He hates that I don't hate his brother

[pumpkinmoon]

Not sure what to do about this but I will try to keep it short.

 

Basically my bf who was recently an ex (we have kinda started seeing each other but for the sake of this post I will call him bf) has been having a lot of trouble with his brother. It's an ongoing thing that has been happening for years and causing him nothing but stress. They both still live at home and work for their dad but recently bf walked out of the job because he couldn't deal with it anymore and I am helping him look for another job/career. I think it would be a good idea for him not to work for his dad anyway as he doesn't get the employee rights and benefits he would have working elsewhere.

 

One of the main issues between them is that his dad lets the brother get away with everything, such as not pulling his weight at work, stealing from family members and what have you. Because his dad does this, I feel it causes more conflict between them as it makes bf resent the brother even more and he has agreed with me on this.

 

The thing is, bf hates the fact that I like his brother to a certain extent and get on with him. I have never had any trouble with him in all the time I have known him and he has never been anything but nice to me and my friends. One of the main reasons that I think he is ok as a person is that when bf broke up with me for the second time he was the only one to do with bf who actually still bothered to talk to me and he was quite supportive with it all, telling me I had done nothing wrong when most of the rest of his family were ready to condemn me and started to dislike me for nothing at all.

 

Now bf is angry and can't believe I think he is ok. It all kind of came to a head today and caused a bit of an argument because I have told him that I don't have any issues with his brother. I told him that just because he doesn't have a good opinion of him doesn't me that I have to think the same way.

 

Am I wrong here?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Does the brother really steal and not pull his weight? Do you know that for a fact or is it your boyfriend's version of events? You don't have to agree with your boyfriend's feelings about his brother. You can base your opinion on your own experiences with him. It is not betraying your boyfriend by not hating his brother...you are allowed to have your own independent opinions about people.

[Stick]

It depends. If you are thinking of your boyfriend was your fiancee or husband I would say support him as you are supposed to be a team, even when you disagree about something/someone (and try to work behind the scenes on reconciliation). Otherwise it just causes unnecessary conflict. This goes both ways, of course. On the other hand, if he is just Mr. Right Now, I would suggest sticking to your guns as it is not worth losing the friendship of his brother in that case.

 

Ultimately, though, as you know them best, you gotta do what your conscience tells you to do. Perhaps you can get away with just trying to stay neutral?

[pumpkinmoon]

Does the brother really steal and not pull his weight? Do you know that for a fact or is it your boyfriend's version of events? You don't have to agree with your boyfriend's feelings about his brother. You can base your opinion on your own experiences with him. It is not betraying your boyfriend by not hating his brother...you are allowed to have your own independent opinions about people.

 

He has stollen and doesn't pull his weight in work. From the stories I have heard about him he sounds like a horrible person but like I have said, I have never had any trouble from him.

 

It depends. If you are thinking of your boyfriend was your fiancee or husband I would say support him as you are supposed to be a team, even when you disagree about something/someone (and try to work behind the scenes on reconciliation). Otherwise it just causes unnecessary conflict. This goes both ways, of course. On the other hand, if he is just Mr. Right Now, I would suggest sticking to your guns as it is not worth losing the friendship of his brother in that case.

 

Ultimately, though, as you know them best, you gotta do what your conscience tells you to do. Perhaps you can get away with just trying to stay neutral?

 

Well we are working on getting back together really. Things have been going really well lately. I do stay as neutral as possible. He texts me all the time while he is at work complaining about his brother and I just listen and give him advice if I can. I don't stick up for his brother at all. It was all brought up today because he made a sarcastic comment about me being his brothers "best friend". I didn't want to argue about it. Basically all I said was we have different views on him and he has done nothing bad to me which is true. He then got quite angry and told me he isn't talking about it anymore and that he was going to sleep. I replied and said that I'm not trying to argue about it and this is obviously an issue that needs to be resolved face to face otherwise it will always be there.

 

 

Its not like I am even proper friends with his brother. I don't keep in contact with him or go out drinking with him, I just say "hi" if I see him out and that's about it.

 

Its more about he just doesn't like what I "think" of his brother. It's like he is trying to persuade me to dislike him.