sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I met this guy online we had a first date and hit it off right away.. He texted me everyday and kept asking me out at least 1-2 times a week... We would meet up on the weekends with my friends and his friends and all seemed to be going well. I was honest that I was just newly out of an engagement/2 year relationship.. was only single for 2 months.. And he was apparently out of an 8 year relationship about a year and a half ago... (But I'm thinking maybe it was more recently than he said). He took me out for a month straight... We kissed on a few occassions, but he was usually just very shy with me and wouldn't make a move. He is 29 and I am 27... So it's not like we are in highschool Either way he gave me a lot of mixed signals... He constantly asked me "What are you looking for"... and said he was surprised he wasn't settled down with kids by his age.. He made remarks that he wasn't sure he was ready for a commitment, but he said flat out he was worried about "just" being my rebound. He never made a physical move on me, even when he had chances. So it didn't seem to me he was only looking for sex? He took me out on dinner dates, movies, etc. And invited me to his place once and we took his dogs for a walk, watched a movie, etc. We went to a basketball game and his friend and fiance happened to be there and she knew where I was from and everything, he obviously had told her about me... He seemed to be really taking it slow and doing all the right moves as if he wanted a relationship to progress? He pulled a weird move once, I was out with my girl friends dancing and he was supposed to go to a concert with his buddies but he ended up showing up where I was and my friend saw him leaning against the bar watching us before he came over to say Hi... He got jealous that night when we were talking to some guy friend's we knew, and he just left... When I asked him what happened, why not say goodbye? He said because we were talking to those guys? He apologized afterwards and said he felt bad and it was rude of him to just leave like that. Then just after the 1 month mark he got weird.. He took me out twice in one weekend and then by Monday he wasn't texting as much.. I left him alone for a few days and when I didn't hear from him I just sent a text to thank him for taking me out all those times and that I had fun, but noticed he must have had a change of heart, due to timing, the distance between us, or his ex.. Which was ok.. And wished him the best. He wrote back saying he thought I was so amazing, hot, smart and so sweet but it really was the timing! And he wasn't sure what to do with me.. He said he wasn't able to get close to anyone right now, it wouldn't be fair to him or me. He then says, who knows what will happen in the future? And told me I deserve the best. * * * ?? I have never been denied by a guy LOL..... What does this mean? This one really threw me for a loop the way it all played out... Link to comment
girl68 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I have never been denied by a guy LOL..... What does this mean? Welcome to the "you just got dumped club." Perhaps he did just have a change of heart. Oh well you win some you loose some. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Anything could have happened. Like you thought, maybe the break up was more recent and he got back with his ex. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he just flat out lost interest. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it Link to comment
Pr0vocative Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 You don't know where to go either and seen as you have no idea of the future of the relation you have to him whats wrong with dating? if he feels pressured he will bail and if you seem to think you can't get denied then that is putting pressure on him more so Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Oh I'm not worried, I just find it odd... Lots of guys do stuff like that but bail after they sleep with the woman! He didn't even try sleeping with me! So maybe he's just a good guy? Which I respect. I just find that in my past experiences, or from girl friends.. Guys want 1 of 2 things.. either just sex/no strings.. or a relationship.. He didn't seem to want either? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 i'm looking at your avatar thinking 'he only wanted to make out with you?' weird guy all around. following you and checking up on you at the club? more weird. he wasn't even officially your bf either. what a tool. Link to comment
l0vel0rn Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 No way to know unfortunately. He’s the only one with that answer. Sometimes you can have amazing chemistry with someone and it just fizzles. Sometimes it is the timing. Maybe you or they are not ready to deal with the emotions of a new love interest, especially if you were hurt “recently” (which can range from 2 weeks ago to 1 year depending on the person). The early stages are always the most frustrating because any little thing can send either one of you running away before you really get together, a mixed signal here, misinterpreted message there, jealous reaction to something you thought was happening (him seeing you talking to another guy at the club might have given him the wrong impression about your intentions), talking to an ex; the list goes on. Speaking as a guy, if you’ve been hurt and you are still feeling it, it’s hard to trust your heart to someone new if it’s too soon (again, “too soon” is very relative). Maybe he wants a relationship but just isn’t ready to trust someone new. Link to comment
alexrox Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Wow that's pretty unfortunate.. Maybe he's afraid to get close to anybody right now and freaked out. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Well he wrote some more, he said that he just wants to be single and date, pick up and travel, etc. Which is cool and exactly what I wanted in my life.. I'm newer out of my relationship than he is ! But he kept asking me "What are you looking for" and "I don't want to be your rebound" and all this crap... HE was the one bringing it up.. I was totally content just going with the flow and not expecting a commitment. So he royally screwed this one up lol... I have had physical relationships before with someone who wasn't a boyfriend, it was mutual and honest and just happened that way... But he screwed his chances up for that with me now lol.. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Oh I forgot some more details, I'm going to Vegas in April with my girl friends (which he knew) and he asked me OH do you have anymore trips planned for the year? And it wasn't in the way you make small talk and ask someone.. He asked me about everything from my upbringing, my parents, my siblings.. I don't know.. Like I said, I just find everything about how he did things was odd... It's almost like he wanted me to fall in love with him so he could just ditch me. Weirdo ! If he acted normal and upfront, he would have kept my emotions in check, instead of playing this Mr. Perfect stuff and being all respectful he made me like him more because he seemed to want to get to know me and treated me really well. Link to comment
alexrox Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Well he wrote some more, he said that he just wants to be single and date, pick up and travel, etc. Which is cool and exactly what I wanted in my life.. I'm newer out of my relationship than he is ! But he kept asking me "What are you looking for" and "I don't want to be your rebound" and all this crap... HE was the one bringing it up.. I was totally content just going with the flow and not expecting a commitment. So he royally screwed this one up lol... I have had physical relationships before with someone who wasn't a boyfriend, it was mutual and honest and just happened that way... But he screwed his chances up for that with me now lol.. Haha yeah he totally did. Maybe it was for the best, maybe he wasn't all there right now, maybe really shy, or just afraid of getting hurt. Either way, move on and enjoy. I'm sure you won't have too hard a time finding someone else. 8) Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 move on. you don't need to question anything about him anymore. more guys out there. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks guys, I'm not worried.. I just want to understand as best I can, because I'm newly single and I don't want to waste my time and make any dumb mistakes like this again... I'm pretty vulnerable right now.. He also said that the reason he didn't make any physical moves on me was that he didn't want to mess around and have it not go anywhere... Which is respectful enough. I did play my cards right though I believe... I always let him ask me out, I never called him all the time, or was in his face.. I just let him come to me... Which after awhile I was thinking maybe he thinks *I* am not interested? But I sort of had this feeling not too push.. I sensed something "closed off" about it... And the ironic part was that is probably what made me want him more !! I am not used to guys acting that way, usually they pursue me hard and I am in the driver's seat or how or where I want it to go.. SO yeah I'm glad this happened, he was giving me an ulcer lol Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 so your single huh? hehe jk. but, take this experience as something you look out for in the future. if you haven't, i would stop all contact with him thus far. Link to comment
alexrox Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 haha an ulcer eh? Well based on this, it is slightly possible that he got the feeling that you weren't interested seeing as you didn't really call him much. As a guy it's not unusual to have this happen so it's probably not a big deal, but as a guy, it's nice when the girl does a little pursuing lol. Or maybe that's just me. Again though, I and most other guys are used to being the pursuer. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Oh I'm not worried, I just find it odd... Lots of guys do stuff like that but bail after they sleep with the woman! He didn't even try sleeping with me! So maybe he's just a good guy? Which I respect. I just find that in my past experiences, or from girl friends.. Guys want 1 of 2 things.. either just sex/no strings.. or a relationship.. He didn't seem to want either? Isn't that a sad commentary when people start to think guys are weird for NOT asking for sex early on in dating! Sounds like he was a perfect gentlemen...did the old fashioned way and didn't want to push for sex until he felt sure he actually wanted a relationship with you. I know that is not the norm today and people expect to get laid long before there is an actual relationship...nice to see that not all people think that way. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Isn't that a sad commentary when people start to think guys are weird for NOT asking for sex early on in dating! Sounds like he was a perfect gentlemen...did the old fashioned way and didn't want to push for sex until he felt sure he actually wanted a relationship with you. I know that is not the norm today and people expect to get laid long before there is an actual relationship...nice to see that not all people think that way. i think you missed the part where he was unsure if he wanted a relationship. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 i think you missed the part where he was unsure if he wanted a relationship. Doesn't change a thing...he wasn't sure about the relationship therefore he didn't push for sex. What he did was actually the old fashioned way of dating someone...not today's way of dating which is have sex then decide if there is enough in common for a relationship..which sounds like what the OP was expecting and wanted. I would say that since she didn't call very much maybe he got the feeling she wasn't into him or was still hung up on her ex and that is why he pulled away...and that is why he didn't want to fall into bed with her. Two months out of an engaged to married relationship is not that long...and lots of people fresh out of a relationship just want to have sex with someone new in order to get the ex out of their system. Perhaps this guy has been burned that way before and that is why he didn't make any sexual advances. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 good points CAD, but i think that is a different perspective for this guy. his behavior says otherwise. the whole stalking thing isn't good either. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 it sounds like he is in no way ready for a relationship. i'd chalk this one up to bad luck and move on. sorry! Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 I do agree with the comments about him not pushing for sex...That was very honorable of him at least.. He said that he didn't want for us to mess around and it not go anywhere.. and he said we are both vulerable right now and didn't want either one of us to get hurt. So that's good I guess.. I mean it could have been worse... But I really think he was over-thinking this whole thing.. Unless I fell head over heels for him and then he dropped the "I don't want a relationship" bomb.. that would have really hurt. So I guess I'm glad.. I have always been told though that "actions speak louder than words"... And honestly this guy's actions for the past month were showing he wanted a relatonship... So he must have had a change of heart... We live an hour apart, and he made effort to take me out at least twice a week.. We would both drive a half hour to see each other. But I did sense he was "emotionally unavailable" a little bit... So I'm not sure really.. It wasn't a compatibility issue, that was actually why we hit it off so well.. We are both tall, athletic, come from athletic families... Same family values, he played College football, I play beach Volleyball.. We both love dogs, sports, outdoors, the beach. We were almost too similar to be honest.. Ahh well... there will be other guys...... Just sucks, I knew the timing part was off (on my end also) but he was everything I would want in a long-term partner.. Hope I meet someone like him again in the future.. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 maybe he 'thought' he wanted a relationship and when it came down to it he realized he wasn't ready or too scared. Link to comment
alexrox Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Just be optimistic and you'll find someone for sure. You're still young so you have plenty of time. This time, it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I had something slightly similar happen to me recently too and even though it ended on a good note, it left me perplexed at how and why it happened. Now, I'm over it and moved on. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 maybe he 'thought' he wanted a relationship and when it came down to it he realized he wasn't ready or too scared. That's the most logical answer I can see so far... His online profile seemed very geared towards looking for the "right" person. Our first few dates were very saturated with questions of "What do you want in your life".. "what was your past like".. etc.. And I remember the look on his face when I told him I left my abusive ex-fiance 2 months ago.. It was a look of disappointment.. And anytime that came up in conversation (even if he probed it) he would change the subject. Where as, I was open to talking about anything! I asked him about his 8 year relationship and who ended it, and gave him outsider insight and advice.. He always said "wow you have things figured out.. and a good outlook on things".. And I told him that I dated quite a lot in my 20's.. I've learnt alot about long-terms, living with your partner, compatibility, etc. His 8 year girlfriend and he never lived together.. They were long-distance for a lot of it... So he's a baby.. 29 almost 30 and 1 long-term.. I'm going to go with he's very scared to get hurt.. He did tell me he was gaurded... That might explain the "checking" up on me type of behaviour I noticed a little bit of.. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Just be optimistic and you'll find someone for sure. You're still young so you have plenty of time. This time, it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I had something slightly similar happen to me recently too and even though it ended on a good note, it left me perplexed at how and why it happened. Now, I'm over it and moved on. True, it happens to everyone. I'm not upset about it... Just a little disappointed because I really liked him and we seemed "ideal" for each other. But at the same time I'm a bit relieved because I really need to focus on my life.. And I didn't WANT to meet anyone I liked.. But I couldn't run away from him.. Link to comment
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