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Will I ever want children?


IamNotHere

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Here's the 411...I just met the woman of my dreams last year. I would love to marry her at some point.

 

But she wants children at some point in the next 8 or so years (before it is too late), and she is pretty passionate about it. I am still very young, and extremely new to relationships (She is the only girl I have ever even had sex with...before her, I could never bond with women). I love her, and we support each other's goals...but I just don't know if I want children. And she talks about them ALL the time, as well as marriage (the marriage part, I don't have a problem with...but the kids, I do, and I have HARD time telling her that).

 

What is it that sparks that desire to have children? My girlfriend and other people I know say it's when you start seeing other people around you have children, but I don't know. I like kids, but they also involve MAJOR time, finance, and energy consumption that I am absolutely not willing to give if it means compromising my goals in the least bit. I need to know if children could ever enhance my goals. At this point, I only see them as a full time job on top of the goals I take so seriously, and that take up so much of time already. These goals will easily be the biggest part of my life for the next 10 years...I have a feeling that they may go just a bit past the time she is able to have children.

 

See, I want to want to have children...I want to know what that spark is that makes people want to have kids...just so I continue my relationship with her. It took me a LONG time to find someone like her, and I love her.

 

The more time I spend with her and talk to other women, I realize it is very unnattractive of me to not want to have children. I now know that just about every woman at her age wants children. If I don't change myself to actually wanting kids, not only will I lose her, but no woman will be attracted to me anyway because I won't want children.

 

How can I change? How can I make myself want children? How can I keep my relationship with my girlfriend going so we can get married and support each others goals (whatever they may be in the future)? She doesn't want kids now, but she wants them later. I simply don't know when or if I want them. As of now, I don't have even a desire.

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First question how old are you?

 

First point: kids may not enhance your goals but did you ever consider that they may enhance your life?

 

I know kids seem like a drain on your life through everything you've mentioned this is true, this is true even to those who want kids and even to those who have kids. It's no secret.

 

There is no "spark" that makes you want to have kids. Most people eventually just do- that's life. Why you ask? Because we have to reproduce- it is human nature (for the most part) that most of us eventually will have the urge to breed.

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Regardless of the fact that some people believe it is unattractive to not have children you still have to ask yourself what you want. It would be unfair to have children if you do not want them. You have to realize that you two have a fundamental disagreement, but that doesnt mean that you have to want what she wants in order to keep her. That wouldnt be appropriate. If you feel strongly about the fact that you dont want to have kids then you have to realize that issue is bound to come up in the future

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This is why you should have the talk regarding family/marriage before getting to the point of a LTR. As great as she may be, and as much as you do not want to hurt her, you have to tell her how you are feeling in regards to starting a family.

 

I am very, very firm on not wanting children, and my BF feels the same. People say, "Well, you will change your mind one day." Wrong. I am a full-time nanny, and have worked with young children for the past five years. I spend 45-hours per week with two kids, ages two and eight months. Within that time all of my time, energy...everything, goes towards them. I love those kids, and in general I like kids, but I cannot imagine my life with kids involved 24/7. I love getting off of work and having free-time. With kids, there IS no free-time. To give you an idea of "free-time" once you have kids...the family who I nanny for, as far as the mom and dad go, have gone on two dates since their daughter was born over eight months ago. TWO DATES. To me, that is a tragedy. Obviously, to them, they are do the most important thing in their eyes by raising a family that is so very important to them...and of course, that is extremely respectable. I have no problem with people who want to engage in such a lifestyle...it's very selfless and admirable...I just know that it is not for me. I'd rather be a part of the lives of children who I meet, instead of making a life and having that life become completely intertwined with mine constantly. The responsibility, the worrying, the time, the risk...everything...it's mind boggling. I don't know how parents keep their sanity. I would lose it! Anyway...all of this is to point out that you should think very, very hard about how you feel and STICK TO YOUR GUNS. It is not like having a puppy where you can bring it back to the pet store or SPCA. People have kids all the time who think it will be all about unconditional love. BS. Kids will give you an occasional hug, kiss or I love you between all of the diaper changes, temper tantrums and messiness that they perpetuate as you try to maintain your life...and in the end, all is neutral...if you are lucky you have raised good kids who care about you, but that's only IF you are lucky. A lot of kids despise their parents. If that ever became my child, I would not be able to live with myself. No thanks...not for me. You need to talk to her after you think this through. A child is the biggest deal in the world. Don't do it just for her...it has to be for yourself or it is unfair to the child. Good luck.

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but no woman will be attracted to me anyway because I won't want children.

 

Patently not true. Lots of women don't want kids.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to have kids who have an ambivalent parent? It's the hardest job in the world, no clue if you're doing it right, no thanks, no pay, and it lasts the rest of your life.

 

Do you have any friends with kids you could spend some time with? Maybe get a feel of how you feel about having them around?

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Patently not true. Lots of women don't want kids.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to have kids who have an ambivalent parent? It's the hardest job in the world, no clue if you're doing it right, no thanks, no pay, and it lasts the rest of your life.

 

Do you have any friends with kids you could spend some time with? Maybe get a feel of how you feel about having them around?

 

I sooo agree with you. and you owe your children the best. you are completelly responsible for them and you must desire them and care fo them.

 

and what is it that makes you have that desire?

 

I don't know, I hardly ever had it. apparently desire to be a mother could have something to do with some hormone levels in the body... but there also is the whole emotional / psychological motivations to have or not to have kids.

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"but no woman will be attracted to me anyway because I won't want children. "

 

ya that's not true. I would like to mee someone who doesn't want children and who doesn't already have them from a previous relationship. I don't wanna deal with the whole ex mother of his children, visitations, them having an issue with me, a hard time accepting me, him expecting me to parent them (I don't believe that is fair to them, their bond is with their parents and they should dicipline, etc., not me). and if he has his children with him, honnestly I don't wanna sleep over. I've seen my parents do it after the divorce, and it was really hard.

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but no woman will be attracted to me anyway because I won't want children.

 

 

Not true. I find you attractive just b/c you don't want them, and I don't even know what you look like.

 

I dont want kids. I haven't for the longest time. I'm so excited that I could burst right now b/c my sister is trying to get pregnant. My best friend's daughter is turning 5 in a few weeks and I just want to go home and hug her and watch her grow up b/c she's already 5!! I love my friends' kids. I just like giving them back.

 

If your GF wants them but you dont, you can't have them one day just to appease her. That will build resentment not only for her but for your children also. That's a guarantee.

 

You don't get a "spark" to have kids. It's simply in you or not. When people say to spend time with your friends' kids, I dont recommend doing that to see if you'll want to have them. Cute kids shouldn't be your persuading factor.

 

If this is a major decision for you, you really need to examine if it's a dealbreaker for you. And if it's a deal breaker for her too. Because if it is but you both stay, the relationship (and parenthood) will fail eventually.

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I am a 27 woman and i never want to have kids.

my 4 year relationship fell apart partly because of that...

 

i don't want them for several reasons:

-dont want to give up my life

-can't afford to provide good care for them

-afraid of being a single mom in the end like my mother was

-afraid i won't love the kid

-afraid it will be born ill

and mostly - i have no desire to be a mom.

 

i do want a family [dogs] and marriage.

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First off, like many of the other posters have said, there are PLENTY of women out there who do not want children.

 

When I first read your post, I though you were early 20's and my first response was going to be "Wanting kids that young is scary as heck, give yourself time to think about kids before you say no".

 

Now I see that you are much older and if you don't want kids, you may never want kids. It's not fair to you, your children, or their mother to have kids if you don't 100% want them.

 

Talk to your girlfriend. Be completely transparent. It's not fair if her one of her major goals in life is to be a mother for you to string her along. If maybe you want kids in the future say so, but don't make it sound like "stick around and see....". If she's willing to wait and see if you change your mind then that's her decision. But don't lead her one, don't say "Maybe" if the answer is "Never".

 

Maybe you could spend 6 monthes or so with friend's kids, relatives, or volunteering somewhere with little children. Then you can make a final decision. But this is such a life-altering decision that neither of you should compromise. I'm sorry to say this, but it may be a deal-breaker.

 

Do not have kids with her simply because you don't think you'll ever find another woman. There's plenty of nice women who do not want kids with whom you could have a great connection.

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Tbh, my reccommendation was made because of the "that was interesting, but it was ok/nice/GREAT to give them back factor."

 

oh no that wasn't directed at you. i was building off of experience of what people say to me and how that'll sway me. Sometimes it's said to others that way too, and I wanted to make sure he understood that that may not happen!

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Not true. I find you attractive just b/c you don't want them, and I don't even know what you look like.

+1!!!!

 

My husband and I agreed on this 100%, partially because he had a child from a previous relationship. However, it was one of the reasons (aside from the fact that I am completely lovable he married me.

 

Not everyone feels the biological need to procreate. There are other ways to be useful to the world, and one's family.

 

Good luck...

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Personally I think you just need to tell her about your concerns. Unfortunately, as heartbreaking as it is, sometimes when partners do not share common goals, the relationship just can't work out. You should talk to her about how you feel, and see what happens from there. I'm only 21 and I want to have children within the next 8 years or so because the women in my family have a history of getting ovarian cancer in their 20s-30s. The fact that I wanted to have children so young meant that a lot of relationships didn't work out, but they couldn't, because we simply didn't share common goals.

 

As for not wanting children, I don't see anything wrong with this proclamation. I know plenty of people who have grown up in their 40s and 50s without children and they are perfectly happy and have led very fulfilling lives. You never know, in the future you may decide that you do want children, but if you don't, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. There are plenty of men and women your age and older who don't feel the need to have kids.

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There are a lot of people on this thread assuring the OP that there are a lot of women out there who will not have a problem with you lack of a desire to have children. This is true. However let's not lose sight of two things;

 

A) Even more women will not find you desirable do to your lack of wanting children than the opposite.

 

and more importantly;

 

B) THIS woman strongly desires children.

 

That is a HUGE issue and could be/should be a deal breaker. My sister-in-law (well I am not married yet...) strongly desires children as well as a relationship. She really wanted to make the relationship work with her last guy and she gave it a good go despite him not wanting to have children. She did okay for nearly a year with this knowledge that he wasn't going to have children with her (in fact I believe he went and got himself "fixed"), but after she started seeing her sisters with babies and seeing that strong loving bond between parent and child, it became too much and she had to end the relationship.

 

So understand this; it is not fair to either of you. This is a humongous issue. She is telling you what her top desires are for herself and those desires are clearly in opposition to your own. This very well could be a deal breaker.

 

So what do you do? Is your love for her strong enough that you will forego your own feelings on the matter and give her the family she wants without begrudging her unfairly (it would be your choice to take that step as you could always break it off)? Or are you so fearful that you cannot find another woman due to your track record thus far that you will only give her this desire of hers to keep her around because of the fear of not finding someone else who wants to be with you? That would hardly be fair to her or yourself. These are all your decisions.

 

I think you need to examine what it is you really want to do. Your paths are clear before you. You are at a moment where you must make a choice. This choice/decision is you own to make, and if you choose one way or another you need to remember that this was your choice and not hers. I mean if you do have children with her you cannot hold this against her or the children in the future if you are then unable to reach the goals of the option you did not choose. You need to sit down and talk to her after giving this a lot of thought yourself. Come to an adult decision.

 

Personally, I didn't want to have children until I was at least 30 and more likely around 32-33 range. Against my plans we got pregnant anyway. At first I was apprehensive about having a child and having my responsibilities take away from ME TIME, but since having my daughter she has become my life and I LOVE IT. All the goals I had prior to this don't seem important to me anymore. What is important to me now is being the best dad I can be and raising a responsible motivated caring human being. Nothing is sweeter than walking into my daughters room in the morning and gently waking her up. When her groggy eyes open and focus on me, when that smile lights up on her face it is the highlight of my day.

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Yes, you just be yourself. Many women would turn you down, b'coz you don't want kids or you are not sure. But you have to be honest in this area b'coz its a deal breaker for many. You are only delaying the inevitable if you choose to say what they want to hear but inside you dont believe it or don't want it in immediate future (like a year or so).

I'm going through something similar. I'm not sure if I want to have kids either. Many men that I went out on dates with started talking about kids and how babies look cute, this n that. I didn't know what to say. I don't know if I'm mommy material.

But like dating coach says, if I meet a good man that I get along with, if he desires a family, I'm open to having 1 child and now-a-days, I say it calmly but firmly to men when they ask me Qs about kids.

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I am a 27 woman and i never want to have kids.

my 4 year relationship fell apart partly because of that...

i don't want them for several reasons:

-dont want to give up my life

-can't afford to provide good care for them

-afraid of being a single mom in the end like my mother was

-afraid i won't love the kid

-afraid it will be born ill

and mostly - i have no desire to be a mom.

i do want a family [dogs] and marriage.

yes, right on. I feel you girl. I have similar fears too.

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I'm a 30 year old woman who doesn't want kids. I don't want to devote my life to raising another being, I'd rather do everything for ME. It may sound selfish but it's true. I have no maternal instincts and I would reject any guy who desperately wants to have kids. It's not for me.

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