I'm realizing I've been alone my whole life, neglected, and never really was loved...I'm so lonely

[Umlunguusa]

I'm not trying to create a sob story.

 

I just want someone to know my pain, even if they don't respond or choose to mock me.

 

But I've been alone my whole life. I was raised impoverished, sometimes with not enough to eat, I was senselessly beaten, homeless, and was denied the childhood so many of the lucky children around me had. I knew no motherly embrace or love in honesty. My second tooth I lost, was knocked out. that gives you an idea.

 

I've grown used to isolation and detachment, as that was the only thing I found solace in, as it was taught as salvation in Buddhist canon.

 

yet I was only 12.

 

one of the few bright spots in my life was when I was with my ex. she made me feel happy, comfortable, and lovable for the first time my entire life. she made me feel that it was possible that I was possibly the bright light in someone's life. that, perhaps, I could bring happiness to them.

 

Being that she's my ex, she left me in the dust, and withdrew without solid reason, leaving me feel horrible and most unlovable. useless. worthless. good-for-nothing. just like my father always told me I was.

 

 

I'm now 19, and I'm so utterly alone...I've never felt the tender embrace of love...and I crave it so bad, it aches...I realize everyone I ever thought loved me, never did...they were always the first to jump ship when I had a problem to steep, or needed someone's effort to be helped out of a rut...

 

so I'm now wondering: why am I even alive? am I waiting for? I need escape...

 

again, I just want to rant. respond if you wish. if not, just know that if you're in pain, then you're not alone. as morbid and selfish as it sounds, that brings me a slight comfort. to know that I may not be the only one on this path...

[UCLAMike]

you are not the only one who feels this way. Billions of individuals feel this way around them, especially the famous ones adored by public.

 

Loneliness doesn't come from lack of people in your life. It comes from a genuine disconnect with intimacy. You can have 100 friends and still feel lonely. You have to know you are loved by an unconditional force.

 

For me, I believe Christ is the answer, because what better act of love than to die for somebody who doesn't deserve it? When I think about this I am not alone and have no reason to feel alone.

[artstudent]

my long term lover left me for no good reason, i aint seen her since october last year.

im at universty and hating it

and i have trouble connecting with others

i got involved with the jehovas witnesses breifly

just to have someone to talk to lol

 

and they knew it. and gradually stopped calling me , cos they knew i didnt believe in their god.

i made a descsion to kill myself if my life aint better by christmas this year

so now with that deadline

im really focussing on finding ways to give my life meaning.

..i dunno man

life is hard, for some its harder.

 

get out to pubs and clubs, go online to places likes like facebook and youtube

leave nice messages

people might get back to you

then you talk to them on msn

then phonecall them

then meet up

obviosuly it takes ages, . the hardest thing when your depressed is getting out of depression.

medication can help, but it can also screw up your ability to control your emotions when you come off the drugs.

you can crash and become so low...

 

but you know theres a lot of people who feel like crap inside.

so you aint alone, and things can get better. they aint for me yet...but i know i wasnt always feeling hollow inside. so if i knew i wasnt always like this...then i know i am capable of change right?

[arwen]

I'm sorry you have missed so much love- esp. what you tell about your childhood is heartbreaking. I imagine this creates problems to connect to people, and create bonds with others. Have you ever been in some form of counseling, to come to terms with all of this? Therapy can help you focus on how to accept the past, and provide you with 'tools' so you can learn how to open yourself up for loving relationships (in the broadest sense I mean also friendships).

[chaosa]

My childhood, though not quite so trajic as yours was filled with neglect, and physical abuse by my father. My mother died when I was very very young and so ended the period in my childhood that was actually good. I know what you are feeling, I have felt it before.

 

My suggestion would be to seek out a therapist (I recently have and it's wonderful) and start journaling. Get out a notebook and a pen and start writing about your feelings and thoughts about yourself and your past and how they correlate. This helps for me immensly. Good luck to you.

[ellandroader]

I can't say anything much different to those above but just know you are not the only one. You are also not at fault and you are by no means useless or inferior. On the up you are only 19 and you can make steps to change things around. What you have suffered can stand you in good stead later. My Dad went through a similar situation and I admire just how strong and independent he became because of it.

 

Good luck old son....hope you feel better.

[exo123]

hi just curious. did u find light? cause im going through it right now i have had enough to a point i really dont want to live

[beebs82]

I am sorry for what you went through. But gonna be very honest. Is it really up to someone else to fix you? Especially as you meet new people, I don't think the burden should be on them. It sucks what happened to you as a kid. It was NOT your fault!! Repeat it out loud. Crappy things happen in our childhoods and we have to clean up the mess as an adult. But here's the good news.... You are an adult now and have the ware withal to move forward in a healthy way and get help. As a kid you couldn't defend yourself. But now you can!