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dating someone who lives with their ex


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I have been out of the dating scene for quite awhile, but recently became chummy with a co-worker that I have worked with for a few years. We mostly flirted at work and just within this last year, we got together a few times. I kept myself at a friend level with him while we got to know each others stories.

 

He told me that he dated this girl for 8 years and they have been apart for the last 4-5 years. However said ex girlfriend is also co-signer on the house they live it. Seems they bought the house in 2003, when they were still "dating" but not sleeping together anymore. In 2005, he says they permanently ceased being a couple.

 

At first I kind of felt sorry for him because he said that they both cannot afford to buy each other out right now, and to sell the house would be a loss, would not allow them to ever get a loan for another house in the future and so on.

 

Having lived in apartments my whole life, I know nothing of the real estate scene, however the question I had, which I never asked, is "why not rent the place so you two can get on with being 'truly' single."

 

So during the few months we hung out, I never could get enough nerve to go over there and meet the ex, even though he said she wanted to meet me. Plus I hadn't really gotten to the point where I felt like I wanted to see him on a more romantic level. We had barely even hugged up to this point.

 

Within this last two weeks, he confessed he felt like he could easily love me and hoped we could grow into a couple. I, too, started enjoying his company and felt that the attraction I had had to him could grow into something more.

 

Then it hit me.

 

He-lives-with-his-ex girlfriend!

 

I found myself going through all sorts of emotions, most of which were along the lines of wanting to throttle him for even thinking that he could ask a girl to consider dating him in his situation.

 

I called him up and told him no can do.

 

He responded with comments of how it's been over between them, they are more like siblings, how I should come over and see their dynamic, how she wants to meet me because she sees how much he likes me. How the house is cool and I would like it. How he doesn't want to leave her with huge morgage payments she couldn't handle and the idea of getting a boarder that may not be suitable. Also, how they each have their roles, but they never do anything more than cook for each other once each a week and keep up their end of the housekeeping.

 

I countered with comments such as how they obviously have unfinished business together, it's very co-dependent, how she metioned she wanted to meet me so she could make sure I wouldn't hurt him (his words). I said I wanted to visit him in "his" space not "their" space. I told him he and her were "playing house".

 

His last repsonse was that he feels I am not seeing the picture as it really is and I should give it a chance by coming over.

 

I just personally do not want to be on display for someones approval or disapproval...besides, what happens in the future should he want to move out? He'd be having this disscussion with me about the same thing which would leave me no other option but to move in with "them" should I want to live with him!!!!

 

Since I have been out of the dating loop for well over 6 years, am I being old fashioned here with how I view this? Heck, I'm the kind of person who doesn't put out on the first date....something which he said was a first for him (prior to this so called roommate of his)

 

I'm willing to listen and learn from those of you who are active daters, wise sages, progressive thinkers and anything inbetween.

 

Final word: I am angry that while he says he hasn't felt this way about someone since the 80's, he refuses to think of options to make himself more independent and available.

 

P.S. I'm a newbie to this site.

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welcome to enotalone.

 

i would feel very hesitant to date someone who is living with their ex, even if they are basically 'siblings' right now. i know it's a tough housing market, it's hard to sell, and there are a ton of places that people can rent. i really really would not feel comfortable dating someone in this situation, and i would pass on it, kind of like what your gut is telling you to do.

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I'm surprised they didn't sell in 2005... I agree that it is major baggage, regardless of their current relationship. In the end, you have your preferences and I think you should stick to your guns and not do something that makes you uncomfortable... it's really just that simple.

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I live with my ex [ broke up 1 year ago ]. He wants to date other people. I'm more than ready to move on with my life as well but I told him it would be a good idea if him and I move to separate places. He doesn't want to do that. And the financial situation is the reason we're both still living together.

It's too frikken akward. I don't blame you for not wanting to date someone who lives with their ex.

It's not like him and I have sex anymore and we pretty much lead separate lives but...we live together! It's weird!!!

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Yeah, if the relationship was truly over in 2005 they could have sold it then. It is now 2009! I think you are right in not pursuing this. She wants to meet you! Please! It sounds like this would be a love triangle. Forget it...if this guy is still living with his ex after all these years something tells me they are not always platonic.

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Well, I would not be happy with it.. and would be very hesitant to date someone doing so, however a friend of mine was in this predicament with her ex-husband.

 

They got divorced, and the two of them lived together but very separate lives and were just waiting until the house sold. I think this went on for about 6 months. And there was NOTHING going on... she hated it and would always try and make sure they were never home at the same time.

 

So, i agree, I would not really be into dating a guy like this, but my firend did it and couldnt' wait until the house sold...but still ahd her ex living there

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Yeah, if the relationship was truly over in 2005 they could have sold it then. It is now 2009! I think you are right in not pursuing this. She wants to meet you! Please! It sounds like this would be a love triangle. Forget it...if this guy is still living with his ex after all these years something tells me they are not always platonic.

 

I agree with the bolded .... barf!

 

I had a boyfriend once, who his ex wanted to meet me... that is such a bunch of horse poo when they make it sound like they care..... whatever..

 

I also found out that this ex of his also used to drive by my house because she 'just wanted to see where I lived"

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She wants to meet you? What is she part of the family or something? lol Sounds like she will always be around.

 

I would definitely NOT be comfortable with this arrangement. Find someone that hasn't been living with an ex for 4yrs...Geez what is taking this guy so long to move out & find his own place??? He must really like the idea of her living there, for whatever reason.

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I'd keep far away from this dysfunctional situation.

 

I never could get enough nerve to go over there and meet the ex, even though he said she wanted to meet me.

 

Even if they are totally platonic- she's still far too involved in his life if she is already saying that she wants to meet you.

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Again, I've never owned a home, but I would think that for the both of them (she hasn't dated either since they officially "broke up") that if they truly wanted to get on with their individual lives, they would of thought to rent the house out to a family or some college students. Or he could just as easily say to her that he is going to need her help in finding a boarder that would be paying him for his share.

 

Oddly enough she was living with her ex boyfriend when this guy came into her life. And she had him come meet her ex so he could see that her new fling wasn't a serial killer.

 

I know that when you sign a lease on an apartment and you are looking to get out of it, sometimes it's just a matter of finding someone to take over the payments and stay in the place till the lease is up.

 

It doesn't help that he just got laid off either, but he is almost done with his Web master studies so another job shouldn't be to difficult. I didn't expect him to move out tomorrow, but he never even responded with any comments that he understood why I might feel this way, admit to it being a situation that needs to be changed and pronto cuz it's long overdue...he just countered all my comments with how I am not viewing it correctly.

 

I appreciate all your comments. This board is a lifeline right now for me. I've only talked to one other person about this and while they agree he's a bubble off plumb, it's nice to have others to solicit thoughts and feedback. Plus it is nice to see that my observations of the thing are in line with how others think.

 

This is my first dating attempt in 9 years, and while I feel very much like a novice at this point, it's good to know that my common sense chip (putting it in computer terms!) is still working!!!!!

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Well my SO & I own a home together & I can tell you 100% that if we broke up - we would right away start looking how we will change our living arrangement. There are many option. Rent, sell, get a roommmate or 2, whatever works! Just dont hang around with an ex for 4yrs trying to figure it out lol.

 

Im actually surprised he even told you she an ex, its been 4yrs since they broke up & they live together, cook for one another & both help with the house chores. Sounds like great room mates! Makes me wonder...why did they break up?

 

But you are not insane, I dont know many people that would be ok with their BF/GF living with an ex. Talk about awkward...

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