How do you ask if someone is sleeping with someone else?

[wandererlust]

How do you ask someone and have a better chance of getting the truth? We have had the exclusivity talk months ago. For the most part we talk every day and see each other several times a week. There have been times lately that he seems to be "unaccounted for". I hate to keep tabs on him but when he is evasive it just seems odd. Usually he volunteers what he is up to or what his plans are. Like yesterday, I never heard from him once. I know he was out late since his car was not home and then it was there this morning (we live on the same road).

 

When we first started seeing each other, I told him I was not interested in a serious relationship but I was not ok with multiple partners. I was up for casual NSA for the time but just not with several people at once and I expected the same from him and I made that clear to him. Several months later I found out from the other woman (we were all pals-nice huh) that they had been intimate several times, up until a month prior. She even said they would not be intimate any longer. When I confronted him on it, he swears he told me that he was sleeping with her as well. *Uhhhh I think I would remember that!* Anyway, he apologized profusely, swore they would never be intimate again, I confirmed my stance again, told him he can certainly see other people just not with me and he said he did not want to and we got through it and moved on. Up until now, I have never had a doubt that he was being dubious. And this is now 10 months later. So maybe I haven't really forgiven him because in the back of my mind I think " Gee, I asked him if he was sleeping with someone else when we first started seeing each other, and he said no, and I told him I was not up for it and come to find out he was....what would stop him now?"....

 

Yes, so maybe we have spent even more time together and have gone through other things as a "couple" since then and have more of a connection but still...

 

Should I just ask him? I was thinking of saying something like "remember when we first started seeing each other and we both wanted NSA with just each other? That's still the case right?" I don"t know, maybe I should just let it go and let his guilt (if any) deal with it....

[Ac143]

Im sorry but I dont think you will get a truthful answer anyway you ask. If he doesn't want you to know, he wont tell you.

 

Have you spoken to him since? Is it "normal" for him not to talk to you all day?

 

If your gut is telling you he is sleeping with someone else then I say trust it.

 

If it was me, I would say "listen I have a feeling you are seeing someone else & would really like to know the truth - You can sleep with whoever you want but I dont want to be involved with someone that has multiple partners" Say this in person & see how he reacts. His expressions & response should give you a good clue if he's telling the truth.

[wandererlust]

Im sorry but I dont think you will get a truthful answer anyway you ask. If he doesn't want you to know, he wont tell you.

 

Have you spoken to him since? Is it "normal" for him not to talk to you all day?

 

If your gut is telling you he is sleeping with someone else then I say trust it.

 

Yeah, I didn't seem to get a truthful answer the first time so that's why I wonder if I should even bother. And I really don"t want to confront him without proof in case my instincts are wrong and I insult him. He really does have a lot of integrity aside from all this bs from a year ago...

 

He just texted me asking how things are- which is "normal"- it is not "normal" however to go longer than a day - it was in the beginning which is funny how things have evolved since then. We used to go 2-3 days without contact because that was the nature of our "arrangement" but we have gotten closer over time. Right now I just feel like pulling away though and distancing myself.

[HajiMaji]

I wouldnt be suprised if the anxiety is more associated with the "rules" of the relationship sort of being "outdated" rather then the trust issues with him casually sleeping with someone else.

 

Do you want a relationship with this person? if you do not want a relationship, what do you want? You are in a loosely defined relationship with this guy, and that makes everything more complicated. I think its important to more definitively understand what you want and then see if that matches up with what he wants.

[sosilver]

"Right now I just feel like pulling away though and distancing myself."

 

 

I think that would be for the best. I agree with Ac143, you wont get a straight answer from this person. You sound like a laid back independent person, but he is taking advantage of that almost. And if you feel like he is sleeping with someone else, he probably is. But asking him can result in a couple things: he will deny it and you wont be able to prove anything, so then you have to decide if you are done or want to continue. Or he will admit to it and you have to decide if you can move on from this, again!

[Ac143]

I wouldnt be suprised if the anxiety is more associated with the "rules" of the relationship sort of being "outdated" rather then the trust issues with him casually sleeping with someone else.

 

Do you want a relationship with this person? if you do not want a relationship, what do you want? You are in a loosely defined relationship with this guy, and that makes everything more complicated. I think its important to more definitively understand what you want and then see if that matches up with what he wants.

 

 

This is a excellent point...something to think about.

[wandererlust]

I wouldnt be suprised if the anxiety is more associated with the "rules" of the relationship sort of being "outdated" rather then the trust issues with him casually sleeping with someone else.

 

Do you want a relationship with this person? if you do not want a relationship, what do you want? You are in a loosely defined relationship with this guy, and that makes everything more complicated. I think its important to more definitively understand what you want and then see if that matches up with what he wants.

 

 

I think that is more substantiated than my paranoia. We started out as casual NSA and we have both become attached (he said so as well). We have talked though, and I know he is having a hard time with it because of past pains so I would nnot put it past him to totally screw up on purpose- twisted I know but we all have a method to the madness...

[Pr0vocative]

"listen I have a feeling you are seeing someone else & would really like to know the truth - You can sleep with whoever you want but I dont want to be involved with someone that has multiple partners"

 

 

Okay so you two haven't been very sure of what kind of relationship you've wanted or had in the past however he still has a brain attached to those balls and should have at least felt like it wasn't right

 

I would say that line to him, if he wants you he will struggle through with anything you have to say and will try and if he doesn't do that let him go because you won't be able to trust him again

 

Just broken up with my boyfriend of three years and I've put a different perspective on all of it. You can make something good out of any situation but you deserve the best and if you think he can give you it, stick with him

[karvala]

If you really want the truth, you can usually get it, but it comes at a high price. First, though, you must be sure that he's deceiving you; if you're not certain, there's no way he will admit it. Catch him in a lie first, e.g. mention that you called him at home but there was no answer, so he "must have been sleeping", i.e. offer him a false escape route, and see if he uses it. If he does, he's crossed the first and most important line, which is to justify to himself that it's okay to lie to you about these things. Then you will need to gather more evidence over time, and force him into more elaborate lies if necessary, until you are 100% certain that he is cheating.

 

Then, finally, you can confront him, in a situation that he can't easily escape from, and you must first do so calmly, plaintively even, asking him to tell you the truth. Some people will come clean at that point, if they think there won't be much of a scene; most will still lie, however. If he still lies, the next thing is to tell him that you know he's lying, and his one chance of saving the relationship is to come clean now, or else you're out of there. More will fall at that fence, but many will keep going. If he still lies, then tell him it's over and done with, you gave him his chance, you know he's lying and you can't have a relationship on that basis. He may own up at that point, but many still won't. So finally, you must frustrate him. How you do it is your choice, but you must wind him up to breaking up, either by ignoring him, if he can't stand that (many people can't), or confronting him verbally, or by targeting known weak points. It has to really come to a head, where there are literally tears of anger, and people are not thinking what they are saying. Then, and only then, can you be sure that he will tell you the truth, because at that point he has lost care and reason; you have peeled away the layers of plotting and hidden agenda, and he stands before you as his true self. But at that point, your relationship is also certainly over for good. It's a technique that is known to counsellors to get their clients to admit to feelings that they try hard to deny, and it's brutal, but it works.

[waveseer]

Say, "I've been wondering if you are seeing someone else." And when he says, "Why no I'm not, why would you think that?" I would say, "Because of and and ." At that point all the cards are on the table and how he treats you in the next 30 seconds will give you the answer you really need which has nothing to do with whether he's cheating or not.

[annie24]

i guess i don't fully understand.... you've been seeing each other for 10 months - but you say you don't want anything serious.... but you don't want him seeing other women. i think the 'casual' thing can only work for so long before people start developing deeper feelings. i would first think about what it is you want from him (a relationship, etc....?) and then figure out if this guy is capable of giving it to you.

 

i don't think the guy should have to 'check in' with you and account for his alone time - that sounds a bit like being in a prison or on house arrest. but if you have a bad feeling in your gut, maybe this relationship has run its course?

[wandererlust]

He's made jokes about when I leave earrings and things at his house it might upset his "other girlfriends" and I give him a death look and he laughs and says "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!"...I don't know, does joking about it make it more "light" like he would not do that, or does it deflect it in a way, make it easier for him to release a bad conscience?

[wandererlust]

i guess i don't fully understand.... you've been seeing each other for 10 months - but you say you don't want anything serious.... but you don't want him seeing other women. i think the 'casual' thing can only work for so long before people start developing deeper feelings. i would first think about what it is you want from him (a relationship, etc....?) and then figure out if this guy is capable of giving it to you.

 

i don't think the guy should have to 'check in' with you and account for his alone time - that sounds a bit like being in a prison or on house arrest. but if you have a bad feeling in your gut, maybe this relationship has run its course?

 

We started out casual and we have both developed feelings for each other- we have talked about that. I guess I just assume after this time and having feelings for each other that the whole "not sleeping with other women thing" would not be an issue. I know a lot of this is stemming from an issue 10 months ago and trust issues that I have- this is why I don't have any real proof- just a feeling that something isn't right. Maybe you are right about it running its course.... I never asked him to check in with me or account for his time- it's just been how it is for a while so when it doesn't happen, I get insecure.

[Ac143]

He's made jokes about when I leave earrings and things at his house it might upset his "other girlfriends" and I give him a death look and he laughs and says "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!"...I don't know, does joking about it make it more "light" like he would not do that, or does it deflect it in a way, make it easier for him to release a bad conscience?

 

Considering he lives right down the road I doubt he brings girls over to his house, that would be too easy & stup*d of him to do - if you both said you wouldn't be having sex with other people. But since you have a feeling he is dating someone else, then I think "something" is definitely happening.

 

I mean - being in an unclassified relationship for so long does evenutally get stale & usually one or the other want something more. He might be looking for someone else to have a real relationship with, hence him being out all night. He might not be sleeping with someone else but he could be out shopping for a potential GF!

[wandererlust]

I mean - being in an unclassified relationship for so long does evenutally get stale & usually one or the other want something more. He might be looking for someone else to have a real relationship with, hence him being out all night. He might not be sleeping with someone else but he could be out shopping for a potential GF!

 

 

I tend to think we are getting too close for his comfort and he doesn"t know how or not sure if he wants to end it. That's why I tend to think he may try to find something more casual "in the wings".

 

The more I think about certain events the more pissed off I'm getting. I had him over for dinner on Saturday, we were intimate (normal for our "relationship"), I had to contact HIM on Sunday in the evening and I never heard from him yesterday. I'm trying to rack my brain on what the heck I did wrong on Saturday for him to pull away. I know I don"t deserve it from him after this long or from anybody. So I start to get suspicios. Am I wrong to think something is up if after a nice night together I don't hear from him in 2 days????? It's just not normal for him at all.

[maritalbliss]

I know I don"t deserve it from him after this long or from anybody. So I start to get suspicios. Am I wrong to think something is up if after a nice night together I don't hear from him in 2 days????? It's just not normal for him at all.

 

this type of bf is just crazy. I dated a guy like this (but only for 4 months) my freshman year of college. He was insane - just like your poor boyfriend - always making me suspicious, lying to my face, unaccounted for time (as in whole days...).

 

THANK GOD I ENDED IT AND THEN MY FUTURE HUSBAND FOUND ME - now I am happily married and never have to deal with that sort of unnecessary drama. He never once made me feel that way EVER. And HE was the one who called every day - and several times a day even, just to hear my voice. He still does

 

don't you want someone like that? someone who cares as much about you as you do for them? I didn't realize it, but in that past relationship I was the one who cared more for him (and it shouldn't be lopsided like that). You should both love each other so deeply that it isn't even an issue.

[maritalbliss]

honestly though, just looked at some of your other posts and this guy sounds exactly like my ex (haha is it him??) lol

 

but really, this type of relationship will just drag on and on with him not being able to define what you are to him really, always making you a little suspicious because he just CAN'T be open and honest with you. Like its against his grain or something.

 

my advice is to just drop him (you'll find someone better). This type of bf/relationship is just not worth the emotional turmoil and the constant rollercoater ride of feeling fine one minute and then demolished and depressed the next.

[wandererlust]

maritalbliss: but were you in love with your ex? I know it has more to do with me regaining my self respect but it's still a struggle right now to end it with him as I do love him, it's very hard to walk away...