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Uncomfortable situation

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Hi all. Not sure what the appropriate forum for this is - it's related to marriage but goes beyond.


There's a man - who hits on me. It's as simple as that. My husband knows every detail about that situation and knows what I've done to put an end to it. We're a team on this issue.


I work for myself. My husband works for himself. This man works for himself. We all work in the same industry. We are all capable (the nature of our work) of being each other's client - if we should chose to be. My husband and i are very new in this industry. This man is very established. This man wanted to give me work (he would effectively be my client).


I discussed this with my husband. I'm not a confrontational person but I was prepared to say "no" to this man (although technically, if not for the hitting on me background, turning him down would be professionally unheard of).


I have said no to him professionally a couple times before (he was offering me very well paid work that would have seen me working in another State, with him). I didnt need to consult my husband. I flat out said no. Both times. Yes it was a fantastic career opportunity, but there was no question in my mind that I had to turn that down.


This was different. He structured it so I would not have to see or speak to him (he specifically said this, when I started turning him down) - I simply had to do the work. The pay (anything between $2-3000) is .. well, it's 2-3k (this is a whole lot less than what I would have made on the interstate stuff but this would take less time, and I wouldnt have to see him).


I decided to consult with my husband and see what he thought. It's not just the money - consistently saying no and really annoying this man is potentially damaging (its the sort of industry where you have to be well-connected with others in the industry and where word of mouth about whether someone is good or bad goes a long way).


Anyway, H's advice was "if you don't have to see him, do it and charge him to the max -i.e. 3k".


Anyway so I did it. I sent it to him. This man then sends me an email asking to meet for coffee so we can talk about the work I did. ](*,) Should have known.


I wrote back saying sorry, I was busy, couldn't do that anytime soon.


He then got his secretary to ask me to send him a bill. Not specifying how much I should bill him.


Anyway -there's a lot of back story about this man (all of which my husband knows about) and just how persistent he has been in the chase. It seemed that the more I told him to back off - the more desirable I became and the harder he tried.


Anyway - the point of my post.. is - it's now time to bill him. And I feel really uncomfortable about it. How much should I bill him? Should I go with the low range 2k (which I feel better about because I don't WANT to be overpaid by this man) or should I go with 3k (which H thinks I should do to spite him). Whatever I bill him, H will know about it. I disagree with spiting him - I don't want to make an enemy - I just want him to go away.


As for what the work is "worth" - in this line of worth that's a very grey question. So I can't really identify what it's worth.


Does anyone understand me, here? I just feel uncomfortable. Not sure what I'm looking for with this post now

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If he doesnt want to deal with you get other clients. I dont have more than 8% of my business tied up in one customer so they dont have the control on me.I am a small business owner and trhe look on their faces is priceless when you have the power to walk away or charge hard

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lol that's true DJBaby..


Why does it feel like prostitution? I know that's CRAZY. I think I have a problem with the idea of this man giving me money. Like he would own a part of me if he did.


I know that's really stupid because its payment for work. But.. here's the thing.. when I was not self-employed.. I did this work for free effectively. I was paid a salary. Now I get paid per hour and it seems like I'm getting paid a tonne more for exactly the same work.


That's deceptive because I only get paid for the hours I actually work and I have my own overhead expenses to meet now. But on the surfact I can't shake the feeling that the work is not worth as much - because back when I didnt work for myself, I wasnt charging those sorts of fees for it.


I guess its me not appreciating the value of my own work - and as a consequence of that - feeling like charing him at the high range is like accepting money from him for nothing and thereby feeling like I owe him something. (And I'd NEVER want to owe him anything).


It seems so silly really but its made me quite uncomfortable.

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Slam the mofo 5k!! If he wants to push the envolope slam him the way he wants to slam you. Youre a business woman..get what you can.


If he doesnt want to deal with you get other clients. I dont have more than 8% of my business tied up in one customer so they dont have the control on me.I am a small business owner and trhe look on their faces is priceless when you have the power to walk away or charge hard


I know what you mean. One of the best things about this job is not having to please anyone anymore. I definitely don't intend to deal with him much on a business level - I just don't want to be rude to him either. I'm such a chicken!! Why am I such a chicken???


In some weird way - he scares me a bit. I don't think he's a good person (the hitting on me aside). I think he's got it in him to be really cruel to people and really selfish. It's like my instincts make me scared of him. So I just want him gone, instead of having to keep interacting in any way.


That said I guess charging on the high side is more likely to accomplish that than anything else is.

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Screw it. Just because I'm new to this and not used to charging these amounts - doesnt mean that people like him, who have been around for ages, aren't used to paying it.


I'm going to stop devaluing my work and just charge the high end.

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Youre a chicken because in business it is accepted to be like a beggar. I realised some time back that alot of corporate types talked down to me..made fun of me and so I slammed them when they pulled out their credit card.They may drive a bmw but their attitude stinks and I spent the money at christmas time. Nobody loves us in business. If he wants to act like god I would make it quite clear that he is nothing more than a pompous ass. An ass that just paid top dollar. If he wants to pretend to be rich and powerful slam this sucker. The customer is not always right nor do they own us as they often try to do.I have a stress sliding scale of fees .The more they get up my nose the more I charge for the aggravation.It is a very good policy I have..

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Indigo....in all seriousness. We have to be competitive and be charming/proffessional to woo our clients. We just have to remember that we too are people and deserve respect. You are doing well. Do not worry about him he is testing you to see what morals you have. Just respect yourself and it will be fine..

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You should charge him exactly what you would charge anyone else for the same work. No more, no less. The fact that he persistently hits on you shouldn't factor into the price. He knows what the work is worth. You overcharging him as a personal vendetta will not help you professionally. That's not the reputation you want getting around.


If you and DH are in the same industry, the next time this clown asks to meet you, why don't you say 'Well I'm pretty booked up, but DH consulted with me on this project, I am sure he could meet you" debrief DH on the job and send him in your place...


IMO- you need to ignore his personal attentions like you don't even see them. But business is business....

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FarthestEdge I agree that business is business but I just think there is a point where you can't keep putting yourself in a position where just being physically present is taken as encouragement.


We charge at hourly rates but we don't necessarily bill the entire time taken to do something. Its customary to discount. That's where the difference between 2-3k comes in. I'm well within my rights to bill 3k .. but usually, people discount - for return business. With this man, I don't want return business though.


Horsecraz, if you can't respect a woman enough to give her some credit to appreciate when she is being hit on, you have issues all of your own. I don't owe you an elaborate explanation of all the disgusting ways this man has acted or what I've said to him and done in the past to get him to stop. In the hope that you will feel some amount of shame for being as rude as you have been, I will explain just one of many, many encounters.


When I turned down this man's request that I accompany him to another state for a couple of weeks (on business) he made a point of making me feel bad about what I was implying.. that he would not keep things professional. Despite his conduct intermittently over the last couple of years - which gave me PLENTY of reasons to support how I felt, I let him make me feel bad about what I was implying. However, I stood firm with my refusal.


One minute after I put the phone down - I got a text message from this man - saying that he was thinking about me, tied up with black silk ties - and continued describing what he wanted to do with me.


Now Horsecraz - I find this embarassing and somewhat disgusting coming from a married man such as him, to a (then) engaged and now married woman such as me - and i do NOT want to go on and on and on about the disgusting details. It's a shame your parents didn't teach you to respect a woman's assertions and opinions.

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