting laid. I used to be shy myself and still am, but going through college I realized that it held me back FROM so many things like meeting people, keeping friends, palying sports, and even job interviews. My shyness kept me back from accomplishing a lot of things in life, which come easy for a lot of people. I'm not really sure how i got over it, i really which i could help you, but i just realized that I was my self's worst enemy when I was shy, and people around me didnt give a * * * * to help me out, I had to do it myself. Also just realize that you only live once, and you dont want to die always regreting thing you have done in the past.

 

Im sorry if I made some of the same points that others above me did, i didnt read every post, but I just thought Id give you my thoughts, since I went through the same thing. hope it helps

[blahblah2006]

As for being shy, my only advice would really be, even if you are scared as hell. If you project confidence, people can feel it. Girls like confident males, and even if you are the most unconfident person there is, if you just project confidence, and make your self seem confident, well that's the first step, in my opinion.

 

Your sense of self worth seems somewhat diminished, i suffer from OCD, Bipolar, and Major recurring depressive disorder. The one thing that has always helped me when i was in a state of feeling zero self worth was doing something for myself. That may be something simple as a haircut, or new clothes, dressing up and just going out. Just tell yourself, you look great, walk out into a mall or something, and be sure you "really" believe it, and people will see your confidence, and guys as well as girls will smile at you and you will begin to feel like "ohh". Sure thats just an instant relief but if you apply that to an everyday situation, slowly i think you will develop your social skills. Then begin to just talk to people, and it doesn't even have to pertain to dating or sex. Next time your idk in a store, buying lets say cereal if you see someone ask them what their favorite cereal is, you know what i mean thats just an example. or maybe even if you know where an item is ask someone for help anyway.

 

Remember everyone has issues, and everyone deals with them differently, don't even begin to think you have the worst issues, because even though i dont know you, i know thats true. The first step for you to begin to recover mentally, would be to own up, say "this is my life, these are my issues, and i am going to begin to make positive changes" scream it at the top of your lungs if you must, you only get one life, make the best of it. Go to a top of a hill, yell your issues out, to the air, begin to deal with them, dont let them control you.

 

You want to have a relationship, though you may say you don't care, i honestly believe that if you didn't, well you wouldn't even be posting here. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you must have a healthy mind, you must own up to your issues, if you don't even if you did get a girl you would begin to push your issues on her. The reason losers, cheaters, etc... can get ladies, isnt because their are problem free (they most likely have about as much if not more problem then you) is they are confident and they TRY, if you dont try what do you expect.

 

Ill end my long post with "If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail" if you dont make a plan and actively work on it, well in the end thats your choice, and when you get older and look back, you can only blame yourself.

[king6]

From what I read. You have nothing to lose. You need to think differently-like-Every girl wants a guy like you, when you walk into a room, You are the man, and every girl wants to get to know you. Say it to yourself everyday, and believe it. Dont take rejection personally. If you had a bunch of women approaching you everyday, you would be rejecting alot to.

The ones that do reject, you dont want to know anyway, they arent worth it. You also cant target certain women. perhaps there is a "type" you like, but you will get to know more people if you go after anyone. What I do (at a party, bar, socail ) I try to talk to everyone, many people I dont know.. even If I dont want to really. But it establishes connections and before you know it someones hooking you up with a friend.

 

All it takes is boost of confidence and taking some risk. Start doing things that make you feel good, and that you can brag about to others. Start going places women are usually at, the gym, tanning, etc. Dont be afraid to put yourself out there, and keep doing it. Your only a failure if you quit.

 

I used to think just like you, probaly still do in some ways. My problem now is I just dont feel that its worth it to try finding another relationship. My 6yr relationship just ended, and yes she initiated everything, I was a shy guy, she asked me out, she pushed everything.. and I believe the relationship only lasted as long as it did was because for a long time I didnt want to be put back out there again feeling like I would be alone forever. She was totally wrong for me, and not even close to what I hoped for in someone.

[dr_styles]

If shyguy is as bad as he's saying then that makes it him in a worse situation than me (which I suppose he is being at 30 and me "only" 24; not sure if he's ever had a date before though cos I haven't). Anyway telling him to go out and get rejected is "easier said than done" to the extreme. I mean even I would've done it if it were remotely easy.

 

I'm not necessarily dissing it as bad advice especially if it's the only way to "fix" things, but just because it's not argued very well (imo). I mean I've read this same advice heaps of times too, but honestly when I weigh it up especially on-the-spot when it arises, the "ask her out who cares if she gets creeped out" will always lose against "only try anything if she seems interested (even if miniscule)" which has morals behind it too.

 

Bit of a Devils Advocate post I suppose. I can definitely sympathise with being frustrated at myself for not doing things like this.