Need a little advice...probably thinking waaay to hard about this...

[jh1581]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm 27 years old and I've been seeing a wonderful man (he's 28 years old) who has everything that I'm looking for in someone. We have so many things in common and are so compatible with regard to our core values, the stage that we are in our lives with regard to being ready for a serious relationship that leads to marriage...the whole nine yards. He's very caring and treats me like he's truly happy to have me in his life. I feel very lucky to have found someone like him and he feels lucky to have found me too.

 

From the beginning, we discussed our views on going to clubs/bars. Neither of us are really into going anymore, he said that's not his scene: he doesn't drink and drive so therefore wouldn't drink if he did go out, he doesn't smoke, and he doesn't care to be around beligerent drunk people because he's often gotten into confrontations with them if they disrespect him. I told him that I do go out socially once in a blue moon (a verrrrry rare occasion for me) to spend time with the few close friends of mine who still like to go out on occasion. We just go have a couple of drinks, we don't dance, and just enjoy each other's company. He told me that he would go out with my friends and I if I ever wanted him to because we would be coming home TOGETHER, we would wash the smoky smell off and go to sleep laying next to each other.

 

So tonight, I brought up the fact that one of my close friends has been talking about meeting him and that we should all go out one night. I mentioned it to him just in conversation (not because I wanted to go out this weekend...he comes to visit me every weekend because he lives about 1 hour 20 min away). He said, "Like I said from the beginning, it's not my scene. If you're waiting for me to one day say 'hey let's go out this weekend to a bar' it's just not gonna happen. But if you really really wanted me to go one weekend, I mean, if you tell me, I'd bring some clothes and we could go, but it's just not my thing. I'm just being honest." We talked about it a bit more and I told him that I understood where he was coming from (although it was a little different than he had made it seem in our initial conversations about it).

 

He said that he just didn't get the bar scene anyway...you stand it line forever waiting to get in, it's really smoky, people are bumping into you because it's overcrowded, you wait forever to get a drink, and you can't hear what people you're with are saying because it's really loud. He mentioned that he's never gone to a bar with a girlfriend and that he can't remember the last time he went himself because it was forever ago.

 

He told me don't be afraid to tell him that I want to spend time with my friends one weekend and that he can't come down, that he doesn't want me to feel like he's taking me away from my friends. I told him that I rarely go out (maybe like once every few months) and that I wouldn't want to sacrifice seeing him for a whole weekend to go out for a couple of hours on a Saturday night.

 

We started talking about something else and I randomly said, "maybe we could all do dinner or lunch one day then instead of going out." He said, "I didn't know we were still talking about this." I told him I was trying to think of other ways for him to meet my friends because he's an important part of my life now and i don't feel like it has to be one or the other, either spending time with my friends or spending time with him. That I want him to get to know them at some point down the road and I was trying to think of other avenues because I want him to be comfortable and just like he's not trying to talk me out of going out on occasion, I'm not trying to talk him into it. I told him that I apologized if I made him feel that way.

 

He said there was no reason to apologize and that he understood what I was saying.

 

We got off the phone shortly after, but I have to admit that for some reason, the conversation sort of made me uncomfortable. Not hanging out with my friends at bars isn't that big of a deal, but I started thinking, So is he not going to want to go out in ANY sort of social situation? What about a wedding reception? Or if we go on vacation to Vegas or somewhere? What if we're visiting my older sister and their friends and husbands in New York and they all go to a lounge? Or what about New Year's Eve?

 

Even though I've pretty much outgrown the bar/club scene, I do enjoy being social in different situations (vacation, holidays, special events, etc) around people who are important to me and I'm concerned that he's not going to want to take part in that with me. I know I'm probably thinking about this waaaay too hard, but I'm starting to really care about this man and up until this point, there've been no issues. He's coming up this weekend and I really think we need to talk about it.

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Does anyone else sort of see where i'm coming from (I'm having a hard time explaining it)? I don't even know how to begin discussing this with him. *sigh* Any suggestions?

[Seymore]

Does he have some sort of social anxiety? I can understand not wanting to go to a club or bar, though to please my ex I'd occasionally go, but for lunch or dinner? You're right in thinking "What about a wedding reception?" etc. Does he have something against meeting your friends?

[jh1581]

It doesn't seem like he has social anxiety at all. He said he used to be a "wild child" in the past, in going to clubs a lot at an early age, drinking, getting in a little minor trouble with the law when he was a kid, and even being a bouncer at a club after he turned 21, etc. These are the reasons he says he's not into it anymore.

 

I've done a few things that I don't normally do to please him (for example, he's REALLY into fitness and I ran 3 miles last Saturday because he wanted to go for a run when I haven't ran that much at once in about 6 months). He did say he would bring clothes and go out if I really wanted him to, but he reminded me that it's "not his scene" which, of course, makes me not want to EVER ask on the rare occasion that I actually would.

 

He never said whether going out to eat for lunch or dinner would be alright with him. He suggested them coming to my house, but if him and I can go out to dinner on occasion, why can't we go with my friends at some point in the future?

 

I guess I'm just having a really hard time knowing what kinds of social situations are okay and "comfortable" for him.

[Seymore]

He never said whether going out to eat for lunch or dinner would be alright with him. He suggested them coming to my house, but if him and I can go out to dinner on occasion, why can't we go with my friends at some point in the future?

 

"We started talking about something else and I randomly said, "maybe we could all do dinner or lunch one day then instead of going out." He said, 'I didn't know we were still talking about this.'"

 

That sounds to me like he's uncomfortable with that idea. I can't understand why? He's fine with them coming over...maybe it has to do with being in public? I'm not sure.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

To me it sounds like he really hates the bar scene and wants to avoid it for his own personal reasons. People who've had trouble with drinks/drugs in the past do well to totally avoid the scene.

 

I think he's being clear that he doesn't want to go, but i don't see anything in what he said that means he wants to avoid anywhere else, just bars/clubs. Lots of people past the age of 25 get sick of it for the same reasons he does, and never go again. If they want to meet friends, they instead just go to dinner, or go out to some other social event, or meet at each others houses for a party or dinner.

 

So I suggest you just accept that he doesn't want to go to bars/clubs, and just plan a dinner at your house with your friends. And if you want to go to bars with your friends, then do it on a night when he's not with you. He doesn't sound like he's trying to stop you, just making it clear they're an unpleasant experience for him.

 

And also, he's more likely to get to know your friends in a private party at home where he can actually hear what they are saying and have conversations.

 

So yes, i do think you are overreacting and should just plan a dinner out or at home with your friends to introduce them and skip going to the bars/clubs.

 

He sounds like a good guy btw... he was clear about his preferences and feelings about bars, but offered to go if it was really important to you. Far better to have someone who is clean and sober and avoids bars than a party animal who has significant problems and is immature and wants to hang in clubs forever. Most people naturally evolve out of the club scene as they age and their focus shifts to families, friends, and kids rather than drugs/drinking/etc.

[dreamz]

I would say talk it out to him. Dont mention the bar scene but try to know his opinion on going to social gatherings in general. Try to get him talking about other parties, weddings or other social occasions, try n learn his opinion on those. And whether he has any stories about other social gatherings.

That would give you an idea about whether he hates just bars and clubs, or just any crowded place with lots of people.

 

Hope this helps

Good luck

[mca1975]

Yeh I agree with BSBH, go out with your friends to a bar/club on a night when he is not with you, but organise a dinner at your home with him and your friends.

 

If he is uncomfortable with the meal at home, then he definitely has got a problem with meeting your friends. It does sound like he is trying to avoid drinking a little here. Just talk to him.

 

BTW when we said "I didnt know we were still talking about this" - was he being a bit rude there did you feel?